Goonergirl

Giantaxe

Courts test burden of proof and have the ability to sanction frivolous legal actions.

Assuming that the PFA comes into force, I agree with Rete. It will actually have the practical effect of protecting you.

G00dByeGirl

Goonergirl Thank you for such a lovely, honest post. I am so sorry that you had to go through such a dreadful time. I know what you mean when friends takes sides, there's about 4 people now that will talk to me out here.

I've been trying to recite 'this too will pass' in my darkest moments when I feel such despair - maybe I should start a duet with Gloria too. It's not knowing where the next hit is coming from that scares me so much. Well, there are so many unknowns, the daily and my future. Each way I turn there's no clear path into the light. I've read so many stories of divorce over the years and generally accepted how awful people can be to each other, but now that it's happening to me, it's hard to accept let alone believe.

The general consensus on my ex is that 'he's such a great guy' and few years ago I would've been leading the charge on that. But now I see what no one else does and it's a lonely place to be. I don't bad mouth him, I don't talk about what happened in our marriage, I'm trying so hard to keep myself afloat. He left me, so again what he wants has turned my life upside down. Because I gave up so much when I left the UK to marry him, I was so desperately trying to save the marriage. But it was a bit like cupping your hands around a candle to keep the flame from going out in gale force wind.

I keep telling myself there will be learning and healing for me, and I'm lucky that I've never been a bitter or angry person. But right now it's all such a mess. The heartache is pretty unbearable, and my disbelief at who he has become has got me questioning the past 11 years. What could I have done better? What more could I have tried? What was my part in all this? All pretty pointless thoughts now. One thing's for sure, I put him first in our marriage and so did he.

The PFA is in effect, on a temporary basis and against me. I am worried though, as I'm pretty sure I saw his truck driving away from the house today. I suspect he's checking the mail, and probably the house too. The only thing that bothers me is if he tries to come into the house. Maybe I should take a picture if I think I see him anywhere near the house again. Surely he wouldn't attempt to contact me? Not after all the hoopla he's gone to with the PFA nonsense.

MMcD

I wondered what the costs will be, not for the Court, but for YOU. Not only because your "ex" added this frivolous PFA nonsense to the brew, but because the entire shebang has resulted from his divorce demand, and tho he's entitled to obtain it - I kept thinking it's not "equitable" for you to have to foot the entirety of your legal costs. (I'm speaking as a layman with no legal knowledge )
And so I Googled: "Kansas divorce attorney costs", and found this:

https://www.copleyroth.com/family-la...ttorneys-fees/ :

"..... American Rule: each side pays his or her own attorney. Only in extremely limited cases, generally where this (sic) a statute, will the other side be responsible for paying the other party’s attorney. In the context of divorce, such a statute exists in Section 23-2715."
(This statute is unique to Kansas !)

Read the whole article...I think you'll find it relevant and helpful.

Should consideration of your legal costs be an issue in your attorney's settlement discussions?
There are obvious pros and cons....but it's something to at least consider before those discussions begin.

Meanwhile...deep breath....Ohm.... take good care of yourself eg check shoes before leaving house

retzie

You will survive. And on the other side of this mess, you will have all the space in the world to breathe and be yourself. He, on the other hand, will be a shit for the rest of his life

I know it feels like you will be in this place indefinitely, but it WILL end. Maybe not right away, and it might get worse before it gets better, but you will not be in limbo forever. I have found the truth in this statement, even if it is a bit stark, to be something I can truly anchor myself to in the most difficult times. (I do not respond well to platitudes...)

Plus all of us

BEVS

Absolutely.

G00dByeGirl

I'm so grateful for the kind words and support. Acts of kindness are registering very meaningfully for me right now, and reading the words 'plus all of us' touched my broken heart.

I'm surprised that 'broken' is how I'd describe my heart, as my marriage had not been a happy one. In fact, we married after 7 years together so I think that perhaps marriage broke my marriage. Two people trying to make the impossible work. Scratch that, one person trying to save something that was quite terminal.

But to my surprise, it is in fact quite broken.

The realisation that all his awful actions against me are quite deliberate and can not be mistaken for any kind of misunderstanding, is hard to bear. I used to think he was the most honorable person, someone who'd do the right thing. It's difficult to try and make sense of what's happening. And yet, this isn't a murder-mystery, I am finding it hard to accept what is fact - someone I loved very much is hurting me very badly.

