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Homesick and depressed...

Homesick and depressed...

Old Jan 1st 2008, 7:48 pm
  #136  
 
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by MademoiselleMtl
My husband recently got promoted so I already know for fact that he will not move back he has worked too long and hard to get to this point. He keeps telling me to hang in a few more years...
I hope that you find a way forward in your situation where you can be happy and glad to hear that you are finding the support from BE helpful.

I wonder if the moving for love thing is a poisoned chalice. I have been here 2 years and although I have been reasonably happy I sometimes remember my old life and feel I was happier.

I asked my DH yesterday if he was happier in England or here, he said he is happier here, he was in England for seven years and loved it, but now he is 'home', he fits in, people get him, he is no longer the outsider and thats the thing, one of us always will be.

I have found lots of motivational audio books have kept me positive and I promised myself I would give this my best shot. Best wishes.
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Old Jan 1st 2008, 9:34 pm
  #137  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by fatbrit
Not even da penguin can moderate Google's cache.

I agree -- the moderation here is well overdone.
Oh I don't know...to lazy to be much more of a bigger arse than I have to be
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Old Jan 1st 2008, 9:36 pm
  #138  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by Bradford Lass
I asked my DH yesterday if he was happier in England or here, he said he is happier here, he was in England for seven years and loved it, but now he is 'home', he fits in, people get him, he is no longer the outsider and thats the thing, one of us always will be.
Perhaps one of the best things about the West Coast of the US is that 'everyone is an outsider'. No one really has the edge. Yes, there's a slight edge for the 'local American', but only slight. I mean, here in SF I can go to Chinatown and see a Chinese heritage stretching back over a hundred years. The Chinese came over to work on the railroads and the gold mines, and have been here ever since, putting down roots. There are Spanish/Mexican 'Missions' dating back to when CA was a Spanish colony - just a few hundred years ago. So it's 'American' in the obvious sense, but you don't get that feeling of being an outsider, or at least, no more an outsider than anyone else.

200 years ago, CA was a Spanish colony and there were Russian trading posts along the coast. CA wasn't even part of the US until 1850 or so (and Washington State was created in 1889). The sense of 'everyone is a visitor here' is a strong one, at least to me, and is probably one reason it's so easy to live here (assuming you like being in a multi-cultural environment of course; if you are a redneck / white supremacist, it's not quite the place to be ).

This reminds me of another thing that many Brits fail to appreciate here, and that is history. Sure, American history can be considered piss-poor compared to British history, but in fact, there's a lot of interesting stuff that has happened in the last few hundred years, and it's insightful to learn it. The great 'western migration' (the Oregon Trail, the Donner Party, etc) was a fascinating event, and one that gives you a real insight into the American psyche (at least, that of the West Coast Americans). The civil rights movement is another great 'chapter' that is important to understand, and fascinating to explore.

The bottom line is, the US is a country founded on immigration (RECENT immigration), on new arrivals, and I don't think that you have to feel that you are an outsider.
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Old Jan 1st 2008, 9:40 pm
  #139  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by Steerpike

Speaking of the politics of the place, I found a few great maps recently that show how the country voted in the last election; not just solid red / solid blue, but with shades to indicate 'how republican' or 'how democratic' the state voted. While the specific politics of a place are not necessarily important, it does tend to set a tone (I could not live in a place dominated by the religious right, for example). Here's one map I found, which I snagged and resized:
http://www.sequoiahills.com/Linked/M...re-map-800.jpg
Note that in the US, 'blue' is the color of the dems, 'red' is the color of the republicans for very strange reasons not worth going into here. Note that only California, Illinois, New York, and Mass. are solid blue. A very detailed analysis of all this can be found at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Red_states_and_blue_states including this very interesting map: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Cartlinearlarge.png which distorts the geography to account for population density (offsetting the fact that Republican areas tend to be rural, while Democratic areas tend to be urban, and thus, giving the impression that the country is more Republican than it really is).

Mass is, well to me at least, surprisingly very conservative once you've peeked under the "hippy liberal" exterior. Case in point, and this is a massive extreme I know as it's hardly a daily occurence, but a friend of a friend for a ticket for blasphemy last summer
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Old Jan 2nd 2008, 12:40 am
  #140  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by Steerpike
Your American wife tried the UK, and you tried (from what I have read in other posts) the US - Dallas, Tx, right? Did you each go to the other's "home turf"?

Did you consider a more neutral turf, one that may appeal to both? What I''m thinking is, New York, Boston, or one of the many smaller East Coast US towns and cities that are still very 'American' in many ways, but also, much closer in 'style' to the UK. I haven't traveled enough there to speak with any great authority, but I have been to NYC, Boston, Hartford CT, Portland ME, Upstate NY around Lake Placid, and I was struck by how 'European' they felt, especially after living on the west coast for so long.

