G00dByeGirl

Just clarifying some of the discussion points.

1. Yes, my spouse is military. People in service sign up to a code of conduct which means anything that the police would be involved with, the military will also investigate. This includes family responsibilities, including the wellbeing of your spouse.
2. I paid off all my spouse's debts, thousands and thousands of dollars. I will not get that back, but it's relevant information and paints a picture of the financial back drop. In short, my spouse is debt free and financially better off because of me.
3. The house was bought less than a year ago, as a fixer upper and only a few improvements have been made. It will not sell for more than what we paid. I put down $37k, he didn't make any contribution to the down payment. If we were to sell now at the original asking price, the estimated return I'd get (after he takes 50%) is somewhere around $7k
4. He wants to keep the house, and the current plan is for him to buy me out. He is offering me around $27k, but his terms are many. He doesn't want to bring in lawyers, and wants me out after the buy-out. He could afford to give me the full $37k, but refuses
5. I used to earn more than him, but took on a lower paying job when I moved to the States to marry him. I gave up my home, my income, my car, family and friends and now he's decided that he wants a divorce. We were together 11 years, married for almost 4. I will be moving back to the UK and starting over in a much, much lower standard of living, with no home or job and a lot less money thanks to him.
6. If I don't agree to give him everything he wants, he is threatening to come after the assets I have left in the UK, things that he made no contribution to whatsoever, but may have a legal right to go after
7. He is acting as if the house is already his, moving my stuff and treating me like an interloper.
8. He is verbally abusive and a complete nightmare to live with.
9. I recently got my US citizenship

My focus right now is getting away from him, but my lawyer is advising me to stay in the house. I think his offer of $27k may be my best bet, but I need legal counsel. We are not able to negotiate terms because of his anger, and I won't be bullied into agreeing to everything he wants. Saying that, it's so awful that I'm on the verge of walking with nothing so I can escape.

Pulaski

You should draw up a list of assets and liabilities under the two scenarios - what do you get, and what will you either pay (legal fees) or risk losing (part of your UK assets), then you will be in a better position to decide whether the $27k offer is a good deal or not. It might be unplatable, but it might be better than commencing a legal battle with only one certain outcome, that the lawyers will take a sizable slice of the cake.

Rete

ooops thanks

petitefrancaise

Kansas is an "equitable" settlement state - not necessarily 50:50 split of the assets, so I wouldn't get too fixated on actual numbers right now.
Your lawyer will probably give you a questionnaire to fill out which will have a million (or so it seems) questions so that they get an accurate picture of your marriage and finances. Based on that,they will then advise you about what you might expect as a settlement figure.
Try to get as many documents as you can of his - what are his current assets ( value of pension funds that have been paid into during your marriage, bank accounts etc). The more information you can get, the better. I wouldn't personally ask for spousal assistance in your case, your lawyer will probably use it as a bargaining chip though - I would just make a clean break.
Also remember that the lawyer is paid out of joint assets - so you could use a credit card to pay retainers etc and then that would be included in the final settlement.
I'm sure you will feel better once you have spoken to the lawyer.

G00dByeGirl

I'm not quite sure how to talk about where things stand, but it's been a bad, bad, bad week.

His First Sgt escorted him to the house Monday so he could pack on overnight bag. I was shocked at this step, but I suspect it was with the agreement of my ex. For the next few days I didn't have a clue what was going on. He didn't return.

On Thursday he cleared out our bank accounts. Wiped them out to the tune of $4k.

On Friday I was sent a text - 30 minutes notice that he was moving out and coming to the house to get his personal belongings and furniture. I asked him to stand to our agreement and email what he wanted, then we could agree and arrange a better time. We hadn't agreed the split of household assets.

But he ignored me, as he has been doing - his messages are to tell me something statement style and he doesn't respond to my replies - and he, the First Sgt, his boss and colleague came to the house with their trucks. Four big military guys and just me. I had contacted the First Sgt for help, so it was gutting to see he was in on it. It was an awful violation, I was intimidated. I didn't want to let them in but they came in anyway so I called the police.

The police were nice but couldn't help me, so I had to stand there, in my own house, while my spouse and his buddies cleaned me out.

I didn't know just how much they'd take as I had to leave to see my attorney. I came home and was distraught to say the least.

I filed for divorce on Friday.

God help me next week.

petitefrancaise

I am so sorry, what a horrible experience for you.
On the good side, he is now out of the house. Change the locks immediately.
Open up a new bank account in your name only. Do you have any money to live on?
Pay the lawyer's retainer immediately with a joint credit card, put as much as you can for that on joint credit. I'd probably do that now/tonight before your husband freezes the cards.
Do you have friends near you?
Big, big hug.

G00dByeGirl

Thanks for the hugs, really appreciated. It's been rough.

I opened my own bank account a few weeks back. I've had to transfer money from my UK bank (life savings) so that I can survive out here. I've paid myself for the attorney's retainer, but I'm off to the bank first thing Monday to check out the terms of the credit card. I know it was joint, but my ex never used his. I can't remember if I'm solely responsible for the payment of mine.

I have a couple of good friends, but the horrible feeling of being out here alone is overwhelming. The only reason I'm here was him, and now we are in no contact. No family here whatsoever. It was always all about him.

civilservant

I would be making a complaint to the 1st Sergeants CO.

Pulaski

Me too, ... or higher up in the local chain of command.

Jerseygirl

I would be on the first flight back to Blighty.



Good luck and take care.

Pulaski

At which point you would have lost pretty much any chance you had of gaining any control whatsoever over the rest of the situation. I.e. you would have to be prepared to lose pretty much all your financial investment in the marriage.

Jerseygirl

If she has filed for divorce through a US attorney, can’t the OP liaise with him/her to handle the settlement from the UK?

Lion in Winter

If you have fileld, I'm hoping you will get some redress from the judge in the final settlement, if the courts ends up having to create the settlement. If your State is "equitable settlement" then this may help you. I'm not an attorney though - can yours help you?

Do report him higher up the military chain of command.

Please be safe. That comes first.

G00dByeGirl

I visited with 4 attorneys before I settled on who I felt good about. Of course I made sure my attorney could represent me, I'm trying to get back to the UK asap. I'm also arranging power of attorney.

He will be advised early this week that I've filed and I've gone about things in a way that I hope will diffuse the situation and reduce his anger. Notice I said reduce, I know he'll still flip out. He seems to think that because he wanted the divorce, he has the right to file first.

I've got to meet with my attorney after he's told, and possibly again. It all depends on her ability to negotiate an agreement without me having to go before a judge. I'm told 90% of divorce cases are settled out of court.

I'm hoping to be on a plane in the next 2 weeks. I've heard back from HMRC on my TOR, and they do want an inventory of everything I'm bringing into the UK, plus confirmation from the person I'm staying with - proof of residence and confirmation that living arrangements have been agreed.

As for what happened, I am visiting the family advocacy centre on base to talk about a formal complaint. I did initially consider finding out who his commander is, but was wary. His First Sgt and boss support him, for all I know his commander may too. And by that I mean the commander may applaud their actions. The family advocacy centre were not happy at all, and they have called me in.

I have no doubt that my ex is telling all and sundry that I'm a psychotic nut job.

Pulaski

Once things on on the right tracks, yes, but having just had your home raided and stripped, and the ink not yet dry on the initial divorce filing, you would be leaving a lot on trust for other people to manage for you if you jumped on "the first flight back to Blighty."