Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
Aug 7th 2019, 8:41 pm
#151
SUPER MODERATOR
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 88,017
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
MMcD What a lovely, lovely post, thank you. I've read it quite a few times now and each time your words lift my spirits. Having been knocked sideways by the many different ways divorce has invaded my life, it has been heart lifting to come on here and read such fantastic support and encouragement.
And boy, do I need a fairy godmother.
I'm back in the UK and trying to get on my feet. I've discovered that 4 years away means getting a contract of any kind - mobile, car insurance just for starters - is not easy and there's additional costs for being out of the country.
My living arrangements are temporary, with family and lets just say I'm biting my tongue, counting to ten and trying to focus on gratitude for what I do have.
Still no word from my attorney on the settlement, it's been 3 weeks now.
And boy, do I need a fairy godmother.
I'm back in the UK and trying to get on my feet. I've discovered that 4 years away means getting a contract of any kind - mobile, car insurance just for starters - is not easy and there's additional costs for being out of the country.
My living arrangements are temporary, with family and lets just say I'm biting my tongue, counting to ten and trying to focus on gratitude for what I do have.
Still no word from my attorney on the settlement, it's been 3 weeks now.
Thanks for taking the time to let us know you have arrived home safe and sound.
Aug 7th 2019, 9:15 pm
#152
Deep in the woods of CT
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 7,002
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
MMcD What a lovely, lovely post, thank you. I've read it quite a few times now and each time your words lift my spirits. Having been knocked sideways by the many different ways divorce has invaded my life, it has been heart lifting to come on here and read such fantastic support and encouragement.
And boy, do I need a fairy godmother.
I'm back in the UK and trying to get on my feet. I've discovered that 4 years away means getting a contract of any kind - mobile, car insurance just for starters - is not easy and there's additional costs for being out of the country.
My living arrangements are temporary, with family and lets just say I'm biting my tongue, counting to ten and trying to focus on gratitude for what I do have.
Still no word from my attorney on the settlement, it's been 3 weeks now.
And boy, do I need a fairy godmother.
I'm back in the UK and trying to get on my feet. I've discovered that 4 years away means getting a contract of any kind - mobile, car insurance just for starters - is not easy and there's additional costs for being out of the country.
My living arrangements are temporary, with family and lets just say I'm biting my tongue, counting to ten and trying to focus on gratitude for what I do have.
Still no word from my attorney on the settlement, it's been 3 weeks now.
Aug 7th 2019, 10:09 pm
#153
Account Closed
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 0
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
Glad your home safe.
MMcD What a lovely, lovely post, thank you. I've read it quite a few times now and each time your words lift my spirits. Having been knocked sideways by the many different ways divorce has invaded my life, it has been heart lifting to come on here and read such fantastic support and encouragement.
And boy, do I need a fairy godmother.
I'm back in the UK and trying to get on my feet. I've discovered that 4 years away means getting a contract of any kind - mobile, car insurance just for starters - is not easy and there's additional costs for being out of the country.
My living arrangements are temporary, with family and lets just say I'm biting my tongue, counting to ten and trying to focus on gratitude for what I do have.
Still no word from my attorney on the settlement, it's been 3 weeks now.
And boy, do I need a fairy godmother.
I'm back in the UK and trying to get on my feet. I've discovered that 4 years away means getting a contract of any kind - mobile, car insurance just for starters - is not easy and there's additional costs for being out of the country.
My living arrangements are temporary, with family and lets just say I'm biting my tongue, counting to ten and trying to focus on gratitude for what I do have.
Still no word from my attorney on the settlement, it's been 3 weeks now.
Aug 8th 2019, 3:09 am
#154
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Apr 2010
Posts: 1,157
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
G00dByeGirl Thanks so much for letting us know you made it!
I'm sure being back isn't the shining paradise it must have seemed from afar. But try to remember the huge and fundamental steps that it represents: you are out of his grasp (and any influence of his cronies) and he doesn't even know where to direct his outrageous vitriol. Underneath the red tape and tedious family affairs, remember that that there is solid ground underneath your feet. And every breath you take takes you further away from the worst of it. And don't forget to breathe! I'm sure in recent times it felt like you couldn't.
