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Need advice...

Need advice...

Old Oct 18th 2005, 2:37 pm
  #16  
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Default Re: Need advice...

Originally Posted by antjen
Sounds a bit like the situation i was in a few yrs ago, my wife us wife came over to life with me in england, then we have recently moved back to usa as she was not happy in england, the way i look at it is that if she was prepared to give up everything and take a risk to be with you in england, you should do the same for her and give it a try in the US.

Ant
I completely agree with you Ant. Hubby is American & we have decided to give it a try here for a few years, see how it goes. I'm already thinking I would like to move to a more 'English' state, maybe somewhere up in the North East, if that's what we decide, then we'll give it a few years there & then maybe move to Aussie. It's all very exciting to me, I love to try new things, start over in new places with new people, I enjoy the challenge. IMO, jobs are easy to come by, you just have to put forth the effort.
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 2:49 pm
  #17  
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Default Re: Need advice...

Originally Posted by Cappucino
Have any of you been in the situation where one half wants to move and the other doesn't.
Hi...I've read the posts...I think it's a bit cheeky for people to assume your marriage is not sound just because your wife has given you this ultimatum......was it said in an argument? were you not taking her seriously?...was she feeling extremely homesick? has she been happy these past 5/6 years in the U.K?


I too am in a very similar situation(me U.k , he U.S) and after 9 years in this country I feel like I've done my time...like you the only reason we haven't left is cash or lack of...at the end of the day bills are very real. Obviously as a man you need to feel secure knowing you can support your family...in the U.S this will be a very real concern...same thing for us only vise versa

I've often fancied myself jumping on a plane and moving..the real deal is a lot more complicated and expensive...what we've just decided to do is write down all the pro's and cons...all the earnings and expenses , in both countries, right down to the electric bill ...also I'm going for citizenship just to make sure I can return if I realize moving back was a mistake, is your wife a British citizen? I'm not sure how it works the other way round but it might be something to consider?

your wife like me has to remain level headed about the whole thing...which at times is very difficult...on a day to day basis I enjoy my life here, but I'm torn between both countries..I've an English friend here(also married to an American) who is going through the same thing, you are definitely not the only couple going through this!

It's tough and nobody can make judgements about you , your wife or your marriage until they've been through the same thing, the same emotions...listen to your wife, I'm guessing the ultimatum was given in frustration...you might not be able to jump on a plane right now and move remaining financially stable but you could seriously look into how to make it happen in the future, good luck
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 2:55 pm
  #18  
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Default Re: Need advice...

But if you love him please forgive him
Even though he's hard to understand
And if you love him, whoa be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just man

Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When the nights are cold and lonely

Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man

And if you love him, whoa be proud of him
'Cause after all he's just a man

Stand by your man
Give him two arms to cling to
And something warm to come to
When the nights are cold and lonely

Stand by your man
And show the world you love him
Keep giving all the love you can
Stand by your man
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 3:00 pm
  #19  
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Default Re: Need advice...

The one thing not mentioned here is, are there children involved. I am assuming there is not.
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 3:10 pm
  #20  
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Default Re: Need advice...

Originally Posted by Ray
Any chance you could open a branch of you business in NY ...
Del Boy did....
Next question from the OP will be:

"How do I go about importing a knackered old Robin Reliant van?"
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 3:24 pm
  #21  
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Default Re: Need advice...

Thankyou for your replies everyone. It's actually very comforting hearing other peoples views on this.
This topic has been around for a little while now. The problem is she wants to set firm plans now, and go to college later next year. Everything is expense and my wife doesn't seem to realise the financial aspects of moving. I pay for everything at the moment. We only just bought our first house this year (first house for me too).

