yellowbrickroad

And if you have emigrated - especially if you have settled successfully - think hard before going "home".

Absolutely, I could not agree more. I have done nothing BUT think about remaining in Australia over the last two years, and have come to the conclusion, that despite the issues with my children's dad living in the UK, I dont like it here. I drew up a list of pros and cons, and , for me, the UK far outweights Australia in terms of pros. I did the same job there as I have done here......and have found that the negatives to the job are the same the world over......My standard of living here is no different, in fact its probably less than in the UK. Ive given it two years, so feel that I have given it long enough to make a good decision. I feel that all there is here for me and my family is a beach and sunshine, and thats not enough to keep me here at this stage in my life. Maybe when I retire, but not now. So I have stayed long enough to get citizenship, but soon as ..Im outta here...... As long as I have give the boys the opportunity to spend time with their dad in the UK, then I have done my job. Whether he takes this up, or they do (as the oldest is now able to make that decision for himself), what will be will be. I came to Australia for want of a better life, but I must admit, I havent found it here, so I am sooo releived to be going back. The situation with my ex is just an added component, but one which all add up in my decision making.

If you truly, love living in New Zealand, then I would suggest that you do think long and hard about whether to move back to the UK...for me, I just did not find Australia lived up to my expectations, no matter how much reseach or holidays/trips here I had before I moved here

uk+kiwi

Because I am surprised by some of the 'don't do it' replies to your situation so far (or maybe they were not directed at you so if not, apologies), I felt I needed to reply to your dilemna since I have a different view. Only on the basis that I am a parent and was a child once, albeit from a stable two parent happy home.

If it were me, and without knowing the details surrounding your circumstances, I would move back to the UK to build a better relationship with my son. I have just asked hubbie and he said exactly the same thing.

Primarily because if you don't, you will most likely regret it. And it may then be too late. Children aren't children for very long and it is vital IMO that as little time is lost as possible when adult relationships breakdown to preserve the ones with the child. It will help your LT relationship with him. Addtionally, your ex may be consciously or otherwise, painting a less than desirable impression of you upon your son for moving to the other side of the world and leaving him in the UK. Which of course is not healthy for your son to feel growing up. I'm not meaning this to sound judgmental to your current situation btw, haven't given that any thought, simply what could be going on currently.

Things may not work out with your son in the way that you hope. But at least you would have tried. Obviously I would not wish you to be in total misery yourself because of it by the way. But sacrificing some happiness because you are a parent - I think that is reasonable to be honest.

Assuming worst case scenario of you move back and your ex decides at some point they want to move abroad, I suspect you will have the power to refuse her/them to take your son out of the UK. Which you may or may not choose to execute at that time, IF it even came about.

Good luck. I do not envy your dilemna at all. I know it must have been very hard when your relationship/marriage broke down, you started afresh in a new country and now you are thinking about what's best for your son. Karma to you for doing so. Many simply run away for a very long time.

Go with what you feel is 'right', regardless of what others say, since you are the one that will live with your decision/s.

And if you decide to return, would you consider asking your son for his thoughts on this - age dependent?

mingusdynasty

I feel like I sacrificed my 20's for my ex anyway. 7 long years of hell - doing the right thing for the sake of my son. Basically, I got somebody pregnant by mistake (yep, dumb dumb and dumber) and ended up marrying 'for the sake of the child'. So as you see the guilt trips started very early.

My general happiness on a scale of 1..10 would have been oh 1.5....

Yeah, tried to make it work alright. Would I do it again, not bloody likely! Let's just say, the words "I'm pregnant" from someone you barely know, when you have just started second year of university and who assured you she was on the pill "and couldn't get pregnant because her doctor told her etc)....well that was a bitter pill to swallow, let me tell you.

The fact she waited nearly 5 months to tell me was another blow. Obviously I asked her to consider an abortion but it was too late by that stage.

Lets just say, it was tough, really tough. When people say they are on the breadline I know what it's like cos i've been there and done it. With no help from either family, a kid to support, a relationship barely working, and a university degree to work through.