Perhaps you could have a browse of UK-Yankee, to get the perspective of new UK arrivals? Sometimes I read the Oz forum on BE (I'm Australian) and have a bit of a titter at how alien they find the local customs. Perhaps it will help you remember how much it feels like home, warts and all?
Whatever the case, well done on your first steps. Make sure you look after yourself (eat well, go for walks). The rest will come with time
I'm sure being back isn't the shining paradise it must have seemed from afar. But try to remember the huge and fundamental steps that it represents: you are out of his grasp (and any influence of his cronies) and he doesn't even know where to direct his outrageous vitriol. Underneath the red tape and tedious family affairs, remember that that there is solid ground underneath your feet. And every breath you take takes you further away from the worst of it. And don't forget to breathe! I'm sure in recent times it felt like you couldn't.
Perhaps you could have a browse of UK-Yankee, to get the perspective of new UK arrivals? Sometimes I read the Oz forum on BE (I'm Australian) and have a bit of a titter at how alien they find the local customs. Perhaps it will help you remember how much it feels like home, warts and all?
Whatever the case, well done on your first steps. Make sure you look after yourself (eat well, go for walks). The rest will come with time
Aug 8th 2019, 5:54 pm
#155
BE Enthusiast
Joined: May 2012
Location: Nebraska by the Sea
Posts: 987
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
G00dByeGirl Thanks so much for letting us know you made it!
I'm sure being back isn't the shining paradise it must have seemed from afar. But try to remember the huge and fundamental steps that it represents: you are out of his grasp (and any influence of his cronies) and he doesn't even know where to direct his outrageous vitriol. Underneath the red tape and tedious family affairs, remember that that there is solid ground underneath your feet. And every breath you take takes you further away from the worst of it. And don't forget to breathe! I'm sure in recent times it felt like you couldn't.
Perhaps you could have a browse of UK-Yankee, to get the perspective of new UK arrivals? Sometimes I read the Oz forum on BE (I'm Australian) and have a bit of a titter at how alien they find the local customs. Perhaps it will help you remember how much it feels like home, warts and all?
Whatever the case, well done on your first steps. Make sure you look after yourself (eat well, go for walks). The rest will come with time
I'm sure being back isn't the shining paradise it must have seemed from afar. But try to remember the huge and fundamental steps that it represents: you are out of his grasp (and any influence of his cronies) and he doesn't even know where to direct his outrageous vitriol. Underneath the red tape and tedious family affairs, remember that that there is solid ground underneath your feet. And every breath you take takes you further away from the worst of it. And don't forget to breathe! I'm sure in recent times it felt like you couldn't.
Perhaps you could have a browse of UK-Yankee, to get the perspective of new UK arrivals? Sometimes I read the Oz forum on BE (I'm Australian) and have a bit of a titter at how alien they find the local customs. Perhaps it will help you remember how much it feels like home, warts and all?
Whatever the case, well done on your first steps. Make sure you look after yourself (eat well, go for walks). The rest will come with time
Aug 9th 2019, 5:11 pm
#156
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: "LA LA Land"
Posts: 2,447
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
boy, do I need a fairy godmother.
I'm back in the UK and trying to get on my feet. I've discovered that 4 years away means getting a contract of any kind - mobile, car insurance just for starters - is not easy and there's additional costs for being out of the country.
My living arrangements are temporary, with family and lets just say I'm biting my tongue, counting to ten and trying to focus on gratitude for what I do have.
Still no word from my attorney on the settlement, it's been 3 weeks now.
I'm back in the UK and trying to get on my feet. I've discovered that 4 years away means getting a contract of any kind - mobile, car insurance just for starters - is not easy and there's additional costs for being out of the country.
My living arrangements are temporary, with family and lets just say I'm biting my tongue, counting to ten and trying to focus on gratitude for what I do have.
Still no word from my attorney on the settlement, it's been 3 weeks now.
It's a relief to know you're physically safe. No more fretting over bolts 'n locks. Or assaults from outrageous stratagems
Whew!......
