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-   -   Homesick and depressed... (https://britishexpats.com/forum/usa-57/homesick-depressed-501976/)

MademoiselleMtl Dec 28th 2007 2:27 am

Homesick and depressed...
 
Hello everyone,

Not sure where to begin so I will just jump in...I am a 32 yr old French Canadian female, born and raised in Montreal. I moved to LA 8 years ago to be with my British/Canadian husband who moved to Montreal when he was 10.

We met when I was 20 and he was 27, he was working as an engineer and I was still in University. We were together for 3 years then he got a job in Seattle and moved there.

I was still in school at the time and I did not want to leave my family
as we were very closeknit etc so I stayed home to finish school and he took thejob. We had a long distance relationship for the next 2 years, it was not easy but we talked every day and we visited each other every 2 months which made things bearable.

After being in Seatttle, he got transferred to LA. I had just finished University and we wanted to be together so so I made the move to the States for love. I knew I would miss my family as we have always been very, very close knit but I loved him so I knew I a sacrifice had to be made.

Looking back, I can only shake my head and sigh. At 24 yrs old, all I thought about was being in love. I did not really think about the fact that I would not be able to work, what I would to keep busy, the extent I would miss my family, my culture, speaking French, my country etc....

In all honesty, I will say that I did not really like living in LA from the very
start. Yes, the weather was nice but the "me, me, me mentality" was very
different then what I was used to back in Montreal. I missed speaking French, living in a metropolitan, cosmopolitan European influenced city, my family and friends, living in a city with a bustling downtown core and everything about home in general. I tried to focus on my relationship and thought that time would make things better and that has not been the case.

I kept busy with going to the gym, taking classes, going hiking and doing volunteer work. I also joined quite a few groups to meet local women and French expats so I could speak French and feel a sense of the familiar but despite my best efforts, I still felt homesick.

I was on a TN visa from the start so I could not work but my husband's company had started the greencard process so I tried to focus on that. The next year, he got laid off so the whole greencard process that had been started with that company was void. He has now been with the same company for awhile and they started the greencard process but as many of you know it is a very lengthy one. Long story short, I have been here for 7 years and I feel like I have no life!!

Besides not being able to work, there is a long list of things that I hate about living in the US. It is certainly not the land of the free is all I can say.

I hate to generalize but I find the American mentality and way of life to be a hard thing to adjust to.

People are rude! I am tired of people not holding doors open or stepping on my feet and not apologizing! Tired of mini malls, big gulps, twinkies, super sizes, people with no fashion sense, loud arrogant behaviour, religious fanatics, pro war thinking, horrible medical care, racists and the mentality that America is a super power, the best etc...

A few months ago, I was out with a few American women from a ladies group and they asked me if I wanted to be a US citizen and I replied that I was a proud Canadian and that I had no desire to be American. I then asked them if they would like to be Canadian and all 3 laughed hysterically and said "Why would anyone want to be Canadian? We live in the best country in the world!"

One of many incidents...

It is funny that it took me moving away from Canada to truly appreciate it. Yes, every place has it's faults but home is home and having family you can count on is priceless.

Since I first moved here 7 years ago, I have made it a point to go home to visit on a regular basis. That used to be enough to keep my depression at a minimum but now when I go back home, I truly dread climbing back onto the plane to come back here!

As for my husband, we have been together a long time and westill love each other very much but the reality is I want to go home and he wants to stay here because of work. I am tired of compromising and I am tried of being miserable but I am saddened at the thought of not being with someone that I love.

Long story short, I feel like I made a mess of my life, I am 32, no career, terribly homesick, no close friends and life feels depressing beyond belief! If I stay, I see myself getting more and more unhappy and if I go home, it would be very bittersweet.


A response from those who understand or relate to this would be appreciated!

Thydney Dec 28th 2007 2:37 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 

Originally Posted by MademoiselleMtl (Post 5710791)
Hello everyone,

Not sure where to begin so I will just jump in...I am a 32 yr old French Canadian female, born and raised in Montreal. I moved to LA 8 years ago to be with my British/Canadian husband who moved to Montreal when he was 10.

We met when I was 20 and he was 27, he was working as an engineer and I was still in University. We were together for 3 years then he got a job in Seattle and moved there.

I was still in school at the time and I did not want to leave my family
as we were very closeknit etc so I stayed home to finish school and he took thejob. We had a long distance relationship for the next 2 years, it was not easy but we talked every day and we visited each other every 2 months.

After being in Seatttle, he got transferred to LA. I had just finished University and we wanted to be together so so I made the move to the States for love. I knew I would miss my family as we have always been very, very close knit but I loved him and wanted to be together so I knew I a sacrifice had to be made.

Looking back, I can only shake my head and sigh. At 24 yrs old, all I thought about was being in love. I did not really think about the fact that I would not be able to work, what I would to keep busy, the extent I would miss my family, my culture, speaking French, my country etc....

In all honesty, I will say that I did not really like living in LA from the very
start. Yes, the weather was nice but the "me, me, me mentality" was very
different then what I was used to back in Montreal. I missed speaking French, living in a metropolitan, cosmopolitan European influenced city, my family and friends, living in a city with a bustling downtown core and everything about home in general. I tried to focus on my relationship and thought that time would make things better and that has not been the case.

I kept busy with going to the gym, taking classes, going hiking and doing volunteer work. I also joined quite a few groups to meet local women and French expats so I could speak French and feel a sense of the familiar but despite my best efforts, I still felt homesick.

