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How to deal with leaving family behind?

How to deal with leaving family behind?

Old Sep 24th 2008, 8:04 pm
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Default How to deal with leaving family behind?

We are in the process of emigrating to Seattle in Oct, husband has new job in US. We also have two young boys, 3.5 and 6 months. I was wondering how your family's have reacted and how you deal with taking the kids away from the grandparents. In Laws are quite old and we have no idea if they will come out and visit. She is very close to my eldest so will have a tough time of it and we sometimes are not even sure she realises we are really going!! Am kind of worried that my husband will come back through guilt of his mum. I have to say that our family has had very mixed reactions so wanted other people's family reactions.
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Old Sep 24th 2008, 8:23 pm
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

my kids were not disimilar ages when we came here last Oct (3.5 years and 11 months). The hardest part was leaving the grandparents behind. Whilst I love my parents we didnt live in their pockets and probably saw them every other month or so. Now we video conference every single week via MSN (we bought and installed a webcam for them before we left) and so strangely enough we probably 'seechat' with each other more now than before we left. The kids love to speak to nan and grandad on the 'puter and my parents love to see and talk to them too. It happens every week without fail unless one of us is away from home. I also make a point of sharing photos etc with my parents and they can obviously read my blog about the trip so far - so can catch up with what we are up to on there as well if they want.

My parents are also quite elderly (hovering around 70) and living on a very small pension so i wasnt sure how often (if at all) they would make it over here. Having said that - we had a chance to take a trip back home in march and stayed with them for 2 weeks, and they had an unexpected invite to a wedding in canada so made a stoppover here for 6 days after that - so we have both had trips that were not initially planned.

edited to say - all the above is about my parents. My husbands mum died a long time ago and we dont have a close relationship with his dad and stepmum at all. They have met our oldest son only twice and never met our youngest son at all when we lived in the uk so we dont really worry about that relationship as they were never that close to start with.

So far - I feel we havnt suffered with the relationship at all. The real test will be for us - that I am expecting an new baby in the new year and that baby will initially meet and get to know the grandparents via the webcams only - rather than in person so might be harder to bond like the older 2 have. Time will tell.

Last edited by MsElui; Sep 24th 2008 at 8:27 pm.
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Old Sep 24th 2008, 9:24 pm
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We just buggered off in the middle of the night. That was three years ago - they still haven't found us.
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Old Sep 24th 2008, 10:19 pm
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

We have always lived in 'suitcase' distance from our families so it was less of an issue than if we had lived in the same town. Our siblings were extremely positive about the move, round trips for both of them. Sadly both of our Dads are dead and I know that they would have been so excited about visiting us. The main thing to do is keep in touch with your family and talk to the children frequently about them, it is only awkward if you allow it to be. Mine were a lot older when we moved here but they just love their Grandmothers, Aunts and Uncles, cousins etc. My Mum flew here just before her 70th birthday, my MIL is fantastic for her age and will happily jump on a plane. Don't let it worry you too much, as far as I know grandparents love is unconditional and everyone will be fine. Guess I've got a great family!
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Old Sep 26th 2008, 11:51 am
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

I 'll read this thread with interest.

We are considering the US move with our 9yo and <1yo.

My parents are separated and my Dad has new wife and lives 120miles from us, I see him once a month or so for an hour or so.

My mom on the other hand is a lonely old spinster (59), prematurely ageing with no friends as she 'over uses' peoples good intentions. I have no fondness for her, merely a sense of duty (guilt driven).

Its perhaps hard for most to understand that I have no affection for my mother, but it is as a result of years of unpallatable behaviour after the split with my dad.

I have a sister and our feelings towards our Mother are the same, we are there out of duty, we fetch and carry. I've cut my visits down to 2 or 3 times a month.

She will hit me with the big 'Guilt' bat should we move abroad, I have no doubt of it. She would be welcome to visit us for weeks at a time, or until my wife had had enough....
This is my only concern with emigrating anywhere. Its perhaps hard for most to understand that I have no affection for my mother, but it is as a result of years of unpallatable behaviour after the split with my dad.
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Old Sep 26th 2008, 2:01 pm
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

Originally Posted by _jon_
I 'll read this thread with interest.

We are considering the US move with our 9yo and <1yo.

My parents are separated and my Dad has new wife and lives 120miles from us, I see him once a month or so for an hour or so.

My mom on the other hand is a lonely old spinster (59), prematurely ageing with no friends as she 'over uses' peoples good intentions. I have no fondness for her, merely a sense of duty (guilt driven).

Its perhaps hard for most to understand that I have no affection for my mother, but it is as a result of years of unpallatable behaviour after the split with my dad.

