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married bliss

married bliss

Old May 18th 2002, 5:02 pm
  #1  
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Joined: May 2002
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mrsmop is an unknown quantity at this point
Default married bliss

Some advice needed please.....

I am a UKC, came over on a K1 July 2001 and married my USC husband Aug 2001. We met on the internet in a NG not one of the dating sites and a transatlantic marriage was the last thing on both of our minds. However after 2 years of cyberchatting, long telephone calls and several hops across the pond both ways I came here. He has 2 daughters at more critical age in their education than my 1 and has a job that would be difficult to persue in Blighty so it seemed fairer for me to move. He was charm personified it all the time I knew him before I sold up in the UK. Since marrying him my Dr Jeckyll has become Mr Hyde.

After I came here I quickly discovered that he had been untruthful about quite a few important things that we had discussed before deciding to marry. One of which was his financial situation and I have poured quite a lot of the money I had from the sale of my house etc into our marriage. I felt very betrayed about his dishonesty (not just over the money situation) but gave him the benfit of the doubt believing that as we were a couple now and committed to one another we should look to the future and not the past. However he is being very unpleasant to me and I feel quite powerless.

He seems to need to flex his muscle concerning my dependency upon him for my residence here. He has a hair trigger as far as his temper is concerned and knows no limit in his verbal abuse of me. He has never actually struck me although he has threatened and gestured to do so. He has destroyed property, thrown things at me and will physically restrain me when I try to remove myself from the abuse. He also uses more subtle forms to undermine me. He takes away the keys to the vehicle which he allows me to use, he takes the check book and leaves me without money, he refuses to sign INS paperwork for me, he threatens to divorce me so that I'm deported and has even passworded the computer to deny me access because I have a couple of friends whom I contact on there. I live in a very remote area with few neighbours and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors here. In any event there is an ole boys network in the small town closest to us and my husband is well liked and respected there so I suspect I would have little sympathy for my situation.

I do not work because my husband was in no hurry to assist me with AOS. However that has now been filed (although post the expiry of my I94) and at the same time I filed for EAD which should be through by end of June. I do not know whether my husband will carry out his threat to not complete my AOS. I have very good degrees and many years business management experience so I believe I could find a reasonably good job to support myself and my daughter alone. I have enough money left in the UK to make a deposit on a house for us here and buy a vehicle. I do not want to return to the Uk because the money I have left is not enough to start again over there. we have no family there and my daughter is happy and settled here. I would not want to uproot here again in such a short time.

My question is would I be allowed to stay here alone bearing in mind I do not yet have even conditional permanent residence?? I know there are some rules for battered spouses but I'm not sure that my circumstances would suffice?? Also I believe that these rules only pertain to those who have already got conditional permanent residence??

I am sorry to wash my dirty laundry in public. I am not a sap but I do feel powerless. The best I do is smartmouth him back which of course exacerbates the situation. I am usually a confident and competant woman but my self confidence and self esteem is diminishing fast......

Any advice gratefully received....

Last edited by mrsmop; May 19th 2002 at 1:45 am.
mrsmop is offline  
Old May 18th 2002, 11:20 pm
  #2  
Rick
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Posts: n/a
Default Re: married bliss

