help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

I came to USA by K1 visa, but only after living with my husband for 3 months, and actually married to him for only 2 months, I feel very disappointed to our marriage and trying to get a divorce. We have been known each other for over 4 years, and fell in love 3 years ago. I never imagined that the love will die so fast. It's really painful. I know I can't get green card if we divorce, but in current situation, I don't care about it. I will go back to my home country as soon as it's over. The question is can I get any spousal support? I need some financail amends before I find a job and make a living by myself. Any suggestions and informations are welcome and appreciate.

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

Hi:

I am sorry to hear about the breakup of your marriage. However, as is normal in such situations, you are not in the best of emotional states to make such far reaching dcisions that will have lifetime effects.

You MUST get professional advice before doing anything.

On the immigration front -- do NOT assume you can't get a green card. That is not true in your case based upon the facts as you state them. There may be more than one way to get green card.

On the spousal support, that depends upon state law -- contact a family law attorney.

Although you may not fit within the definition of batterwed woman, battered women shelters will be an excellent source of referrals to people who can help you.

Good luck.

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

Nana,
Marriage is hard, however, before you finally divorce, why not try to rescue your marriage. Your disappointment might be due to the culture change, or some other stuff. 3 Years of love is not trivial. Please consider it carefully before the final decision.

I was married for 2 months, for the first 1 month, I was kind of uncomfortable too because it is the first time that I live in a 2 persons' world. It is getting much better now, as I can feel the calm warmth and realize that might be the way of life.

Just wish you all the best.

Best,
JBJ

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

Thank you very much, dear Folinskyinla and JBJ. It's very frustrated that one feels everything is beyond of her power. I tried hard to communicate with him, that I need his respect. Even though I have no job now but I'm educated and used to be a career woman (kind of successful one I may say) for a long time. I gave up everything to be with him, all my friends and relatives thought I was crazy to do so, but I think love is the most important thing in the world, and all I want is to live with him happily and forever. How silly I was! He never discusses any decision with me. Since he has two daughers with his ex-wife, he had to pay a lot of money for their schools, and all three's life expenses. You can't believe that the money he gave to them every month is more than our monthly expenses, and then there's nothing left in the bank account. Say, he is not rich, and I'm not married for money, and I never complained about it. But He never bothers to even ask me before he made any decision. Even after I asked him to do so, and told him this is not acceptable. He never changed. I was acknowleged that he sold the stocks for a daughter's collegue fees when the bank sent us the check! Why it's so hard to think of other half's feeling? He doesn't talk to me when he's back, because he is tired of working. Once a week, he will intently talk to me, and I know it implies sex of that night. The next day, he is another person totally. Ladies, you can not know a person really before marriage. All promises he made before I married to him is not true. He said he would add my name to all his property, but now he does nothing. When I asked him, there was just silence. What can I do more to save my marriage?
Here in my state, I don't know how to find a family lawyer, and all I have is $2000 I brought with me. I don't want to be greedy, all I want is fairness.

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

dear nana,

i am sorry to hear your story and i know it is harder since you are alone in that new country.

i cant advice something about the law or anything... but please take a moment in silence, pray and ask God's guidance.

be strong, nana

anggraeni

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

Nana:

Your lonliness and distress is coming through quite clearly in your post. You are not alone if you will seek out help. I want to repeat -- contact a battered womens shelter and inquire about referrals to no- or low-cost assistance. You can ask even if you are not a physically battered spouse.

Others have offered you solace in God -- you may want to contact a church to see if the pastor can give you referrals to help.

For your own sake, can you promise me that you will seek some assistance, for your own sake?

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

FWIW, I found myself in a situation much like yours after a few months of marriage and sought advice on a divorce in the third month. We just celebrated our fourth anniversary two weeks ago and although our marriage is far from rosy as I've seen others post here, it is a marriage and although lopsided sometimes in the area of give and take, it is still a marriage.

Courtship is a time of discovery but I've found that true discovery only happens after you are living together, day in and day out. It is in facing and dealing with the difficulties that arise that can make or break the marriage. What is said during courtship I've found in my experience is the verbalization of dreams. However, when faced with daily life, those dreams are shattered because life interfers so harshly. Add to that the fact that your husband has children from a former union.

I hear your annoyance at the fact that he gives so much financially to the care of this child. But place yourself in the position of being an ex-wife raising children. Would you not expect the father to contribute financially to their support and education? Is it not the children's right to expect their father to provide much the same financial assistance he would have had he remained married to their mother? You courted for several years so you must have known the financial situation before your marriage and if you didn't, then you share some of the blame in not finding out before you took your vows.