The lurking threat now is psychological. It's a danger of allowing contention over the Settlement (Dis)Agreement to undermine or distract you.
Even if, at worst, divorce law in the so-called "equitable" State of Kansas results in a dis-equitable outcome - you need not allow yourself to become victimised by the eventual Settlement !
You're in control of how you determine to think and feel about what ensues.
Victimhood is a choice
YOU are the sole author of the new chapter in this tome.
(What's come before is but prologue)
As such - You can decide that it's protagonist will emerge a hero(ine)!
Now, on another note...it seems a little diversion is in order, so...time out:
How about indulging yourself this weekend?
You've more than earned it.
You deserve it..
What about doing something utterly frivolous?
Something that will make you feel great and beautiful and brilliant and valuable and just utterly god-damned FABULOUS.
Even if you "can't afford it"... Do it anyway! or Buy it anyway.! Whatever races your motor....Reward yourself with the gift of pleasure.
And Laugh. Long and Loud
When was the last time you've done any of that?
Go for it.... the "fairy god-mother" you mention...her wand is in your hands
Aug 9th 2019, 5:15 pm
#157
SUPER MODERATOR
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 88,017
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
Bravo for successfully extricating yourself from the hell-hole your Kansas existence had become.
It's a relief to know you're physically safe. No more fretting over bolts 'n locks. Or assaults from outrageous stratagems
Whew!......
The lurking threat now is psychological. It's a danger of allowing contention over the Settlement (Dis)Agreement to undermine or distract you.
Even if, at worst, divorce law in the so-called "equitable" State of Kansas results in a dis-equitable outcome - you need not allow yourself to become victimised by the eventual Settlement !
You're in control of how you determine to think and feel about what ensues.
Victimhood is a choice
YOU are the sole author of the new chapter in this tome.
(What's come before is but prologue)
As such - You can decide that it's protagonist will emerge a hero(ine)!
Now, on another note...it seems a little diversion is in order, so...time out:
How about indulging yourself this weekend?
You've more than earned it.
You deserve it..
What about doing something utterly frivolous?
Something that will make you feel great and beautiful and brilliant and valuable and just utterly god-damned FABULOUS.
Even if you "can't afford it"... Do it anyway! or Buy it anyway.! Whatever races your motor....Reward yourself with the gift of pleasure.
And Laugh. Long and Loud
When was the last time you've done any of that?
Go for it.... the "fairy god-mother" you mention...her wand is in your hands
It's a relief to know you're physically safe. No more fretting over bolts 'n locks. Or assaults from outrageous stratagems
Whew!......
The lurking threat now is psychological. It's a danger of allowing contention over the Settlement (Dis)Agreement to undermine or distract you.
Even if, at worst, divorce law in the so-called "equitable" State of Kansas results in a dis-equitable outcome - you need not allow yourself to become victimised by the eventual Settlement !
You're in control of how you determine to think and feel about what ensues.
Victimhood is a choice
YOU are the sole author of the new chapter in this tome.
(What's come before is but prologue)
As such - You can decide that it's protagonist will emerge a hero(ine)!
Now, on another note...it seems a little diversion is in order, so...time out:
How about indulging yourself this weekend?
You've more than earned it.
You deserve it..
What about doing something utterly frivolous?
Something that will make you feel great and beautiful and brilliant and valuable and just utterly god-damned FABULOUS.
Even if you "can't afford it"... Do it anyway! or Buy it anyway.! Whatever races your motor....Reward yourself with the gift of pleasure.
And Laugh. Long and Loud
When was the last time you've done any of that?
Go for it.... the "fairy god-mother" you mention...her wand is in your hands
Wow...just wow. Another fantabulous post.
Aug 9th 2019, 6:01 pm
#158
Turning into a PA gal!
Joined: Feb 2013
Location: State College PA, finally!
Posts: 3,563
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
How about indulging yourself this weekend?
You've more than earned it.
You deserve it..
What about doing something utterly frivolous?
Something that will make you feel great and beautiful and brilliant and valuable and just utterly god-damned FABULOUS.
Even if you "can't afford it"... Do it anyway! or Buy it anyway.! Whatever races your motor....Reward yourself with the gift of pleasure.
