Question for those with kids
Nov 18th 2010, 11:19 pm
#31
WTF?
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Homeostasis
Posts: 79,367
Re: Question for those with kids
HI all,
we moved from London to Austin, Texas in April 2010 and have been very impressed with the quality of education at our local elementary school.
One thing that has surprised us is how much the teachers seem to like our brats...er...kids. SO my question is this...
Is it the American way, for teachers to tell you how wonderful your kids are and how much they love having them in their class etc? My kids have gone from being normal, to being "wonderful and a joy to teach". Do you think this is genuine, or is it normal for teachers to be overly complimentary?
Thanks
Ali
we moved from London to Austin, Texas in April 2010 and have been very impressed with the quality of education at our local elementary school.
One thing that has surprised us is how much the teachers seem to like our brats...er...kids. SO my question is this...
Is it the American way, for teachers to tell you how wonderful your kids are and how much they love having them in their class etc? My kids have gone from being normal, to being "wonderful and a joy to teach". Do you think this is genuine, or is it normal for teachers to be overly complimentary?
Thanks
Ali
I think it's genuine. It may be an OTT display, when compared to what you're used to, but I would take it at face value.
Nov 18th 2010, 11:24 pm
#32
Forum Regular
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 101
Re: Question for those with kids
We moved to NOVA 4 months ago and were really worried about our youngest who had special needs in the UK. The school system was fantastic - they put support (IEP) in place whilst doing tests and we have been involved all the way through.
Our son had real issues in the UK - excluded a number of times (he is 6) and struggled to make friends. The enthusiasm of his teachers over here has helped his self-esteem enormously and he is like a different child. He tries new things, has made lots of friends and is doing well at school (he still has needs).
Likewise my daughter has settled in fantastically and loves school.
I think the UK could learn a lot from some of the teachers over here.
Our son had real issues in the UK - excluded a number of times (he is 6) and struggled to make friends. The enthusiasm of his teachers over here has helped his self-esteem enormously and he is like a different child. He tries new things, has made lots of friends and is doing well at school (he still has needs).
Likewise my daughter has settled in fantastically and loves school.
I think the UK could learn a lot from some of the teachers over here.
Nov 19th 2010, 12:06 am
#33
WTF?
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Homeostasis
Posts: 79,367
Re: Question for those with kids
Am I right to be worried about all the cousellor stuuf they want to send kids to, or am I just being an emotion-stunted stiff-upper lip Brit?
My child is only 5, so far no worries with her, it is my 15 year old nephew, now he is a bit of a lad, and everyone is talking about how he needs counselling, I don't see it, and I do view it as an Americanism, got to talk about your emotions, so I do not know if it is good or not. I am a bit of a mentor to him (god knows why, but he does look up to me) I am not sure if I should support him using a cousellor, my intuition tells me to tell them to mind their own business. He is a good kid who gets in to trouble at school every now and then. A few fights, usualy started because of his heightened sense of justice, he does fly off the handle sometimes when he senses someone has been the victim of an injustice.
The whole counsellor thing just rubs me up the wrong way, it may just be because I have not experienced it during my own child-hood
My child is only 5, so far no worries with her, it is my 15 year old nephew, now he is a bit of a lad, and everyone is talking about how he needs counselling, I don't see it, and I do view it as an Americanism, got to talk about your emotions, so I do not know if it is good or not. I am a bit of a mentor to him (god knows why, but he does look up to me) I am not sure if I should support him using a cousellor, my intuition tells me to tell them to mind their own business. He is a good kid who gets in to trouble at school every now and then. A few fights, usualy started because of his heightened sense of justice, he does fly off the handle sometimes when he senses someone has been the victim of an injustice.
The whole counsellor thing just rubs me up the wrong way, it may just be because I have not experienced it during my own child-hood
I think you may have an outdated view of what counseling really entails. Psychotherapy/psychoanalysis or "talk therapy" is actually sort of a niche practice within the much larger field of counseling, social work, psychology, etc. The Woody Allen school of spending years in therapy dwelling on your feelings and neuroses is a luxury most normal humans will never experience.
Generally, if a teenager goes into counseling it is to address existing problematic behaviors and working toward a change in those behaviors. If the underlying cause of the behavior is an emotional issue then, inevitably, sometimes "feelings" are explored. In some cases, feelings aren't necessarily explored at all. Often times it's a matter of educating the child as to why these behaviors aren't acceptable and helping them find ways to avoid lapsing back into the destructive patterns.
Counseling is a tool that can be used by families that are (for whatever reason) unable to resolve problem behaviors. This doesn't mean that they are bad parents - it just means they are not good in this particular area. Many families are able to resolve these issues by working things through at home but if they can't, there's no shame in getting help. If things end up in the court system then the choice will be taken away - they'll most likely be ordered to go to counseling.
The fact that your nephew is using physical force as a problem solving device (no matter how noble his reasoning may sound to you) tells me that he needs to change his behavior. How the family manages to accomplish this change remains to be seen but not dealing with it at all is no solution. Fifteen is only a couple of years away from legal adulthood. If he keeps "fighting", he will soon be treated as an adult by the courts and could end up with a permanent criminal record for violent offences.
