Lion in Winter

Laverock, have you read Fowlers End, or is this just a coincidence?

Laverock

Since I don't see any obvious connection, I can only assume it's a coincidence.

Patrick

Wanking your way to weight loss


By Masuo Kamiyama
Contributing Writer
June 7, 2004

My gosh, nearly six months have gone by since the year-end party season, but you haven't done anything to trim off those excess pounds. As a result, your belt is running out of notches and your bottom is starting to sag over the edge of chairs at the restaurants where you stuff your face.
It's time, Dr. Hideo Yamanaka tells Weekly Playboy (June 15), for guys to start doing something about it. Yamanaka, director of the Toranomon-Hibiya Clinic, offers a weight reduction that he's convinced guarantees results.

Follow his "masturbation diet" regimen, and you'll soon be able to squeeze back into those hip-hugging jeans and impressing the gals with your svelte figure.

"Ejaculation raises the basic metabolism of muscles and consumes calories," the doctor says. "With fewer calories, subcutaneous fat is consumed, and making it easier to trim down.

"But," the doctor goes on, "there's no point in ordinary activity. An ordinary young person would have to do it 100 more times a month for it to have any effect."

Gosh, says Weekly Playboy. That's three times a day he's talking about.

"Actully more like four or five, if you're really serious," remarks Yamauchi. "For each 2 kilos of body weight, you'd need to squeeze out 2 liters of semen."

Gomesu Yamada, a journalist covering the pink trade, wags his head in agreement.

"It's hard enough just to spurt so often, but to get the full benefits of aerobic exercise, it's necessary for the process to be maintained for at least 15 minutes before ejaculation occurs. We have named this activity 'Onani-bics.' "

"Onani" a common Japanese term for masturbation refers to Onan, the Biblical figure who was destroyed for "spilling his seed on the ground."

Gomesu claims he has knowledge of people who have actually managed to slim down through a regular regimen of Onanibics.

"Guys who made their motto, 'At least one good tug a day' have managed to lose as much as 4 kilograms in a week," he grins.

Rather than indulge in boring generalizations, Weekly Playboy then lists the average pulse rates and calories consumed while combining masturbation with various forms of exercise. "Abdominal muscle onanism" (sit-ups), for example, if performed for 15 minutes, will consume 61 kilocalories; "back strength onanism" (reverse sit ups), just 22 kilocalories; push-ups, 95 kilocalories; deep knee squats, 89 kilocalories; pole climbing, 72 kilocalories; and so-called "Ona-hole jogging" (an activity obviously not for beginners), 204 kilocalories.

A tubby 55-year-old writer named Koyamamyama, who tips the scales at 100 kilograms, had an even better idea. Deciding he might as well have some fun in the process, he headed for red-light districts around he capital. First he dropped in at a porno video parlor in Shinjuku, where DVDs (and hand play) can be enjoyed in private viewing rooms (cost: 1,300 yen). His next stop was a peep show, where, again in a private cubicle, he could watch a young nude girl feign her own efforts at, er, weight reduction (admission: 2,000 yen). This was followed by a visit to an "image club," where the climax of the session included a climax (5,000 yen). After several other workout sessions in Ikebukuro and Ueno, he ended his session at a "roshutsu kurabu" (exposure club) in Shibuya, where, for a layout of 15,000 yen, a young lady joined him in a private cubicle, disrobed, and energetically masturbated herself to orgasm --- while he did the same.

These efforts during a total of four hours of sexual activities came to 43,800 yen, consumption tax included. Did they help? Slightly. Koyamamyama's weight declined from 104.2 kilograms to 102.6. His muscle-to-fat ratio improved from 31.2 percent to 31.8; and his overall body fat ratio fell 0.8 percent.

Well then, guys, how about it, exhorts Weekly Playboy. If you want to get in shape for this summer, then let's give it a good tug! Make that several tugs!

ironporer

No wonder why at age 15 I never had a weight problem

Duncan Roberts

I think the "Low Carb Beers" are the funniest. A few years ago, weren't these low calorie beers? Interesting how Guinnes has less carbs than Micholob Light.

Lion in Winter

The main character's name is Laverock, and I just read the book. It was not a name that I had heard before, and not many people seem to have read it either.

BritGuyTN

although 'mic lite' is a misnomer in itself - its lite compared to michelob but is pretty similar in calorie/card content to many regular beers

i was mortified the other day to find that my recent tipple of choice - heinekin (i know, i know, but its better than bud shite) has 166 calories a bottle - compared to miller lite that has about 95

no wonder my waistline has been expanding of late!

i personally try not to eat a lot of carbs but the baked potato diet does seem pretty interesting

PrincessofWales

instant gratification...see it everywhere....fast food, fast diet...no accountability...

"Like totally get over it" and eat a balanced diet, its not rocket science for pete's sake.

NC Penguin

To me, it seems that much of American society wants everything instantaneously and convenience. Handy size snacks (who really needs to eat when you're driving short distances), drugs alledging instant weight loss, etc.

Consumers are not as inquisitive as in past generations and lap up the advertising and aren't interested in the flipside of all the products and services that might seem tempting.

To be quite honest, for most Americans, that is the ones who don't live in big cities or California, it is actually difficult to shop for healthy foods and at a reasonable cost.

