British Expats - For the ladies only

Some old some new (maybe) but should still bring a smile to your faces.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his
Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he
shouted to Me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

“It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "University of Minnesota."

And they say blondes are dumb...
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the
happiest woman in the world"

The woman says, "I'll miss you..."
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It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped
out of the shower. "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would
think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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He said - Since I first laid eyes on you, I have wanted to make love
to you really badly.
“She said - Well, you succeeded.
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He said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight?

She said - That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board
while I sit on the sofa and fart.
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He said - What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?

She said - Turn sideways and look in the mirror.

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Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor
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A man and his wife, now in their 60's were celebrating their 40th
wedding anniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them
and said that because they had been so good that each one of them
could have one wish.

The wife wished for a trip around the world with her
husband. Whoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.

The man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...
Whoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!!
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A PRAYER....

Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive
him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for
Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
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Q: How can you tell when a man is well hung?

A: When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
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Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.
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Q: How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: One---he just holds it up there and waits for the world to
revolve around him.

OR Three -- one to screw in the bulb, and two to listen to him brag
about the screwing part.
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Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?

A: Trustworthy.
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Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and
calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
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Q: Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?

A: Because not one will stop and ask directions.
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Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?

A: To stop the snoring before it starts.
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Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?

A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
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Q: What is the difference between men and women?

A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants
every woman to satisfy his one need.
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Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
“A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"