Lonely
Jul 12th 2010, 3:47 pm
#47
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 41,518
Re: Lonely
Good points well made!
I agree too in most part with Mo.
I do think it's 'different' making friends here (meeting people) it's not as easy, you have to put more of an effort into it, make plans to put yourself in the situation where meeting/making friends is more of a possibility. Especially if you are a sahm. Every time we have moved States here, I find I have to work harder to make new friends, it's quite possibly my own fault. As has been said, maybe as we get older, we look for different things in people, we 'need' differtent kinds of people around? More genuine maybe?
I think also that part of the problem is, we can easily get into a rut, we can't be bothered putting the extra effort in and it's easy to blame everyone else?
I was talking to hubby about this just this weekend, I was saying that if I really want to meet people here, I could make some fliers up, asking if any other sahm's would be interested in setting up a 'coffee morning' or a 'dinner club' anything that might afford the opportunity to meet the neighbors etc. I know there are other sahm's here, I have seen them going out to get mail
Question is, can I be bothered? If not, how can I complain that I don't know anyone here?
We all complain (at times) about our families, but when you don't have any around, that can be a big part of the loneliness that some of us feel here too.
I agree too in most part with Mo.
I do think it's 'different' making friends here (meeting people) it's not as easy, you have to put more of an effort into it, make plans to put yourself in the situation where meeting/making friends is more of a possibility. Especially if you are a sahm. Every time we have moved States here, I find I have to work harder to make new friends, it's quite possibly my own fault. As has been said, maybe as we get older, we look for different things in people, we 'need' differtent kinds of people around? More genuine maybe?
I think also that part of the problem is, we can easily get into a rut, we can't be bothered putting the extra effort in and it's easy to blame everyone else?
I was talking to hubby about this just this weekend, I was saying that if I really want to meet people here, I could make some fliers up, asking if any other sahm's would be interested in setting up a 'coffee morning' or a 'dinner club' anything that might afford the opportunity to meet the neighbors etc. I know there are other sahm's here, I have seen them going out to get mail
Question is, can I be bothered? If not, how can I complain that I don't know anyone here?
We all complain (at times) about our families, but when you don't have any around, that can be a big part of the loneliness that some of us feel here too.
Suddenly I was driving children to school through the 'loop' and then returning to a suburban area where you would think everyone had been 'body-snatched' leaving just the gardeners and maids. As you say, making friends suddenly became a hard graft of trying to join groups in a way which felt somewhat artificial and forced. This could have happened if I'd moved to another area of the UK as well, but I would say the greater physical distances here, the way people drive into their garages and go straight into the house and the lack of the concept of dropping in for a chat make meeting people less natural than in England. I would say that much more than over there people will hug me me, say I'm just darling, so funny, adorable etc etc but 'flake' on actual arrangements.I do hope you meet some people, maybe the fliers isn't a bad idea, a lot of work to start with but it might take off?
Different people get their identity from a variety of places. Work, family, physical surroundings, arts etc. Whatever makes us feel good about ourselves. If we get our feeling of well being from being in the right environment and that environment is removed - we crumble. Catch-22, most people really don't know what motivates or fulfills them until it is gone, sometimes not even then.
Jul 12th 2010, 3:56 pm
#48
I have a comma problem
Joined: Feb 2009
Location: Fox Lake, IL (from Carrickfergus NI)
Posts: 49,598
Re: Lonely
I've tried to not comment on things like this because it just ends up in frustration or falling on deaf ears, but did it ever occur (and this is NOT directed at any individual post here) that it's you who has the ability to do something about this?
I know every part of the country is different, and that there will be a dozen objections to why this won't work where you live, but where I am, I can hardly keep my neighbors away. We have a block party every summer, that everyone participates in. We have a holiday home tour party in December. We're having a meeting this week aptly titled Know Your Neighborhood, for disaster preparedness and crime prevention planning, we all gab when we're passing and someone is in the yard, we meet up at the Farmer's Market, most of us who work from home go out for coffee whenever someone's bored or wants out for an hour.. I can hardly get any alone time away from them!