I was on a TN visa from the start so I could not work but my husband's company had started the greencard process so I tried to focus on that. The next year, he got laid off so the whole greencard process that had been started with that company was void. He has now been with the same company for awhile and they started the greencard process but as many of you know it is a very lengthy one. Long story short, I have been here for 7 years and I feel like I have no life!!

Besides not being able to work, there is a long list of things that I hate about living in the US. It is certainly not the land of the free is all I can say.

I hate to generalize but I find the American mentality and way of life to be a hard thing to adjust to. People are rude! I am tired of people not holding doors open or stepping on my feet and not apologizing! Tired of mini malls, big gulps, twinkies, super sizes, people with no fashion sense, loud arrogant behaviour, religious fanatics, pro war, horrible medical care, racists and people thinking America is the best!

A few months ago, I was out with a few American women from a ladies group and they asked me if I wanted to be a US citizen and I replied that I was a proud Canadian and had no desire to be American. I then asked them if they would like to be Canadian and all 3 laughed hysterically and said "Why would anyone want to be Canadian? We live in the best country in the world!"

It is funny that it took me moving away from Canada to truly appreciate it. Yes, every place has it's faults but home is home.

Since I first moved here 7 years ago, I have made it a point to go home to visit on a regular basis. That used to be enough to keep my depression at a minimum but now when I go back home, I truly dread climbing back onto the plane to come back here!

As for my husband, we have been together a long time and still love each other very much but the reality is I want to go home and he wants to stay here because work is better for him. I am tired of compromising and I am tried of being miserable but I am saddened at the thought of not being with someone I love.

Long story short, I feel like I made a mess of my life, I am 32, no career, terribly homesick, no close friends and life feels depressing beyond belief! If I stay, I see myself getting more and more unhappy and going home will be very bittersweet.


A response from those who understand and can relate to this would be appreciated!

I think you find many here who feel the same as you it's very common. Stick around I'm sure you'll make cyber friends here, if you don't mind the french jokes that is.

Elvira Dec 28th 2007 2:57 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 

Originally Posted by MademoiselleMtl (Post 5710791)
Hello everyone,.......A response from those who understand or relate to this would be appreciated!

I think I understand.

I am in a similar situation - though luckily I do work. The only thing that is keeping me here is my (almost grown) children. I am seriously considering returning to London once they leave home. I'd rather have a long-distance relationship with my husband than continue to live as I do now for another 10-15 years.

If I were in your shoes, I would return to Canada, work on building a career, and visit your husband - or have him visit you - as often as you can. In time you will realise whether your relationship with him is worth the sacrifice of living in a place where you do not want to be. Or maybe, once you both have your green cards and he is no longer tied to his current employer, he can take a job closer to the Canadian border, or somewhere else in the US where you might feel more at home?

The point about building your career is really important, in my view. It is unhealthy - and potentially risky - for a woman to be entirely dependent on a man.

Wishing you all the best, whatever you decide.

Redlippie Dec 28th 2007 3:09 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 
Oh honey. I know exactly how you feel. It took 8 years for my GC to come through and I couldn't work, was suicidal, literally suicidal for a while there......it nearly did me in. What saved me was homeschooling my 3 kids, if I didn't have that, I'd have gone nuts.

Elvira gave you some very sound advice, and there is no way I can add anything more to it, other than say that you're very welcome to come and vent in here. This place has been a lifesaver in the mental department for me the last 4 years that I've been here.

Hugs.

Rushman Dec 28th 2007 3:18 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 
Before we give you anymore of our hard earned advice....what percentage of you is "French"?

MademoiselleMtl Dec 28th 2007 3:21 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 
Thank you all for your kind words. Both my parents are French but I am perfectly bilingual as most are in Quebec.

Ray Dec 28th 2007 3:22 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 
A canadian whinger ...make a change from British and Portugese
whingers ...

Welcome ...

Kaffy Mintcake Dec 28th 2007 3:22 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 
I'm so sorry you're feeling so sad. I would struggle to live in LA myself as an American, as where I live people do hold the doors for one another, etc ... so in the long-term, if you stay in the US - another area may suit you better.

Sounds like it's time for a heart to heart with your husband. Like the others, I wish you only the best.

If you're needing a good laugh sometime, send me a private message and I'll do my best to reply in French. It's been several years so you may at least get a chuckle out of it. :)

Elvira Dec 28th 2007 3:22 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 

Originally Posted by Rushman (Post 5710923)
Before we give you anymore of our hard earned advice....what percentage of you is "French"?

Oh FFS Rushie :p you know the French don;t have a sense of humour, so why would you want to stir up la merde... :lol:

Redlippie Dec 28th 2007 3:24 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 

Originally Posted by Ray (Post 5710939)
A canadian whinger ...make a change from British and Portugese
whingers ...

Welcome ...

Wanker.

Ray Dec 28th 2007 3:24 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 

Originally Posted by Rushman (Post 5710923)
Before we give you anymore of our hard earned advice....what percentage of you is "French"?

Most likely her torso and one foot ...

Ray Dec 28th 2007 3:25 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 

Originally Posted by Redlippie (Post 5710954)
Wanker.

Thats Mr too you.......

Redlippie Dec 28th 2007 3:26 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 
A Year in the Merde was a most excellent book. I highly recommend it.

Rushman Dec 28th 2007 3:28 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 

Originally Posted by Elvira (Post 5710943)
Oh FFS Rushie :p you know the French don;t have a sense of humour, so why would you want to stir up la merde... :lol:

Dont you dare "FFS" me missus.

Elvira Dec 28th 2007 3:29 am

Re: Homesick and depressed...
 

Originally Posted by Rushman (Post 5710970)
Dont you dare "FFS" me missus.

What would you rather have me do, Sweetheart? :)


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