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My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Old Jan 3rd 2012, 10:28 pm
  #16  
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Originally Posted by Mallory View Post
Personally, I would just go back for a week by myself and spend time with mum. Say your goodbyes, and feel good about it.

Not everyone's parents die of cancer. Many die unexpectedly, i.e. car accident, heart attack, stroke, etc., so it's impossible to feel guilty "that you weren't there."

(
I think this is a very good point. I spent the last week of my mother's life with her, totally by chance. I hadn't been back in the US 48 hours when my sister called to say she had gone overnight in her sleep. So even if I had been there, I would have been oblivious.

That lovely week you had at Christmas is very important Dan, and created a lasting memory for all of you. So now I believe there is no incorrect choice for you -- if you're there fine, if you're not, there is nothing wrong with that.

Wishing you the strength to get through difficult times and happy memories to keep always.
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Old Jan 4th 2012, 12:03 am
  #17  
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

My sympathies for you and your family.
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Old Jan 4th 2012, 3:04 am
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Sorry to bring up a rather morbid observation, but in my own dealings with cancer patients (friends and family) the last week or two is pretty predictable. What we kept hearing from doctors is "overall, we don't know when" until they got to the final stages, and then they were fairly accurate in the number of days left as we neared the end--"we'll see this, followed by that in 48 hours, and then this a day or so later and then..." After it was over I spoke to a friend who was a doctor who said "the last days" are actually somewhat predictable and similar across many cancer patients who suffer similar ailments before they pass away.

Unfortunately not everyone is the same. There are folks that just leave us sort of in the middle of the night, and then others who follow this familiar pattern.

I think you might want to have your family talk to your doctor, not in your mother's presence, as to whether this might be the final stages, or if there is a chance of her coming back out. If it is rather terminal, then you have to decide if you want to be with her in those final moments, or would rather see her when she is a bit cognizant and responsive. It seems like you've had your last good visit over Christmas so not sure if you need to be on a plane right away.

My only other suggestion is to call the airlines. Get through to a human being (not a machine) and explain your situation. See if there is some way you could get a flexible ticket or no penalty change ticket that you can have on you for the next month or two. Talk to them about the price of this vs. buying a last minute ticket if needed. I would concur with others--the next six to eight weeks are actually pretty good for flying as demand is rather low.

Sorry to hear about your situation.
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Old Jan 4th 2012, 4:18 am
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Sometimes going with a "gut feeling" is the right thing to do.

If you really feel you need to go then do it.

Hugs to you honey...xxx
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Old Jan 4th 2012, 4:23 am
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

I have no advice but feel for your situation. I'm sure it must be so hard to be far away at this time, we all dread this coming.

I hope and pray that you can make the timing work out for you.
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Old Jan 4th 2012, 2:20 pm
  #21  
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Originally Posted by Dan725 View Post
Thanks for the kind words everybody; really appreciate it. Think I'm getting a pretty good read between my dad and sister...also get the odd text from mum but she is sleeping a lot from the condition and with all the constant procedures, drips, painkillers, antibiotics etc. My dad has said he will call me when he thinks I ought to be on a plane, so that is what I will have to go with I think.

It was great to have that time at Christmas...so pleased we were able to make that trip, first time we have ever been back for a full 2 weeks.

Ray - I know that is what she would say...as far as I can gather, that is in fact what she is saying...so I will wait for my dad to make the call. This time of year the BA flight out of here usually has good availability so I reckon I can get on one fast...hopefully I will make it in time, if not, at least I can be there for everyone else.
No matter what you choose to do, it'll be "right" for you and your mother. She knows you love her and vice versa - and that's the important thing. All of us are with you and her in spirit and we hope knowing that will help you both. Good luck - heartfelt thoughts are with you.
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Old Jan 4th 2012, 3:24 pm
  #22  
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

So sorry to hear about your mum, thinking of you and your family.
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Old Jan 5th 2012, 5:36 am
  #23  
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Sorry to hear about your mum, as I have just found out dealing with this is the hardest part of being an ex-pat. My mother was fine on Christmas Day and gone 5 days later, it can all happen so quick.

My advice would be to go as soon as you are able.

Thinking of you at this time
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Old Jan 5th 2012, 5:39 am
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Thinking of you and your family.
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Old Jan 5th 2012, 11:35 am
  #25  
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

So sad to see this, as SM said, you should do what feels right to you, much easier to live with that choice than have any regrets.