I have a sister and our feelings towards our Mother are the same, we are there out of duty, we fetch and carry. I've cut my visits down to 2 or 3 times a month.

She will hit me with the big 'Guilt' bat should we move abroad, I have no doubt of it. She would be welcome to visit us for weeks at a time, or until my wife had had enough....
This is my only concern with emigrating anywhere. Its perhaps hard for most to understand that I have no affection for my mother, but it is as a result of years of unpallatable behaviour after the split with my dad.
Well, that's a sad little post. Your mum is not an old spinster. She is a middle-aged divorcee. I guess your dad was having a midlife crisis, and ran off with a younger woman, and is driving a red sports car.

Your mum is your mum, and you should love her unconditionally (unless she is a mass murderer or something). She is your mum, and a grandparent to yr children.

My MIL wasn't the easiest person to like, but I always showed her courtesy, invited her over, and took the grandchildren to see her.

We can't always have perfect parents like on the Brady Bunch.

One day you kids will grow up - what if they aren't fond of you, and they just feel like you are a burden to them? They just come to see you out of a sense of duty.

If you show your kids that you love your parents unconditionally, then you will be setting a good example. Perhaps they will learn from it, and treat you nice in your old age. We don't get to hand pick our family - we just love them as they are, warts and all.
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Old Sep 26th 2008, 2:19 pm
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

Originally Posted by _jon_
I 'll read this thread with interest.

We are considering the US move with our 9yo and <1yo.

My parents are separated and my Dad has new wife and lives 120miles from us, I see him once a month or so for an hour or so.

My mom on the other hand is a lonely old spinster (59), prematurely ageing with no friends as she 'over uses' peoples good intentions. I have no fondness for her, merely a sense of duty (guilt driven).

Its perhaps hard for most to understand that I have no affection for my mother, but it is as a result of years of unpallatable behaviour after the split with my dad.

I have a sister and our feelings towards our Mother are the same, we are there out of duty, we fetch and carry. I've cut my visits down to 2 or 3 times a month.

She will hit me with the big 'Guilt' bat should we move abroad, I have no doubt of it. She would be welcome to visit us for weeks at a time, or until my wife had had enough....
This is my only concern with emigrating anywhere. Its perhaps hard for most to understand that I have no affection for my mother, but it is as a result of years of unpallatable behaviour after the split with my dad.


I was not the biggest fan of my father and also distanced myself from him over the years due to his character and certain ways which I am not going into on a public forum.

Never the less as much as he was an old sod,he died last year and I managed to more or less smooth things over with him before he passed, a lot of bad words were said and hurtful,but I think it cleared the air, I will never know, less then 3 weeks after the argument I managed to get back to the UK just in time and he died in my arms from cancer.

When he was alive I had no care in the world if I ever saw him again, but I tell you now and remeber this please,I would do anything to have 1 more day even an hour with him, maybe through my own guilt I don't know, so please how ever much of a witch your mother is make it up with her or at least be civil, but still follow your dreams.....
My dad always said to me as does my mother still today, "never live your life through the eyes of other's, live your life as you see fit"...............is it hard to leave, you bet your arse it is I am in the UK now for the sole purpose to see my mother who is 77yrs old, and leaving monday(lived abroad for 24yrs +) but it never gets easier to leave it will break my heart and her's I am 44yrs old an only child, but I have my life, selfish as it may seem....... LIVE IT.

I think what I am trying to say I to had no affection for my father BUT I loved him if that makes sense

Last edited by Poppy girl; Sep 26th 2008 at 2:22 pm.
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Old Sep 26th 2008, 3:26 pm
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

I think anyone who has ever emmigrated has had 'guilt trips', some real, some imagined. For the sake of yor sanity, focus on what is best for you, your OH and children. It does sound very selfish but you are your own family unit and it is down to both partners to decide what is best for them and their children. Present to family your plans, after it's a done deal, it does help to have pictures of where you're going, schools etc. There is no doubt about it, it is tough but if you 'tell' rather than ask their opinion you will be just fine ( with a touch of compassion, of course!)
My Mum was 54 when my Dad died, I was 22 at the time and living at home. The best thing that I did for myself and my Mum was to move away a year later. It allowed me to live my life and Mum to develop a new life on her own. I can happily say that she is always out doing things, has travelled to many places and is a very upbeat 73 yr old! She has made her own life and although she would trade it in to have my Dad back in a heartbeat, she is content and just loves people which is truly reciprocated. My MIL is the same, just great. My step MIL however has her family 'taking care' of her, which puts a huge strain on them and interestingly she is the youngest of the three Mums.
I don't want to minimalise the family conversations but just do it. It won't be as bad as you think and just remember I'm doing it for me, OH and if you have any, children.
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Old Sep 26th 2008, 3:35 pm
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

I'm not going to go into the details of my life.