I joined the neighborhood association and attend the monthly meetings. There's a buttload of stuff to volunteer and participate in with that.. in other words, as much effort as I put into it, I get back more than enough socializing and friendly neighborliness. I wanted to walk a dog, so I offered to walk the next door's when they're at work; now I have someone I can leave my housekey with if I want to go away. Trade favors, do something for someone, ask for help, advice, information you may even already know.
I just find it discouraging to read over and over about how insular Americans are and how in your lap British are when I can't seem to get rid of the Americans I have! The most recent Brit we've met here only wants to socialize with Brits or talk about things British and he's lived here 20 years.
Dh didn't want anything to do with him, even though they have a passionate shared interest.
It's one of those days when I just don't get it. Had to have my little rant.
I know every part of the country is different, and that there will be a dozen objections to why this won't work where you live, but where I am, I can hardly keep my neighbors away. We have a block party every summer, that everyone participates in. We have a holiday home tour party in December. We're having a meeting this week aptly titled Know Your Neighborhood, for disaster preparedness and crime prevention planning, we all gab when we're passing and someone is in the yard, we meet up at the Farmer's Market, most of us who work from home go out for coffee whenever someone's bored or wants out for an hour.. I can hardly get any alone time away from them!
I joined the neighborhood association and attend the monthly meetings. There's a buttload of stuff to volunteer and participate in with that.. in other words, as much effort as I put into it, I get back more than enough socializing and friendly neighborliness. I wanted to walk a dog, so I offered to walk the next door's when they're at work; now I have someone I can leave my housekey with if I want to go away. Trade favors, do something for someone, ask for help, advice, information you may even already know.
I just find it discouraging to read over and over about how insular Americans are and how in your lap British are when I can't seem to get rid of the Americans I have! The most recent Brit we've met here only wants to socialize with Brits or talk about things British and he's lived here 20 years.
Dh didn't want anything to do with him, even though they have a passionate shared interest.
It's one of those days when I just don't get it. Had to have my little rant.
I find it difficult to make friends anywhere, not just in the US. When I do, it is usually through a shared interest/experience and anyway, I do cherish my anonymity. I'm sure I appear as a bit of a git but I've never been one (UK or US) to do the whole neighbour thing, I can't imagine anything worse than having all and sundry from my street knocking my door and asking for shit, or trying to drag me outside to do stuff.
And that would be the reason I have few, but valued, friends out here in the USA. I have very different interests, mostly I like to be indoors and out of big groups, and most people round my way are outdoorsey, loud and social types - fine for them but I really can't handle big groups well. My poor sister came out to visit, and we went to a Cubs game, and while it was a good experience (not least for my son) so be at Wrigley Field and see the game and atmosphere and that, all I could think of was how claustrophobic I felt being surrounded by loud strangers
I've always been a loner, and that is fine for me. I didn't expect to make armies of friends when I moved out here - all my friends from home are school friends, some of whom I've known since we were 4. At 4, it is easy to make friends - at 31 and being a bit quiet and reserved it is not quite as easy, and that would have happened had I moved to London. I have my band, some very nice people I met at gigs who share a passion for music, one coach from my son's footy league, two Expat Brits and some friends inherited from my wife, and that is more than enough. Even the in-laws get too much for me sometimes to be honest.
I'm not painting a nice picture of myself am I? I'm really quite nice, just a bit of a weirdo
Come and see my band for an example - on stage I'm no wallflower, but as soon as break time hits I'm usually hanging around off-stage by my guitar case, or on stage mucking about with cords or what have you . . .
Enigmatic is the word I'm looking for, right?
Jul 12th 2010, 4:03 pm
#49
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2009
Location: North Charleston,SC. born in Stockport,UK.
Posts: 10,109
Re: Lonely
I had previously met people at school, uni, work and then children's school without even thinking about it - in fact I usually tried to run away from them Suddenly I was driving children to school through the 'loop' and then returning to a suburban area where you would think everyone had been 'body-snatched' leaving just the gardeners and maids. As you say, making friends suddenly became a hard graft of trying to join groups in a way which felt somewhat artificial and forced. This could have happened if I'd moved to another area of the UK as well, but I would say the greater physical distances here, the way people drive into their garages and go straight into the house and the lack of the concept of dropping in for a chat make meeting people less natural than in England. I would say that much more than over there people will hug me me, say I'm just darling, so funny, adorable etc etc but 'flake' on actual arrangements.
