bluesky

Hello,
I met an incredible man from Latin America on the Internet who fell in love with me upon meeting me and began talking about marriage on the third date.

We met on an Internet dating site. I was impressed by his profile and emailed him. Nothing in the profile sounded like he as looking for quick marriage, categorized himself as not certain if he wanted to have kids. Although we met on the Internet, he lives around the corner from me and we've been seeing each other daily. He is saying he is crazily in love with me, has felt like this before about a woman, he wants to marry me, have children with me, build a life with me, etc.

We are both highly educated. He is here in the USA getting a second masters. We both like to travel. I've looked at his passport and have seen his current student visa and the visas all match the travels he's told me about. I've seen his student ID card. I googled him and he does have publications in his area of interest.

He initially said that he wanted to return to his home country, but he was so in love with me that he would stay here. Now, he is saying that we should stay here, save money to buy a house in his country, we'll get married and he'll be able to get funding for a PhD in the US now that he'll be a US citizen.

He is intelligent, caring, attentive, funny, compassionate. He's helped me do laundry, has cooked beautiful dinners for me. I've known him for 3 weeks.

How can I level headedly figure out if this is the man of my dreams or if I am a means for him to get a PhD and have a career in the US.

Would really welcome any advice
Thank you

Lion in Winter

Er, give it a bit longer than 3 weeks?

FlyergirlUK

3 weeks = honeymoon period.

If he's already here - what's the hurry?

ImHere

So you'd be a USC then right? What makes you think we British Expats are a font of all knowledge out of interest?

cindyabs

I have to concur with LIW. I read your story and was reserving judgment until the 3 week thing jumped up. Pretty quick timing for such a monumental change in both your lives. Also as FlyerGirl says 3 weeks is a honeymoon period where everything is golden and lolllipops and rainbows (whoops that's a song) but you know what I mean.

One thing that perhaps, you and he are not aware of-he would NOT become a USC over night-that would take several years.

Finances rear their ugly head-he's a student? How does he support himself? How would he contribute to your mutual support, especially if down the road he's looking to get his phD?

cindyabs

In deference to Im Here-, he's rightyou may want to post this over in the BE Marriage and Visa Forum. Probably get more responses there.

ImHere

I was thinking more about talking to her parents and friends to be honest.

IF they married then he'd get AOS in about 18 months(?) then its a 3 year wait to file for citizenship and about a years processing time for that so he COULD be looking at citizenship in about 5 years from the marriage date.

Just Jenney

So, he's head-over-heels in love with you after a three-week courtship. You say he's the "man of your dreams" -- and yet you never mention whether YOU love HIM.

Call me crazy, but 99.9999999% of people out there consider that a prerequisite to talking about marriage. There is no hint that you are anything above "like" with this man.

Also, the fact that he even MENTIONED how "he'll be able to get funding for a PhD in the US now that he'll be a US citizen" is HUGE red flag, at least to me.

Listen to your gut instincts. I bet it's telling you to slow down and take things one step at a time.

PS. "He is saying he is crazily in love with me, has felt like this before about a woman..." -- Was that a Freudian slip? Shouldn't it be "he has NEVER felt like this before about a woman"??

~ Jenney

dunroving

Presumably he doesn't have to be married to you in order to pursue his PhD? So what's the hurry? Continue as you are, let him go through the regular channels to get a visa and financial support (grad assistantship) for his PhD, and that gives you several years of dating to figure out whether the way you and he are feeling after three weeks ( ) is a long-term thing.

ImHere

I think someone saw that classic 1980's Hollywood pile of poo "Green Card" starring your friend and mine Gerard Depardue and thought "Ahh theese crayzee US immigrations they are stoopeed. I can get me zis green card by marrying some woman and zen I can life the american dreeem."

waxwabbit

It sounds like u alreaady have doubts, if u come on here asking "what should I do...."

Give it time, thats the simplest and most appropriate thing to do.......

Sarah

Hi Bluesky,
Welcome to the board! A lot of British Expats on this board met their American spouses online (although I'm not one of them) and have very sucessful and happy marriages. You have the benefit that you live close to this man so you can get to know him a lot faster than the people that had to do the long distance relationship thing.
However if there is an alarm bell ringing in your head, listen to it.
This guy could be for real, but you need to look after yourself in this, it does sound like he is going way too fast for you. Maybe you could put the brakes on for a while to asess the situation and get some persepctive. Believe me, if he really is crazy in love with you, he'll do anything to make you feel comfortable. It does sound a bit like he's pressuring you from your post and that ain't fun.
Hope it all calms down a bit for you and you can get your head together.
Take care,
Sarah.

Yorkieabroad

In fairness, in 1996 I told my sister that I'd met a new girlfriend 3 weeks earlier and we would be getting married. I didn't tell the girl though as she would have run a mile!! but I eventually got round to it and 9 years on we're still happily married with 3 kids, so sometimes it can happen.

But I'd go along with the "listen to the alarm bells" and "take things slowly" comments. If theres no need to hurry, why not slow down and enjoy the journey...

Good luck

bluesky

Thank you so much for all of your replies. Essentially, I'm not at all thinking about marriage. It is way too early. But, this is my first time dating someone from another country, and my friends made me aware that there is such a thing as green card fraud and now I've seen posts about people who several years into their marriage realized that they had been used for a green card, making it seem like you could get fooled even after you'd lived with someone for several years.

So, I'm trying to figure out what is the difference between their stories and mine.

But, the consensus seems to be that it is easy enough to sort out with time prior to getting married, just as in any relationship.

Thanks again

agostinism

There is green card fraud and marriage fraud too. As I understand a marriage starts with a relationship, and relationships lead to marriage. Concentrate yourself in the relationship part, on his side I have to say that if he has a masters or he's going for a PHD he does not need to marry you for a green card, for him the process is very simple, he just needs to apply for it after presenting all the necessary documentation, he just need to be backed up by a company (does wonders but it is not necessary), no LD certification just straight to green card proceedings.

Ask him to straighten out his status before doing anything serious. That way you get your proff of intentions (if by your post I think you are in dire need)