Xebedee

It all depends on the situation you are in doesn't it? Mothers little helper is surely a better option than wrecking little lives if you have a family to keep together.

Now, if, on the other hand its just you and the O.H., thats a different kettle of fish. Or bag of crap, as they say.

In any event, "mixed-nationality marriages" certainly aren't for those with a weak stomach.

britex01

1.... As far as I can make out the OP and her hubby don't have kids.

2.... Yeah, in my case I'm a Brit and the OH is Texan, with roots as stubborn as any roots I know off that won't yield an inch. Bloody hilarious sometimes (not)

The OP, on the other hand, is a somewhat lonely and sensitive French-Canadian married to a workaholic Yank. Now what sense does that make? ...

---

Steerpike

Her hubby is a British/Canadian, 1st paragraph, 1st post.

I'm in a mixed-race relationship; I'm from UK, she's from Asia. SF is the perfect place for us to be.

looselips

What Steerpike has said and ......seems to me you have made an awful lot of sacrifices for your husband over many years.

Do you feel your husband is appreciative of that and would he be willing to put his career aspirations aside/change to move back to Canada if you asked him to? Important questions you need to ask him. Even if you decide to stay I think you need to get honest answers from him if you are to sacrifice more of your life for his wants.

Xebedee

Don't understand workaholics' sense of values, unless they are single or their OH is also one. Work just isn't that important to me.

I'm a Brit too, my OH is a USC. She won't move to England - too afraid of the change. So here we stay and raise our family until, one fine day, we can afford a second place there.

Stubborn roots or fear of the unknown, either way you make the best of a sometimes rough situation, eh?

cindyabs

Too bad he couldn't move to Boston, that would be perfect for you.

Rushman

and you're apologising why?

snowbunny

Fear -- pure fear when there's no safety net.

Sure, some people do their jobs cos they love them, or cos they like the power they wield; but most do it to pay the bills and see another day.

Steerpike

Hey, something I'm an expert on !

I'd say I'm a workaholic. Neither proud nor ashamed of it, just 'am'. The 'why' is very complex, something I often ponder on my long commute home! When I first came here, I LOVED the fact that my work was so appreciated - esp. compared to working in UK, where my work was ignored. I found I was very good at my job, and every time I made a significant achievement, I was showered with praise, with bonuses, and eventually with promotions, with better assignments, etc; it was great. I went home every day feeling on top of the world. Money was a part of it, but not the main thing. The big motivation was the 'feedback', the 'pat on the back'. Some of us need that more than others, I guess, I need it and I found a way to get it.

The 'control' that goes with it is very attractive also - the fact that, if you do well at something, it's only logical that you get more choice in picking your next assignment. Also, there are parts of my job I hate (my career has been, programmer/analyst/manager, and later IT). I found that, by 'performing well', I got away with not doing the stuff I didn't enjoy, and got to spend more time doing the parts I enjoy.

As far as money is concerned, in the 'early days', being a workaholic did get me more money - through bonuses and raises, etc, and that was good - deposit for house, etc - but for the past 5-7 years, my salary has pretty much leveled off other than cost-of-living, and I'm ok with that. I'm still a workaholic because I want the feedback, the satisfaction, the control, etc.

There is a security element, for sure. I guess this is the 'fear' you speak of. I've survived several layoffs; I'm the last guy to get laid off. But that has not been the major motivation. But there is a related issue, and that is, when things turn sour at work, I've had a relatively easy time finding another job - former co-workers are always willing to hire me in their new companies because of the reputation I have.

Now, I'm no dummy ... but I would say that my reputation is one built on hard work and not on being a brilliant genius.

I've had 5 jobs in 24 years here, and loved every one - wake up Monday raring to go, always disappointed at the end of the day that I didn't get as much done as I had hoped, looking forward to the next day. I consider this to be a major achievement - we have to spend 8 hours a day working, so it seems good to actually enjoy it!