Let's face it, Dallas Tx is just about the epitome of the ugly American city; I often think of Dallas as the ultimate example of how awful the US can be, a sort of LA without the good weather to soften the blow. I
Interesting what you say about Dallas. It's certainly not a place I'd like to live. Long-term, Dallas would drive me nuts!

My wife plans to leave Dallas a little later this year and return to the UK for short while. Our plans will then revolve around Tennessee (Knoxville). I will then take leave of the UK for two or three months to help assess life and other issues in that locality (also farther north). She believes TN may suit us both, more neutral turf (we'll see).

The Rep/Dem map you provided is also interesting. I'll retain it, though I'm not big on politics. Politics is politics is politics.... zzzzzz... ...



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Old Jan 2nd 2008, 1:16 am
  #141  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by britex01
Interesting what you say about Dallas. It's certainly not a place I'd like to live. Long-term, Dallas would drive me nuts!

My wife plans to leave Dallas a little later this year and return to the UK for short while. Our plans will then revolve around Tennessee (Knoxville). I will then take leave of the UK for two or three months to help assess life and other issues in that locality (also farther north). She believes TN may suit us both, more neutral turf (we'll see).

The Rep/Dem map you provided is also interesting. I'll retain it, though I'm not big on politics. Politics is politics is politics.... zzzzzz... ...
--


Dallas.......... Knoxville.......... ............ frying pan and fire come to mind...
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Old Jan 2nd 2008, 1:21 am
  #142  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by Elvira
Dallas.......... Knoxville.......... ............ frying pan and fire come to mind...
I once told him not EVERYONE there met their wives at family reunions, or drove around with their goats in the car...

j/k, noone in Tennessee get offended now.
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Old Jan 2nd 2008, 4:04 am
  #143  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by Tracym
I once told him not EVERYONE there met their wives at family reunions, or drove around with their goats in the car...

j/k, noone in Tennessee get offended now.
No worries - that's Kentucky or W. Virginia anyway, right?
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Old Jan 2nd 2008, 6:53 am
  #144  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

I've been following this discussion with great pleasure - knowing what other people are going through 1,2 or more years after arriving in the US is very helpful.

Although this is our first relocation into the US, we have both traveled in Europe, and can testify to the problems of relocating back to your 'home' country. We lived in Europe for around 4-5 years, and when we returned, it was very difficult. I didn't (and still do not) feel the UK is where I belong - I don't understand the mentality here - I've changed but most of the people haven't - at least that's my impression!

Don't under estimate the stress this can put on you when you return to the UK. I can relate to the problems of your partner being a different nationality - my wife is French and we both struggled to fit into the UK - our saving grace was we didn't (initially) move back to the place that I left - then we wouldn't have been on equal footing.
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Old Jan 2nd 2008, 1:07 pm
  #145  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by Elvira
Dallas.......... Knoxville.......... ............ frying pan and fire come to mind...


Do you mean Bible belt mentality (I understand TN is a hub), hillbilly, featureless (Knoxville) or just plain 'to be avoided at all costs because there's no culture to speak of'?

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Old Jan 2nd 2008, 1:16 pm
  #146  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by Tracym
I once told him not EVERYONE there met their wives at family reunions, or drove around with their goats in the car...

j/k, noone in Tennessee get offended now.
You did. But hey, I gotta see for myself, right? Even my OH doesn't know TN more than having set foot in the Smokies some years back when taking a short break from TX.

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Old Jan 2nd 2008, 1:23 pm
  #147  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by Bob
Mass is, well to me at least, surprisingly very conservative once you've peeked under the "hippy liberal" exterior. Case in point, and this is a massive extreme I know as it's hardly a daily occurence, but a friend of a friend for a ticket for blasphemy last summer
You want hippies go to VT.
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Old Jan 2nd 2008, 1:25 pm
  #148  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by Elvira
Honey:

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.......... do *NOT* have a child until all this is resolved!

You would be truly trapped.

Please don't even think about this...
what she said doubled..
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Old Jan 2nd 2008, 11:39 pm
  #149  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by MademoiselleMtl
Hello everyone,

Not sure where to begin so I will just jump in...I am a 32 yr old French Canadian female, born and raised in Montreal. I moved to LA 8 years ago to be with my British/Canadian husband who moved to Montreal when he was 10.

We met when I was 20 and he was 27, he was working as an engineer and I was still in University. We were together for 3 years then he got a job in Seattle and moved there.

I was still in school at the time and I did not want to leave my family
as we were very closeknit etc so I stayed home to finish school and he took thejob. We had a long distance relationship for the next 2 years, it was not easy but we talked every day and we visited each other every 2 months which made things bearable.