I do hope you meet some people, maybe the fliers isn't a bad idea, a lot of work to start with but it might take off?
Suddenly I was driving children to school through the 'loop' and then returning to a suburban area where you would think everyone had been 'body-snatched' leaving just the gardeners and maids. As you say, making friends suddenly became a hard graft of trying to join groups in a way which felt somewhat artificial and forced. This could have happened if I'd moved to another area of the UK as well, but I would say the greater physical distances here, the way people drive into their garages and go straight into the house and the lack of the concept of dropping in for a chat make meeting people less natural than in England. I would say that much more than over there people will hug me me, say I'm just darling, so funny, adorable etc etc but 'flake' on actual arrangements.I do hope you meet some people, maybe the fliers isn't a bad idea, a lot of work to start with but it might take off?
Unfortunately, my commitment level may not be attractive to employers! I want maybe 4 hours a day, no weekends and lots of vacation time!
Thank you for the encouragement Sally, if we could win the lottery, I could do without friends and just be happy touring the Country in a huge tour bus!
Jul 12th 2010, 5:33 pm
#50
Catahoula Lover!!!
Joined: Jul 2008
Location: Seattle - WA
Posts: 924
Re: Lonely
I've tried to not comment on things like this because it just ends up in frustration or falling on deaf ears, but did it ever occur (and this is NOT directed at any individual post here) that it's you who has the ability to do something about this?
I know every part of the country is different, and that there will be a dozen objections to why this won't work where you live, but where I am, I can hardly keep my neighbors away. We have a block party every summer, that everyone participates in. We have a holiday home tour party in December. We're having a meeting this week aptly titled Know Your Neighborhood, for disaster preparedness and crime prevention planning, we all gab when we're passing and someone is in the yard, we meet up at the Farmer's Market, most of us who work from home go out for coffee whenever someone's bored or wants out for an hour.. I can hardly get any alone time away from them!
I joined the neighborhood association and attend the monthly meetings. There's a buttload of stuff to volunteer and participate in with that.. in other words, as much effort as I put into it, I get back more than enough socializing and friendly neighborliness. I wanted to walk a dog, so I offered to walk the next door's when they're at work; now I have someone I can leave my housekey with if I want to go away. Trade favors, do something for someone, ask for help, advice, information you may even already know.
I just find it discouraging to read over and over about how insular Americans are and how in your lap British are when I can't seem to get rid of the Americans I have! The most recent Brit we've met here only wants to socialize with Brits or talk about things British and he's lived here 20 years.
Dh didn't want anything to do with him, even though they have a passionate shared interest.
It's one of those days when I just don't get it. Had to have my little rant.
I know every part of the country is different, and that there will be a dozen objections to why this won't work where you live, but where I am, I can hardly keep my neighbors away. We have a block party every summer, that everyone participates in. We have a holiday home tour party in December. We're having a meeting this week aptly titled Know Your Neighborhood, for disaster preparedness and crime prevention planning, we all gab when we're passing and someone is in the yard, we meet up at the Farmer's Market, most of us who work from home go out for coffee whenever someone's bored or wants out for an hour.. I can hardly get any alone time away from them!
I joined the neighborhood association and attend the monthly meetings. There's a buttload of stuff to volunteer and participate in with that.. in other words, as much effort as I put into it, I get back more than enough socializing and friendly neighborliness. I wanted to walk a dog, so I offered to walk the next door's when they're at work; now I have someone I can leave my housekey with if I want to go away. Trade favors, do something for someone, ask for help, advice, information you may even already know.
I just find it discouraging to read over and over about how insular Americans are and how in your lap British are when I can't seem to get rid of the Americans I have! The most recent Brit we've met here only wants to socialize with Brits or talk about things British and he's lived here 20 years.
Dh didn't want anything to do with him, even though they have a passionate shared interest.
