DarrenP

Hey all, newbie here. I just stumbled across these forums googling earlier, and they look to be a really valuable resource. I wish I'd found them sooner!

I'm 36 years old, been in California for 6 years. Londoner originally. I'm a computer graphic artist and currently doing very well with my career, working for the biggest videogame publisher in the world. But working insane hours as that's just the nature of the industry I'm in and Silicon valley. I have a good visa (O-1) that's good for another 4 years. So 'on paper' life should be golden.

However, deep down I am desperately unhappy (I would go so far as saying depressed actually but I hide it well at work and out socially etc) and can't seem to reach any conclusions about my future. I have a big family in the UK that I'm really close with. I get back once a year for a couple of weeks at the most, but I'm also embarrassed to admit that I loathe to fly, so I find getting on that flight incredibly hard.

Most of my friends that I had when I initially moved here have since moved on, as this is a very transient part of the world. I have a few friends here, but they're largely fairly superficial relationships, and nothing like the deep bonds I had with lifelong friends back home (most of whom I still keep in touch with via e-mail etc). The UK feels a little alien when I go back there (but I still love the visits) and I've never quite felt at home in San Francisco either (beautiful town though it is for the most part). So I just feel sort of stuck somewhere halfway across the Atlantic! I earn really good money, and for what I do for a living, this is the centre of the universe. But I just often think that life is too short to spend it being miserable and away from the people I really care about. I haven't met the right gal either, and I miss British lasses! I really don't know how my career would fair back in the UK and I know I couldn't earn near what I earn here. I'm managing to save a lot of $.

It's so annoying that I have to 'decide' one way or the other, since If I go back, I lose a good visa. I guess that's how things are, but I worry that If I go back I might be overcome with an overwhelming 'what the heck have I done?' feeling!

I know you guys can't answer this question for me, but I really am feeling pretty stuck in life right now, and am just wondering how others find their roots? Any thought's appreciated.

-Darren

Irish Guinness

Hi Darren,
If it's any help, I have felt this way for the past 40 years and I am in oz !!!!!
you get torn between your homeland and your adopted home.
We both know where we are better off $$$$$$ wise but hey it's still not home, only you can decide to stay or return in the end you must be happy first and foremost,all the best keep smiling.

eurotramp

You know what.......we are all in the same boat here..one way or an other.....we will loose a really nice detached house with a very big garden going into the woods which was dirt cheap..we moving just outside London and never will have such a house again...
Other people coming back from OZ and leaving the sun, a big house and a pool behind....
But if all those things dont make you happy..whats the point?

simongb

Hi Darren,

I have lived in the US (East Coast) since 1992. I work in education and make good money compared to the UK. I own my own home, car and have enough money to go to the UK twice a year and also take another vacation somewhere else. Am I really happy? NO! I have posted on here before, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. We are told by the media and society that material worth is what matters. What I have found is that that message is WRONG. Material 'stuff' does not matter in the end (as long as we have a roof over our heads and food to eat). Listen to that tug inside of you. It is telling you something! Don't try and judge it too much, just go with it. We don't always see what is down the road for us, we often just see the next step. It sounds to me that you are being told that your next step is to return to the UK. TRUST and the rest will fall into place. Good luck!

emmals

having been so close to uprooting my family and moving to a different country I can tell you from my point of view....find happiness were you can....it's the one thing that money can't buy...it helps yes....but family and a sense of wellbieng is more important.....trust me when you decide one way or another the sadness will lift...when we decided not to emigrate me and my husband got along better we didin't feel as tense...it was like we had become reborn to were we lived....we saw things differently.....I suggest you go back to the uk for an extended holiday(longer than 2 weeks if possible).....and look into transfering your life back home...that way you will know if there is the work,if you can afford to live....etc......yes it is something you need to do yourself...decide....but what ever you decide this is a great sounding board....and you will make some great friends you might not be able to make your desicions for you...but at least they will make you laugh and smile alomg the way...
emma x

kiwichild

I read something today and I think it sums up life well though it sounds simplistic admittedly: Do what makes you happy (on the inside)

Hope that helps

Beryl the Peril

I SOOOOOOOO agree with you! This is so true, and has been exactly my experience too, living in Perth for just over a year (although we haven't quite made the decision to go back yet!) This is for various reasons - practical ones like jobs and schooling. But honestly, when you weigh up the value of materialistic things like a big house with swimming pool, the sun and the sea, against the 'real' value of your family and friends, your roots and basically what really matters to you the most (what is 'heartfelt') there is your truth. Every day I come to realise a little bit more, how pointless it is fff-u-c-crying out loud, having all the trappings but not having your nearest, dearest, loved ones who also love you, to enjoy it all with. Once the novelty wears off (after about 3 months!) you start to realise how little sense it all makes. How often I have found myself sitting outside in the sun, staring at the empty swimming pool, by myself alone, thinking 'what the HECK is all this about'. Is it just that we want to get a sun tan and tell our friends back home that we've got a pool?! Big deal - we're the ones who are homesick and lonely - not them! Anyone else feel the same?

Beryl the Peril

Very well said! Agree absolutely! Do what makes you happy on the inside.

ladylisa

Darren do you see your outlook changing at all by staying in CA....if no then do you really want to be one of those people who 40 years down the line feel exactly as you do right now?

Beryl the Peril

I applaud you Emma, for having the foresight to realise what most people only come to realise when they have made this massive upheaval to the other side of the world! Not that I criticise ANYONE for making the move. It is sometimes the only way people find out one way or the other, but you have saved yourself a lot of money and heartache for listening to your intuition -I wish I had, but curiousity got the better of me! However, all is not lost. I know I will NEVER live here permanently, and all I have 'lost' is one year of not feeling happy, but making me appreciate the real value of friends and family back home. I am grateful for that! A great learning curve.

Beryl the Peril

I wish I could scoop all you wise peeps up and give you a big hug for putting it so brilliantly truthfully and for having the perception to realise how the materialistic hype of the world we live in counts for very very little at the end of the day. PEOPLE matter far, far more. If people would stop to think what matters more, the big house and flash car - if it all went up in flames but your friends and family are still there - does one need to even question which is more important? Oh sorry folks - maybe I'll just go out and hug a cactus plant!! Just my little joke (it's OK - I'm not a tree-hugger!! Heaven forbid!) Now if you asked me to hug a bottle of red........

kiwichild

Happiness isn't about where you are, but how you feel, that said, how you feel about where you are is a totally major issue/factor! Howzat for insight/pearls of wisdom?

BigDavyG

Pretty good actually - was that in a fortune cookie ??

kiwichild

Nah I made it up myself, but seems to me to be pretty much on the money (Truthful)

Calgal

Money can't buy happiness - but it sure makes being miserable a lot easier Now......on the other hand; is it really just a case of "The grass is always greener on the other side"?

(It is to me, 'cos it's brown here most of the time..lol )