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I really need a good British JOKE !!

I really need a good British JOKE !!

Old Jul 17th 2007, 4:46 pm
  #16  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

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Old Jul 17th 2007, 4:56 pm
  #17  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

cheesy jokes thread in TIO not good enough for ya?
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Old Jul 18th 2007, 2:40 am
  #18  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

A woman goes into a pub, and asks for a Double Entendre..

So the barman gave her one.
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Old Jul 18th 2007, 11:27 am
  #19  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

3 scientists wanted to know how much shit an elephant would produce in a year so they decided to findout with a carefully well executed experient. They shoved a huge cork up the elephants ring piece and during the following year they trainied a little tree monkey to pull the cork out.

A year to the day they were ready. One scientist stood 50 feet from the elephants backside, another stood 75 feet away and the last stood 100 feet away. The monkey was given the signal to pull out the cork and suddenly a huge rumble was heard and the elephants backside sprayed poop everywhere.
After 10 minutes the barrage of crap stopped and the scientist at 100 was knee deep in it. The scientist at 75 feet was up to his waist and the scientist at 50 feet was completely buried.

The two scientist quickly dug out the buried scientist at 50 feet and discovered him crying hysterically with laughter.

They asked him why, after being buried alive in fresh elephant shit , he was laughing his cock off.

He managed to contain himself long enough to say "You should've seen the monkey trying to put the cork back"
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Old Jul 18th 2007, 10:23 pm
  #20  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

MI6 had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the instructor took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The instructor said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Old Jul 19th 2007, 12:58 am
  #21  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

love it

Originally Posted by ENGJAP View Post
MI6 had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists. Two men and a woman.

For the final test, the instructor took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!

The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The instructor said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
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Old Jul 19th 2007, 8:30 am
  #22  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

A convict breaks into a house and ties up the husband and wife. He jumps on the wife, kisses her ear, then runs to the bathroom.

The husband whispers to the wife, "satisfy him, or he'll kill us both. I saw the way he kissed you, just be strong. I love you."

The wife replies, "he didn't kiss me, he whispered in my ear he's gay, horny and looking for vaseline. I told him its in the bathroom. Lets see who's [email protected] strong now!"
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Old Jul 19th 2007, 8:32 am
  #23  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

In a recent survey into blow jobs, and why men like them so much found that 6% liked the feeling, 12% liked the excitement and 82% just liked the [email protected] silence!
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Old Jul 19th 2007, 12:06 pm
  #24  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

Even though it was the British that came up with the first real computer The Colossus at Bletchley Park they were never major players in the PC business

why is that?

Never could figure out how to make them leak oil
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Old Jul 20th 2007, 3:44 am
  #25  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

Originally Posted by TexasHick View Post
Even though it was the British that came up with the first real computer The Colossus at Bletchley Park they were never major players in the PC business

why is that?

Never could figure out how to make them leak oil
???
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Old Jul 20th 2007, 3:46 am
  #26  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

Originally Posted by Manc View Post
???
Note the username ...
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Old Jul 20th 2007, 3:51 am
  #27  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

Two men in an airport bump into each other.
The first man says 'I can't find my wife'
The second replies 'I can't find mine either,
what does yours look like?'
"Well", the first man replies, she's 5ft10,
blonde, big boobs, wearing a mini skirt
and high heels. What does yours look like?'
"**** her", says the second man,
"Let's look for yours"
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Old Jul 20th 2007, 3:54 am
  #28  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

Some one-liners courtesy of Peter Kay:

1) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
2) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
3) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
4) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
5) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
6) Marriage is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
7) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
8) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
9) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
10) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
11) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
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Old Jul 20th 2007, 4:20 am
  #29  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

Originally Posted by rabsody View Post
Some one-liners courtesy of Peter Kay:

1) When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
2) I've often wanted to drown my troubles, but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
3) I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said 'Thyroid problem?'
4) I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time'. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
5) My Dad used to say 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got thrown out of the fire brigade.
6) Marriage is like bridge: If you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.
7) I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.'
8) If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?
9) I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.
10) You know that look women get when they want sex? No, me neither.
11) Politicians are wonderful people as long as they stay away from things they don't understand, such as working for a living.
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Old Jul 20th 2007, 4:28 am
  #30  
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Default Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!

Originally Posted by Manc View Post
???
you don't get it

British cars have quite the reputation for leaking oil here in the states.....especially the older popular ones

kind of like an Italian car and an electrical fire

sorry it gets a real laugh here

I heard the one with the wife in the airport recently, but it was two guys in Home Depot (hardware chain)

Last edited by TexasHick; Jul 20th 2007 at 4:33 am.
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