Perhaps you don't need to separate yourself from your husband but from the situation. In that I mean get yourself out into the work force. Start bringing in a paycheck that will help ease some of the financial burden from his shoulders for two families. It will give you a sense of accomplishment and purpose.

Don't get on him about adding your name to his assets. Frankly, after four years of marriage, my name is still not on the deed to my husband's condo nor has my name been added to his pension papers. Does it hurt? Of course it does but that is his way and I won't go into explanations at this time.

I'm sure he senses your dissatisfaction with your life and your marriage. And I'm just as sure that he feels that he is failing in providing for you as he wanted to and told you he would when you were courting.

Take it slowly and if you want things to change, change yourself first and then perhaps when he sees that you are supportive of him and willing to work on this marriage, he might be more receptive to talking and changing himself.

Rete

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

This is going off topic, but Rete, that is one of the most profound statements I've read on the subject. I hope my new marriage will be as successful as yours when I'm four years down the road.

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

Hi

Well, your not alone on this one toots.

Some of you may remember me. I got my K1 visa last August....2001. Married in
September of last year. We came back to the UK to live, with my parents, until
we sorted ourselves out. (plans altered from our original plans for me to live
in the US, hence the initial K1).

Oh dear! What a mess it all turned out to be.....I went back to work....Mark
refused to look for a job......to cut a very long and sad story short....he
walked out on me in February of this year after a few months of marriage and
returned to the States.

I've not heard a word from him since, and have no idea how to contact him.

So, like you....all the promises, the lies etc came to light after our
marriage. Had I known he was telling me so many lies and fabricating how our
life was going to be I would never have agreed to marry him in the first place.


In the States we lived with his parents. I was left alone in the house for over
12 hours a day.....no car, no money, no friends. I was told not to use the
phone as they didn't want me *running up* a phone bill. We were living in the
basement....it was awful. I gave up everything to be with Mark.....I did it
willingly for the man I loved. I'd just graduated from University etc...gave up
a very promising career, but I thought our lives together would be so
wonderful. How wrong I was. He wouldn't even put me on his car insurance. He
didn't even arrange for medical care for me prior to our marriage.

I left so much behind for him here in the UK. Love sometimes isn't enough is
it?

I've just celebrated my 25th birthday, I was so very naive, but I had no reason
to doubt his word.....(Mark by the way is 12 years older than me....and this
was his first marriage to).

So now I'm at home in the UK with my parents and I've got to somehow sort this
mess out. As far as Mark is concerned I could be living in poverty on the
streets. Thankfully that's never going to happen.

You have my sympathies...I know exactly how you feel.

I wish you well :o)

Rebekah

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

Rete said a mounthful...courtship and marriage are two different animals. You can't really know someone until you live with them for a while. The US, like in any other country, has good men and not-so-good men. How can you tell? Regretably, you can't until it is too late. You get a winner or loser.

On the flip-side, US men get 'taken' as an avenue to a green card. International relationships are very risky. You usually don't get to live together for a year before getting hitched. But, a winner is a big win and a loser is a tremendous hardship on the foreign spouse.

Personally, and something I highly recommend, is to spend as much 'domestic' time as possible before committing to a marriage. During visits, spend time together just living from day to day; not in tourist mode. No, it's not quite the same, but make it as close as possible.

I don't have any good advise for the original poster that adds to what florenskia (?) has already said. If the marriage doesn't work, bail out with whatever you can you can salvage. You first duty is to take care of yourself. And, don't give up on seeking assistance from the local bar (lawyer) association. In most states, the attorney will provide services to you and collect the fee from your husband.

-Don H

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

on the flip-side of flip-side....

[disclaimer - this isn't meant in any way antagonistically, just a point i felt i wanted to make because this issue comes up a lot. it doesn't mean i disagree with much of what's been said in this thread, or that i'm having a go at what is arguably a valid point. but...]

I hear this argument about how desperate people are to get to America to get a green card etc a lot. It's often assumed that it's what everyone must automatically want and that the alien fiancé ought to be eternally grateful for a green card, citizenship etc. I don't doubt that's some people's intention. But I just wanted to speak up for the rest of us.

I've never had any burning desire to get to America. My only reason for wanting to be there is because that's where my fiancé is. He was prepared to move here but on talking it over we realised that because I live in a small ex-pit village, if he came here we would have to move somewhere new anyway for work reasons. Which would mean we'd both be starting out some place where we knew no one. The advantage of being in America is simply that we will be in a town where we already both have friends, he has a job - and thankfully so do I when I get there.

