nica

Thought I might start a thread specifically for people who are in one of the waiting stages of the whole process... with no particular legal/immigration question, but maybe just a feeling of frustration, fear, or utter despair (or a combination of those things).

It's been about eleven weeks since I've been in the same room as my partner and I know I still have many many many weeks to go. We both used up all our vacation time for the year with our last visit, so we're unlikely to see each other until the immigration process is successful (assuming it is successful).

Of course I knew it'd be difficult when we got married, and I've tried to take my mind off of it (I have avoided sliding into the abyss of checking the USCIS case status website every day), but it still feels really overwhelming sometimes. Knowing that something that important to me (getting to be with my husband) is so thoroughly out of my control really messes with my head.

Is anybody else who's currently in the process feeling the same way?

Noorah101

Hi nica,

I know, the waiting can be difficult. My fiance and I went through the K-1 process way back in 2003/2004, and because he's Iranian it took 14 months to get through the whole process. We also couldn't visit each other during that time, so I saw him in February of 2003 and then not again until April 2004, when I went to Turkey for his visa interview.

The "not knowing" was kind of hard, but the actual physical separation wasn't all that difficult for us, as we had never lived together at that point. So this was just like another year's wait until we could see each other again. We both had faith that he would get his visa, just a matter of when. We both basically went about our daily life as we did before starting immigration, and the time didn't pass too slowly. We were already used to being apart, so it wasn't a huge strain on the relationship or anything.

My then-fiance was completely computer illiterate, too, so we didn't chat, didn't Skype, didn't send text messages, didn't email. We only talked on the phone, almost every day, even if it was only a 5 minute call to say hi and love you.

Best of luck to you, and hopefully your immigration journey will be an adventure, not a burden.

Rene

Shermeen.Adam

Hi Nica, I feel like I can relate to your post. The best I can say is that it is a process and as time goes by you adjust. Of course, you never stop missing the person you love but eventually you start to see the end in sight and you stop driving yourself so crazy.

If you spend all your days checking the website and thinking that your life is on hold, it doesn't get you anywhere good. After much crying and feeling lonely, I pulled myself up and realised that even without my husband I could enjoy my life in London. And I'm using the "waiting time" to enjoy being with friends and family that I won't be seeing very often when I move.

And I thank myself lucky that my husband and I can talk every day. We can't skype so I haven't seen him in a long time but just hearing his voice can get me through the difficult days. Just remember that you're not alone going through this process. So many have done it before, are doing it now and will do so long after you've moved. Good luck!

S Folinsky

I'd like to suggest an exercise that is quite old-fashioned. But I think it will be quite soothing and will give something to talk about in later life.

Take 20 minutes every day to write a letter to your beloved every day and then post it via snail mail. These letters need not be deep thoughts or well written - just write what is on your mind. These can be idle musings or your thoughts about the future or world events. You might find that you write about things that really don't come out in face to face conversations.

If it becomes a habit, the writer looks forward to this. And the recipient looks forward to the mail and will read the letters several times.

I want to emphasize that the letters need not be deep or polished. My father would write a daily letter to my brother and I every day when we were away in the army. One day, Dad wrote his daily letter to my brother while he was doing laundry and wrote one his most treasured letters -- it was a description of doing the laundry -- separating the color from the whites, what temperature to use, discussion of the various brands of laundry detergent, you name it. It was so off the wall it was sincere -- but it was very grounding.

If you two exchange daily letters, you will have something to look at ten years from now.

paul2012

I know how you feel, my wife and I are about to file the I-130, then she heads back to the states on Saturday after a year of living together in the UK.

We have set up private twitter feeds, meaning we can both tweet whenever we're up to something which gives a passive way for the other to see what we're doing. We were apart for 15 months two years ago too, and Skyped every day/wrote letters/phoned. It's was hard, although for the first month and a half she was working in Mongolia and I was trekking through the Amazon, so after that Skyping/phoning every day seemed a lot easier than having to climb up mountain tops for signal!

Apfelkuchen

Hi nica - great idea.

I haven't filed anything yet as I won't be able to move to the US for nearly two years due to my job and my fiance's (Navy) deployment schedule. I will be doing so in due course, however, and I can definitely empathise with the long distance relationship woes! My partner and I got together at the beginning of 2008 while he was doing his master's degree in the UK. He had to go back home in September '09 to fulfil his minimum 5-year commitment to the Navy and I stayed in England to finish my PhD, so we have been living apart since then. I usually see him every 3 months or so, although owing to his deployment schedule I probably won't see him again before next spring. Because of the nature of his job (submarines) we also have very little contact. At the moment I get one e-mail a week at best.

Shermeen is right that you adjust to the separation over time as long as you fill up your life with other people. When I saw my partner every day I spent almost all my free time with him. Now I am much more sociable and feel like a more rounded person for the experience. That said, I can't wait until we can be together again!