mrsmop <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:<[email protected]>...
    > Some advice needed please.....
    >
    > I am a UKC, came over on a K1 July 2001 and maried my USC husband Aug 2001. We met
    > on the internet in a NG not one of the dating sites and a transatlantic marriage
    > was the last thing on both of our minds. However after 2 years of cyberchatting,
    > long telephone calls and several hops across the pond both ways I came here. He has
    > 2 daughters at more critical age in their education than my 1 and has a job that
    > would be difficult to persue in Blighty so it seemed fairer for me to move. He was
    > charm personified it all the time I knew him before I sold up in the UK. Since
    > marrying him my Dr Jeckyll has become Mr Hyde.
    >
    > After I came here I quickly discovered that he had been untruthful about quite a
    > few important things that we had discussed before deciding to marry. One of which
    > was his financial situation and I have poured quite a lot of the money I had from
    > the sale of my house etc into our marriage. I felt very betrayed about his
    > dishonesty (not just over the money situation) but gave him the benfit of the doubt
    > believing that as we were a couple now and committed to one another we should look
    > to the future and not the past. However he is being very unpleasant to me and I
    > feel quite powerless.
    >
    > He seems to need to flex his muscle concerning my dependency upon him for my
    > residence here. He has a hair trigger as far as his temper is concerned and knows
    > no limit in his verbal abuse of me. He has never actually struck me although he has
    > threatened and gestured to do so. He has destroyed property, thrown things at me
    > and will physically restrain me when I try to remove myself from the abuse. He also
    > uses more subtle forms to undermine me. He takes away the keys to the vehicle which
    > he allows me to use, he takes the check book and leaves me without money, he
    > refuses to sign INS paperwork for me, he threatens to divorce me so that I'm
    > deported and has even passworded the computer to deny me access because I have a
    > couple of friends whom I contact on there. I live in a very remote area with few
    > neighbours and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors here. In any event
    > there is an ole boys network in the small town closest to us and my husband is well
    > liked and respected there so I suspect I would have little sympathy for my
    > situation.
    >
    > I do not work because my husband was in no hurry to assist me with AOS. However
    > that has now been filed (although post the expirry of my I94) and at the same time
    > I filed for EAD which should be through by end of June. I do not know whether my
    > husband will carry out his threat to not complete my AOS. I have very good degrees
    > and many years business management experience so I believe I could find a
    > reasonably good job to support myself and my daughter alone. I have enough money
    > left in the UK to make a deposit on a house for us here and buy a vehicle. I do not
    > want to return to the Uk because the money I have left is not enough to start again
    > over there. we have no family there and my daughter is happy and settled here. I
    > would not want to uproot here again in such a short time.
    >
    > My question is would I be allowed to stay here alone bearing in mind I do not yet
    > have even unconditional permanent residence?? I know there are some rules for
    > battered spouses but I'm not sure that my circumstances would suffice?? Also I
    > believe that these rules only pertain to those who have already got conditional
    > permanent residence??
    >
    > I am sorry to wash my dirty laundry in public. I am not a sap but I do feel
    > powerless. The best I do is smartmouth him back which of course exacerbates the
    > situation. I am usually a confident and competant woman but my self confidence and
    > self esteem is diminishing fast......
    >
    > Any advice gratefully received....

Hi there

I read your post and can only advise one thing - see an attorney. Today. And please
remember, you are NOT alone. I'm in the UK but have friends, and my fiancee, in the
US. If I or they can be of ANY help, you can see my email address here, feel free
to use it.
 
Old May 19th 2002, 12:20 am
  #3  
Skaternl
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: married bliss

Read this website (bad spouses link on the left side):

http://k1.exit.com/

It might give you some help on what to do and where to go.

I am really sorry to hear that your marriage turned out like this (I am married to a
US Citizen too. And we met over the internet 7 years ago). Things changed a WHOLE
LOT. And it seems much more 'not so friendly' people are online these days. I hope
that it will all work out for you in the end.