Our marriage is actually ok-ish. It has come up before that I love her more than she loves me. She told me this, but I just dealt with it. My wife is quite unforgiving. She actually left once before for two months. It came up that I had a girl in the past over to my house for a visit (not a girlfriend btw). I mean before my wife and I were dating or anything. She left because I never mentioned it to her, and she couldn't trust me. Which I never did understand and led to her taking a time out for two months.
When she says she will just leave. I don't believe this is just a threat. She will.
I think my main number one concern is finances and losing what I have at the end of the day. In the UK I have my company established for 35 years. (started by grandfather) with a good income, and huge potential.
In the US I can just see myself flipping burgers at Macky Ds. Of course it won't be this bad but it won't be comparable to my UK life style.
I've tried to make it as easy as possible for my wife over here. I work a lot less hours to be with her. I've tried to be honest and decent. But I think the draw to the US is just too much. She wants to live and work in NYC.
I do feel bad about the fact that she did make compromises and came to live with me. I understand it should work both ways.
Oh and no, no children.

Last edited by Cappucino; Oct 18th 2005 at 3:26 pm.
 
Old Oct 18th 2005, 3:29 pm
  #22  
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Default Re: Need advice...

Originally Posted by Cappucino
Thankyou for your replies everyone. It's actually very comforting hearing other peoples views on this.
This topic has been around for a little while now. The problem is she wants to set firm plans now, and go to college later next year. Everything is expense and my wife doesn't seem to realise the financial aspects of moving. I pay for everything at the moment. We only just bought our first house this year (first house for me too).

Our marriage is actually ok-ish. It has come up before that I love her more than she loves me. She told me this, but I just dealt with it. My wife is quite unforgiving. She actually left once before for two months. It came up that I had a girl in the past over to my house for a visit (not a girlfriend btw). I mean before my wife and I were dating or anything. She left because I never mentioned it to her, and she couldn't trust me. Which I never did understand and led to her taking a time out for two months.
When she says she will just leave. I don't believe this is just a threat. She will.
I think my main number one concern is finances and losing what I have at the end of the day. In the UK I have my company established for 35 years. (started by grandfather) with a good income, and huge potential.
In the US I can just see myself flipping burgers at Macky Ds. Of course it won't be this bad but it won't be comparable to my UK life style.
I've tried to make it as easy as possible for my wife over here. I work a lot less hours to be with her. I've tried to be honest and decent. But I think the draw to the US is just too much. She wants to live and work in NYC.
I do feel bad about the fact that she did make compromises and came to live with me. I understand it should work both ways.
Oh and no, no children.

Mate, far be it from me to pass judgement on your wife, but she sounds to me to be

A) Insanely Jealous
B) Unstable


If I beleived my wife would walk out rather than try to come to some compromise then I think I would seriously evaluate the relationship before leaving everything you have.

Think about how you would be if you did move here, ended up tossing burgers and then she walks out on you for some reason.
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 3:30 pm
  #23  
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Default Re: Need advice...

Thank you for the further insight ... it becomes quite clear that you are a bit of a cuckold ...try to be the man ... tell her its your way or she is down the highway ...
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 3:37 pm
  #24  
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Default Re: Need advice...

Originally Posted by Cappucino
Thankyou for your replies everyone. It's actually very comforting hearing other peoples views on this.
This topic has been around for a little while now. The problem is she wants to set firm plans now, and go to college later next year. Everything is expense and my wife doesn't seem to realise the financial aspects of moving. I pay for everything at the moment. We only just bought our first house this year (first house for me too).

Our marriage is actually ok-ish. It has come up before that I love her more than she loves me. She told me this, but I just dealt with it. My wife is quite unforgiving. She actually left once before for two months. It came up that I had a girl in the past over to my house for a visit (not a girlfriend btw). I mean before my wife and I were dating or anything. She left because I never mentioned it to her, and she couldn't trust me. Which I never did understand and led to her taking a time out for two months.
When she says she will just leave. I don't believe this is just a threat. She will.
I think my main number one concern is finances and losing what I have at the end of the day. In the UK I have my company established for 35 years. (started by grandfather) with a good income, and huge potential.
In the US I can just see myself flipping burgers at Macky Ds. Of course it won't be this bad but it won't be comparable to my UK life style.
I've tried to make it as easy as possible for my wife over here. I work a lot less hours to be with her. I've tried to be honest and decent. But I think the draw to the US is just too much. She wants to live and work in NYC.
I do feel bad about the fact that she did make compromises and came to live with me. I understand it should work both ways.