After being in Seatttle, he got transferred to LA. I had just finished University and we wanted to be together so so I made the move to the States for love. I knew I would miss my family as we have always been very, very close knit but I loved him so I knew I a sacrifice had to be made.

Looking back, I can only shake my head and sigh. At 24 yrs old, all I thought about was being in love. I did not really think about the fact that I would not be able to work, what I would to keep busy, the extent I would miss my family, my culture, speaking French, my country etc....

In all honesty, I will say that I did not really like living in LA from the very
start. Yes, the weather was nice but the "me, me, me mentality" was very
different then what I was used to back in Montreal. I missed speaking French, living in a metropolitan, cosmopolitan European influenced city, my family and friends, living in a city with a bustling downtown core and everything about home in general. I tried to focus on my relationship and thought that time would make things better and that has not been the case.

I kept busy with going to the gym, taking classes, going hiking and doing volunteer work. I also joined quite a few groups to meet local women and French expats so I could speak French and feel a sense of the familiar but despite my best efforts, I still felt homesick.

I was on a TN visa from the start so I could not work but my husband's company had started the greencard process so I tried to focus on that. The next year, he got laid off so the whole greencard process that had been started with that company was void. He has now been with the same company for awhile and they started the greencard process but as many of you know it is a very lengthy one. Long story short, I have been here for 7 years and I feel like I have no life!!

Besides not being able to work, there is a long list of things that I hate about living in the US. It is certainly not the land of the free is all I can say.

I hate to generalize but I find the American mentality and way of life to be a hard thing to adjust to.

People are rude! I am tired of people not holding doors open or stepping on my feet and not apologizing! Tired of mini malls, big gulps, twinkies, super sizes, people with no fashion sense, loud arrogant behaviour, religious fanatics, pro war thinking, horrible medical care, racists and the mentality that America is a super power, the best etc...

A few months ago, I was out with a few American women from a ladies group and they asked me if I wanted to be a US citizen and I replied that I was a proud Canadian and that I had no desire to be American. I then asked them if they would like to be Canadian and all 3 laughed hysterically and said "Why would anyone want to be Canadian? We live in the best country in the world!"

One of many incidents...

It is funny that it took me moving away from Canada to truly appreciate it. Yes, every place has it's faults but home is home and having family you can count on is priceless.

Since I first moved here 7 years ago, I have made it a point to go home to visit on a regular basis. That used to be enough to keep my depression at a minimum but now when I go back home, I truly dread climbing back onto the plane to come back here!

As for my husband, we have been together a long time and westill love each other very much but the reality is I want to go home and he wants to stay here because of work. I am tired of compromising and I am tried of being miserable but I am saddened at the thought of not being with someone that I love.

Long story short, I feel like I made a mess of my life, I am 32, no career, terribly homesick, no close friends and life feels depressing beyond belief! If I stay, I see myself getting more and more unhappy and if I go home, it would be very bittersweet.


A response from those who understand or relate to this would be appreciated!
hello mllemtl, my heart goes out to you, as it does to benjipie, who "has problems adjusting". even though i'm american, i've traveled a lot and know what you're talking about. and i LOVED montreal, and can understand why you'd be homesick! Is it possible for you to try out living as close to a large, "international" university as possible (I'm thinking UCLA or USC here, although I've never visited them, or really ever even been in LA before)--there are most certainly French clubs there, with wise, witty, wonderful people that are bursting with energy and enthusiam, etc. I'm sure they wouldn't mind people from the outside community joining in! I know they welcomed "outsiders" with open arms at mine! Anyway, the advice I could offer benjipie would be the same for you:

"honey, you know what? i'm very sorry to say that it might be less of a problem of "adjusting" (from the UK) as it is the nightmare-that's-really-real that is american suburbia. Those pre-fab houses, strip malls and driving everywhere? They drive the Americans crazy too! EVERYONE's depressed and on prozac! I remember as a kid (yeah, I'm american) finally realizing one day what all those "happy face" pills the kids took at lunchtime were. Everyone has a therapist if they can afford it, or even if they can't. But a therapist can't magically transform the suburban wasteland into a fairytale magical kingdom, or even something simply more liveable. People that can't take it will move to a big city or like, an ashram or something if they can at all. There you'll find like-minded souls. Decent-sized university towns are a good bet, as they usually have nice architecture and grounds, lots multi-culti happenings and restaurants and stores and cafes which you can all walk to, intelligent, interesting people--students, professors, those drawn to the area, and even tuvan throat singers from inner mongolia giving performances on the weekends, even if the university is smack-dab in the middle of nowhere. "
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Old Jan 3rd 2008, 12:32 am
  #150  
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Default Re: Homesick and depressed...

Originally Posted by cindyabs
You want hippies go to VT.
scurge of society...burn them all
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