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I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Old Aug 22nd 2008, 12:23 am
  #91  
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by AmerLisa
It isn't always a black or white situation. Children of divorced parents usually live with one or the other parent, with the other parent having visitation rights. Whether it be in one city or two States across. Forcing two parents to live in one city is pretty cruel and not considering what's right for everyone.

Anyway, its neither here nor there, I'm just sorry SB has to live her life like that. But you do what you have to do.
Like I said, I do sympathise of course.

I do think it's a common situation though - if one parent moved (with the kids) a long ways away - the parent with visitation would get far less time with the children.

No good answer I think.
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Old Aug 22nd 2008, 1:18 am
  #92  
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by Tracym
Like I said, I do sympathise of course.

I do think it's a common situation though - if one parent moved (with the kids) a long ways away - the parent with visitation would get far less time with the children.

No good answer I think.
It IS common. (And something to think about when considering marriage to/divorce from someone of a different nationality). In fact many a person who is contemplating divorce has taken into account the likelihood of this situation (that the courts will not separat the children from either parent), and has purposely delayed the 'I want a divorce' conversation until after they 've convinced their other half to move to another locale which better suits the 'divorcer'. I've seen this many many times.

(I remember this Spanish guy who'd met his Californian wife in Spain, and after they moved to California she divorced him and he was now forced to stay in the Bay Area for the next 12 or 13 years if he wanted to be with his young child. The guy was so absolutely torn between his kid and his immense longing to be back home in Spain, he ended up a complete alcoholic - not exactly the best situation for the child I'd say. But I'd bet that's not an uncommon outcome in these situations)
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Old Aug 24th 2008, 5:25 am
  #93  
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

It is very difficult to be forced to live in the same city when you are sharing custody, because by definition, the costs go up to maintain two households and both parents have to have jobs. There's a lot of time spent, a LOT of time, coordinating with the other parent about the kids and many things get lost, from clothes to important facts like "it's picture day tomorrow." When you split custody nearly 50-50, it's an uproar, and I don't think it's best for the kids, but if the father insists, the father wins.

I'm at a huge disadvantage career wise to my ex; I am younger, and I took time away from work with extremely difficult pregnancies and a child who couldn't go to daycare. Texas does not have alimony, so this disparity is not addressed in that way. If I get desperate, then I cold petition to move, but about the only place we *could* move would be Silly Valley. I have a lot of mixed feelings about that, but it's the one place both parents could get work. I've tried other fields here only to be told I am overqualified!

To return to the original subject, however: there are ways I could make money outside the 9-5 arena, but then I'd lose health insurance. If wages don't tie you to a job, benefits will.

Black Sheep: there are several people on this forum who are affected by child custody issues tying them to a particular place. It is very difficult, and my heart goes out to your friend.
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Old Aug 24th 2008, 2:06 pm
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by snowbunny
Texas does not have alimony
Yikes!!
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Old Aug 24th 2008, 2:25 pm
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by Black Sheep
Yikes!!
Texas apparently DOES have alimony, but it is rare/limited.

http://www.divorcelawyerinhouston.co...ony/index.html
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Old Aug 24th 2008, 4:31 pm
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by Tracym
Texas apparently DOES have alimony, but it is rare/limited.

http://www.divorcelawyerinhouston.co...ony/index.html
Wow, to get alimony there must have been family violence or 10 years of marriage; or disabled children requiring constant care ... and then only for 3 years max. I guess it's a "man's world" in Texas - goes with the guns and such!

California is at the other extreme. A happy medium seems in order ... I'm not in favor of automatically granting a spouse half of everything after a brief marriage with no kids, but once kids are involved, and if the spouse took time out to raise the kids ... it seems perfectly reasonable. But then, Texas has never struck me as 'reasonable'!
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Old Aug 24th 2008, 5:03 pm
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by Steerpike
Wow, to get alimony there must have been family violence or 10 years of marriage; or disabled children requiring constant care ... and then only for 3 years max. I guess it's a "man's world" in Texas - goes with the guns and such!

California is at the other extreme. A happy medium seems in order ... I'm not in favor of automatically granting a spouse half of everything after a brief marriage with no kids, but once kids are involved, and if the spouse took time out to raise the kids ... it seems perfectly reasonable. But then, Texas has never struck me as 'reasonable'!
Alimony isn't always just for women

While alimony used to be almost automatic (little wifey was just at home in the kitchen and couldn't take care of herself) I believe it is becoming much less common in many states - temporary support to allow the ex-spouse to get a degree or improve his/her prospects somehow.

Child support does seem to always happen, and go on until 18 generally. But a able-bodied adult is expected (sometimes after an adjustment time period) to take care of themselves.

I guess I mostly approve... but I'd think it would have to be case by case.

I do agree with you though - Texas and reasonable are not words I most often combine in one sentence.
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Old Aug 24th 2008, 5:38 pm
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by Tracym
Texas apparently DOES have alimony, but it is rare/limited.

http://www.divorcelawyerinhouston.co...ony/index.html
I think alimony is very rare and limited in this day and age, in every State. Child support always happens, can't imagine where it wouldn't. Unless there were some special circumstances.
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Old Aug 24th 2008, 5:51 pm
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by AmerLisa
I think alimony is very rare and limited in this day and age, in every State. Child support always happens, can't imagine where it wouldn't. Unless there were some special circumstances.
Another key reason why I personally wouldn't live in the US.