from this post it does not look very good imo........things seem to be on the slide for you two and if SHE told you that you love her more than she loves you then that is not a good situation.......the decision can ONLY be made by you as nobody on here knows you or her and your relationship........ask yourself many questions but number 1 question is
are we going to stay together forever?


does she love you unconditionally

are you willing to take the chance on packing it all up to live in the US

do you love her more than anything in the world........


just keep asking yourself questions like these and you will find your answer........and btw whatever your gut feeling is then thats probably what you should do..........sincerely good luck to you
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 3:38 pm
  #25  
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Default Re: Need advice...

Originally Posted by Cappucino
Thankyou for your replies everyone. It's actually very comforting hearing other peoples views on this.
This topic has been around for a little while now. The problem is she wants to set firm plans now, and go to college later next year. Everything is expense and my wife doesn't seem to realise the financial aspects of moving. I pay for everything at the moment. We only just bought our first house this year (first house for me too).

Our marriage is actually ok-ish. It has come up before that I love her more than she loves me. She told me this, but I just dealt with it. My wife is quite unforgiving. She actually left once before for two months. It came up that I had a girl in the past over to my house for a visit (not a girlfriend btw). I mean before my wife and I were dating or anything. She left because I never mentioned it to her, and she couldn't trust me. Which I never did understand and led to her taking a time out for two months.
When she says she will just leave. I don't believe this is just a threat. She will.
I think my main number one concern is finances and losing what I have at the end of the day. In the UK I have my company established for 35 years. (started by grandfather) with a good income, and huge potential.
In the US I can just see myself flipping burgers at Macky Ds. Of course it won't be this bad but it won't be comparable to my UK life style.
I've tried to make it as easy as possible for my wife over here. I work a lot less hours to be with her. I've tried to be honest and decent. But I think the draw to the US is just too much. She wants to live and work in NYC.
I do feel bad about the fact that she did make compromises and came to live with me. I understand it should work both ways.
Oh and no, no children.
She LEFT because you had someone over before you even started dating? This woman sounds like a total psycho! Why on earth would you be obliged to tell her things that happened before you were even together and who was not even a girlfriend?
If you love her more than she loves you why on earth are you with her?


Is she willing to compromise at all? Okay I know she moved there to be with you but if she had no ties whats the big deal? If she's not willing to even discuss other possibilities I would cut my losses and tell her to piss off back to America if thats what she wants to do.

She clearly has no clue about finances and just expects everything to fall into place once she gets back but its not that easy is it?
You have a lot more reason to stay than she does to go, if she really wants this marriage to work what does she expect you to do once you get there? Doesn't she care about the business that your family has built up over the years?
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 3:43 pm
  #26  
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Default Re: Need advice...

If my wife made threats like that to me I'd call her bluff and tell her to ***** right off then.


I mean you said yourself, she's left before and came back..........who's to say she won't do it again.
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 3:50 pm
  #27  
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Default Re: Need advice...

Originally Posted by Cappucino
Thankyou for your replies everyone. It's actually very comforting hearing other peoples views on this.
This topic has been around for a little while now. The problem is she wants to set firm plans now, and go to college later next year. Everything is expense and my wife doesn't seem to realise the financial aspects of moving. I pay for everything at the moment. We only just bought our first house this year (first house for me too).

