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More to vent on...

More to vent on...

Old Apr 15th 2008, 10:12 pm
  #16  
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Originally Posted by Tootsie Frickensprinkles
Okay, so that's the bad shit.

What you need honey is some control back in your life and I know exactly how little you feel you have atm, I have been right where you are. I was stuck more by him not wanting/being able to go back to the UK though, rather than the money side of it. Now we are somewhat trapped by the exrate situation but thats a different matter!

If going home to the UK really is not an option right now then you have to find some way of being positive even though you're stuck where you are. What's your immediate situation like? Do you ahve access to a car, what kind of employment (if you had EAD or GC) would you be looking at?

I'm an expert now at filling empty days and blocking out the anxiety to the point where I dont rip my hair out everyday. Whilst I know its not a long term solution it does help day to day and you sound like you need to improve the day to day to stop the rows and lighten the upset.
I don't drive, I am living in a town similar to an English village but more spread out and a lot more cars so there aren't many places to go to, no public transport, have to rely on my husband to take me places, no money, no GC yet, that's pretty much my situation!
Oh, control, yes. I do wish I had control over what goes on in my life, especially at the moment. I used to be a fiercely independent person and to have to go from that to this is horrible, I do think I underestimated the day to day stuff. As for work, when I get authorisation to work, I would like to return to catering or retail, both of which thankfully, there are a lot of restaurants and shops in this town. I think my mood will alter a lot when I get working. I get fed up with the situation, myself, everything too much at the moment.
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Old Apr 15th 2008, 10:13 pm
  #17  
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Originally Posted by Tootsie Frickensprinkles
You are strong ... but the simple fact is that when you feel you have no control of your situation and you're hating it it makes you feel weak.

What you've got to do is untangle the mess and take one step at a time back into control.
Yeah, thats a good piece of advice right there. I didn't think of it like that. I tend to get so overwhelmed with the bigger picture that I forget to focus on one thing at a time. Thanks for that
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Old Apr 15th 2008, 10:21 pm
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Originally Posted by Emma M
I don't drive, I am living in a town similar to an English village but more spread out and a lot more cars so there aren't many places to go to, no public transport, have to rely on my husband to take me places, no money, no GC yet, that's pretty much my situation!
Oh, control, yes. I do wish I had control over what goes on in my life, especially at the moment. I used to be a fiercely independent person and to have to go from that to this is horrible, I do think I underestimated the day to day stuff. As for work, when I get authorisation to work, I would like to return to catering or retail, both of which thankfully, there are a lot of restaurants and shops in this town. I think my mood will alter a lot when I get working. I get fed up with the situation, myself, everything too much at the moment.
I took a license with me, even though I had no car so I dont know about this but ... Would it be plausible to learn to drive? I gather its not hard in the states, but I really dont know what the costs regulations might be. Certainly would give you something to focus on and greatly improve your quality of life and independence in the States.

The culture shock on top of the shitty situation would be enough to overwhelm anyone btw, so dont be hard on yourself about that one.

Is it possible to walk anywhere, or are you just too far away from anything?
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Old Apr 15th 2008, 10:22 pm
  #19  
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Emma and Babsi, you need to take a leaf out of my book and let them deal with it themselves. Believe me they are missing out on way more than you are. They are the parents here, they are the ones who are supposed to know better. Just because they were generous (slash careless) enough to bring me into the world doesn't mean I owe them anything. It doesn't give them an unlimited pass to treat me like they want and have me accept it.
My grandma treated my mum like crap and my mum took it for years. Even when she was the only one bothering to tend to her in her death bed my gran was having a go at my mum and making my uncle out to be a saint. And she wonders why I don't take the same crap from her.
The hardest thing is accepting that they will never change. What used to hurt the most was that no matter how many times I took the high road or apologised when I had done nothing wrong, it was never any different. Now I just don't bother and they are missing out on their only grandchild. And believe me when I say it's their loss not ours.
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Old Apr 15th 2008, 10:23 pm
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Originally Posted by Emma M
Yeah, thats a good piece of advice right there. I didn't think of it like that. I tend to get so overwhelmed with the bigger picture that I forget to focus on one thing at a time. Thanks for that
Its the nature of your predicament, absolutely everything is dependent on at least two other things etc etc, its very, very difficult to see where the hell to start when nothing is a constant that you are able to accept.
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Old Apr 15th 2008, 10:39 pm
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Emma, as the others have said, you are strong, you are a survivor and the first thing is to believe in yourself!!!! You definitely need to break the problem down into manageable chunks - you cant work so can you perhaps volunteer? is there a school which would like a reading mentor or craft helper? is there an elderly persons complex where old people would like some company? is there an animal pound where the dogs would like walking?
You have no transport - can you walk? can you get a pushbike?
Are there free social/cultural experiences? Is there a craft group that meets for a stitch and bitch? Are there lectures at the local museum/art gallery or whatever? Is there a book club? Get out for a walk every day and appreciate the world that is going on around you - admire the gardens, laugh at the terrible paint jobs, work out ways to avoid the dogs etc etc

There are things you could do that will give you back the value in your life and show you that you are a strong woman.