Surfice to say there was another woman for my Father, but no sportscar, just an excape from an unhappy marriage.

The phrase 'unconditional love' is reserved for fairy tales. I doubt if Ms Fritzl has 'unconditional love' for her Father.

It is a reality that if you too often bite the hand that feeds you, feeding becomes a little relished chore...

My wife and I chose to move away from our families for our 1st house, OK we are only talking 20 miles, but we have learned to cope on our own. We have brought our children up with a liitle babysitting help from the MIL and the FIL when he was still alive. But mainly we have survived on our own.

What interests me is how people have coped with the inevitable 'guilt' when the olds become ill or infirm.
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Old Sep 26th 2008, 4:01 pm
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

Originally Posted by _jon_
I'm not going to go into the details of my life.

Surfice to say there was another woman for my Father, but no sportscar, just an excape from an unhappy marriage.

The phrase 'unconditional love' is reserved for fairy tales. I doubt if Ms Fritzl has 'unconditional love' for her Father.

It is a reality that if you too often bite the hand that feeds you, feeding becomes a little relished chore...

My wife and I chose to move away from our families for our 1st house, OK we are only talking 20 miles, but we have learned to cope on our own. We have brought our children up with a liitle babysitting help from the MIL and the FIL when he was still alive. But mainly we have survived on our own.

What interests me is how people have coped with the inevitable 'guilt' when the olds become ill or infirm.
Your last question is something that I can't answer as it has not happened yet. Without sounding flippant, I guess we'll adjust but the heartbreak will be tremendous and I know it is coming but I just don't want to go there.
It shouldn't stop you though. As I said before, you are your own family now and concentrate on your own well being and future.
My Dad went to watch a football match one night and died there. My FIL died very quickly after being diagnosed with brain cancer. What I am saying is you never know, don't let fear of the unknown guide you.
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Old Sep 26th 2008, 5:02 pm
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

My dad was already dead when i came over. When my mum died suddenly I did not have any guilt. My mum used to come and stay with me for weeks/months at a time. Luckily for me, she was a number one mum, and everyone in the family loved her. It could get a little trying having her in the house while I had teenagers, so it wasn't a gravy train.

When she came over I would buy her clothes, etc., take her on vacation, and entertain her. She had a great time, and loved the US, and loved my OH's family. So NO guilt whatsoever.
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Old Sep 26th 2008, 6:10 pm
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

Originally Posted by Mallory
So NO guilt whatsoever.
nope, no guilt with me, i'd never have left if either parents were alive.
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Old Sep 28th 2008, 11:17 pm
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

Originally Posted by _jon_
I'm not going to go into the details of my life.

Surfice to say there was another woman for my Father, but no sportscar, just an excape from an unhappy marriage.

The phrase 'unconditional love' is reserved for fairy tales. I doubt if Ms Fritzl has 'unconditional love' for her Father.

It is a reality that if you too often bite the hand that feeds you, feeding becomes a little relished chore...

My wife and I chose to move away from our families for our 1st house, OK we are only talking 20 miles, but we have learned to cope on our own. We have brought our children up with a liitle babysitting help from the MIL and the FIL when he was still alive. But mainly we have survived on our own.

What interests me is how people have coped with the inevitable 'guilt' when the olds become ill or infirm.
It's very difficult. When I first left it was a lot easier. Then my mum got sick and it was terrible. We came back to visit her and she died while we were visiting. I think she knew. She waited for us. 6 months later, after returning to US, my dad got sick. Thankfully, he's now ok. We moved back to England after all this to be near my family but it's not working out and we're planning to return to US. I'm terrified! I doubt my dad will visit like he used to and the guilt is crippling. Especially the thought of taking his grandkids away. I do keep trying to tell myself that it' the best thing for my kids but I'm not 100% sure with all the economy troubles.

I understand the way you feel about your mother too. I think deep down you love her but it doesn't always feel that way. My mother was very difficult too but I'm glad I gave her a little more attention before she died.
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Old Sep 28th 2008, 11:23 pm
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

Originally Posted by MsElui
My parents are also quite elderly (hovering around 70)

Wow I wish there was a way to give you negative karma for that sentence.

Young Whippersnapper .... :curse:
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Old Sep 29th 2008, 12:26 am
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Default Re: How to deal with leaving family behind?

how else do i describe them - one is 69 and one is 71 so hovering around was the quickest way. and i said 'quite' not really, or just.
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