ShadowBob

Hi all,

First time post, I hope I'm sticking to the forum rules!

I've been a regular to these forums over the past few months and have found the info here really useful, so I was hoping people with experience could offer me some advice.

In late September, I'm moving out to California on an H1B Visa. I have a girlfriend of 10 months and am having a meltdown of a dilemma trying to decide what I want to do with our relationship.

First of all, I was very open with her at the start about my intentions to move out to the States. We agreed we would just see how it went and not get too attached. Of course, as the old adage goes, things happen when you least expect them and we've become really close, really quickly - she's not only the best girlfriend I've ever had, but she's become my best friend too. I can barely fault a thing about her.

Now that my visa is completely confirmed, I'm all set to go and I need to decide where out relationship is going. She did some research and has worked out that we can spend an extended amount of time together if she can get a traveller's visa. In the last few months, she's completely committed to this idea.

Meanwhile, I've still had in the back of my mind that I'm going out there on my own as this had always been my plan previously to meeting her. It's only now that my visa is definite that I've got to work out what to do.

On the one hand, I could go out there and live the independent lifestyle I'd imagined, settling into a new country and experiencing all the new things that I've wanted to experience from a foreign culture.

On the other hand, I've got the option of going out there with my girlfriend, who has also become my best friend. Going out exploring together and getting to experience all these things together and maybe joining in on all the 'couply' stuff I would otherwise miss out on.

A compromise we agreed on is that I go out there for a few months, say, until Christmas, then she comes out in January.

Her opinion is that we may as well give it a shot: what have we got to lose?

My worry is that in doing that, I lose that one shot of experiencing everything for myself for the first time and that, ultimately, when her visa runs out, she's going to have to come home anyway. I know we could, in theory, get married, but that would be far too soon for me (less than 2 years).

If anybody who has been in a similar experience, or if you have any advice, I would be really appreciative as this is really dragging down an experience that I should otherwise be really looking forwards to.

Tldr: I'm moving out to California in September and have a girlfriend of 10 months. What should I do, go out there with her or break up?

markwm

I don't think anyone can advise in this situation: only you can decide what is best for you - no one else is in a position to do that.

Having said that; good luck with whatever you do decide to do .

lansbury

Her getting a visa will more than likely decide things. She is almost certainly not going to get a visitors visa as she is able to use the VWP. The most she could visit under the VWP is 90 days, and should leave a considerable cap between visits.

Pulaski

That is true, unless she is (already) cohabiting
I didn't realise that there is a minimum hat size for the VWP. How big a hat is "considerable" in California? I presume it would need to be at least 10 gallons in Texas!
Marriage will fix that problem!

ShadowBob

Ha, yes it has certainly made me question aspects of our relationship irrespective of me leaving the country.

I perhaps missed some context; we're both in our (very) late twenties and have each been in bad relationships in the past, which is why she's fighting so hard for us to stay together and why I'm trying to make absolute sure which is the best decision for me.

Caruthers

Do you have work sorted out in California? Its pretty bad out here these days. So I imagine very hard for new arrivals. That may have a impact on your need for a relationship and your ability to form a new life.

Pulaski

He has an H1 visa, therefore he has a job. No employer => no visa.

Noorah101

Just to clarify, is she thinking about getting a B-2 visitors visa? Or is she thinking of the VWP (visit USA for 90 days at most, no visa required)?

If she is eligible to use the VWP, it will be very difficult to get a B-2 visa. If she applies for a B-2 and it gets denied, that will most likely prohibit VWP travel for the next 6 - 12 months as well. So tread very carefully with this plan.

Are you currently co-habitating? If so, and she can prove it, she stands a better chance at getting a B-2 visa.

Personally, and this is totally my own, personal idea: Go to the USA on your H1B and get settled. She visits on the VWP for a month or whatever in January. She returns to the UK, you keep up the long distance relationship until summer. She visits again mid-summer. Take another 6 months of long distance relationship (maybe you visit her next time during the Christmas break of 2014). Then it will be around 2 years in the relationship, and if it survives the long-distance, then think about something more permanent. You will be "single" as long as you're in the USA without her around, so see how it feels. If you start feeling like you want to experience all that single life has to offer (i.e. dating other women, getting into another relationship, etc), then you'll know she isn't the one for you, or the timing isn't right in your relationship right now, and it wasn't meant to be. If you miss her and don't feel the pull to keep doing things on your own, especially looking for someone else, then that feeling will guide you to making a more permanent relationship (marriage...) with this woman. And of course, same goes for her! She'll be alone in the UK without you, too...so who knows...she might be the one to say that living apart took its toll and she wants to move on. You won't know until you start your life in the USA and try the long-distance relationship for a while.

For what it's worth, my foreign husband and I spent the first two years of our relationship apart, only seeing each other for a couple of weeks each year. We felt strongly enough to get engaged, then spent another 14 months apart waiting for his visa to the USA. We've now been married 9 years and are very happy. So long-distance is not really a bad thing...if you survive it, it can sometimes make the relationship even stronger. And if you can't survive it, then it tells you something about the relationship.

Rene

jackattack

COngrats on your visa, and on your relationship.
It might be a long shot, but is there any way that she can qualify/get a job with an H1B visa or an intercompany transfer?
What about further study in the USA? It's crazily expensive and not something to do on a whim because you'll be paying the loans off for years.

But those are two options where she can be with you in the US without marriage.

lansbury

As they have only been together for 10 months, even if they were cohabiting all that time, is that long enough to qualify for a visa?. I though it had to be longer than that.

Noorah101

There's no set time. The longer the better, probably...but there's no minimum.

Rene

ShadowBob

Yes, I do have a job lined up in Santa Monica - as explained, the kind of visa I have can only be acquired with an employment sponsor.

Yes, that was the plan. I had no idea these were difficult to get if the VWP was easily accessible.

We're not, no, which is actually another thing that worries me. I wouldn't be anywhere near ready to move in with her yet (I like that we have separate homes as it give us both somewhere to visit). I've also never lived with a partner before, generally always with friends.

She's already said she doesn't want to do the long distance relationship thing, but I'm glad it worked out well for you Thank you for the in-depth response!

ShadowBob

Thank you - it's been nearly a year long process on both fronts, so it's taken a while for it all to come together!

She actually works for a University here, but they wouldn't be able to provide an intercompany transfer as far as I know. Study is an interesting option - she was talking about studying publishing.

Englishmum

Is your girlfriend currently working? How much annual leave does she get?

When you start your new job in the States, how much annual leave (if any!) will you be getting?

ShadowBob

She does yes, she works in the public sector so gets pretty good holidays - about 30 days, plus when she's busy she has to work a lot of overtime, so earns a lot of time off in lieu too.