As for your mum - reading between the lines here, it sounds very much to me as if she is actually a victim. If her sons are swearing at her I would not put it past them to hit her as well - she may well be very scared of men and the way that they control her life, it may be that men have always controlled her life. She doesnt sound as strong as you!

You and your DH need to be together against the world here and that relationship is the one that you need to work on first and foremost.

I always choose to believe that no matter how dark the clouds there always has to be a silver lining in there somewhere, it is just hard to find sometimes!

BTW I think the process that does not allow spouses to work unless they have a GC absolutely sucks! Is there no way around that? No "bridging" process that allows you to work while you wait for a GC?
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Old Apr 15th 2008, 10:57 pm
  #22  
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Originally Posted by Tootsie Frickensprinkles
I took a license with me, even though I had no car so I dont know about this but ... Would it be plausible to learn to drive? I gather its not hard in the states, but I really dont know what the costs regulations might be. Certainly would give you something to focus on and greatly improve your quality of life and independence in the States.

The culture shock on top of the shitty situation would be enough to overwhelm anyone btw, so dont be hard on yourself about that one.

Is it possible to walk anywhere, or are you just too far away from anything?
I don't know if I would have to have a GC to get a learner's permit, I have assumed so, I haven't looked much into it. It would be cool to learn how to drive, that would give me a lot of freedom.
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Old Apr 15th 2008, 10:59 pm
  #23  
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Originally Posted by chicagojlo
Emma and Babsi, you need to take a leaf out of my book and let them deal with it themselves. Believe me they are missing out on way more than you are. They are the parents here, they are the ones who are supposed to know better. Just because they were generous (slash careless) enough to bring me into the world doesn't mean I owe them anything. It doesn't give them an unlimited pass to treat me like they want and have me accept it.
My grandma treated my mum like crap and my mum took it for years. Even when she was the only one bothering to tend to her in her death bed my gran was having a go at my mum and making my uncle out to be a saint. And she wonders why I don't take the same crap from her.
The hardest thing is accepting that they will never change. What used to hurt the most was that no matter how many times I took the high road or apologised when I had done nothing wrong, it was never any different. Now I just don't bother and they are missing out on their only grandchild. And believe me when I say it's their loss not ours.
I know that too, my grandmother was the same way to my mum and treated my uncle like a saint. My mum ended up disowning her in the end. She's exactly the same as her.
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Old Apr 15th 2008, 11:00 pm
  #24  
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Originally Posted by Tootsie Frickensprinkles
Its the nature of your predicament, absolutely everything is dependent on at least two other things etc etc, its very, very difficult to see where the hell to start when nothing is a constant that you are able to accept.
Too true. I hate feeling like that though. Nothing has been straight for years. I don't know where to start because there is too much of it!
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Old Apr 15th 2008, 11:06 pm
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Quoll: Emma, as the others have said, you are strong, you are a survivor and the first thing is to believe in yourself!!!! You definitely need to break the problem down into manageable chunks - you cant work so can you perhaps volunteer? is there a school which would like a reading mentor or craft helper? is there an elderly persons complex where old people would like some company? is there an animal pound where the dogs would like walking?
You have no transport - can you walk? can you get a pushbike?


Yeah, I love walking. I try to get out just to walk every day, it usually lifts my mood


Are there free social/cultural experiences? Is there a craft group that meets for a stitch and bitch? Are there lectures at the local museum/art gallery or whatever? Is there a book club? Get out for a walk every day and appreciate the world that is going on around you - admire the gardens, laugh at the terrible paint jobs, work out ways to avoid the dogs etc etc

There are things you could do that will give you back the value in your life and show you that you are a strong woman.


I think I have put too much energy into not settling here because I have constantly thought about being back home since being here - so Ive not put as much into appreciating the here and now.


As for your mum - reading between the lines here, it sounds very much to me as if she is actually a victim. If her sons are swearing at her I would not put it past them to hit her as well - she may well be very scared of men and the way that they control her life, it may be that men have always controlled her life. She doesnt sound as strong as you!


I don't think they have hit her, I can't say for sure though. But yes, she was in an abusive relationship when we were kids, and never had a proper relationship since, so you could be right.

You and your DH need to be together against the world here and that relationship is the one that you need to work on first and foremost.

Overall, we have a wonderful strong loving relationship. Just now and then, everything gets the better of us and when it does, it really does and it hurts us both so much.


I always choose to believe that no matter how dark the clouds there always has to be a silver lining in there somewhere, it is just hard to find sometimes!

BTW I think the process that does not allow spouses to work unless they have a GC absolutely sucks! Is there no way around that? No "bridging" process that allows you to work while you wait for a GC?