Restricting, downgrading or postponing your career for pregnancy, childbirth and childcare can and does leave women in holes for the rest of their lives. With regard to earnings potential for long career breaks that's true of almost anywhere, but tie in the healthcare debacle and its a whole different ballgame.

It's extremely sexist.
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Old Aug 25th 2008, 12:01 am
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by Tootsie Frickensprinkles
Another key reason why I personally wouldn't live in the US.

Restricting, downgrading or postponing your career for pregnancy, childbirth and childcare can and does leave women in holes for the rest of their lives. With regard to earnings potential for long career breaks that's true of almost anywhere, but tie in the healthcare debacle and its a whole different ballgame.

It's extremely sexist.
How is restricting, downgrading or postponing your career for children a US only phenomenon? And what does this have to do with divorce, alimony or child support?
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Old Aug 25th 2008, 12:41 am
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

you say youve been here 3yrs and you have 1.5 yrs left for your citzenship. how you know youre gonna get that in that time? guess it depends what visa you came on. ive been here just over 4yrs and they just gave me a 10yr visa, not citzenship. just wondering thats all?
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Old Aug 25th 2008, 3:06 am
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by Tracym
Temporary support to allow the ex-spouse to get a degree or improve his/her prospects somehow.

Child support does seem to always happen, and go on until 18 generally. But a able-bodied adult is expected (sometimes after an adjustment time period) to take care of themselves.
I qualified even under the most stringent rules for "spousal maintenance" but wasn't awarded any... despite the fact that I HAD quit my job to take care of the kids (with my husband's urging that jobs+kids=3) and had to begin looking right after the high-tech bubble burst.

I already had qualifications but once you leave the workforce you aren't taken seriously again until you've managed to catch a break and work for a very long time. It's worse than being a "freshout." In my industry, you usually move if you want a fresh start, and I couldn't do that.

What is worse is the wife who's supported her husband's career for 20+ years only to find he's left her for the younger woman. The wife will likely have no marketable skills and may not be able to afford COBRA; she will not qualify for unemployment insurance because she hasn't been employed. She will not qualify for any job training program because she hasn't been displaced.

This country very definitely is cruel to those who are weak, even those who are temporarily weak.
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Old Aug 25th 2008, 7:52 am
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by AmerLisa
How is restricting, downgrading or postponing your career for children a US only phenomenon? And what does this have to do with divorce, alimony or child support?
Options for continuing your career in the States are WAY lower than everywhere in the western world bar Australia. Maternity leave for all but the highest level professionals is fundamentally non-existent and the principle of a career break (that's three years btw) would be laughed at in the USA.

If I downgrade my career anywhere else in the world at least it doesn't directly affect my ability to secure healthcare and a decent level of other legally protected benefits.

The abscence of alimony is therefore a double whammy Stateside, not only has my career been compromised, my costs (particularly healthcare, due to lower quality insurance - if any) are very likely to increase at the very time my income will decrease.

Snowbunny has detailed the issue pefectly well below, errr above.
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Old Aug 25th 2008, 8:53 am
  #104  
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by Tracym
Alimony isn't always just for women
I agree - but it probably is in Texas, because Texas is a state full of sexist men !

Seriously though - I sympathize with Snowbunny and feel that Texas is a rather extreme state in this (and many other) regards.

Are you saying that in general, Alimony is not as prevalent as it used to be, 15 years ago? Even in more reasonable states such as CA ?
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Old Aug 25th 2008, 10:19 am
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Default Re: I'm so tired of living in 'Home of the slave'

Originally Posted by Steerpike
I agree - but it probably is in Texas, because Texas is a state full of sexist men !

Seriously though - I sympathize with Snowbunny and feel that Texas is a rather extreme state in this (and many other) regards.

Are you saying that in general, Alimony is not as prevalent as it used to be, 15 years ago? Even in more reasonable states such as CA ?
Texas is..... well.... different. Was that tactful?

Re. alimony being less prevalant - I believe so. I would have to research it to be sure, but at some time in the last (probably longer than 15) years it was practically automatic.

I remember when people I knew got divorced here in Illinois (and Illinois isn't real extreme) around 7 years ago - mother had basically never worked during a 18-20 year marriage. He was an engineer/manager, and make quite a substantial salary. She got alimony (termed support I think) for 3 years to allow her to retrain.

Now in that particular case - she never worked because she was frankly lazy. This was not an agreement between the couple. She had a teaching degree, never bothered to do what she needed to in order to be able to teach in Illinois.

However, in the past, I believe he would have supported her the rest of her life. Now the courts seem to tend more towards temporary support in my experience.

Which is fair? Hard to say imo. In that particular case, I think what happened was fair. To other women, where the husband doesn't want them to work... how long is fair? Forever? Longer period of time? I'm not sure really. In part - people make their own choices, and somewhat have to live with the consequences. On the other hand... the spouse presumably shared in that decision.
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