Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
Dec 28th 2012, 3:26 pm
#1
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Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
There may be some of you who may remember my story. I originally was in the U.S. for 8 years, left a bad marriage and returned to the U.K. in 2004. Life was good there, my kids were able to spend their formative years going to primary school and becoming "British" - they are 50% USC but I always felt that one day I should bring them back to the U.S. to experience life here as well. After 6 years we finally made the move and relocated to California.
Great weather, more house than I could ever own in the U.K., both children doing very well in school and the opportunity to develop a relationship with a former flame. With all this comes the rub - employment and healthcare. As a single parent I have always valued the flexibility in a job to be able to work and manage appointments and simply have time with my children. In the U.K. I had 27 days annual leave and worked 37.5 hours/week. Here, it's 40 hours/week and 10 days vacation if you are lucky. I've found the work place less understanding, less flexible to the point that you are fearful to take time off or risk your job. Employees essentially have less rights here and everything including healthcare hinges on your job and employers know that. I have had a period of unemployment and not having healthcare is quite unsettling.
I'm seriously considering making the move back Summer 2013 so that my daughter can start year 10. If I do not make the move at this time she will miss the start of her last 2 years of school - it's basically a case of now or never. My son would be more than happy to move back as he very much identifies with being British. My daughter is happy either way although I know she would miss her friends. My boyfriend had previously said he would consider moving to the U.K. but has now said he wants to stay here and doesn't understand why I go back to the U.K. for a holiday every year.
As any parent knows, children grow up way too quickly and I want to be able to have the time to spend with them before they are fully grown. The question is for me which is the best place to be in to enable me to do that and also to give them the best start in life?
Being a single parent I shoulder all of the responsibility of this decision which has caused me many a sleepless night for the last few weeks and months. I had thought when we moved back to the U.S. it was the right thing to do but I question now is it better to have a higher standard of living or a better quality of life?? Have others suffered with this same dilemma?
Great weather, more house than I could ever own in the U.K., both children doing very well in school and the opportunity to develop a relationship with a former flame. With all this comes the rub - employment and healthcare. As a single parent I have always valued the flexibility in a job to be able to work and manage appointments and simply have time with my children. In the U.K. I had 27 days annual leave and worked 37.5 hours/week. Here, it's 40 hours/week and 10 days vacation if you are lucky. I've found the work place less understanding, less flexible to the point that you are fearful to take time off or risk your job. Employees essentially have less rights here and everything including healthcare hinges on your job and employers know that. I have had a period of unemployment and not having healthcare is quite unsettling.
I'm seriously considering making the move back Summer 2013 so that my daughter can start year 10. If I do not make the move at this time she will miss the start of her last 2 years of school - it's basically a case of now or never. My son would be more than happy to move back as he very much identifies with being British. My daughter is happy either way although I know she would miss her friends. My boyfriend had previously said he would consider moving to the U.K. but has now said he wants to stay here and doesn't understand why I go back to the U.K. for a holiday every year.
As any parent knows, children grow up way too quickly and I want to be able to have the time to spend with them before they are fully grown. The question is for me which is the best place to be in to enable me to do that and also to give them the best start in life?
Being a single parent I shoulder all of the responsibility of this decision which has caused me many a sleepless night for the last few weeks and months. I had thought when we moved back to the U.S. it was the right thing to do but I question now is it better to have a higher standard of living or a better quality of life?? Have others suffered with this same dilemma?
Dec 28th 2012, 3:48 pm
#2
The Kwisatz Haderach
Joined: Aug 2008
Location: North Wales
Posts: 8,080
Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
I haven't suffered your dilemma, and it sounds like a tough one.
We are heading back to UK in 2013 for family and a life where we won't worry about healthcare should anyone become seriously ill.
Do you really feel you have a better standard of living here? I don't. I see my UK friends and family living at the standard Dh and I would have been at in UK by now had we stayed and they seem to be doing better than us.
Homes paid off, two and three vacation a year to many varied places, including US. Eating out, comfortable, kids grown and left with homes of their own.
Us, small mortgage left costing about the same as rent locally, healthcare tied to a job my Dh is hating and unable to move to something else. Unable to afford even one vacation a year, Dh using his vacation time to recover from illnesses and to make repairs on the house. Kids have done well and moved out, back to UK. Neither wants to live here, they don't like the work life culture and lack of vacation time for the work they put in.