At the weekend I went to my first social event as a singleton. God, it was awful. I didn't miss him but at the same time, I felt horribly alone.

I knew I'd be in for a lousy night's sleep as in the morning I'd know if he'd deposited any money for me in his pay. No prizes for guessing that he didn't. So he's left me without a penny. I'm having to dip into my UK savings to survive. I also discovered that the temporary court order for spousal support is not worth the paper the judge signed. It's not being enforced by any authority, so it's down to him to pay it. And he's doing squat.

I've raised that with my attorney but have zero hope that any spousal support will be paid. My ex has made it clear he opposes this, and I'm sure knows that no one can make him do it. There's more chance of that happening if it's agreed in the final settlement.

As for 'military law' stepping in... well, they could well see it as harassment. As long as he pays the mortgage and utilities for which he gets an allowance for, they don't want to concern themselves. I'm sure there are serving members who would disagree with me, but I can't get any help. And, I have a temporary PFA against me, so it's a fine line if I were to attempt to get help. His command are clearly not supportive of me, all I can do is inform them matter-of-fact. The PFA forbids me from attempting to get a message to him via 3rd parties.

I hate this hopeless feeling that I've got no resistance to the slings and arrows that are coming my way. He wants a divorce, I take that hit. He helps himself to all of our money, wipes out the furniture, raises a PFA, leaves me penniless and won't pay spousal support. Bang, bang, bang. When does karma happen?

I see my attorney on Wednesday and am hoping to get the green light to fly home. I do want to ask about payment of legal costs but that seems impossible right now.

BEVS

I used to unquestionable think that of my sister . Then my Dad became terminal and died. The unseeing scales were forced from my eyes and I had to see just who she and her daughter were. It was painful for a very long time. I lost my Dad of course but also my sister. I 'divorced' my sister from my life entirely . It remains the right thing to have done for my own self.

You'll get through. I hope you get the OK to leave and make your UK return shortly.

Jerseygirl

It is literally heartbreaking when the person you thought loved you, the person you thought you knew, is not that person at all. They have a heart made of stone and take pleasure out of backing you into a corner and hurting you. It shatters your faith in ever trusting anyone again I always say that the only person you ever really know, is yourself.

You will come out of this a much stronger person, because if you survive this (and you will survive), you can survive anything.

Good luck and remember, we are here for you anytime.

G00dByeGirl

You are both so right. You think you know someone, really know them, believe in them and then... that belief gets tested.

My ex didn't really know what empathy was, he could listen to the saddest of stories, say the right things, but didn't feel anything. I do wonder if this missing chip is what's enabling him to do all these rotten things. Or maybe I'm making excuses for him. It's so hard to accept that he can cause me so much pain and not care. One thing's for sure, he's incredibly angry with me.

Attorney tomorrow. Am so nervous, should find out more about the settlement and whether I can go home.

Thank you again for all the support and kindness.

Jerseygirl

I hope you get the answers you want to hear. Best of luck.

G00dByeGirl

Well, I'm expecting the worst when it comes to his terms. I'm trying to harden myself to accept that he's playing with no morals, and is looking out for #1. I hope my lawyer is fighting for me, and will go through my question list. I am better prepared this time.

Lion in Winter

This

vikingsail

Goodbye Girl - I am disheartened this has played out the way it has. As with others I believe 'this to will come to pass' and you will get through it. I strongly urge you to consider 'getting out of dodge' as soon as possible and I do not believe you need to have anyone's permission to leave? This is a civil matter (at the moment). Again, don't take my internet advice but check. Your attorney might not be thrilled at you leaving because the prospects for him getting paid diminish. But there is no reason why you cannot go in my humble opinion. All things considered, it would likely be healthy for you and reduce potential communication mishaps or 'stories' about alleged communication and contact. And on that note - I know you are not presently communicating with your ex but if and when it ever does occur again. I urge you to adopt the advice of a good friend of mine in all aspects of your communication and use the 24-hour rule. That is, there is little in life which requires immediate communication. Technology emails, texts tweets, etc make it seem like we have to respond immediately. Whenever you receive any communication wait 24 hours and reflect before making any response. It's what your attorney does! Which is why they are always so difficult to contact

Lion in Winter

You know what this thread needs?

It needs this