OT Question

Old Jun 12th 2001, 3:39 pm
  #1  
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My fiance has a jealous ex wife... I have met her, i met her when I was in the US for 7 months.They were married at that time, although it was broken down and falling apart.

Since i came back here to my own country and i have the waiver to get back in etc and we have filed for the Fiancee Visa ..my question is this:

As we will be living in the same State possibly even the same city as his ex wife, knowing how much we dislike eachother..also his family and I do not get along either, although he doesnt see them much if not at all...how will this affect me and my fiance once i am back with him in person and we are married? I have the proof that i can legally return to the US after deportation although they (meaning his ex wife and his family) do not know about this, of course all the paperwork i will have and have submitted to the INS is all legitimate...what happens if she or they decide to try and make trouble for me and my husband to be and try to call the authorities with accusations of me being there illegally or just her being calling them and being vindictive in general? She is the type to try and do this and so are his so called family and her so called family.... will this do anything to stop us from being together once all the paperwork is filed etc? Will anything she says or does to cause trouble for us carry any weight with the INS even if i am there legally and all above board?

She knows nothing as yet of our impending marriage or how involved we are still with eachother but she will find out sooner or later and it does worry us a little as there are children involved here too.

Has anyone else been in a situation like this? Any advice welcomed

Thanks...
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Old Jun 12th 2001, 3:53 pm
  #2  
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What an unhappy way to be starting a married life. But as often is said, you can choose your friends but you can't choose your family. (Unless, of course, you believe in reincarnation and choose to be borne into the family.)

I don't know the reasons for your deportation and how you were able to obtain a waiver to nullify it, but if your K-1 and subsequent marriage are legitimate and you have the required material documentation to prove its legitimacy, then you should not have a problem. Because of the added threat from the ex and the families, I would be doubly sure to chronogical all events in your married life on film, i.e. holidays, birthdays, social events, vacations. Have perfect strangers take pictures of the two of you together in front of landmark areas. Save receipts from airtravel, hotels, etc. Co-mingle your finances, i.e. ultilities, bank account(s), insurances (health, life, car), etc.

And a little personal advice, don't live in the same city with them. Even a 1/2 hour commute to work is better than running the risk of a face to face confrontation with any of them. Separate your lives from her and them as much as possible. Unless there are children involved from his previous marriage you can do this. Start your lives together in a fresh new area.

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Old Jun 12th 2001, 4:20 pm
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hi
Thanks for replying. There are children involved in this one. He has 2 from his marriage and I have 1 and the kids are great together. Unfortunately its the adults that are the problem. My fiance has joint custody of his 2 and i have custody of mine.

We will be sure to document everything when we get married..as it is the INS have 2 years of evidence of our relationship and we are saving more for the interview, more phonebills etc. We also filed this through an immigration lawyer to make doubly sure..the same lawyer that filed the I-212 the waiver for me to be able to return to the US( we didnt have to use his services for that, but we though he could help and he did) and we are thinking that we ought to employ his services again to file for the AOS when we need to.

It will be a hard start to married life, we are thinking of getting married quietly in a civil ceremony so that her and his side dont find out and then having another one later on in the year to mark the occasion in a greater way.

His ex wife and the families do not know that i can come back, as i have said...which is the reason for the quite civil ceremony just in case she decides to disrupt in in any way. We do not to take any chances with her on any level, which may cause a little difficulty later on where the children are concered as of now when my Fiance has his visitations the children ask about me and my son and when are we coming back etc etc,we were quite close when i was out there before i was deported...needless to say they dont know either, as yet we havent told them and really want to keep it that way until the time they will know..i.e after we are married..its just a precautionary measure to hope that SHE doesnt find out.

I dont want to live in the same city as her, we are thinking of moving outside of it so that there wont be any chance meetings..LOL that would go down well ! NOT!

do you think that there is anything that she could actually do to sabotage our happiness and our chances?