Thoughts and prayers to you all sweety xx
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Old Jan 5th 2012, 2:29 pm
  #26  
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Originally Posted by Jan Alaska View Post
Sorry to hear about your mum, as I have just found out dealing with this is the hardest part of being an ex-pat. My mother was fine on Christmas Day and gone 5 days later, it can all happen so quick.

My advice would be to go as soon as you are able.

Thinking of you at this time
My father and FIL died suddenly of heart attacks within 4 weeks of each other. I found their deaths difficult to deal with as it was so sudden and we were so far away. A few months later I went to visit mum in hospital...I was in the UK for about 4 weeks. A few days after I returned to the US I got a call that she had taken a turn for the worse...so I got on a plane that evening. She died 2 weeks later. I am so glad that I was with her.
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Old Jan 6th 2012, 1:48 pm
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Originally Posted by Jan Alaska View Post
Sorry to hear about your mum, as I have just found out dealing with this is the hardest part of being an ex-pat. My mother was fine on Christmas Day and gone 5 days later, it can all happen so quick.

My advice would be to go as soon as you are able.

Thinking of you at this time
So sorry to hear that...hope you are doing OK, my thoughts are with you and family.

Thanks again for the support everybody. Latest news from this morning is that they were able to stabilize the current internal bleeding crisis...which is positive; unfortunately however the latest CT scan has revealed the last-ditch chemo she was on has not had any effect, the cancer has spread through her system and they are now out of treatment options and there is nothing more they can do....which although we really suspected/knew that was the way it was going, its a bit of a blow to hear it. They have not given any time frame as of yet. They have given my mum a choice of what she wants to do - I think she will elect to go home and have the health visits to make her as comfortable as possible; she loves to sit and look out of the window in the back garden at home so at least she will be able to do that a little more before she goes. I'm going to rely on my dad and sister to let me know when I should go.

Penguinsix - morbid observation it might be, but I thank you for it; I'm on the same page with everything you said. Having just been there and having had such a good time making it a really special Christmas is really helping. I have an eye on flights, as you say its a cheap time of year with plenty of availability, I don't see it being a problem to jump on one at short notice.
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Old Jan 6th 2012, 3:14 pm
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Originally Posted by Dan725 View Post
So sorry to hear that...hope you are doing OK, my thoughts are with you and family.

Thanks again for the support everybody. Latest news from this morning is that they were able to stabilize the current internal bleeding crisis...which is positive; unfortunately however the latest CT scan has revealed the last-ditch chemo she was on has not had any effect, the cancer has spread through her system and they are now out of treatment options and there is nothing more they can do....which although we really suspected/knew that was the way it was going, its a bit of a blow to hear it. They have not given any time frame as of yet. They have given my mum a choice of what she wants to do - I think she will elect to go home and have the health visits to make her as comfortable as possible; she loves to sit and look out of the window in the back garden at home so at least she will be able to do that a little more before she goes. I'm going to rely on my dad and sister to let me know when I should go.

Penguinsix - morbid observation it might be, but I thank you for it; I'm on the same page with everything you said. Having just been there and having had such a good time making it a really special Christmas is really helping. I have an eye on flights, as you say its a cheap time of year with plenty of availability, I don't see it being a problem to jump on one at short notice.
So, so sorry to hear that this is the outcome Dan, but at least now you know what her prognosis is and maybe that will help you make a decision. Sending my heartfelt sympathy for what must be an awful time for you
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Old Jan 6th 2012, 9:28 pm
  #29  
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Just want to add my twopenneth, Dan.. so sorry to hear what you're going through. Seems like everyone has advised you - and you have decided what you are going to do. You are experiencing what we all dread and my heart goes out to you.
How good though, that you had such a great Christmas :-) and you'll always have that.

Good luck.
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Old Jan 7th 2012, 6:37 am
  #30  
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Default Re: My mum is losing her fight...when to go?

Originally Posted by Sugarmooma View Post
Sometimes going with a "gut feeling" is the right thing to do.

If you really feel you need to go then do it.
Agreed, my dad was having some health issues, nothing major but was in and out of hospital. I also had the gut feeling that I needed to visit and planned a trip in Feb last year for just my youngest daughter and I. There was just something inside me that said I needed to go. The day after I left my dad was admitted again, he died suddenly 2 weeks later.

Words can't describe how glad I was that I made that trip.
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