If you are going to go, I would do it sooner rather than later, if you want your children to finish school in UK and go to Uni then now is it.
They need to be in UK three years before the start of Uni to get home fees.
You boyfriend sounds like he's never lived anywhere else. Maybe if you go he'll be willing to visit and see if he likes it, if not, you and your children are the most important thing and you have to balance the future and decide for yourself. Stay and kids go on to Uni here and maybe have relationships, children and settle. That way you either stay here forever (which is what I though we would do) or go home alone and visit them when you can.
We are heading back to UK in 2013 for family and a life where we won't worry about healthcare should anyone become seriously ill.
Do you really feel you have a better standard of living here? I don't. I see my UK friends and family living at the standard Dh and I would have been at in UK by now had we stayed and they seem to be doing better than us.
Homes paid off, two and three vacation a year to many varied places, including US. Eating out, comfortable, kids grown and left with homes of their own.
Us, small mortgage left costing about the same as rent locally, healthcare tied to a job my Dh is hating and unable to move to something else. Unable to afford even one vacation a year, Dh using his vacation time to recover from illnesses and to make repairs on the house. Kids have done well and moved out, back to UK. Neither wants to live here, they don't like the work life culture and lack of vacation time for the work they put in.
If you are going to go, I would do it sooner rather than later, if you want your children to finish school in UK and go to Uni then now is it.
They need to be in UK three years before the start of Uni to get home fees.
You boyfriend sounds like he's never lived anywhere else. Maybe if you go he'll be willing to visit and see if he likes it, if not, you and your children are the most important thing and you have to balance the future and decide for yourself. Stay and kids go on to Uni here and maybe have relationships, children and settle. That way you either stay here forever (which is what I though we would do) or go home alone and visit them when you can.
Dec 28th 2012, 4:20 pm
#3
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Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
I haven't suffered your dilemma, and it sounds like a tough one.
We are heading back to UK in 2013 for family and a life where we won't worry about healthcare should anyone become seriously ill.
Do you really feel you have a better standard of living here? I don't. I see my UK friends and family living at the standard Dh and I would have been at in UK by now had we stayed and they seem to be doing better than us.
Homes paid off, two and three vacation a year to many varied places, including US. Eating out, comfortable, kids grown and left with homes of their own.
Us, small mortgage left costing about the same as rent locally, healthcare tied to a job my Dh is hating and unable to move to something else. Unable to afford even one vacation a year, Dh using his vacation time to recover from illnesses and to make repairs on the house. Kids have done well and moved out, back to UK. Neither wants to live here, they don't like the work life culture and lack of vacation time for the work they put in.
If you are going to go, I would do it sooner rather than later, if you want your children to finish school in UK and go to Uni then now is it.
They need to be in UK three years before the start of Uni to get home fees.
You boyfriend sounds like he's never lived anywhere else. Maybe if you go he'll be willing to visit and see if he likes it, if not, you and your children are the most important thing and you have to balance the future and decide for yourself. Stay and kids go on to Uni here and maybe have relationships, children and settle. That way you either stay here forever (which is what I though we would do) or go home alone and visit them when you can.
We are heading back to UK in 2013 for family and a life where we won't worry about healthcare should anyone become seriously ill.
Do you really feel you have a better standard of living here? I don't. I see my UK friends and family living at the standard Dh and I would have been at in UK by now had we stayed and they seem to be doing better than us.
Homes paid off, two and three vacation a year to many varied places, including US. Eating out, comfortable, kids grown and left with homes of their own.
Us, small mortgage left costing about the same as rent locally, healthcare tied to a job my Dh is hating and unable to move to something else. Unable to afford even one vacation a year, Dh using his vacation time to recover from illnesses and to make repairs on the house. Kids have done well and moved out, back to UK. Neither wants to live here, they don't like the work life culture and lack of vacation time for the work they put in.
If you are going to go, I would do it sooner rather than later, if you want your children to finish school in UK and go to Uni then now is it.
They need to be in UK three years before the start of Uni to get home fees.