And Laugh. Long and Loud
When was the last time you've done any of that?
Go for it.... the "fairy god-mother" you mention...her wand is in your hands
You've more than earned it.
You deserve it..
What about doing something utterly frivolous?
Something that will make you feel great and beautiful and brilliant and valuable and just utterly god-damned FABULOUS.
Even if you "can't afford it"... Do it anyway! or Buy it anyway.! Whatever races your motor....Reward yourself with the gift of pleasure.
And Laugh. Long and Loud
When was the last time you've done any of that?
Go for it.... the "fairy god-mother" you mention...her wand is in your hands
A pack of your favourite cornettos.
An afternoon in the countryside where you spend at least a few minutes looking up at the clouds deciding what animals they look like.
A bubble bath with a glass of wine, a trashy paperback (so if you drop it in the bath you are not heartbroken) and the bathroom door locked.
A whole box/bucket of Maltesers to yourself.
Remember to put yourself first some of the time!
Aug 19th 2019, 1:09 pm
#159
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 36
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
Oh, what lovely thoughts and suggestions! Thank you.
I was in two minds about posting an update, as I want to be positive, but the reality is a different story.
Nothing has been easy. I wasn't expecting easy and I also didn't venture too far into the nuts and bolts of setting up life again in the UK. I think if I'd found out what I know now, I may not have found the strength to return.
Not having a UK address for at least 6-months has been at the route of my biggest problems. I've managed to get squared away now with a UK mobile contract (Giffgaff) and have bought a used car. I had to pay more, about double in insurance and went through a site for expats to get the best quote.
But everything, just everything is fraught with roadblocks. I'm battling through but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't talking its toll.
As for the divorce, there's been no news in nearly 4.5 weeks. Needless to say, that's a stressor.
I have been able to walk quite a bit, which has been nice as you can't really walk anywhere in Kansas. And I've been getting the bus places while I wait for my car to be ready. I try to pat myself on the back each time I overcome an obstacle but there are so many.
There's absolutely no direct contact between me and my ex, and in a way, I'm glad there is a PFA in place to stop me from telling him what I think. Life is very hard, and I am nowhere close to rising out of the ashes. I'm not one for blame, and I don't want to be angry and bitter, but... boy, I don't know how he can look in the mirror. He's debt free, got his job, our dog and cat, his beloved truck, a home, his friends, family, well his network is intact and me?
I am living with family and don't have a room of my own, so no privacy whatsoever. Remember what I was saying about things not being easy? I'm sure you can imagine.
Rebuilding is tough, job hunting is tough, getting back on my feet is tough. I'm hanging in. MMcD posts such lovely things, I might need to ask if they are available for therapy services.
Thanks to who posted the link for the UK-Yankee site!
I was in two minds about posting an update, as I want to be positive, but the reality is a different story.
Nothing has been easy. I wasn't expecting easy and I also didn't venture too far into the nuts and bolts of setting up life again in the UK. I think if I'd found out what I know now, I may not have found the strength to return.
Not having a UK address for at least 6-months has been at the route of my biggest problems. I've managed to get squared away now with a UK mobile contract (Giffgaff) and have bought a used car. I had to pay more, about double in insurance and went through a site for expats to get the best quote.
But everything, just everything is fraught with roadblocks. I'm battling through but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't talking its toll.
As for the divorce, there's been no news in nearly 4.5 weeks. Needless to say, that's a stressor.
I have been able to walk quite a bit, which has been nice as you can't really walk anywhere in Kansas. And I've been getting the bus places while I wait for my car to be ready. I try to pat myself on the back each time I overcome an obstacle but there are so many.
There's absolutely no direct contact between me and my ex, and in a way, I'm glad there is a PFA in place to stop me from telling him what I think. Life is very hard, and I am nowhere close to rising out of the ashes. I'm not one for blame, and I don't want to be angry and bitter, but... boy, I don't know how he can look in the mirror. He's debt free, got his job, our dog and cat, his beloved truck, a home, his friends, family, well his network is intact and me?
