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Is this normal?

Is this normal?

Old Jul 12th 2003, 7:51 am
  #16  
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Hi everyone,

I wonder if I can lend something to this discussion of my own previous and future experience/plans.

I can well understand how everyone feels. I was going to go over to the US in 2000, but I was mentally unprepared and physically disorganised. I ended up having a panic attack and made the choice to miss my flight. I have stayed within the UK

However, I am about to apply for a K1 visa - I am now *ready* to be with this most wonderful person. That's the emotional part over with... but the disorganised physical aspect of the move didn't help. This time it'll be different. In order for me to *not* get into that situation it's a case of organising all the physical aspects *very* well in advance. And I mean everything.

And I can always come back to the UK to visit my family and friends... and with the internet communication is so much easier with them! I think the worst aspect is the getting out of the comfort zone.... I have known the UK for 31 years - born and brought up... I know the geography, know the people (I think), and the culture.

This person in the US, who I love to distraction, has been incredibly supportive, even throughout the time after I didn't leave the UK. Having just spent nearly three weeks with him, in his own house (he has just bought his own home), and going from being a stressed out loner to a confident and vibrant person in his company and in the Stateside environment in general, was all I needed to know to convince me.

The great thing is, he moved to the UK himself in 93, so is aware of all of the ramifications and feelings that I will be going through.

At the end of the day - it's a different environment. There are pros and cons for each place; the difference is, we know those for the UK; and it'll take some time to work those out for the States. But if we have someone there who we love, and who supports us, and is committed to making the relationship work, you can make it through Anything.

Come back to the UK for holidays, chat on the internet, talk on the phone, bring your friends and family out for holidays there, and show them around. They will always be your friends, will always be your family and due to the available technology, you can see, speak and type to them whenever you like. They just won't be there for a quick bevvy at the local (for me, I have never been into the English pub culture).

Personally, I cannot wait to be beside my wonderful, loving man. Wherever you live with this person, you will wake up beside them, have breakfast with them, have dinner with them, drive to the supermarket with them, and be there when they come home (or vice versa), and have children with them.

I hope some of this is helpful to some of you. I have been through the Oh My God syndrome, and now am in the Pollyanna attitude... I sincerely hope that everything works out for everyone on this forum... and also that my visa won't take long to come through!!!!

Chrissie
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Old Jul 12th 2003, 11:55 am
  #17  
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I have been through the same type of feelings too. When I left UK to come over to the US, I had my K1 visa and was leaving all my friends and family behind. I knew I would miss my sisters and brother, but never realised how much I would miss my Mum. Suddenly she was right about everything she had ever said to me!! And we were now 4000 miles apart!

I wasn't working for about a year when I moved over here, and the first year was the most difficult. Nothing was right with the US, I hated the INS because they kept screwing up my paperwork, I had no work, no public transportation...and I told my husband I was going home a thousand times. There were many a time that I cried and cried and told him I just couldn't take it anymore!

Then I basically reached what I call, 'the point of no return.' I didn't feel comfortable in US, but didn't feel like I could return to the UK and be at home either....

It has taken 3 years, but I now have a job I love, a place of my own (PS I was living with in laws!!!), kinda know my way around a lot better etc etc. Now I feel like I can finally settle down and be comfortable and happy. Sure there have been some rough times- the first time I went back to UK after moving over here, I CRIED A LOT and was highly sensitive! But now, I feel like I passed some big test and made it through

Good luck to everyone who is taking the big leap over the ocean- I hope everything works out....
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Old Jul 15th 2003, 5:49 am
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I thought when leaving the UK that i would be able to deal with things just fine. I'd travelled the world a lot and lived away from home at university for many years from my family. Ive been here about 10 months and every day becomes harder and harder being away from everything i knew at home. Making friends in this country is not easy. A lot of americans dont really get my sense of humour and find me rather 'dry' or 'morbid' (i'm not). Whereas in england i was very popular and had tons of friends, here i spend all my time with just my wife. The situation isnt really helped by the INS's ineptitude preventing me to work. I'm reluctant to just make friends with ex-pats, as i feel thats like a step backward in adapting to life over her. Everytime i hear another british voice i get such an overjoyed smile on my face and feel compelled to talk to them regardless of who they are (hearing a familiar voice in this situation is so comforting)

Ive been that homesick at times that simply watching bargain hunt has made me break down. But, however, i am willing to feel this way because i love my wife so very much, and leaving her would upset me even more. I dont really think my wife understands how depressed i am, and gets very stressed out and depressed about the way i feel (saying that i should be hapy with just her). Whats worse is the lack of transportation. I never realised is that you are pretty isolated in this country without your own car. Buses dont really exist and train stations are very far between. So i pretty much spend most of my days sitting around at home watching changing rooms repeats on BBC america. I know a job would improve my situation, but i doubt it will stop me from missing england

The strangest thing is that i tend to miss all those things that i never actually liked that much at home. And the things i did enjoy at home dont seem to obther me as much. I have a longing to watch crappy shows like songs of praise and wander round tesco's buying cadburys chocolate and cumberland sausage.

