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Helpful Advice Needed

Helpful Advice Needed

Old May 13th 2011, 12:31 am
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Default Helpful Advice Needed

DH will be arriving in the US in 4 weeks. I've been here since late February. I thought you could offer some helpful tips on what I can do to make the transition easier for him.
I confess I've had a terrible time adjusting myself. After 3 years away I was looking forward to returning to the US, living near friends & family again, but it's been a big disappointment for me and I'm not settling very well yet. I need to snap out of it before he gets here.

I'll do my best to learn to cook a vindaloo for him. And we've got plenty of footy on tv here (more than we did in England without Sky). He's very keen about the move so that's a big plus. I just wondered if there was something you wish your spouse/partner had done or not done that would've made things easier/happier/better for you.
Thank you!!!
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Old May 13th 2011, 12:55 am
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Default Re: Helpful Advice Needed

Originally Posted by Deeks View Post
DH will be arriving in the US in 4 weeks. I've been here since late February. I thought you could offer some helpful tips on what I can do to make the transition easier for him.
I confess I've had a terrible time adjusting myself. After 3 years away I was looking forward to returning to the US, living near friends & family again, but it's been a big disappointment for me and I'm not settling very well yet. I need to snap out of it before he gets here.

I'll do my best to learn to cook a vindaloo for him. And we've got plenty of footy on tv here (more than we did in England without Sky). He's very keen about the move so that's a big plus. I just wondered if there was something you wish your spouse/partner had done or not done that would've made things easier/happier/better for you.
Thank you!!!
There were 3 things that help me. 1. An understanding husband and daughter. 2. My husband assured me that I just had to say the word and we would be on the next plane home. Knowing that I had that 'get out clause' helped me no end. 3. St John's Wort was my best friend.

Things like downloading UK TV programs, UK chocs and other goodies, the internet and BE...would have made my life much easier back in 1996. Thankfully I have them now.
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Old May 13th 2011, 1:03 am
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Default Re: Helpful Advice Needed

Yeah, sign up to UKNova, perhaps get a UK based VPN, but expat shield will work for the occasional use.

Decent yorkie puds for the odd roast might hit the spot

But what ever works will be different for different people, so why not just ask the bloke?
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Old May 13th 2011, 1:19 am
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Default Re: Helpful Advice Needed

Yorkshire puddings... I'd better start practicing making those, I've not seen bags of frozen ones here like at Sainsburys.

A "get out clause"... I'm all in favor of that because I might be the one begging to go back.

I will ask the bloke. :-) I just wonder if he won't quite know himself what it is that he's wanting or needing. Culture shock and all that.
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Old May 13th 2011, 1:24 am
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Default Re: Helpful Advice Needed

Originally Posted by Deeks View Post
Yorkshire puddings... I'd better start practicing making those, I've not seen bags of frozen ones here like at Sainsburys.

A "get out clause"... I'm all in favor of that because I might be the one begging to go back.

I will ask the bloke. :-) I just wonder if he won't quite know himself what it is that he's wanting or needing. Culture shock and all that.
I find it helps to keep telling yourself it's not better or worse here...just different.
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Old May 13th 2011, 1:26 am
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Default Re: Helpful Advice Needed

culture shock is very hard to manage...especially for me
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Old May 13th 2011, 1:27 am
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Default Re: Helpful Advice Needed

Originally Posted by Deeks View Post
Yorkshire puddings... I'd better start practicing making those, I've not seen bags of frozen ones here like at Sainsburys.

A "get out clause"... I'm all in favor of that because I might be the one begging to go back.

I will ask the bloke. :-) I just wonder if he won't quite know himself what it is that he's wanting or needing. Culture shock and all that.
Ahhh, reverse culture shock. Yes I had that too and then some. It has got better, however I still miss the UK (7 years later) and it doesn't help that my older daughter stayed and started a family. Just had a conversation with my husband (the Brit) today on how I would consider going back, so I could be nearer to my older daughter and her family.....he was sympathetic, but not keen on the idea of going back.

I hope your guy can settle in and find a job he's happy with. And a life that suits him over here, it seems to make the difference.
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Old May 13th 2011, 8:05 am
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Default Re: Helpful Advice Needed

Originally Posted by Deeks View Post
I just wondered if there was something you wish your spouse/partner had done or not done that would've made things easier/happier/better for you.
Case of cold beer ready. Done!