It's one of those days when I just don't get it. Had to have my little rant.
(not me - or maybe it is!!)
Jul 12th 2010, 5:43 pm
#51
Catahoula Lover!!!
Joined: Jul 2008
Location: Seattle - WA
Posts: 924
Re: Lonely
Seriously - do look they do exist, you see its a mutual thing, they get me TOTALLY over qualified for the job, I get NO benefits except 10 days vaca, if I am lucky there is bottled water and toilet paper (we have been known to run out of both at the same time) and I get paid pittance... in return it is 100% flexible.
I know I know I am a lucky b*tch...
The upside for hubby is he doesn't have to do any home chores, except fixing things... no grocery shopping, no cleaning, no laundry, no cooking (except the BBQ) no gardening... he can just spend all his free time on ebay and in the garage motorbike building!!
Jul 12th 2010, 6:27 pm
#52
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 22,105
Re: Lonely
ohh do you want my job - those types of jobs are out there, I do 4 days a week Mon - Thurs, 5.5hrs a day, I am so bloody lucky we don't rely on my income to live off of! I get 10 days paid and any other vacation I take as unpaid..... and I am just about to ask for 3 weeks off to go travelling.... hmmmm I may not have a job by the end of this week then
Seriously - do look they do exist, you see its a mutual thing, they get me TOTALLY over qualified for the job, I get NO benefits except 10 days vaca, if I am lucky there is bottled water and toilet paper (we have been known to run out of both at the same time) and I get paid pittance... in return it is 100% flexible.
I know I know I am a lucky b*tch...
The upside for hubby is he doesn't have to do any home chores, except fixing things... no grocery shopping, no cleaning, no laundry, no cooking (except the BBQ) no gardening... he can just spend all his free time on ebay and in the garage motorbike building!!
Seriously - do look they do exist, you see its a mutual thing, they get me TOTALLY over qualified for the job, I get NO benefits except 10 days vaca, if I am lucky there is bottled water and toilet paper (we have been known to run out of both at the same time) and I get paid pittance... in return it is 100% flexible.
I know I know I am a lucky b*tch...
The upside for hubby is he doesn't have to do any home chores, except fixing things... no grocery shopping, no cleaning, no laundry, no cooking (except the BBQ) no gardening... he can just spend all his free time on ebay and in the garage motorbike building!!
Jul 12th 2010, 6:31 pm
#53
Joined: Oct 2006
Location: Reno Nevada
Posts: 15,917
Re: Lonely
Part of my job role is to hire demo folk my guys do 3-4 hours demos in major chain stores as many days a week as required, it pays OK and you get to meet new people...it's worth looking at the local CL job ads under part-time for this type of employment.
Jul 12th 2010, 10:03 pm
#54
Ping-ponger
Joined: Jul 2002
Location: Dreich Alba
Posts: 12,005
Re: Lonely
I totally agree with this, I haven't ever found English people to be more friendly than Americans - in fact I would say the complete opposite, I know English people who would rather cross the street than engage in conversation with someone they know (not me - or maybe it is!!)
(not me - or maybe it is!!)
Jul 12th 2010, 11:14 pm
#55
staying around
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: In peace
Posts: 2,328
Re: Lonely
I have a pretty good part time job as well. Although it can be a bit stressful at times, but not horrible. Last year I worked 4 hours a day and got all major holidays off (2 weeks at Christmas, 1 week Spring Break and all summer long). The pay isn't bad, but we would be hard stretched to make a living off of it. Thankfully we don't count on it. It is nice to be at work with other people though.
Jul 13th 2010, 3:08 am
#57
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 22,105
Re: Lonely
Do you hire those retired people for Costco demos?