I dont think many people actually realise how very different america is from england. Moving away from england was the most difficult i will ever to do, but i know i did the right thing, even though at the moment i am very homesick and depressed. I really reccomend that people leaving really think about what they are doing before they leave, and strengthen the bond between friends and family before you leave.

Bizzarrely i'm both happier and more miserable than i have ever been before
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Old Jul 15th 2003, 8:52 am
  #19  
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Originally posted by rotten_stars
I thought when leaving the UK that i would be able to deal with things just fine. I'd travelled the world a lot and lived away from home at university for many years from my family. Ive been here about 10 months and every day becomes harder and harder being away from everything i knew at home. Making friends in this country is not easy. A lot of americans dont really get my sense of humour and find me rather 'dry' or 'morbid' (i'm not). Whereas in england i was very popular and had tons of friends, here i spend all my time with just my wife. The situation isnt really helped by the INS's ineptitude preventing me to work. I'm reluctant to just make friends with ex-pats, as i feel thats like a step backward in adapting to life over her. Everytime i hear another british voice i get such an overjoyed smile on my face and feel compelled to talk to them regardless of who they are (hearing a familiar voice in this situation is so comforting)

Ive been that homesick at times that simply watching bargain hunt has made me break down. But, however, i am willing to feel this way because i love my wife so very much, and leaving her would upset me even more. I dont really think my wife understands how depressed i am, and gets very stressed out and depressed about the way i feel (saying that i should be hapy with just her). Whats worse is the lack of transportation. I never realised is that you are pretty isolated in this country without your own car. Buses dont really exist and train stations are very far between. So i pretty much spend most of my days sitting around at home watching changing rooms repeats on BBC america. I know a job would improve my situation, but i doubt it will stop me from missing england

The strangest thing is that i tend to miss all those things that i never actually liked that much at home. And the things i did enjoy at home dont seem to obther me as much. I have a longing to watch crappy shows like songs of praise and wander round tesco's buying cadburys chocolate and cumberland sausage.

I dont think many people actually realise how very different america is from england. Moving away from england was the most difficult i will ever to do, but i know i did the right thing, even though at the moment i am very homesick and depressed. I really reccomend that people leaving really think about what they are doing before they leave, and strengthen the bond between friends and family before you leave.

Bizzarrely i'm both happier and more miserable than i have ever been before

I really think your wife is being unreasonable. My husband was the same when he moved to the UK, and even left me for 18 months because he felt he couldn't cope (mind you he had clinical depression too which he already had when we met). I didn't take it personally or see it as a lack of love for me.
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Old Jul 15th 2003, 2:58 pm
  #20  
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Originally posted by rotten_stars
I thought when leaving the UK that i would be able to deal with things just fine. I'd travelled the world a lot and lived away from home at university for many years from my family. Ive been here about 10 months and every day becomes harder and harder being away from everything i knew at home. Making friends in this country is not easy. A lot of americans dont really get my sense of humour and find me rather 'dry' or 'morbid' (i'm not). Whereas in england i was very popular and had tons of friends, here i spend all my time with just my wife. The situation isnt really helped by the INS's ineptitude preventing me to work. I'm reluctant to just make friends with ex-pats, as i feel thats like a step backward in adapting to life over her. Everytime i hear another british voice i get such an overjoyed smile on my face and feel compelled to talk to them regardless of who they are (hearing a familiar voice in this situation is so comforting)

Ive been that homesick at times that simply watching bargain hunt has made me break down. But, however, i am willing to feel this way because i love my wife so very much, and leaving her would upset me even more. I dont really think my wife understands how depressed i am, and gets very stressed out and depressed about the way i feel (saying that i should be hapy with just her). Whats worse is the lack of transportation. I never realised is that you are pretty isolated in this country without your own car. Buses dont really exist and train stations are very far between. So i pretty much spend most of my days sitting around at home watching changing rooms repeats on BBC america. I know a job would improve my situation, but i doubt it will stop me from missing england

The strangest thing is that i tend to miss all those things that i never actually liked that much at home. And the things i did enjoy at home dont seem to obther me as much. I have a longing to watch crappy shows like songs of praise and wander round tesco's buying cadburys chocolate and cumberland sausage.

I dont think many people actually realise how very different america is from england. Moving away from england was the most difficult i will ever to do, but i know i did the right thing, even though at the moment i am very homesick and depressed. I really reccomend that people leaving really think about what they are doing before they leave, and strengthen the bond between friends and family before you leave.