Thanks...
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Old Jun 12th 2001, 5:04 pm
  #4  
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She (they) can try. They would only have to call INS and report what they consider to be a fraudulent marriage, i.e. you married him for a greencard, and eventually INS might investigate or just wait for your interview and grill you about birthdays, sleeping arrangements, toothbrushes, etc.

The NG has seen another couple who had problems with former friends who caused them hell by calling false alarms to the fire department, called the police to report a domestic quarrel at their home and there wasn't any, got an order of protection against them stating harrassment, etc.

Another couple (in Alaska) saw the ex-wife get a hold of the new foreign wife's social security number and obtained credit cards in her name and then charged them to the limit. Called the police and said her ex-husband broke in her home, etc. The sad part of this was the ex-wife tried to kill both children for insurance money. One young son died and the other lived.

Those are cases that made me tell you to document everything. Even document the times, places of any harrassment, you, he or your son has because of her/them. Cover your collective arses and keep your noses clean and if you have to fight legally, throw the first punch.

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Old Jun 12th 2001, 5:14 pm
  #5  
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Just my opinion but I think you may be starting off this marriage on the wrong foot.
If you came to meet this man while he was still married, I dont' care if they were
falling apart or not, of course she would be angry. Think long and hard on this one,
make sure it's what you REALLY want to do. You're going to have to get along with his
family if you're going to make a go of the marriage. And you never mentioned if this
man has children for if he does you can count on the ex wife being a part of your
life for a very long time.

Daisy

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Old Jun 12th 2001, 5:19 pm
  #6  
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She could possibly make it so you cannot move out of the state or even the city where
her children are now. I think you should think about ways of at least being civil to
this woman for she's got children that you will be step mothering for awhile. It
would be in your best interest to at least be polite and willing to work with
her....AND not to say your husband has a huge part in this as well. He needs to
realize that kids need their mother, especially going through a time like they are
going through right now. Remember, it's going to be hard on them to all of a sudden
have a stepmom...good luck!!

Daisy

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Old Jun 12th 2001, 8:46 pm
  #7  
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I very rarely comment on posts like this as I prefer sarcasm but I will make an
exception.

The Grinchess and I were both married before. The Grinchess ex-husband lives very
close to us and was not at all happy with the fact that she left him. He was very
bitter about the break up and far from impressed when I came on the scene. He
threatned a number of times to report me to the INS, he was not happy that his
teenage daughter was living here with us and made a number of threats both verbal and
physical. His family who also live locally supported him making life very difficult
at first. Time however is great healer. After a while he appeared to realise that I
was not as bad as he thought and began to mellow. He helped me out dealing with some
of his daughters teenage attitude by telling her that I was right, thus solving a lot
of the other issues I had. His family too also came around and invited us all to
their family picnic on Memorial Day.

A year ago things were pretty rough here but they have improved 100 %. Things may
work out for you too.

Grinch Hoping that Mr Rodger reads this!
 
Old Jun 12th 2001, 8:50 pm
  #8  
Alvena Ferreira
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K wrote:
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<snipped>

This is just a personal thought, and you may or may not find this helpful at all:

Why tell the X anything? I'd keep my mouth shut and the less she knows, the better.
People cannot fight something if they do not know what it is that they are fighting.
I'd steer WAY clear of her and her people until you get a green card, and then after
that, if someone brings up your relationship, what you tell them is your business.
But if this was me, I would cut this woman a very wide berth. She may choose to cause
trouble, as many x's do. If she does, then you will have to deal with
it...but always know that the LESS she knows for sure, the LESS she can do to object
or find fault or report you to anyone for anything.

Secure ALL of your personal documents in a safe deposit box, do NOT leave anything
around the house....meaning NO account numbers or SS numbers or anything...not a
shred of evidence of anything that she could use to identify you in any way
whatsoever. And if he has not had the locks changed since the divorce, he should get
new deadbolts NOW and NOT give the kids or anyone else a key except for YOU.