Jul 13th 2010, 9:49 am
#58
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2010
Posts: 36
Re: Lonely
Thank you everyone for your comments. Perhaps I should of explained a little more. I am 45 have 4 kids living in UK, youngest is 14 today.I am unable to work. I am in chronic pain 24/7, I have no family here at all. I cant ride in a car more than 20 mins, I can't walk round the shops or even sit for more than about 30 mins. I am on ice, heat, tens machine,pain killers. 24/7. I am having 2 surgerys over the next month but it will not fix me it may reduce my pain from a 10 to and 8 for a few months, but it may do nothing at all. My husband has no health in and he is a diabetic. I had to wait 6 months before Cobra was sorted out and in Jan 2011 my premiums go up to $1500 per month. So I will lose it, then my meds alone will cost me $600 per month. No one new will insure me as I have a pre existing condition.My husband was made unemployed last Oct. I havent seen my eldest 3 kids or any family for 3 years due to my medical condition and also money. I have never seen my 1st grandson who is 1 and my daughter is in labour as I write this with her second baby.I am sorry to post such a bleak post 
All the suggestions were a fantastic idea and I thank you, I wish I could do even 1 of them. Again I am sorry for such a miserable post....
All the suggestions were a fantastic idea and I thank you, I wish I could do even 1 of them. Again I am sorry for such a miserable post....
Jul 13th 2010, 12:54 pm
#59
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Feb 2009
Location: North Charleston,SC. born in Stockport,UK.
Posts: 10,109
Re: Lonely
Thank you everyone for your comments. Perhaps I should of explained a little more. I am 45 have 4 kids living in UK, youngest is 14 today.I am unable to work. I am in chronic pain 24/7, I have no family here at all. I cant ride in a car more than 20 mins, I can't walk round the shops or even sit for more than about 30 mins. I am on ice, heat, tens machine,pain killers. 24/7. I am having 2 surgerys over the next month but it will not fix me it may reduce my pain from a 10 to and 8 for a few months, but it may do nothing at all. My husband has no health in and he is a diabetic. I had to wait 6 months before Cobra was sorted out and in Jan 2011 my premiums go up to $1500 per month. So I will lose it, then my meds alone will cost me $600 per month. No one new will insure me as I have a pre existing condition.My husband was made unemployed last Oct. I havent seen my eldest 3 kids or any family for 3 years due to my medical condition and also money. I have never seen my 1st grandson who is 1 and my daughter is in labour as I write this with her second baby.I am sorry to post such a bleak post All the suggestions were a fantastic idea and I thank you, I wish I could do even 1 of them. Again I am sorry for such a miserable post....
All the suggestions were a fantastic idea and I thank you, I wish I could do even 1 of them. Again I am sorry for such a miserable post....
Jul 13th 2010, 1:14 pm
#60
staying around
Joined: Jul 2003
Location: In peace
Posts: 2,328
Re: Lonely
Thank you everyone for your comments. Perhaps I should of explained a little more. I am 45 have 4 kids living in UK, youngest is 14 today.I am unable to work. I am in chronic pain 24/7, I have no family here at all. I cant ride in a car more than 20 mins, I can't walk round the shops or even sit for more than about 30 mins. I am on ice, heat, tens machine,pain killers. 24/7. I am having 2 surgerys over the next month but it will not fix me it may reduce my pain from a 10 to and 8 for a few months, but it may do nothing at all. My husband has no health in and he is a diabetic. I had to wait 6 months before Cobra was sorted out and in Jan 2011 my premiums go up to $1500 per month. So I will lose it, then my meds alone will cost me $600 per month. No one new will insure me as I have a pre existing condition.My husband was made unemployed last Oct. I havent seen my eldest 3 kids or any family for 3 years due to my medical condition and also money. I have never seen my 1st grandson who is 1 and my daughter is in labour as I write this with her second baby.I am sorry to post such a bleak post All the suggestions were a fantastic idea and I thank you, I wish I could do even 1 of them. Again I am sorry for such a miserable post....
All the suggestions were a fantastic idea and I thank you, I wish I could do even 1 of them. Again I am sorry for such a miserable post....Sorry to hear of your problems but I have to ask are your medical problems a new thing or did you have these problems before you came over?
Not seeing your kids or family for 3 years must of been something you knew could probably happen when you came over here as your husband only lost his job last Oct before that im guessing you were aware of his income and if it was likely that trips back to the UK were possible.
Loss of health insurance is a major blow and with all your medical problems I would seriously look at returning to the UK..
Last edited by candy wy.; Jul 13th 2010 at 2:07 pm.