Bizzarrely i'm both happier and more miserable than i have ever been before
You could be describing exactly how I felt about three years ago. And I'm not from England. I think what you are describing is what any person experiences on leaving all that is familiar and what one has known all one's life. As someone quite rightly pointed out in an earlier post we define ourselves by our immediate environment. With that taken away, we find ourselves with a feeling of being "cut adrift" as it were. This is absolutely normal IMHO. It takes time to settle in and redefine ourselves, I think.
Four years down the line, I'm happy with who I am and with where I'm going. The US has finally become home. And it will be for you too. Just give it a chance....
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Old Jul 15th 2003, 3:51 pm
  #21  
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I know when I finally get to the US to be with my man I will not miss England. I am lucky to have been several times to the town we will be living in and will be there serveral more times before the visa process is over. I have my own car there - I would feel cut off if I didn't I think but I love the US shops and supermarkets - so much more choice than here. I know though that my fiance could never live in England nor would I expect him to. I am very excited about life in the US - I love it there. I am also lucky because I only have a very small family and won't miss them (not at all close) but friends yes. However, email is a great thing these days.
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Old Jul 15th 2003, 4:08 pm
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Originally posted by catswhiskers
I know when I finally get to the US to be with my man I will not miss England. I am lucky to have been several times to the town we will be living in and will be there serveral more times before the visa process is over. I have my own car there - I would feel cut off if I didn't I think but I love the US shops and supermarkets - so much more choice than here. I know though that my fiance could never live in England nor would I expect him to. I am very excited about life in the US - I love it there. I am also lucky because I only have a very small family and won't miss them (not at all close) but friends yes. However, email is a great thing these days.
You're lucky not to feel the pangs of parting with the home country too much. Being here on holiday and loving everything about the US, is somewhat different to actually living here, knowing that you have left behind life as you know it.
Don't be surprised when you experience what all the others on this thread describe once the initial euphoria has worn off, as much as you love your future partner However, take comfort in that it doesn't last more than a few years
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Old Jul 17th 2003, 2:55 pm
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I realise that holidaying is different to living in a different country. But in all intents I have been living there with my fiance when I visit. I have been to the US many times over the last twenty years and love it. I am confident about enjoying living there and if I feel any pangs they will only be fleeting I am sure. I can't actually think of one thing I like about working in London so that won't be a loss at all.

I have also lived overseas for 5 years (New Zealand in fact) - now that was a real culture shock. But the US is absolutely nothing like NZ.
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Old Jul 17th 2003, 3:09 pm
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Originally posted by catswhiskers
I have also lived overseas for 5 years (New Zealand in fact) - now that was a real culture shock. But the US is absolutely nothing like NZ.
Good for you There is so much that's so good about the US. Above all being with the man you love Good luck!
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Old Jul 19th 2003, 11:18 am
  #25  
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Rotten Stars:

I totally relate to what you are feeling right now. It sounds like you are going through a rough time I too thought that my husband didn't understand how depressed I was feeling. I'd tell him I just couldn't take it and I was packing up and going home. Now I realize that he was trying to stand by me and support me the only way he knew how...

The public transportation over here is something that really got on my nerves (well it still does). I figured if I held out, SC would eventually figure out a mass transit plan just for me!! haha...

The first step for me was actually getting involved in voluntary work. It gave me some experience so that I didn't have too big of a gap in my work history, as well as getting to meet new people and having a place to go and something to do once or twice a week. Gave me a lift and a step in the right direction. Do you think voluntary work might help you until you can get a work permit from the INS?

Always know you can talk to people here...we may not always understand everything you're going through, but we always care.
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Old Jul 20th 2003, 4:13 am
  #26  
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Originally posted by Ranjini
You're lucky not to feel the pangs of parting with the home country too much. Being here on holiday and loving everything about the US, is somewhat different to actually living here, knowing that you have left behind life as you know it.
Don't be surprised when you experience what all the others on this thread describe once the initial euphoria has worn off, as much as you love your future partner However, take comfort in that it doesn't last more than a few years
Ranjini, you just said exactly what I was about to say.

I think the comment that moved me most in this thread was the person who said they were the happiest AND the saddest they have ever been. I'm very happy here. And sometimes I'm sad too. Life's like that. I tend to distrust the attitude that says all is black or white. I wouldn't change what we did for the world. But changing your whole life IS tough. The OP is perfectly normal in her feelings. My hubby is very understanding - he knows I'm happy to be here - more than happy - but that sometimes I cry fit to burst. And he's secure enough in our relationship not to see that as a reflection on him or us.

I'm sure the OP's fiance is lovely or she wouldn't be giving up so much for him. But hey, nobody's perfect - he could do with a slap on the head with a wet kipper to wake up his compassion button IMHO. No offence intended.

Regards
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Old Jul 21st 2003, 12:51 am
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A great thread.
At the beginning of the whole K1 application process, I felt very anxious. Suddenly the idea of actually leaving 'home', even though it meant that we could be together, was terrifying. My fiancee, too, was upset and frustrated by my apparent lack of enthusiasm. The K1 process was a long one for us (18 months) and I've pretty much worked through all those feelings, but I still find myself travelling to work and looking out over the pennines and seeing the little farmhouses nestled in the hills and get decidedly moist at the thought that I'm leaving it behind.
Good to see that so many people feel the same and that I'm not an ungrateful freak after all.
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