I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

I'm missing some British Sense of Humor. Even my Bro-in-law in the UK has stopped texting me some good British, not always politically correct "WIT".

Come on, lets have a laugh... Heard anything good lately...???

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

Man goes to the doctor says "I got strawberries growing out of my arse"
Doctor says "Here's some cream to put on them"

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

Tony Blair is a peace envoy to the Middle East after helping start a war in Iraq :rofl::rofl::rofl:

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

Topical, little bit of politics, like it.....

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

White horse walks into a pub.
Landlord: Oh, we've got a drink named after you. Horse: "What, Eric?"

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

A priest getting ready to hear confessions suddenly realized that he disparately had to go to the bathroom. He looked outside the confessional and saw the janitor walking by. He pulled him aside and said: "Look, I really gotta go to the bathroom, but people are lining up for confession. Could you take over for a few minutes?" The janitor began to protest, but the priest said: "Look, its easy. I have the sins and give them penance. No one will know it's you in there" The janitor agreed and took his place in the confessional.

The first parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have commited adultery." The janitor looked on the chart and found "Adultery - 20 Hail Mary". He mumbled some forgiveness sounding words and told the parishioner to say 20 Hail Marys. The parishioner thanked him and left. The janitor breathed a sign of relief.

The second parishioner entered the confessional and began "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have used the Lord's name in vain." The janitor looked down the list "Lord's name in vail - 5 Hail Marys", and assigned them. The janitor thought "Hey, I can do this. I just might get away with it!"

The third parishioner entered and began, "Bless me father, for I have sinned. I have engaged in anal sex." The janitor consulted his chart, but could find neither "Anal Sex" nor "Sex, Anal". He began to get worried. He looked out of the confessional and spied an altar walking by. He motioned the boy over. In a hushed voice, he said "Tell me something kid, what does the priest give for anal sex?". The altar boy looked him quizzically and said, "Well, usually two twinkies and a glass of milk."

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

Two goldfish are in a tank.
Once turns to the other and says.....






Wait for it





Wait for it









"So do you know how to drive this thing or what"

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

A man goes into the Doctor and suddenly starts singing "Delilah"

"AAAAaaah" says the Doctor, "You've got Tom Jones Disease"

"I've never heard of that before," relplies the patient, "Is it common?"

the Doctor sharply retorts...

"It's not unusual"

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

Try putting on NBC right now and watch Victoria Beckham making an arsse of herself, its enough to make anyone laugh or perhaps cry!!!

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

I admit it was funny, but the OP asked for some good British, not always politically correct "WIT". ;)

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

An old lady has two pet monkeys who both die. Not being able to be without her furry companions she decides to take them to the taxidermist to be stuffed.
The taxidermist explains that he has a sliding scale of charges, and the more involved the work the more he will charge.
Taxidermist - "would you like them stuffed and mounted"
old lady - "no, holding hands will do"

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

Dad decided to make dinner for the family one night and, trying to impress, decided to cook deer.

The kids were eager to know what was on the menu but dad thought that the idea of eating bambi might put them off.

The kids wouldn't give up and eventually the dad gives in but still doesn't want to tell them that it's deer for tea. "I'll give you a clue" he says, "it's the name that mummy sometimes calls daddy......

"I know, I know" squeals the little girl "are we having a f***ing a***hole":blink:

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

.

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he's gone.*

*courtesy of Stephen Wright

Re: I really need a good British JOKE !!
 

What did the constipated mathematician do?
































worked it out with a pencil