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Gettinn near HURRICANE Season

Gettinn near HURRICANE Season

Old May 15th 2005, 1:33 pm
  #1  
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Default Gettinn near HURRICANE Season

We are getting near HURRICANE Season..starting the Ist of June ..Time for the Annual hurricane advice:

Florida Hurricane Season

We are about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you are new to the area, you are probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we will be hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We will start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well built
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you will have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I am covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy, which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and - if it is a major hurricane - all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they are cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters:
The advantages are that they are very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house... The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows:
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the sales man says so. He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing" Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you do not have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "State of Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.
Therefore, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you do not evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights - At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I do not know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it is traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course, these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It is great living in Paradise
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Old May 15th 2005, 1:36 pm
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Default Re: Gettinn near HURRICANE Season

OK, but this year NO DAMN DISAPPEARING during a hurricane unless you are actually dead. It's like having a bloody teenager, it really is.
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Old May 15th 2005, 1:38 pm
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Default Re: Gettinn near HURRICANE Season

Why the fixation with Nebraska as a safe haven? Isn't that tornado country?
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Old May 15th 2005, 1:38 pm
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Default Re: Gettinn near HURRICANE Season

Originally Posted by elfman
Why the fixation with Nebraska as a safe haven? Isn't that tornado country?
Go to Nebraska .. enough said...
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Old May 15th 2005, 6:17 pm
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Default Re: Gettinn near HURRICANE Season

Originally Posted by Ray
We are getting near HURRICANE Season..starting the Ist of June ..Time for the Annual hurricane advice:

Florida Hurricane Season

We are about to enter the peak of the hurricane season. Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weather person pointing to some radar blob out in the Gulf of Mexico and making two basic meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.
(2) We could all be killed.
Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you are new to the area, you are probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for the possibility that we will be hit by "the big one.'' Based on our experiences, we recommend that you follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:
STEP 1.
Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least three days.
STEP 2.
Put these supplies into your car.
STEP 3.
Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.
Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. We will start with one of the most important hurricane preparedness items:
HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE:
If you own a home, you must have hurricane insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long as your home meets two basic requirements:
(1) It is reasonably well built
(2) It is located in Nebraska.
Unfortunately, if your home is located in Florida, or any other area that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the insurance business in the first place. So you will have to scrounge around for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane George, I have had an estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I am covered by the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy, which states that, in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my kidneys.
SHUTTERS:
Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows, all the doors, and - if it is a major hurricane - all the toilets. There are several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:
Plywood shutters:
The advantage is that, because you make them yourself, they are cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself, they will fall off.
Sheet-metal shutters:
The advantage is that these work well, once you get them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.
Roll-down shutters:
The advantages are that they are very easy to use, and will definitely protect your house... The disadvantage is that you will have to sell your house to pay for them.
"Hurricane-proof'' windows:
These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the sales man says so. He lives in Nebraska.
"Hurricane Proofing" Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check your yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture, visiting relatives, etc. You should, as a precaution, throw these items into your swimming pool (if you do not have a swimming pool, you should have one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these objects into deadly missiles.

EVACUATION ROUTE:
If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "State of Florida," you live in a low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with two hundred thousand other evacuees.
Therefore, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
HURRICANE SUPPLIES:
If you do not evacuate, you will need a mess of supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.
In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies:
23 flashlights - At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the power goes off, to be the wrong size for the flashlights.
Bleach. (No, I do not know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for, but it is traditional, so GET some!)
A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant.
A big knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a hurricane, but it looks cool.)
A large quantity of raw chicken, to placate the alligators.
(Ask anybody who went through Camille; after the hurricane, there WILL be irate alligators.)
$35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible teeth.
Of course, these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near, it is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right next to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for everybody to stay away from the ocean.
Good luck, and remember: It is great living in Paradise



My hurricane preps- load up the car if storm gets above cat 3 and head North.

After seeing first hand what hurricane Charley did in Punta Gorda last year- I don't see the point in doing anything else but get the hell out. My friends' house had those mega expensive (best you can buy) hurricane shutters- Charley ripped the house apart regardless.
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Old May 15th 2005, 6:45 pm
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Default Re: Gettinn near HURRICANE Season

Originally Posted by Taffyles


My hurricane preps- load up the car if storm gets above cat 3 and head North.

After seeing first hand what hurricane Charley did in Punta Gorda last year- I don't see the point in doing anything else but get the hell out. My friends' house had those mega expensive (best you can buy) hurricane shutters- Charley ripped the house apart regardless.

Its not actually the hurricane itself that worries me but the plenty of tornados that are spawned off the eye wall.
 
Old May 16th 2005, 10:30 am
  #7  
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Default Re: Gettinn near HURRICANE Season

Hopefully we will be spared the hurricanes we suffered last year, and usually it doesn't get bad untill later in the season, always seems to me September & October are the worst times. Rememmber anyone wanting hurricane supplie there is a tax break from June 1st to June 12th on things like tarps, weather radio's,batterries, genarators also on cool boxes I think. So be prepared get your stuff during the tax break,and good luck to everyone lets hope we get no more than gentle breezes
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Old May 16th 2005, 4:01 pm
  #8  
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Default Re: Gettinn near HURRICANE Season

My advice is don't watch the weather forecasts during hurricane season as the bastards seem to delight in worrying you for 2 weeks before the hurricane is due to strike and then it does not even effect you half as much as they have made out it would.
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