Zaragirl

I seriously need help, so please bear with me... I'm the US citizen, my husband is the UK citizen, and he has a permanent resident green card. He's been over here 3 years.

He had a great job here that he loved which lasted 2 years, then got laid off last November. Nine months on and he still has not had any luck finding work. He hasn't even landed a single real job interview. He has only met with two recruiters, which have amounted to nothing.

Losing his job meant he lost contact with his work colleagues, and ultimately his social life over here. He is seriously isolated and very depressed.

His confidence and motivation are shot, and he's become bitter and complains about living here pretty much daily. I don't really blame him but I can hardly stand seeing him like this anymore.

He says he hates it here and wants to move back home to the UK. But that would mean giving up everything we have over here, including his green card. He tells me he'd never go through the hassle ever again to get a new one, which means I could never live with him here again.

He refuses to see a therapist or take medication for his depression, and gets angry if I even suggest it, but with each passing week his hopelessness sinks lower. I finally had to go on antidepressants myself because I'm doing everything I can to keep his hopes up and it's worn me down too.

Even if I have a good day at work, coming home and seeing him so down drains the happiness right out of me. It's horrible for me because I love him so much.

What can I do? Has anyone else ever faced long-term unemployment in another country and do they have any advice?

Elvira

when will he be eligible to apply for citizenship?

Once he's got that, he's got more options.

anotherlimey

He might not like that if he's complaining daily about the country.

Tell him to come on here, we can be his medication.

Zaragirl

That was originally our plan, to wait until he got citizenship. But he is losing patience.

He's not eligible until next spring.

Sally Redux

Great idea!

Elvira

So he could get it within just over a year. That's nothing in the grand scheme of things.

Would you be willing to move to the UK with him at that point? What are his chances of securing a job back home? Can you live on your salary for another year?

In the meantime, could he take some classes/prepare for securing a job in the UK?

britvic

Yes thats what he needs to do, get him on here, many of us have been in the same boat.

coopa_troopa

Hi. Sorry to hear your husband is feeling this way. My husband also lost his job 2 years ago and has been unable to get anything since. We are both UK citizens, been here 3 years, so like your husband, he worked for the first year, then that was it.

Not sure if my advice/suggestions will be any use to you, but my husband decided that dwelling on something he could do little about would be no good for himself or me, so he spends his time on his hobbies......golfing, shooting, swimming......and he makes sure I don't have much to do around the house.

He feels guilty that I'm working and he isn't, but I just keep reassuring him that by helping me at home is a luxury for me. At least I don't have to be bothered with cooking, cleaning, shopping for groceries etc.

One thing I would say (and speaking with my RN hat on here) is don't push him into anti-depressants. A bit off-topic I suppose, but since I've been here in the US, I'm amazed how so many people turn to chemicals whenever there's an upsetting life event. Life has its crises from time to time and you sound like a very loving caring wife, so just keep on supporting him emotionally.

And yes, tell him to come on here and join in the banter. Who knows, maybe we can give him a laugh now and again.

I wish you the best.

caleyjag

My feeling is the UK is just as bad if not worse right now than here. Of course that depends where you are in the states - some areas are worse than others.


Also tell him to come on so he can put idiots who want to move to Florida in their place. That always brightens up my day!

Jerseygirl

Welcome to BE.

Go to your nearest GNC and get him a bottle of St John's Wort and register him on BE. Works for me.

Just Jenney

I can really relate to your post. Like, REALLY relate. I could've written your post (with some slight differences) about 4 years ago.

Mark didn't work for the first 2.5 years he lived here -- not because he was laid off, but because he never got a job to begin with. Part of the reason was because he became very isolated and depressed, which make it that much more difficult for him to find the confidence to go out and find work. (This was before the economy tanked, by the way.) This caused enormous stress on me, on our finances and on our marriage. I actually ended up on disability for work-related stress, which resulted in our living for about 2 months with no income whatsoever. Mark didn't seriously start looking for work until things were getting so dire that we were resorting to living on credit cards.

So, it was BAD. Relatively speaking, we didn't fight much, but when we did it wasn't unusual for Mark to throw in a comment about how "maybe he should just move back to England", etc. So, been there, heard that.