Good luck! Daniel

mrsmop <[email protected]> wrote in message
news:<[email protected]>...
    > Some advice needed please.....
    >
    > I am a UKC, came over on a K1 July 2001 and maried my USC husband Aug 2001. We met
    > on the internet in a NG not one of the dating sites and a transatlantic marriage
    > was the last thing on both of our minds. However after 2 years of cyberchatting,
    > long telephone calls and several hops across the pond both ways I came here. He has
    > 2 daughters at more critical age in their education than my 1 and has a job that
    > would be difficult to persue in Blighty so it seemed fairer for me to move. He was
    > charm personified it all the time I knew him before I sold up in the UK. Since
    > marrying him my Dr Jeckyll has become Mr Hyde.
    >
    > After I came here I quickly discovered that he had been untruthful about quite a
    > few important things that we had discussed before deciding to marry. One of which
    > was his financial situation and I have poured quite a lot of the money I had from
    > the sale of my house etc into our marriage. I felt very betrayed about his
    > dishonesty (not just over the money situation) but gave him the benfit of the doubt
    > believing that as we were a couple now and committed to one another we should look
    > to the future and not the past. However he is being very unpleasant to me and I
    > feel quite powerless.
    >
    > He seems to need to flex his muscle concerning my dependency upon him for my
    > residence here. He has a hair trigger as far as his temper is concerned and knows
    > no limit in his verbal abuse of me. He has never actually struck me although he has
    > threatened and gestured to do so. He has destroyed property, thrown things at me
    > and will physically restrain me when I try to remove myself from the abuse. He also
    > uses more subtle forms to undermine me. He takes away the keys to the vehicle which
    > he allows me to use, he takes the check book and leaves me without money, he
    > refuses to sign INS paperwork for me, he threatens to divorce me so that I'm
    > deported and has even passworded the computer to deny me access because I have a
    > couple of friends whom I contact on there. I live in a very remote area with few
    > neighbours and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors here. In any event
    > there is an ole boys network in the small town closest to us and my husband is well
    > liked and respected there so I suspect I would have little sympathy for my
    > situation.
    >
    > I do not work because my husband was in no hurry to assist me with AOS. However
    > that has now been filed (although post the expirry of my I94) and at the same time
    > I filed for EAD which should be through by end of June. I do not know whether my
    > husband will carry out his threat to not complete my AOS. I have very good degrees
    > and many years business management experience so I believe I could find a
    > reasonably good job to support myself and my daughter alone. I have enough money
    > left in the UK to make a deposit on a house for us here and buy a vehicle. I do not
    > want to return to the Uk because the money I have left is not enough to start again
    > over there. we have no family there and my daughter is happy and settled here. I
    > would not want to uproot here again in such a short time.
    >
    > My question is would I be allowed to stay here alone bearing in mind I do not yet
    > have even unconditional permanent residence?? I know there are some rules for
    > battered spouses but I'm not sure that my circumstances would suffice?? Also I
    > believe that these rules only pertain to those who have already got conditional
    > permanent residence??
    >
    > I am sorry to wash my dirty laundry in public. I am not a sap but I do feel
    > powerless. The best I do is smartmouth him back which of course exacerbates the
    > situation. I am usually a confident and competant woman but my self confidence and
    > self esteem is diminishing fast......
    >
    > Any advice gratefully received....
 
Old May 19th 2002, 12:20 pm
  #4  
Daniel
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: married bliss