As for in-laws, you may or may not resolve this relationship in time, I think. It all
depends on how they see you: as the intruder who ruined a marriage or as the new
spouse who has something to offer in the way of decency. Let your behavior be your
example and you may win them over in time. But don't expect it to happen quickly.

Like I said, you can take this or leave it. These are never easy situations.

alvena this is a personal opinion posted for the purpose of discussion.
 
Old Jun 12th 2001, 9:16 pm
  #9  
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Hi
LOL this is a bit complicated...but i will try to explain

When i went out to meet him and his family i took my son and my husband at the time...(i am now divorced but was married at the first meeting)...which was then a platonic relationship with all of us including her. It wasnt a case of meeting him on the internet and deciding that we had to be together...that came later..

When i came back here, the children and i had a family and civil foundation relationship that we had ALL (yes including her) established while i was out there...there was a time of civility and friendship on both parts and alot of fun, we took trips out together and acted as best friends, took care of the kids etc.. and then she turned really nasty all of a sudden about 6 months after i was deported. They were divorcing anyway, she actually told me this herself as well at the time i was out there.

He came over here to visit me and in her mind i became a threat to her, even though there was nothing left of their marriage, not just my words but my fiance's words to, and she knew there was nothing left to save because he had also told her the same thing she knew this and then decided to go against me and blame me for everything that had gone wrong. Unfortunatly she is one of these women who will not accept responsibility for her own actions and blame everyone else for her mistakes...we have all done it..i know that i have, anyway she has to be right and is never wrong etc etc. She has problems now understanding that he left over a year ago and that they are now divorced, she calls him to bitch at him all the time and leaves messages in voicemail. She doesnt get it that he doesnt love her anymore,and doesnt want her anymore..she doesnt understand why etc etc...she is trying to hang on to someone that wants nothing more to do with her. He has tried being nice and civil to her, and eventually he had to spell it out to her, without even a mention of me which is a good thing or no doubt there would be even more tirades. In fact he hardly mentions me to her at all...she mentions me though and he changes the subject so she doesnt start fighting with him again over something he says, he doesnt like fighting and avoids it when and if at all possible.

Me and her dont talk anymore, we havent for the longest time and when i did try she just hung up on me, after giving me the riot act. I have no problems in being civil to her, none at all...she has told my fiance that she will not speak to me and wants nothing to do with me etc etc..I was even civil to her when she called me to scream at me on one of a few occasions a while ago now...it took the patience of a saint..but i did do it. She only called me because she could...no other reason.

She wasnt the one that notified the ins that i was there, (in case you may be thinking that was the reason for the deportation) lol that was my side of the family who did that.

She has decided that there was no way in hell that she is going to be civil to me even though she had been through the 7 months of being in the same household and in eachothers company, she hates the ground i walk on ...she knew about the divorce,they were divorcing before i even showed up there, she just decided that i was going to be her scapegoat, apparently my fault that all this happened the *real* divorce etc (i refer to it that way, as even though it was happening she refused to believe it then, god knows why) and that it was going through..even though all of the stuff which ended their relationship had already happened before i even met them...which is why i dont really get why this is my fault.. she doesnt even place as much blame on my fiance for the break up etc, i get most if not all of it, even though i can honestly say that it had nothing to do with me and was happening long before i was known to them.

The relationship me and my fiance had then was one of friendship that grew over here through the internet, and then changed into a loving one after a while i was there, it was not immediate. I was not looking for one and neither was he. My marriage was breaking up and the whole purpose of this trip to the states was a holiday and to try and save my marriage but that didnt happen and my husband at the time returned home left my son with me out there and we divorced.

I think she sees it as if...well if i cant have him them no-one else will either...type of thing if you see what i mean...and needs someone to blame other than herself..which could cause problems for me and my fiance where the authorities are concerned and may do anything she can to disrupt our lives.