The whole thing nearly ruined my relationship with my family.

About the only good think which came out of it, was a fantastic little boy.

So, you see there is some baggage.

uk+kiwi

Oh dear. It sounds like you're much better off without your ex but sadly have a child out of the memory (no disrespect to your son intended). I would guess it wasn't easy for her either though, having a child at such a young age. Sorry you had such a rough ride. It's not healthy to be miserable, for whatever reason.

I don't know what else to say really, apart from follow your heart and try to be happy. Maybe you should be 'selfish' if that makes you the happiest.

It's lovely what you say about your son.

kiwi_child

He can at least afford to be fast tracked for either a lung reduction or lung transplant op. Hope he gets one of these operations done; either of them can be life saving.

Mallory

So, you had never heard of condoms? I'm having a hard time sympathizing with you.

rabsody

Me too. It's all "me, me, me".

I think my ex just see's me as someone who gives them cash, and don't really care about me at all.

Sorry, I know there are two sides to every story and all that, but you live over the other side of the world, by your own admission you can't be bothered to even call your son and yet you are annoyed your ex only wants maintenance from you and doesn't care. Firstly, you are divorced are you not? Wouldn't have thought caring would be too high on the agenda really. Secondly, I fail to see how you can begrudge paying maintenance in the absence of any other form of support i.e. emotional and physical.

scoobydoo

I know you must be pretty much peed off with your ex for doing what she did......and I dont doubt that there is quite a big of anger and frustration....about the whole thing. The thing is, you sound like you do care for your son,and I am sure you do want to spend time with him, but feel like you ex is putting obstacles in your way... I guess you need to prioritise whats important to you.....At the moment, he is living with your ex, but that does not prevent you from having a relationship with him... and it does not take away from him the fact that you are his real dad. I am sure he will be asking questions about you etc etc. Like others have said he is a child, you are the adult. What happend between you and your wife is between you and her, your son is a different matter.......If you show him you care by making the effort to ring, get in contact, write letters etc, he will see this for himself and thats what matters. The fact that you are supporting him financially is good. If she is putting obstacles in the way, let her, it doesnt stop you from being a dad.

As for all the crap you refer to which went on when you were in the uk.... if you decided to go back.... remember that you have a choice as to whether to engage in the crap or not.....just as you have a choice as whether to stay in New Zealand or return to the UK. You cant controll what others do say or think, but you can take controll of what you do. Good luck, and I am sure one day your son will respect you for doing the right thing by him.

LouiseD

Some girls do it one purpose though don't they, just to trap the guy - this is cruel and wicked and it's no wonder the guy resents what she did.

Mallory

he wouldn't resent her if he had used a condom. he should resent his own bad judgment. it takes two make a baby.

blaze

I wasn't far off then! A family member of mine used to own one of the small sub post offices just outside Abergavenny. She sold it about 4 years ago but was the sub post master (mistress) for quite a few years before that. Like you said, hard work, lots of hours and takes a while to see a return. She loved all of her customers though, she misses the chatty part of the job!

I must say, I am very curious to know which one you run now though as I know that area pretty well, I grew up in Caerphilly and then moved to Cardiff as an adult, I would still be there now if I hadn't met an American (my dearest OH! ) while out on the town one night (many moons ago may I add!)

mingusdynasty

Not asking for any....Like I say, when your gf who you trust tells you she is on the pill and can't get pregnant for medical reasons...you tend to believe her (Well you do if you were naive like I was). You live and learn!

mingusdynasty

Absolutely...but I was a trusting soul back then who wasn't bitter and cynical

mingusdynasty

Who say's I begrudge paying maintenance? I do begrudge the fact my ex see's me as the nearest ATM but that is a different thing entirely.

mingusdynasty

Yep, and I felt trapped. Now im free! Yay!

She has a new partner now who she is happy with too. My son is happy. Everybody is happy.

But there is guilt for living on the other side of the world and hardly seeing your son..anyway this is no place to discuss things this personal.