Nov 19th 2010, 12:14 am
#34
WTF?
Joined: Aug 2003
Location: Homeostasis
Posts: 79,367
Re: Question for those with kids
My views on counsellors are pretty much the same as yours. But that said, yea, this is a counseling case.
Leaving him in the garden to grow on his own isn't really working. It may work out--may--but it also might end up with him going down a stubborn path with the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old for the next few decades, failing to develop fully and lacking the academic skills he'll need.
In the school environment counseling isn't necessarily sit on a couch and get in touch with your feelings and draw ink blots, but it is more of a chat with a professional in a confidential environment that can help as a place to vent or even give him some guidance about the new environment he is in. You've said he is trying to fit in but failing, and talking to someone who has witnessed 10,000 students try to fit in for 20 years or so might be a way for him to get, at a minimum, a few ideas or suggestions on how to proceed. Much of the counseling that does go on in schools is more about "direction moving forward" than "what is wrong inside" which help keep the discussion somewhat positive and allows him to say "this is where I want to be in 10 years" and then examine what he is doing wrong at the moment to get to that goal.
At the very least, he gets to skip a few classes. :-)
fwiw in American schools it is normal to meet a so-called "guidance" counsellor sometimes as frequently as once a year. This is more about where are you going to go to university, what career to do you want, etc., but what is also going on is a bit of an assessment by the counsellor where they watch for a few troubling signs in case some more significant help is needed.
Leaving him in the garden to grow on his own isn't really working. It may work out--may--but it also might end up with him going down a stubborn path with the emotional maturity of a 16-year-old for the next few decades, failing to develop fully and lacking the academic skills he'll need.
In the school environment counseling isn't necessarily sit on a couch and get in touch with your feelings and draw ink blots, but it is more of a chat with a professional in a confidential environment that can help as a place to vent or even give him some guidance about the new environment he is in. You've said he is trying to fit in but failing, and talking to someone who has witnessed 10,000 students try to fit in for 20 years or so might be a way for him to get, at a minimum, a few ideas or suggestions on how to proceed. Much of the counseling that does go on in schools is more about "direction moving forward" than "what is wrong inside" which help keep the discussion somewhat positive and allows him to say "this is where I want to be in 10 years" and then examine what he is doing wrong at the moment to get to that goal.
At the very least, he gets to skip a few classes. :-)
fwiw in American schools it is normal to meet a so-called "guidance" counsellor sometimes as frequently as once a year. This is more about where are you going to go to university, what career to do you want, etc., but what is also going on is a bit of an assessment by the counsellor where they watch for a few troubling signs in case some more significant help is needed.
Exactly.
Mar 8th 2011, 12:42 am
#35
He/him
Joined: Dec 2006
Location: WA
Posts: 18,836
Re: Question for those with kids
A follow up on my troublesome nephew.
He has had a lot of support, getting help via the children’s hospital on to a program of support backed up by counselors at school. However he still cant commit to school or many of the items in his contracts with his grand-parents (living with grand-parents) Finally got him to do a drug test, came up with two substances, but there was an interval between the test and a Friday night all-nighter, which his Facebook posts indicated was quite a night. His drug use may be more than the test indicated. Two weeks ago he got caught shop lifting and five nights ago he left his house and did not return.
Leaving us with no child minder, I am not concerned about being left minder less, it was in the context of him telling us how important his little cousin, and looking after her, were to him. Looking after our child seemed to be the only thing he could do with reliability. I am concerned that he has now also included his commitments to her in the list of things to ignore and not do. We might well be at a point where he should not be offered such responsibility anyway.
He has been seen on the street today, and talked to for a short time. He does not want to go home. He is staying at a friend’s house; all of his friend’s parents seem to be lacking in structure and overly permissive, which just adds to his sense of overly restrictive lifestyle from his grand-parents. He begged his parents to live with his grand-parents and it was with a great deal or reluctance that the deal was done. There is a lot more support available in the big city with his grandparents than in the small town where his parents live.
Police have been told where he is, but I do not think it is a high priority for them.
It’s odd, that he is such a pleasant kid to be around, empathetic, intelligent, I enjoy his company, but of course, these days his grand-parents do not get to see any of these qualities. We have him over for a night a week or so, to give his grand-parents a break. I think he would like us to offer him a place at our house; but we have said no, as whatever problems he has will follow him and we will become the new devils, first his parents, then the grand-parents, no point in just moving the problems to a new house with us.
I think he views anything that stops him from drinking, smoking blunts and partying is an unwarranted restriction on his freedom.
It’s funny how expectations for him have changed, from college, to trade school, to graduating, and now god knows what.
If he comes home, it will probably be back to his parents, which will be a problem in itself. To an extent they have washed their hands of him. Once he moved out I think they started to enjoy the time and attention they could give to their other children; his mother has more than hinted that she does not want him back, but she has responsibilities.
I am not sure what we can do, or support him more than we have. I include myself, my wife, his grand-parents and the school in that list of we.