She is behaving this way and she doesnt even know of our impending marriage or that i have pernission to get back to the US....no one has told her..she even said to my fiance the other day...that we would be waiting forever for the I-212 to be approved(the deportation waiver)...she knew that we had applied, as it was applied for soon after the deportation, but doesnt know that it was approved last year...it took a while to be processed and by that time everything was in hell, noone told her so she has no clue. She knows that we are still together, but doesnt know how involved with eachother we are.

The children (he has 2 from that marriage and i have 1 from mine) had a very close relationship, and it still is a close one now, although we havent told them yet i am coming back even though they keep asking about me (for reasons i have said) My Fiance is very much in touch with his children too...they are bright kids and they understand that mummy and daddy are not married anymore and they know why...they ask questions of both of them and they get answers and the understanding that they deserve etc...I have spoken to them when i have been able to and all the kids have talked to eachother on the phone...they too are all great friends and refer to eachother as brother and sister.

Thanks everyone for bearing with me and for hearing me out. It has been worrying us a great deal. Again any advice is gratefully recieved.

Thanks
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Old Jun 12th 2001, 10:46 pm
  #10  
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Grinch wrote:
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And then you two got drunk together and realized that you were best buddies...yeah,
yeah, yeah.... alvena
 
Old Jun 12th 2001, 11:41 pm
  #11  
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[usenetquote2]>> As we will be living in the same State possibly even the same city as his ex wife,[/usenetquote2]
[usenetquote2]>> knowing how much we dislike eachother..also his family and[/usenetquote2]
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Ditto. My husband has an ex who's been and had all sorts of trouble - she has
threatened and attempted suicide over our relationship, saying that without him she
just can't live. (As well as many other things or "tricks" she's played.)

We decided it best not to mention when, exactly, we were getting married. I mean, it
was obvious we were *going* to get married, seeing as he got the K-1.

She found out about 4 months later, when we went to visit his Mom, ran into the ex,
and she noticed the ring. By then the idea that we may already be married by then (6
months after he entered the US) had sunk in and things were *much* calmer than we
had expected.

The only reason she *might* have to know you're getting married is because you might
want the kids there to share the day with you. That, of course, depends on the age of
the kids - will they appreciate and understand.

I would also consider the whole idea of this marriage, or at least the idea your
living in the US. Especially in the same city. It makes it harder that there are kids
involved, but life is rarely easy.

Good luck!

Betastar
 
Old Jun 13th 2001, 1:47 am
  #12  
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Thanks everyone for your support on this issue
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Old Jun 13th 2001, 6:10 pm
  #13  
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Hi there
I spoke to my fiance last night about this and we will definately be moving out of the same city that she is in, so when i eventually get back we will be living in another place, unfortunately right now it would be hard to consider moving out of state, but we both realise that this door is not closed and we will do it if we have to.

This marriage has been thought out time and time again..in some ways we have been together for 3 years 3 1/2 years if you include the times we were talking before we met face to face. We have worked so hard for this and there have been many pitfalls on both sides, but we have picked eachother up and got it sorted out, whatever at the time that needed doing. We have been together through thick and thin, lol we act like a married couple even now, we talk for over 8 hours a day on the net, we talk at least 2-3 hours on the phone a day He calls me when he gets up and when he goes to bed and vice versus...so as for me i live on US time in my country

We are so totally committed to eachother, we have worked so hard to try and get to this stage. It took a while because of the deportation issue, the divorce issues etc, but we are getting there. The paperwork has been filed for the k1. She may delay us, but we have both agreed that there is no way in hell that she is gonna stop us from being together.
It gets so frustrating at times, but we are there for eachother regardless.

Where the kids are concerned, it is a hard issue. My fiance has checked with his lawyer and because he has joint custody she cannot stop him from seeing them which is a good thing. Even so its gonna be hard.

I am truly sorry that some of you here have had a hard time of it also. Thanks again for all of your help.
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