Ultimately, Mark ended up getting a job at Barnes & Noble working as a bookseller. He had worked in a bookshop before he moved to the States so it was a good fit for him. He's still working there and has been for nearly 4 years now. As soon as he got that job, it was like the sunshine had finally appeared from behind a very dark cloud. It wasn't the work itself -- it was breaking that isolation, being around other people (besides me!), and having a purpose that made all the difference. But MAN, did it take a lot for him to get there!

We have been married now 6 years. Just last night we were saying how happy we are, that our life has really turned around for us after all that turmoil in the early years. Is our marriage perfect? No! But we made it, and we've (hopefully!) learned from our mistakes.

I should point out that around the time Mark got his job, he did go to a doctor and was prescribed some anti-anxiety meds. This also really helped him and he later mentioned regretting not doing it sooner. After he'd been working for a few months, he no longer needed them.

In your husband's case, if he won't see a doctor and he can't land a job, I recommend that he do something -- such as volunteering -- that gets him out of the house and gives him a PURPOSE. Productive people are much more motivated than people who sit around all day. Putting his skills and knowledge to work to help other people will help give him confidence and also is a great way for him to feel a part of your community and to make friends. You don't say where you live but I bet there are a million ways that he could volunteer -- Habitat for Humanity, coaching kids' sports teams, reading to the blind/elderly, etc.

The other thing I would suggest is that you validate his feelings once in while, without making any suggestions at the same time. Sometimes telling someone that what they're feeling is justified -- or at least understandable -- is enough to make them feel less defensive and less alone in what they're going through. I'm not saying that you don't do that already, but I just thought I'd mention it anyway.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk further. Just know that you're not alone in this experience -- and neither is your husband.

~ Jenney

snowbunny

What Jenney writes is true. A similar situation to hers happened in my own marriage. I became ill from the stress of dealing with everything; my children acted out, and I had to deal with that, too.

My story doesn't have a happy ending, but I would say this: everyone is subject to having to learn new skills and do a new job, no matter where they live or what citizenship they hold. I don't think that Europeans (and this includes Brits) have the same level of fear of poverty that we American-born women have - we know in our guts that there is no safety net. Also - men seem to have an even harder time making connections outside of work, by hobbies or exercise or volunteering. I've seen this when my father retired.

A lot of this comes down to getting your husband's depression addressed in some way. I would strongly encourage marriage counselling.

Bob

Welcome to BE

In a similar situation myself, though I've had a few interviews but nothing has come of them, all over the country too. It's meh, but you can't just sit on your arse and feel sorry for yourself at the end of the day, that's where madness lies.

I'd recommend doing some volunteer work, I did loads when I was up in Maine before moving to Mass which helped me get out and about and get some friends.

Also depending on what he does for work, there might be local networking events to check out, or a meetup.com group he might be interested in. Just getting out and meeting people will help with friends and making contacts which is pretty important around here.

Goodluck

Moonshadow_Girl

You and your husband are not alone. My DH came over on a K-1 in January 2008, got his EAD in April 2008, his GC in July 2008, and it's August 2009 and he still has been unable to find a job. Thank goodness we can live frugally on my salary. I know my DH gets bored and lonely here at the house on many days. I also know that he does have his really down days. I'm glad that we have recently moved from an apartment in the middle of a busy downtown to a small house in a small town and our gardens/yards have become his hobby. As another poster mentioned, I am also very glad that he takes a very active part in keeping the house and cooking. But still, I worry about his confidence. With each interview he doesn't get offered the position, his confidence gets knocked down a bit as well.

All you can do is keep conveying your love. Let him wallow occasionally. I have said many times to my DH, "I'm disappointed for you, not disappointed in you." Most of the time we do try to be optimistic and tell each other that in 20 years this dry spell won't matter, and that every couple needs some, "Remember when we were so poor..." stories.

MrEmjoy

Where do you live?

What did he used to do?

Where is he from in the UK?

I can understand his frustration, and to be honest, if he did come across this site, even just to read some of the threads, he may feel a lot better about things.