I don't think there is. If I work without a GC, it's illegal. So Ive got no choice but to wait it out.
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Old Apr 16th 2008, 12:19 am
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Oh we could be sisters with the same Mother !!! My Mum will not have anything to do with my Husband and we have been married 33 years.. Its always about my brothers and how much they have... I have finally accepted it is her with the problem and also I have finally stopped trying to please her. I have to accept the sad situation. But I will thank her for one thing. She made me a better Mum to my kids as I for sure as hell wasn't going to treat mine the way she treated me....
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Old Apr 16th 2008, 2:13 am
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Originally Posted by Twigstar
Oh we could be sisters with the same Mother !!! My Mum will not have anything to do with my Husband and we have been married 33 years.. Its always about my brothers and how much they have... I have finally accepted it is her with the problem and also I have finally stopped trying to please her. I have to accept the sad situation. But I will thank her for one thing. She made me a better Mum to my kids as I for sure as hell wasn't going to treat mine the way she treated me....
Too true. Thanks mum!
Emma you have to check with your state's DMV as to whether you need an ssn to get a learners permit. Once you have that you can learn very quickly, my husband taught me the basics and then I had about 8 lessons. Which is amazing considering how bad my previous attempts in 2 other countries had gone!
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Old Apr 16th 2008, 8:39 am
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Originally Posted by chicagojlo
Too true. Thanks mum!
Emma you have to check with your state's DMV as to whether you need an ssn to get a learners permit. Once you have that you can learn very quickly, my husband taught me the basics and then I had about 8 lessons. Which is amazing considering how bad my previous attempts in 2 other countries had gone!
I don't know about NC but in AZ if you have any kind of legal status you can get a learner's permit. When you get your driving license, the expiry date will be the same as the expiry date on your visa. It's definitely worth looking into.
As for your financial struggles I can certainly sympathise. The first few months we were here were a nightmare. My Dad used to send me a couple of hundred dollars every couple of months to help tide us over. In the end, I told my boss that if I didn't get a raise then I would be returning to the UK ont he next plane. It worked! But I do know what you're going through and, believe me, it does get better and it really helps that you and your husband have a solid relationship.
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Old Apr 16th 2008, 1:54 pm
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Default Re: More to vent on...

Originally Posted by geeandtee
I don't know about NC but in AZ if you have any kind of legal status you can get a learner's permit. When you get your driving license, the expiry date will be the same as the expiry date on your visa. It's definitely worth looking into.
As for your financial struggles I can certainly sympathise. The first few months we were here were a nightmare. My Dad used to send me a couple of hundred dollars every couple of months to help tide us over. In the end, I told my boss that if I didn't get a raise then I would be returning to the UK ont he next plane. It worked! But I do know what you're going through and, believe me, it does get better and it really helps that you and your husband have a solid relationship.
Our relationship is stronger than I give it credit for.
I will look into getting a learners permit to learn to drive.
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Old Apr 16th 2008, 3:09 pm
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Default Re: More to vent on...

I have to say if you can get out and drive some place even just to the food store you won't feel so trapped, so push on and see if you can get your license. The test here is easy. Sounds silly but I l love just going to the food store and doing some shopping. I am sure being stuck inside all day doesn't help your mood. I got a dog when I first came to the States and she became my companion during the day which, made me feel better as I got out and took her for walks and people would stop me to find out what breed she was. I also threw myself into decorating and gardening as well.

As for the money situation it is natural for you to feel stressed and then arguments happen. However, you have put your energy into finding solutions together rather than ripping each other apart. I am a stay at home mom now but I re-trained and learned stock, options and currency trading which, anyone can learn and do from their home computer. I also like gardening and cooking and painting. I always thought perhaps I could start up an e-bay store or even do hanging baskets or whatever and sell them at the farmers market or craft shows should I need or want to. Think about what you can do. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise and you can use this time to start something up of your own.

As for you Mother I can relate. I just had a huge row with mine over the phone and I am done! My Mother rarely calls me it is always on my bill and I have to call her. I was chasing her around for days trying to talk to her and when I finally got through on Sunday evening she yelled at me for calling her late. That was it for me and I lost it with her ( I guess it was like the final straw or a thousand cuts). My Mother has done nothing for me, we paid for our own wedding, our own house, she wasn't here for the birth of either of my children, she has never given us a dime. She even chucked it in my face that she paid for HER flight to come over here last year with my brother to stay with us. I sent her a check in the mail yesterday for her flight refund and also some extra to pay her for the presents she bought for my children for easter which, was another thing she decided to yell and chuck in my face. Unfortunately, my dad died when I was 8 and my Mother did very well financially. She married again and her second husband died leaving her yet with even more money and yet another pension with yet another insurance pay out. I asked her for a picture of my father and she won't let me have one. Sorry but if you can't go to your Mum for help it is sad beyond belief. I know how you feel and it hurts like hell and as far as I am concerned there is no excuse. However, take heart in the fact, you are not alone and the only one feeling upset about lack of support from where you would hope to find it.
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