Has this taken a toll on my life; yes it has. Would I have handled it differently, given a choice? I don't think I'd be capable of doing so. Even though I have loved all my jobs, the jobs have often 'gone south' after mergers, and the days have become so unbearably painful at work that I could not stand it. My tolerance for a 'bad workplace' is very low, so I don't think I could personally survive without having the level of control over it that the 'workaholic' approach has given me.

I should title this 'confessions of a workaholic'

snowbunny

Not everyone is the last guy to get laid off.

My ex-husband is like you -- seemingly bulletproof, but it takes me longer to find things because I didn't put in years before I had kids (we were 25 and 37 when our first arrived) and because I left for a time because our second was premature.

He honestly has no clue what it's like to be laid off (he never has been) nor has he ever struggled to find a job. When we divorced I was really screwed (Texas is a no-alimony state) because I have been the one to sacrifice work for the kids. Now that I have a job, I'm afraid of losing it; and I'm afraid to look for anything better because I've rebuilt some tenure (though no benefits) where I am. So -- for me? fear and fear alone, because I have plenty of hobbies and people I'd rather spend time with.

Steerpike

As I approach 50, the fear is starting - I'm in a field dominated by kids and/or being outsourced to India. I quit my last job after a shitty merger made it bad, with no job to go to. I spent 6 weeks out of work - first time ever - and it was amazingly seductive! I started pursuing my hobbies, taking long walks, sitting in coffee shops, etc ... but since I didn't have enough money to survive indefinitely (thanks mostly to medical insurance premiums!), I could not relax and I found a job pretty quickly. This job is the craziest ever ... startup, frantic, big risk, huge upside, 5 employees, etc - so back into the frying pan!

But that 6 weeks planted a seed ... my new goal is to reach a point asap where I can quit for good.

Texas is a no alimony state, even with kids? He doesn't have to pay child support? The more I hear about that state, the more I dislike it (but Austin is great!). Are you the ex-pat? People complain about CA and it's taxes but it's a friggin' job machine, and has a lot of 'social' laws that I happen to believe are fair - even if they screw me personally. I was just watching a documentary last nght about Stem-Cell research; Good-Old-Bush vetoed the stem cell bill, so CA funded it's own program - only in the US!

britex01

I stand corrected. Thanks.

---

Xebedee

Strewth, you and I are chalk and cheese mate!

I've had at least 12 jobs in slightly less time than you. Mind, they have ranged from factory-fodder on minimum wage to what I do now which is pretty technical. I'd been unemployed for 9 months here and thats what made the scales start to fall away as far as work here goes.
If I am good at my job (and occasionally, I amaze myself) its because there is some base satisfaction in the type of work I do. Nothing more. Frankly the accolades of corporate types makes me more than a bit uneasy - probably due to the fact there's an indelible blue stain under the white collar.

You mention the "bad workplace" I have only had one job here so far which I would say had an enjoyable atmosphere (decent boss, bit of laughter, not overworked/underpaid) and thats the one I have now. Was starting to doubt they actually existed here.

As for layoffs, my philosophy is - fu&k it! Just go get a job at Lowes if needs be until something else shows up. Ever hear of "Neutron" Jack Welch? So named because, like the Neutron bomb, he killed all the people and left the buildings 190,000 in 2 years! When he retired, he said "You had my hands, but you never asked for my heart, which I would have freely given" or something like that.

Bon chance.

britex01

This all depends on circumstances, be they imposed or agreeable all round. I personally don't accept the former where there is little or no light at the end of the tunnel and where all is swayed in favour of 'something' into which one is being coerced without an element of control.

You are fortunate, it seems, insofar that you are on the spot and 'connected' in joint decision-making. Without this a relationship is fundamentally flawed.

----

Xebedee

You know, thats one of the things I really miss, living here. Fluid and well constructed speech.

In business, its sometimes called "Win-Win" and there is a ton of window-dressing atached to it, but basically the name of the game is compromise. Innit? Applicable to a relationship, you yield maximum results given the situation. At least thats the theory. In my professional life I know full well that there is sometimes a massive gulf between theory and practice and its how you get there that defines the results.

As I understand it, the paradox in this is that in order for there to be a "win-win" result, both parties leave the discussion table feeling like they have been gipped. Hey-hey!