[email protected] (SKaTeRNL) wrote in message
news:<[email protected] com>...
    > Read this website (bad spouses link on the left side):
    >
    > http://k1.exit.com/
    >
    > It might give you some help on what to do and where to go.
    >
    > I am really sorry to hear that your marriage turned out like this (I am married to
    > a US Citizen too. And we met over the internet 7 years ago). Things changed a WHOLE
    > LOT. And it seems much more 'not so friendly' people are online these days. I hope
    > that it will all work out for you in the end.
    >
    > Good luck! Daniel
    >
    > mrsmop <[email protected]> wrote in message
    > news:<[email protected]>...
    > > Some advice needed please.....
    > >
    > > I am a UKC, came over on a K1 July 2001 and maried my USC husband Aug 2001. We
    > > met on the internet in a NG not one of the dating sites and a transatlantic
    > > marriage was the last thing on both of our minds. However after 2 years of
    > > cyberchatting, long telephone calls and several hops across the pond both ways I
    > > came here. He has 2 daughters at more critical age in their education than my 1
    > > and has a job that would be difficult to persue in Blighty so it seemed fairer
    > > for me to move. He was charm personified it all the time I knew him before I sold
    > > up in the UK. Since marrying him my Dr Jeckyll has become Mr Hyde.
    > >
    > > After I came here I quickly discovered that he had been untruthful about quite a
    > > few important things that we had discussed before deciding to marry. One of which
    > > was his financial situation and I have poured quite a lot of the money I had from
    > > the sale of my house etc into our marriage. I felt very betrayed about his
    > > dishonesty (not just over the money situation) but gave him the benfit of the
    > > doubt believing that as we were a couple now and committed to one another we
    > > should look to the future and not the past. However he is being very unpleasant
    > > to me and I feel quite powerless.
    > >
    > > He seems to need to flex his muscle concerning my dependency upon him for my
    > > residence here. He has a hair trigger as far as his temper is concerned and knows
    > > no limit in his verbal abuse of me. He has never actually struck me although he
    > > has threatened and gestured to do so. He has destroyed property, thrown things at
    > > me and will physically restrain me when I try to remove myself from the abuse. He
    > > also uses more subtle forms to undermine me. He takes away the keys to the
    > > vehicle which he allows me to use, he takes the check book and leaves me without
    > > money, he refuses to sign INS paperwork for me, he threatens to divorce me so
    > > that I'm deported and has even passworded the computer to deny me access because
    > > I have a couple of friends whom I contact on there. I live in a very remote area
    > > with few neighbours and no one knows what goes on behind closed doors here. In
    > > any event there is an ole boys network in the small town closest to us and my
    > > husband is well liked and respected there so I suspect I would have little
    > > sympathy for my situation.
    > >
    > > I do not work because my husband was in no hurry to assist me with AOS. However
    > > that has now been filed (although post the expirry of my I94) and at the same
    > > time I filed for EAD which should be through by end of June. I do not know
    > > whether my husband will carry out his threat to not complete my AOS. I have very
    > > good degrees and many years business management experience so I believe I could
    > > find a reasonably good job to support myself and my daughter alone. I have enough
    > > money left in the UK to make a deposit on a house for us here and buy a vehicle.
    > > I do not want to return to the Uk because the money I have left is not enough to
    > > start again over there. we have no family there and my daughter is happy and
    > > settled here. I would not want to uproot here again in such a short time.
    > >
    > > My question is would I be allowed to stay here alone bearing in mind I do not yet
    > > have even unconditional permanent residence?? I know there are some rules for
    > > battered spouses but I'm not sure that my circumstances would suffice?? Also I
    > > believe that these rules only pertain to those who have already got conditional
    > > permanent residence??
    > >
    > > I am sorry to wash my dirty laundry in public. I am not a sap but I do feel
    > > powerless. The best I do is smartmouth him back which of course exacerbates the
    > > situation. I am usually a confident and competant woman but my self confidence
    > > and self esteem is diminishing fast......
    > >
    > > Any advice gratefully received....

Dear UK lady,

I'm really sorry to hear the treatment you've gotten from a person who does not
deserve you at all. From your letter I see that he is vengful and can get even
physical. This is very alarmning. I would like to say the following:

a. See an attorney
b. Make sure that whatever you do behind the scenes he doesn't know about them,
otherwise you might put yourself into trouble.
c. Clear the cache from the computer's memory so he wouldn't find out the sites
you've visited. If you cannot access computer at home, try to go to the
local library.
d. Get a free yahoo or hotmail email account to have an independent contacts with
your friends.
e. Please keep us posted that you're doing well.

Thank you, Daniel

P.S. In a long run I can't see him change. So, you might start thinking about not
living with him any longer: talk to an immigration attorney and see if you may
be qualified to apply as a battered spouse of a USC. Since he cannot control
his anger he will try to control you more. I also worry about your daughter.
Don't let him be alone with her.
 