Originally Posted by Deeks View Post
Yorkshire puddings... I'd better start practicing making those, I've not seen bags of frozen ones here like at Sainsburys.
Ah, they're easy! I use an 80ml scoop:
- Preheat oven to 200c/400f, baking tray for small muffins with oil in each cake hole (um, that doesn't sound right)
- Scoop of plain flour (not self raising!)
- One medium egg, mix the flour and egg together
- Add scoop of full fat milk (better results than 2%/1% milk)
- Add scoop of water
- Add salt/pepper/herbs
- Mix well (hand blender makes it easy)
- Oil should now be hot, pour small amount in each.
- Ready in about half an hour. Try not to open the oven during this time, and make sure they're nice and brown on top, otherwise they might still be soggy underneath. I usually double up the above ingredients to get a few extra, then freeze them, which only take a few minutes to reheat from frozen in the oven. Better than Aunt Bessie!
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Old May 13th 2011, 6:44 pm
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Default Re: Helpful Advice Needed

Originally Posted by AmerLisa View Post
Ahhh, reverse culture shock. Yes I had that too and then some. It has got better, however I still miss the UK (7 years later) and it doesn't help that my older daughter stayed and started a family. Just had a conversation with my husband (the Brit) today on how I would consider going back, so I could be nearer to my older daughter and her family.....he was sympathetic, but not keen on the idea of going back.

I hope your guy can settle in and find a job he's happy with. And a life that suits him over here, it seems to make the difference.
Thank you AmerLisa. I've asked if I'm miserable after 2 years can we go back? Husband can't see that happening but he'll consider it when the time comes.
And thank you Geoff for the recipe. I'll give it a try.

When I moved to the UK I had to learn a lot of things by the "sink or swim" method. I wish my husband had looked into driving lessons and car insurance and library locations and things like that, but maybe "sink or swim" was a better way.

Last edited by Deeks; May 13th 2011 at 6:51 pm.
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Old May 13th 2011, 7:17 pm
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Default Re: Helpful Advice Needed

Originally Posted by Deeks View Post

When I moved to the UK I had to learn a lot of things by the "sink or swim" method. I wish my husband had looked into driving lessons and car insurance and library locations and things like that, but maybe "sink or swim" was a better way.
Have a think about what your husband did (or didn't!) do for you which made a difference in your transition from the US to the UK, and see if you can replicate the good things he did and avoid the bad. (It might be a pointless exercise since the things that you would need might be polar opposite to what he needs but it's worth a thought.)

When I moved from the UK to sunny California, my husband really did nothing to ease the transition but we were newly engaged and January in Santa Cruz was really not even comparable to January in London so I was excited about the change.

However when we took an expat assignment to China (complete with toddler), I was dreading it and really didn't want to go. Husband went out to China a couple of weeks before me and the peanut and, bless him, he tried really hard to make it easier for us.
He had the phone and internet in our apartment all set up; he figured out how to use the washing machine (no mean feat since the instructions on the dial were in Chinese and none of the staff in our apartment block had ever used a washing machine); he went to WuMart (yes, really Wumart, complete with blue and white logo) and made sure we had toilet paper, milk, beer, sheets for the beds etc; plus he knew how to order take out pizza over the phone without speaking Mandarin. When I spotted that he had bought a toilet brush, it really dawned on me how hard he was trying.

So have a think about what is important to your husband (and kid?) and see if you can organise those things for him. It sounds like you've figured out some footie and a good cuzza and maybe that's all he'll need, plus sleeping next to his wife at night.

good luck
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Old May 13th 2011, 7:32 pm
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Default Re: Helpful Advice Needed

My husband wanted to move to the US and was interested in all the setting up things we did (we arrived together). I kept reading complaints on this site and I'd ask him if he was pining for this thing or that, but he genuinely likes it here, loves his work and the people he intereacts with, the weather, everything.
I finally quit asking him. He just doesn't have the problems I read about on this site.

Maybe your husband will just decide to like it.

PS: I had the reverse culture shock too. Things changed a lot while I was away.
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Old May 13th 2011, 10:22 pm
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Default Re: Helpful Advice Needed

Originally Posted by Deeks View Post
Thank you AmerLisa. I've asked if I'm miserable after 2 years can we go back? Husband can't see that happening but he'll consider it when the time comes.
And thank you Geoff for the recipe. I'll give it a try.

When I moved to the UK I had to learn a lot of things by the "sink or swim" method. I wish my husband had looked into driving lessons and car insurance and library locations and things like that, but maybe "sink or swim" was a better way.
I did the same.... What doesn't kill us can only make us stronger... I wanted to pad the way for my husband as well, however he took the reins and did just fine. Don't underestimate your guy, I bet he will do just fine as well.
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Old May 13th 2011, 10:37 pm
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My husband isn't British, but I found it interesting that when we were in Turkey, before coming to the USA (he'd never been to the USA before), he was interested in American movies, American music, wanted to try "American" food, and had fun learning some English phrases.

But when he arrived in the USA, all he wanted to do was watch all my Persian and Turkish movies, listen to all my Persian and Turkish music, and eat Persian food. He did this for about a month or two straight and I left him alone about it. Gradually he started taking interest again in American things. Later on, I asked him about that time, and he explained that he suddenly felt extremely overwhelmed with culture shock, his head hurt from hearing English on TV all the time, he felt stupid out in public with everyone speaking English that he couldn't understand...so he clung to whatever I had in the house that put him in his comfort zone until he felt ready to step out of it.

I'm SO glad I had all those things available to him, to make him feel more comfortable in his first weeks in the USA.

Rene
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