You boyfriend sounds like he's never lived anywhere else. Maybe if you go he'll be willing to visit and see if he likes it, if not, you and your children are the most important thing and you have to balance the future and decide for yourself. Stay and kids go on to Uni here and maybe have relationships, children and settle. That way you either stay here forever (which is what I though we would do) or go home alone and visit them when you can.
it's either I make the decision to go now and take them back to continue their lives in the UK with all it entails - exams, uni, jobs and family or stay here tied to a job for the little in vacation days that I get and healthcare and not have the same amount of time with my kids as I would have done in the UK.Being a single parent in the UK at the time I didn't feel that I was as comfortable as I thought that I would be financially in the U.S. but when you compare the additional hours of work and reduced number of days off I am essentially earning the same money. The differences in standard of living for me is a bigger home - twice the size of what I had in the UK but as you say I see my friends back home and they have nice homes and enjoy at least 2 holidays a year.
As for my boyfriend, he has visited the UK once and actually spent 3 years in Germany - this was some time ago. He is a history buff so I'm hoping that the appeal of Europe on his doorstep and pubs would appeal to him.
The big bonus to staying in the U.S. is that my children by virtue of being U.S. veteran dependents are entitled to free tuition at any CA state college or university which is a considerable saving for me. But if I stay here until both are done with uni it will be another 10 years and they will be taking off to live their own lives after this anyway.
When did you come to the realisation that you wanted to go back?
Dec 28th 2012, 5:37 pm
#4
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Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
Has anyone taken their dog back to the UK from the US recently? I brought back my last dog in 2004 but I think there has been changes since then to the rules.
Dec 28th 2012, 6:43 pm
#5
The Kwisatz Haderach
Joined: Aug 2008
Location: North Wales
Posts: 8,080
Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
We came to the realization after Ds#2 decided he was going to follow his brother back to UK, that same year Dh nearly died he was so sick and still dragged himself into work using a cane and working very slowly, knowing that without his job he had no medical cover to see the doctors he was seeing, at his worst he took all his vacation days and floaters plus some sick days and lay on the couch, needed help to walk to the loo even and lost 40lbs. Once his meds kicked in he started to get a bit better and immediately went back to work.
At that point he decided family was more important that sunshine in summer, so here we are one left in school who will go to Primary in UK and two grown who are working.
I really never thought we'd go. But I know he means it when he put his beloved '70 Mustang up for sale the other day.
At that point he decided family was more important that sunshine in summer, so here we are one left in school who will go to Primary in UK and two grown who are working.
I really never thought we'd go. But I know he means it when he put his beloved '70 Mustang up for sale the other day.
Dec 28th 2012, 6:45 pm
#6
The Kwisatz Haderach
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Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
http://www.defra.gov.uk/publications...-pets-into-uk/
Dec 28th 2012, 7:29 pm
#7
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Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
We were here for 21 months (AZ) then returned home to the UK for 8 months, we returned as DH was not settling well back to UK life, in the end I gave in and said I would return (we have a 5 year). Life in AZ has not changed and now with a child in US public school system we realized it was a mistake to return.
My gripes are health care, education and work/life balance when you have a child. I work 20 - 25 hours a week retail so that I can collect her from school and be with her, hubby works in construction poor wages and not even 30 hours a week.
Whilst we have been here the house in the UK is rented out with some income coming in and we will return to it hopefully soon.
Hubby is now finally getting it and wants to return but has not said when, I would go tomorrow but we still have to sell house and pack up. Hopefully 2013 will be the year. Education is paramount to us and our daughter is being left behind because she is above average (well she is british) and she had the advantage to attend reception class in the UK for 8 weeks which has given her a huge boost and parents who sit down with her encouraging her to read, tell the time, do maths etc
Bromley Girl you are in the right direction at least you have given it your best shot! Mummy, at least you have the year 2013 and mustang is up for sale!
My gripes are health care, education and work/life balance when you have a child. I work 20 - 25 hours a week retail so that I can collect her from school and be with her, hubby works in construction poor wages and not even 30 hours a week.
Whilst we have been here the house in the UK is rented out with some income coming in and we will return to it hopefully soon.
Hubby is now finally getting it and wants to return but has not said when, I would go tomorrow but we still have to sell house and pack up. Hopefully 2013 will be the year. Education is paramount to us and our daughter is being left behind because she is above average (well she is british) and she had the advantage to attend reception class in the UK for 8 weeks which has given her a huge boost and parents who sit down with her encouraging her to read, tell the time, do maths etc
Bromley Girl you are in the right direction at least you have given it your best shot! Mummy, at least you have the year 2013 and mustang is up for sale!