Elvira

Too right. I have a box of letters my husband wrote to me early on in our relationship, when we were apart for a while. This was looooooong before email, and I remember pining for those letters. Somehow they seem more precious than the gazillions of emails he has sent me since.

Shermeen.Adam

I agree, when my husband and I first met back in 2004 we sent emails (of course), postcards and letters. And whilst emails can be printed or kept electronically, I do tresure the letters. Inlcuding the little side notes scribbled or pictures he felt like adding. I keep all these letters and they've been read and re-read countless times.
Unfortunately for me, my husband called that time "the wooing stage" and now that I've been hooked and reeled in, I'm lucky to get an email from him much less a letter! lol! Whilst we're apart he much prefers to talk on the phone, emails and letters seem to be a hassle for him. He rarely even writes on my FB wall.
But anything you can do to keep the communication going and not feel like you're so far apart will help the time go by quicker. Once you've had a taste of living together, it is difficult to go back to long distance but remember its not forever xx

Rachie0711

It's so hard to go back...I know a lot of people stay with their loved ones for long periods and Im a blubbering mess after two weeks

I brought a blackberry so I can email my husband back and forth all the time, so it feels more like a text message and I feel closer to him. We send each other pictures of silly things like what we're eating or the car he's working on. It's hard because sometimes days seem like weeks when you're apart. My husband isnt a big talker on the phone so that helps us communicate more.

Soon you'll both be together

nica

This sounds like an amazing idea. Thanks for the tip!

katiekat

I have found, in addition to writing letters to my fiance, that going to the store and picking out a greeting card once of twice a month is very helpful as well. It gives me a pretty card to write on with a message that says exactly how I'm feeling right at that moment. I'll spend forever looking through each card until I find just the right one.

frambuesas

I do this too; I'll write long emails and FB messages, and we keep a private blog together, too, but written letters and cards are so personal, and give you a special task, too.

If you have a smart phone/android/iPhone etc., WhatsApp (a texting service that uses your 3G signal, so it's effectively free to send texts, photos, videos etc. if you have unlimited internet on your contract) is an absolute godsend. I thoroughly recommend it.

nica

Due to the time change and our schedules, we're able to spend 2-3 hours chatting online (and via skype) most days, so contact isn't really the issue, I guess (we're so spoiled compared to lots of you who had almost no contact!). I'm not actually sure what we'd say in our daily letters that we don't already say to each other online, though I'd still love to try it.

The part that gets depressing for me is eating dinner alone and going to bed alone, since the time zones don't line up in such a way that I can talk to him at night. I've just recently moved to a new state and I picked out an apartment specifically for the two of us, so there's a pretty conspicuous him-shaped hole in my everyday life. Not really having any kind of reasonable expectation of when he'll actually be here makes the wait worse to me. Does that make sense?

Apfelkuchen

I sometimes find that chatting on Skype creates a strange sort of pressure. That probably sounds odd, but what I mean is that when you are physically together you don't necessarily need to keep up a constant stream of conversation - the physical presence and contact is in itself a form of communication. On Skype, on the other hand, you feel like you have to keep coming up with things to say, which isn't always easy when you've just been working all day. So one thing I do is keep a Word file on my computer and as I go through the day and think of things I want to tell my fiance (news, jokes that I think he would enjoy, newspaper articles I've read etc.) I make a note of them. That way when it comes to chatting (or writing an e-mail) I don't forget everything and always have lots of things to talk about. None of them are usually earth shattering, but they are just the little details that keep the communication interesting and make you feel close. I do this on my computer because I am at it working 85% of the day, but for other people a little notebook might be more appropriate.

It does. When my fiance is on dry land and we are talking on Skype at the time when I am going to bed I sometimes make him stay online until I fall asleep. A few times we did try having dinner together over Skype but it wasn't quite the same!

In some ways it is a blessing in disguise not being able to talk at night. In the beginning, before we became adept at handling the distance, we used to have some terrible fights when we talked late at night (for me). I would never want to hang up and go to sleep because I missed him so much, but I would also get more and more grumpy as I got tired and end up picking fights! Since he has moved from the east coast to the west it is easier. We now talk at about 10:30pm his time, which helps me to get up in the mornings!

A new apartment sounds exciting though. Are there things you can do to it decorating-wise to take your mind off the wait?

frambuesas

Yep, that definitely makes sense. Because my fiancé was here all summer, I can now see where he "should" be (even though we plan to live in America together), as he's already lived here, stayed in this room, walked into town with me and so on. I miss him a stupid amount. It has been easier since we've had the interview date, though, as we have something more concrete. Do you have any ideas on dates? What stage are you at?

We leave Skype on all the time at our respective houses (connected, I mean). We like to feel like we're in the same room. It's a little sad, especially with the juxtaposition of his having been here for so long and what it's like to really be together, but we've done it for almost a year now (in between times of seeing each other) and I wouldn't be without it. I guess I don't feel the same pressure of having to talk as Apfelkuchen described, as we're always "in the same room" if we're home. I do like the idea of writing specific things down though - great plan.