He has had a lot of support, getting help via the children’s hospital on to a program of support backed up by counselors at school. However he still cant commit to school or many of the items in his contracts with his grand-parents (living with grand-parents) Finally got him to do a drug test, came up with two substances, but there was an interval between the test and a Friday night all-nighter, which his Facebook posts indicated was quite a night. His drug use may be more than the test indicated. Two weeks ago he got caught shop lifting and five nights ago he left his house and did not return.
Leaving us with no child minder, I am not concerned about being left minder less, it was in the context of him telling us how important his little cousin, and looking after her, were to him. Looking after our child seemed to be the only thing he could do with reliability. I am concerned that he has now also included his commitments to her in the list of things to ignore and not do. We might well be at a point where he should not be offered such responsibility anyway.
He has been seen on the street today, and talked to for a short time. He does not want to go home. He is staying at a friend’s house; all of his friend’s parents seem to be lacking in structure and overly permissive, which just adds to his sense of overly restrictive lifestyle from his grand-parents. He begged his parents to live with his grand-parents and it was with a great deal or reluctance that the deal was done. There is a lot more support available in the big city with his grandparents than in the small town where his parents live.
Police have been told where he is, but I do not think it is a high priority for them.
It’s odd, that he is such a pleasant kid to be around, empathetic, intelligent, I enjoy his company, but of course, these days his grand-parents do not get to see any of these qualities. We have him over for a night a week or so, to give his grand-parents a break. I think he would like us to offer him a place at our house; but we have said no, as whatever problems he has will follow him and we will become the new devils, first his parents, then the grand-parents, no point in just moving the problems to a new house with us.
I think he views anything that stops him from drinking, smoking blunts and partying is an unwarranted restriction on his freedom.
It’s funny how expectations for him have changed, from college, to trade school, to graduating, and now god knows what.
If he comes home, it will probably be back to his parents, which will be a problem in itself. To an extent they have washed their hands of him. Once he moved out I think they started to enjoy the time and attention they could give to their other children; his mother has more than hinted that she does not want him back, but she has responsibilities.
I am not sure what we can do, or support him more than we have. I include myself, my wife, his grand-parents and the school in that list of we.
Mar 8th 2011, 3:59 pm
#36
L2, GC, Surrey, OH, TX!
Joined: Aug 2007
Location: Surrey to Dallas (via Ohio)!
Posts: 6,363
Re: Question for those with kids
sometimes you have to let them work it out themselves. Its hard and you dont want them in any danger but some people need to own the decision so much that if they are told not to do something they cannot abide by it until they have found out themsleves the hard way.
my sister was a little like that and drifted aimlessly through life until her late 20's when she got a temp job in HR that she liked, and got herself hired permanantly, got the HR qualifications/certification and has made a very successful career for herself. Her life now is so different from 10 years ago - she works hard, has her own home, travels abroad regularly to interesting places, etc. That said - she cant for the life of her remember her mums birthday o Fathers day etc lol. I dont know what the motivation was that turned the light on for her - she just was suddenly able to see the benefits of working for something.
my sister was a little like that and drifted aimlessly through life until her late 20's when she got a temp job in HR that she liked, and got herself hired permanantly, got the HR qualifications/certification and has made a very successful career for herself. Her life now is so different from 10 years ago - she works hard, has her own home, travels abroad regularly to interesting places, etc. That said - she cant for the life of her remember her mums birthday o Fathers day etc lol. I dont know what the motivation was that turned the light on for her - she just was suddenly able to see the benefits of working for something.
Mar 12th 2011, 5:35 am
#37
He/him
Joined: Dec 2006
Location: WA
Posts: 18,836
Re: Question for those with kids
What kind of a woman would let a 15 year old friend of her son stay for four night and not once consider contacting either the police or the childs guardians?
My nephew is back home, but not without a week of work from several family members, and me playing the private investigator, with just the odd first name and odd cell phone, we were able to make use of the internet (and some sneeky skills that I probably would not have thought of, if I was not a fan of the TV show, Hustle)
One girl had her Facebook wall set to private, but managed to post her cell number on a friends wall. This might get me to reconsider my Facebook settings.
We think we were able to close down one by one his options. And the police paid the woman who put him up for four nights a visit (harboring a runaway is a crime that can get up to two years) She was all excuses when I had earlier called on her, having finally got an address, "he told me he had been emanicapted" she claimed, now what judge is going to emancipate a 15 year old with nowhere to live.
Well on with the counselling, but the legal system is getting involved now, guardians getting him before a judge next week.
My nephew is back home, but not without a week of work from several family members, and me playing the private investigator, with just the odd first name and odd cell phone, we were able to make use of the internet (and some sneeky skills that I probably would not have thought of, if I was not a fan of the TV show, Hustle)
One girl had her Facebook wall set to private, but managed to post her cell number on a friends wall. This might get me to reconsider my Facebook settings.
We think we were able to close down one by one his options. And the police paid the woman who put him up for four nights a visit (harboring a runaway is a crime that can get up to two years) She was all excuses when I had earlier called on her, having finally got an address, "he told me he had been emanicapted" she claimed, now what judge is going to emancipate a 15 year old with nowhere to live.
Well on with the counselling, but the legal system is getting involved now, guardians getting him before a judge next week.