Dec 28th 2012, 7:42 pm
#8
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Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
We were here for 21 months (AZ) then returned home to the UK for 8 months, we returned as DH was not settling well back to UK life, in the end I gave in and said I would return (we have a 5 year). Life in AZ has not changed and now with a child in US public school system we realized it was a mistake to return.
My gripes are health care, education and work/life balance when you have a child. I work 20 - 25 hours a week retail so that I can collect her from school and be with her, hubby works in construction poor wages and not even 30 hours a week.
Whilst we have been here the house in the UK is rented out with some income coming in and we will return to it hopefully soon.
Hubby is now finally getting it and wants to return but has not said when, I would go tomorrow but we still have to sell house and pack up. Hopefully 2013 will be the year. Education is paramount to us and our daughter is being left behind because she is above average (well she is british) and she had the advantage to attend reception class in the UK for 8 weeks which has given her a huge boost and parents who sit down with her encouraging her to read, tell the time, do maths etc
Bromley Girl you are in the right direction at least you have given it your best shot! Mummy, at least you have the year 2013 and mustang is up for sale!
My gripes are health care, education and work/life balance when you have a child. I work 20 - 25 hours a week retail so that I can collect her from school and be with her, hubby works in construction poor wages and not even 30 hours a week.
Whilst we have been here the house in the UK is rented out with some income coming in and we will return to it hopefully soon.
Hubby is now finally getting it and wants to return but has not said when, I would go tomorrow but we still have to sell house and pack up. Hopefully 2013 will be the year. Education is paramount to us and our daughter is being left behind because she is above average (well she is british) and she had the advantage to attend reception class in the UK for 8 weeks which has given her a huge boost and parents who sit down with her encouraging her to read, tell the time, do maths etc
Bromley Girl you are in the right direction at least you have given it your best shot! Mummy, at least you have the year 2013 and mustang is up for sale!
Is your husband UKC or USC? I worry if I convince my boyfriend to move with us - we have talked about getting married eventually that he will not adapt and come to resent me..
Dec 28th 2012, 8:41 pm
#9
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Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
My husband is dual, he was born in the UK father was American, my daughter is dual also born in UK. Me on a green card.
Hopefully your boyfriend will be willing to try something new
Hopefully your boyfriend will be willing to try something new
Dec 28th 2012, 8:54 pm
#10
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Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
Mrs. Bucket, a fellow Arizona sufferer here.. I sold my house 3 months ago. it took only 4 days and was nowt special. you should be able to sell. Once my lease is up I am leaving Arizona. I am not married so have freedom to go back to UK but worry about jobs. I feel I need to set myself up in US with skill set that is transferable to UK. I've been in US nearly 30 years and do not know if could ever return back to UK for good but leaving Arizona will be a good start. Good luck..
Dec 28th 2012, 8:56 pm
#11
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Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
Bromleygirl, don't mean to take over your thread. I would say move back to UK..
Dec 28th 2012, 9:02 pm
#12
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Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
Mrs. Bucket, a fellow Arizona sufferer here.. I sold my house 3 months ago. it took only 4 days and was nowt special. you should be able to sell. Once my lease is up I am leaving Arizona. I am not married so have freedom to go back to UK but worry about jobs. I feel I need to set myself up in US with skill set that is transferable to UK. I've been in US nearly 30 years and do not know if could ever return back to UK for good but leaving Arizona will be a good start. Good luck..
I meet so many people whilst working in retail who are desperate to get out of AZ and I can understand why. I just want to go home and stay.
Good luck to your new adventure.
Dec 28th 2012, 9:14 pm
#13
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Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
I live in Mesa and have lived in Mesa since 1988.
Dec 28th 2012, 10:05 pm
#15
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Re: Do I stay in the U.S. or do I return?
No worries! I'm just glad to hear of others who feel the same way. There have been many times when I feel very much alone in my thoughts even when I speak with other Brits in my local area. We all comment we love the California weather and lifestyle and note the vacation time sucks but I'm usually the only one that says I would be willing to return back because of it. My friends back in the UK are envious I am close to San Francisco and Napa and can't believe I would consider giving it all up to come back.