Old May 19th 2002, 1:20 pm
  #5  
Alvena Ferreira
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: married bliss

mrsmop wrote:
    > My question is would I be allowed to stay here alone bearing in mind I do not yet
    > have even unconditional permanent residence?? I know there are some rules for
    > battered spouses but I'm not sure that my circumstances would suffice?? Also I
    > believe that these rules only pertain to those who have already got conditional
    > permanent residence??
    >
You can be divorced and still file for adjustment of status based on abuse, as long
as you file within two years of the divorce, reference this page, there is quite a
bit of info there: http://www.ins.usdoj.gov/graphics/howdoi/battered.htm

You need an immigration attorney, however, in order to assure best results when you
file based on abuse. You need to contact the attorney NOW, in order to make some kind
of determination about what evidence you are going to need to prove the abuse. You
will have to show that true abuse really occurred. Types of evidence may vary, and
that is why you really need an attorney. If you live in boondocks USA, then I
recommend that you contact an attorney by phone, someone located in the city of your
state where you would be filing the adjustment would generally be a reasonable
recommendation, as he/she would have dealt with your local INS office (which may be
helpful in this).

Discretion on your part is going to be needed, as it sounds like this man may become
violent at any minute. If you fear for your/your daughter's safety, which it sounds
like you do, you may want to contact a spouse abuse center and go there to stay until
you can get some things settled. If you leave this man, do NOT tell him where or when
you are going. It would of course be most prudent to leave when he is not there, in
order to avoid confrontation.

If you go to the INS website, you may find some cheap or free legal resources in the
location of your INS local office, some of the "about us" pages for the local offices
have these listed at the bottom of the page. Also, Catholic charities tends to be a
good place to start in many communities, or a spouse abuse center. Also, contacting
the bar association of the city where your INS office is located and asking them may
be a good way to find economical legal representation, as there are generally some
attorneys who do some pro bono work (free). Start on the INS website here, click the
letter for your state and then locate your local office:
http://www.ins.usdoj.gov/graphics/fi...ces/alphaa.htm

I hope that you find this information helpful, and good luck in getting your personal
situation resolved satisfactorily. It must be awful to move to another country and
then find out that you have gotten yourself into this kind of mess. For what it is
worth, you are not alone.

Alvena

Doc Steen Site: http://www.mindspring.com/~docsteen/...o/visainfo.htm
=========================================
I am not a lawyer and this is not immigration advice. This is my personal opinion,
gleaned from the previous postings of others, and posted for the purpose of
discussion only. If your case is complicated, then you may need an immigration
attorney. Locate an immigration attorney in your area at: http://www.aila.org
=========================================
 
Old May 20th 2002, 2:20 pm
  #6  
Ntepy
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: married bliss

    >I am usually a confident and competant woman but my self confidence and self esteem
    >is diminishing fast......

mrsmop, Please see this and bear in mind the word "control"
http://www.friendshiphome.org/identifying.html

.....ntepy
 
Old May 20th 2002, 8:09 pm
  #7  
Just Joined
Thread Starter
 
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 4
mrsmop is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: married bliss

I want to thank you all for your advice and good wishes. I am reading through all the information posted and will post more when I can and when I have taken in some of the imformation.

thank you all so much once more.
mrsmop is offline  
Old May 22nd 2002, 6:20 pm
  #8  
Marieta
Guest
 
Posts: n/a
Default Re: married bliss

Sorry to say this girl, but WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU STILL DOING THERE? If this guy is
really the way you describe him I am wondering why you are still with him. Being
there because you are depending on him for your AOS is one thing... but you can't let
him abuse you. Well, anyway I know I wouldn't - no way - for the cost of having to go
back to UK. Unfortunately I don't have a good legal advice but there should be some
safety net for people like you. The way things are with the INS I wouldn't be too
surprised if they tolerated this kind of abuse and made the only possible solution
having you sent back to the UK... so I wish you good luck with that...

M
 

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