Cheap food is rarely nutritious or healthy (contains cheap ingredients such as artificial scent, colors, preservatives). On the other hand, the Atkins branded products are extortionately expensive because the manufacturer is being greedy. I haven't looked at so many Atkins branded products but I believe that some of them were already in existence (at least in the UK) but before the low carb craze, without Atkins branding and prices.

e.g. the blueberry muffins that contain no real blueberries. Let's not forget the ever increasing size of muffins and baked goods (e.g. Cinnabon. Should change their name to Sinabon if you ask me). Some muffins are enough for two.

USBound

while I can't say that atkins is bad; the science is sound. I can say that in practise the balance is VERY hard. If you have the mental ability to control what you eat to the degree the diet requires then it does work. But you have to be careful. There are many reports on the diet causing problems with peoples kidneys and liver. Personally I couldn' t do it for more than 4 weeks, the diet wasn't too bad, its jus the fact that EVERYONE around me was still eating normally; Smelling pizza when you're eating steak for the BILLIONTH time... is torture on the soul if not the body.


After this I switched to the Body for life diet, Basics are what you explained, I ate a Spud once a day with ACTUAL none sugar coated cereal for breakfast and lunch (this was in the UK, where sugar isn't airborne), as much fruit as I wanted. I also worked out 2 hours a day.

23 weeks later - 102lb lost.

BritGuyTN

'where sugar isn't airborne'

too true - although it seems that some sugary foods are now being made with splenda - actually a pretty reasonable artificial sweetener

i find that the organic aisle of the local kroger has some non-suger infested cereal

Taffyles

I'm sure people got fed up with the "low fat craze" when it first started too- now it's become ingrained in society as so called healthy eating....except that people aren't any healthier or slimmer (in general) after decades of low fat eating- obesity is now the number 1 killer- diabetes is at an all time high and so on.
Atkins makes sense to me- at least initially to lose the weight you want, then adjust your diet accordingly to maintain (which at no time ever means NO carbs- that is senseless). When I was an athlete running 70 miles a week, a high carb diet was essential...I'm not an athlete now. Exercise is the best way to keep weight down but most of us don't have the time to spend 3 hours a day working off our high carb intake- I jog or walk most days but 30 -45 mins is about all the time I can spare to exercise.
A balanced diet for me now is keeping the carbs low- ignoring the low fat (plastic) food out there...as well as most of the low-carb 'overpriced' products ....I think most of us are intelligent enough to recognise bandwagonning in the stores for what it is.

I keep "processed" carbs to a minimum and eat fresh. I've pretty much cut sugar out of my diet- no-one NEEDS sugar. I eat butter instead of plastic low fat marg, I eat the same amount of meat as I always have done. I eat more eggs than I used to...jeeze my grandfather ate butter, 2 eggs everymorning with bacon pr sausage and lived to his 90's. I don't count carbs or calories (never did get into the calorie craze) basically I focus on keeping carbs low instead of fat low- and I feel fitter and healthier than I have for years....no more heartburn or indigestion, no hot flushes anymore, no more tossing and turning at night, much more energy.....works for me! All these symptoms come back when I overdose on carbs like at Christmas.

matt_in_philly

This study is bollocks. If it had any truth to it, then I would look like Rodney the dipstick.

PrincessofWales

'


Couldn't agree more...there is nothing worse for you than hydrogrenated margarines (most Europeans actually sware by butter).

My Grandma turns 85 this year, she was raised on the principle that nothing goes to waste....so the dripping from grilled meat was spread on the next meal's bread, "it's good for you....greases the gills" that's what she'd say, the turkey gizzard would be boiled down to make stock, etc.

And to be honest, these apparently unhealthy eating habits have done her no harm whatsoever...neither has the tipple of Scotch she knocks back before bedtime. You go Grandma.

Laverock

Hi USBound, glad eating spuds worked for you. It amazes me why so many people are eager to spend just too much money on the Atkins diet or some other similar diet when they could in fact eat very cheaply and eat a full meal, with potatoes making up a large part of it. I did exactly as you did with a little meat over the week, a lot of fish if I wanted it and whatever filling I wanted for my spud. Breakfast was simply cornflakes or a half grapefruit and a slice of toast. For lunch you just can't beat a sandwich made at home - lettuce & tomato etc.

I think the Atkins diet is actually quite dangerous since it makes many people think that eating a lot of red meat is actually good for them and makes them believe things like potatoes are bad for them, when in fact their own Doctor's would tell them otherwise. In 10-20 years all those steaks will very probably contribute to many people's heart disease and need for coronary surgery/bypasses etc.

My other big complaint today would be about these foods that have the cheek to stamp figures like 95% Fat Free on the Packet etc. I read that as 5% Saturated Fats and too much sugar. The only way that fat can be reduced in these products (at least according to manufacturers) is to replace the fat with sugar, so it may have a little less fat but increases the risks of developing diabetes! We could all do with eating a lot less saturated fats and a lot less salt & sugar which is put in our processed foods whether we like it or not. I generally ignore what the manufacturer stamps in big letters on the front of the product and read the small print in the ingredients before I buy something to eat.

I am completely unconvinced about the Atkins diet. There is no quick solution to a life time of excess and eating a bad diet. Take a lesson from USBound's comments about eating Spuds people, it's true and it works, I know this because I have done this myself and at no point did I feel hungry or was heavily out of pocket. Best of all it wasn't a stones throw from eating my usual evening meal. When you get the weight off and feel happy about yourself then work out a balanced diet and stick with it. A little of everything does no harm at all. :-)