Fresh (ish) Start?
 

Hey,

I'm a 51yr old Brit working in the Entertainment (TV mainly) production sector.

I lived in LA (Santa Monica, CA) from 2008-2017, but after a tricky time of it (Cancer diagnosis / treatment), I decided to return to the UK and find a nice British girl to settle down with in the homeland when I was 43yrs old.

That dream turned into a nightmare when my (now) Ex partner told me in 2022 (when our daughter was just 18 months old and we were 47/45yrs old respectively) that she wanted another child to "start a family" or would leave (when we met I said I just wanted one child as we were both already in our mid/late-40's and I was the only earner, so felt it wasn't OK for her to spring this ultimatum on me) and I said "no" to having another child with us turning 50 on the horizon.

My Ex lived up to her word and left with our (then) 2yr old and we have been in and out of courts ever since with me trying to get (and "winning") regular access to our (now) 6yr old.

I have fought off multiple social services investigations, false allegations of domestic / child abuse, etc, etc, etc, and been exonerated every. single. time.

But I am broken now and keep thinking there's a lot of truth in the old adage "when you win, you really lose" and my old life living and working in LA (circa aged early/mid 40's) is very appealing right now - even though I am obviously 51yrs old now.

I honestly don't know if I have the fight to battle my Ex for the rest of my middle age and am constantly waiting for the next set of allegations to fight off..

I wonder if it would be better for everyone (including my darling 6yr old daughter) if I was further away - but still with negotiated good access for video calls and school holidays.

For context - living in this small town in Somerset, UK (with other parents crossing the street to avoid me) because of the smear campaign my Ex has waged against me, has been extremely challenging.

The last 4yrs have been the hardest of my life - much harder than the Cancer diagnosis and treatment.

I have a valid O1 visa that I have kept renewing throughout as I need to travel to the US for work a couple of times a year so "visa-wise" there would be no problem.

I know no one has the answer to this - just wondering about opinions.

Re: Fresh (ish) Start?
 

Just a thought, would you consider moving somewhere different in the UK? Still a fresh start and easier and cheaper to see your daughter.
Good luck with whatever you decide.

Re: Fresh (ish) Start?
 

Personally, I would second SOS's thoughts. Unless you have inroads to getting a new position in the US, won't it be difficult for you to start fresh at your age? Just bear in mind, as your ex is giving you such a difficult time seeing your daughter while you are living in England, I can't imagine her being any less willing to make your daughter accessible for screen time and calls with you and forget about her allowing your daughter to come to the US to visit on holidays. Think long and carefully before moving countries.

Re: Fresh (ish) Start?
 

With your daughter being in the UK, I would think it is a non-negotiable that you need to be close by at least until she's an adult. On a practical note, you clearly wanted to ensure you could spend time together through your lengthy legal battles so why would you place such a huge barrier between you as an ocean and a continent now?
Perhaps you are pining for a period in your life when things seemed better/easier/happier (at least before your illness)? Would you really be able to recreate that now if you moved back? Everything would be different this time; many of the people will have moved on with their lives, your favourite places are different now.
Children are a major source of contentment in life (as well as all the other emotions :) ), so you should think carefully before going so far away.

I concur with the others that a new location in the UK might be a better option to explore. You can stay close to your daughter while still getting a fresh start in a new place.

Re: Fresh (ish) Start?
 

Another vote for somewhere else in the UK.

My children are currently in the UK at university. They're adults, we're on the east coast, and they're back here for 5 months of the year, but that's tough enough - I can't imagine being so far away from a much younger child. I pop back to the UK every 6-8 weeks, it's easy to do as I can do door to door in 8 hours with no jet lag, so I also see them when I'm back there. If I was on the west coast, there's no way that would be possible. Just the time difference alone would be a killer if you were in CA.

Video calls won't come close you being there for school plays, sports day, ballet recitals (or whatever), and being in her life day to day. It will have a lasting effect on your relationship, no matter how much you try not to let it.

It sounds like you've had a tough time of it and I do sympathise, but if your daughter is so important to you, moving so far away from her would be the last thing I'd do.

Re: Fresh (ish) Start?
 

Do NOT leave the UK. Will REGRET for the rest of your life. (I am a fellow divorced dad who suffered through the US-UK commute.)