Our marriage is actually ok-ish. It has come up before that I love her more than she loves me. She told me this, but I just dealt with it. My wife is quite unforgiving. She actually left once before for two months. It came up that I had a girl in the past over to my house for a visit (not a girlfriend btw). I mean before my wife and I were dating or anything. She left because I never mentioned it to her, and she couldn't trust me. Which I never did understand and led to her taking a time out for two months.
When she says she will just leave. I don't believe this is just a threat. She will.
I think my main number one concern is finances and losing what I have at the end of the day. In the UK I have my company established for 35 years. (started by grandfather) with a good income, and huge potential.
In the US I can just see myself flipping burgers at Macky Ds. Of course it won't be this bad but it won't be comparable to my UK life style.
I've tried to make it as easy as possible for my wife over here. I work a lot less hours to be with her. I've tried to be honest and decent. But I think the draw to the US is just too much. She wants to live and work in NYC.
I do feel bad about the fact that she did make compromises and came to live with me. I understand it should work both ways.
Oh and no, no children.




Go with your gut feeling, if that is to stay in the UK where you feel secure then so be it...I can't sit here and judge you or your wife as I don't know you and I do know there is always two sides to a tale, but from your post you sound very unhappy, I hope everything works out for you..

Good luck....
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 3:52 pm
  #28  
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Default Re: Need advice...

Try and discuss the possibilities with her first and if she is unwavering call her bluff as manc said - she might reconsider once she realises she can't pussy whip you into submission and the fact that she won't have you to rely on for financial support if she does leave. If you act just as unwavering in your decision as she is then she might then relent and decided she wants to discuss all of the possibilities afterall...
If your gut instinct is telling you not to move then don't, you said that you marriage was ok-ish that doesn't exactly bode well for a big move does it? If its only ok-ish now what will it be like when you move to a completely different country and she decides she meets somebody she loves more than you? You're going to be up shit creek without a paddle mate.
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 4:03 pm
  #29  
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Default Re: Need advice...

[QUOTE=Pigtails]
Originally Posted by Cappucino
Basically it's come to a point where my wife has said she is leaving with or without me.
QUOTE]

Dump the bitch.
Stop holding back and just say what you really think!
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Old Oct 18th 2005, 4:06 pm
  #30  
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Default Re: Need advice...

Originally Posted by Cappucino
Thankyou for your replies everyone. It's actually very comforting hearing other peoples views on this.
This topic has been around for a little while now. The problem is she wants to set firm plans now, and go to college later next year. Everything is expense and my wife doesn't seem to realise the financial aspects of moving. I pay for everything at the moment. We only just bought our first house this year (first house for me too).

Our marriage is actually ok-ish. It has come up before that I love her more than she loves me. She told me this, but I just dealt with it. My wife is quite unforgiving. She actually left once before for two months. It came up that I had a girl in the past over to my house for a visit (not a girlfriend btw). I mean before my wife and I were dating or anything. She left because I never mentioned it to her, and she couldn't trust me. Which I never did understand and led to her taking a time out for two months.
When she says she will just leave. I don't believe this is just a threat. She will.
I think my main number one concern is finances and losing what I have at the end of the day. In the UK I have my company established for 35 years. (started by grandfather) with a good income, and huge potential.
In the US I can just see myself flipping burgers at Macky Ds. Of course it won't be this bad but it won't be comparable to my UK life style.
I've tried to make it as easy as possible for my wife over here. I work a lot less hours to be with her. I've tried to be honest and decent. But I think the draw to the US is just too much. She wants to live and work in NYC.
I do feel bad about the fact that she did make compromises and came to live with me. I understand it should work both ways.
Oh and no, no children.
Does your wife work in the UK? Is she in the same kind of position and making the same kind of money as she did in the US (if she worked there). If the answer to either question is "no", that could be a major reason why she's unhappy in the UK (or with you).

US/UK marriages where one spouse moves overseas to be with the other lead to big problems when it to employment. When Brits move to the US after marrying an American, most often I've seen UK men do that and they usually earn more than their wife so if the man can't get employment for whatever reason (initially due to immigration issues), this can be problematic.

Anyway, we're only hearing one side of the story folks. We can read into Capuccino's posts as we wish but he's got to decide and follow through and bear the consequences.
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