I know we have to be investigated. I'm sure my fiancé would have had to jump through hoops to come here, just as I'm having to do that to go there. But sometimes it feels like it's always assumed everybody wants to go there for some kind of benefit.

Me, I think the UK National Health Service is great. I'm happy with the schools. I know where I am and what I'm doing. In terms of benefits to myself - my fiancé aside - I feel like I'm giving up much more than I'm gaining.

The flip-flip-flip-side of all that is of course that making a home with my fiancé and daughters makes everything worthwhile. Don't think that I'm complaining. I'm just saying, being in America really isn't the be-all and end-all for a lot of people.

Hoping I haven't offended anyone. It's just my point of view.

Regards
-=-
Scarlett

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

and just to reiterate - that really wasn't a go at the previous poster, don, who i don't disagree with at all. it was just my two-penn'orth on the 'dying to get to america' issue - off topic probably

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

Nana-

Marriage is based on, among many important things, love, partnership and mutual respect. I can understand your husband's important obligations to support his exwife and children. However, he is not discussing any of his family-related decisions with you, and you are supposed to be his partner in life. There is the big aspect of the 'we' in marriage he seems oblivious to. This man does not respect you. And even worse, he is not willing to talk to you. Why stay with someone who does not love and respect you enough to let you in? The whole point of marriage is to share your lives, is it not? Please take Folinskyinla's advice and get help. You don't have endure this type of treatment.

Juliet

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

Dear Nana,

I am truly sorry to hear about your situation.
I've had similar moments in my marriage, but I have fought hard to
make it work.

As your marriage is still very young, it might be worth trying to
establish new "routines" - change little things in your day. Send him
an email at work every now and then, just relying part of your day, or
sending him a note that you miss him. Establish a one-night per week
you-and-me-only date. Make plans (movies, eating out), and give him a
choice between plan a and plan b. Don't give him a choice of whether
or not to take you out though!

On the other hand, try to build your own life right from the start.
Get a job, get another degree if necessary to get your career back on
track. Don't start losing your own identity over your marriage. If you
are used to being out in the working world, used to having the support
from work colleagues, used to having your own money, it's the hardest
thing in the world to sit at home and wait for your husband to come
home. I for one simply cannot do it. After 6 months of living in a
rural area, without work permit (at the time), and no money, I knew I
had to get myself a job, or go back to school.

I started building a new network of friends, I got the attention I was
used to from work colleagues, and my sense of self-esteem was put back
onto a more solid basis. You will not be dependent on your husband's
respect anymore, and mine reacted in a very positive way - I suddenly
was not available to him at any and all times, so he started to
appreciate the time we spent together much more. It did wonders for my
self-esteem too!

So my advice is: work on your marriage, but make sure you become
independent and follow your own dreams. Have your own job, your own
bank account, and make little "dates" to spend quality time together.
Your life will be much fuller, and you will have interesting stories
to exchange about your work day, rather than you waiting for him to
come home.

As far as decisions are concerned? Make your own. Have your own bank
account. Go to school if you feel like it, and get a side job to
support yourself.
Don't feel silly - you might be able to live with him happily, if you
make sure that you don't put yourself into a situation where your
whole being is completely dependent upon him.

As for his daughters and ex-wife, it is a situation you'll possibly
have to learn to live with. In my book, it shows good moral character
if the father is taking care of his children even after a divorce. Of
course, it impacts your household income but you can contribute to
that, even if it's getting a small side job to treat yourself every
now and then.

Don't give up hope quite yet (unless he is physically or verbally
abusing you, in which case you should find refuge outside his house) -
you can change and set patterns so much more easily in the beginning
of a marriage than later.

Good luck!
Des

Re: help! a failed marriage and a broken heart
 

    >> Originally Rete posted, in part:
    >> Courtship is a time of discovery but I've found that true discovery
    >> only happens after you are living together, day in and day out. It is
    >> in facing and dealing with the difficulties that arise that can make
    >> or break the marriage. What is said during courtship I've found in my
    >> experience is the verbalization of dreams. However, when faced with
    >> daily life, those dreams are shattered because life interfers so
    >> harshly.
    > This is going off topic, but Rete, that is one of the most profound
    > statements I've read on the subject. I hope my new marriage will be as
    > successful as yours when I'm four years down the road.

I had an old navy buddy who put it like this, "You don't really know
somebody 'til you've seen their dirty underwear."

Bob