I am living with family and don't have a room of my own, so no privacy whatsoever. Remember what I was saying about things not being easy? I'm sure you can imagine.
Rebuilding is tough, job hunting is tough, getting back on my feet is tough. I'm hanging in. MMcD posts such lovely things, I might need to ask if they are available for therapy services.
Thanks to who posted the link for the UK-Yankee site!
Last edited by G00dByeGirl; Aug 19th 2019 at 1:24 pm.
Aug 20th 2019, 12:35 am
#160
Account Closed
Joined: Oct 2003
Posts: 0
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
Oh, what lovely thoughts and suggestions! Thank you.
I was in two minds about posting an update, as I want to be positive, but the reality is a different story.
Nothing has been easy. I wasn't expecting easy and I also didn't venture too far into the nuts and bolts of setting up life again in the UK. I think if I'd found out what I know now, I may not have found the strength to return.
Not having a UK address for at least 6-months has been at the route of my biggest problems. I've managed to get squared away now with a UK mobile contract (Giffgaff) and have bought a used car. I had to pay more, about double in insurance and went through a site for expats to get the best quote.
But everything, just everything is fraught with roadblocks. I'm battling through but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't talking its toll.
As for the divorce, there's been no news in nearly 4.5 weeks. Needless to say, that's a stressor.
I have been able to walk quite a bit, which has been nice as you can't really walk anywhere in Kansas. And I've been getting the bus places while I wait for my car to be ready. I try to pat myself on the back each time I overcome an obstacle but there are so many.
There's absolutely no direct contact between me and my ex, and in a way, I'm glad there is a PFA in place to stop me from telling him what I think. Life is very hard, and I am nowhere close to rising out of the ashes. I'm not one for blame, and I don't want to be angry and bitter, but... boy, I don't know how he can look in the mirror. He's debt free, got his job, our dog and cat, his beloved truck, a home, his friends, family, well his network is intact and me?
I am living with family and don't have a room of my own, so no privacy whatsoever. Remember what I was saying about things not being easy? I'm sure you can imagine.
Rebuilding is tough, job hunting is tough, getting back on my feet is tough. I'm hanging in. MMcD posts such lovely things, I might need to ask if they are available for therapy services.
Thanks to who posted the link for the UK-Yankee site!
I was in two minds about posting an update, as I want to be positive, but the reality is a different story.
Nothing has been easy. I wasn't expecting easy and I also didn't venture too far into the nuts and bolts of setting up life again in the UK. I think if I'd found out what I know now, I may not have found the strength to return.
Not having a UK address for at least 6-months has been at the route of my biggest problems. I've managed to get squared away now with a UK mobile contract (Giffgaff) and have bought a used car. I had to pay more, about double in insurance and went through a site for expats to get the best quote.
But everything, just everything is fraught with roadblocks. I'm battling through but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't talking its toll.
As for the divorce, there's been no news in nearly 4.5 weeks. Needless to say, that's a stressor.
I have been able to walk quite a bit, which has been nice as you can't really walk anywhere in Kansas. And I've been getting the bus places while I wait for my car to be ready. I try to pat myself on the back each time I overcome an obstacle but there are so many.
There's absolutely no direct contact between me and my ex, and in a way, I'm glad there is a PFA in place to stop me from telling him what I think. Life is very hard, and I am nowhere close to rising out of the ashes. I'm not one for blame, and I don't want to be angry and bitter, but... boy, I don't know how he can look in the mirror. He's debt free, got his job, our dog and cat, his beloved truck, a home, his friends, family, well his network is intact and me?
I am living with family and don't have a room of my own, so no privacy whatsoever. Remember what I was saying about things not being easy? I'm sure you can imagine.
Rebuilding is tough, job hunting is tough, getting back on my feet is tough. I'm hanging in. MMcD posts such lovely things, I might need to ask if they are available for therapy services.
Thanks to who posted the link for the UK-Yankee site!
I found out years ago that sometimes it seems anything and everything seems to hit you all at one time and suddenly you are out of your safe zone and fighting to make the right decisions to keep your head above water. Try not to lose your determination and your self esteem. You are not to blame for this situation . It may take some time, it will definitely take some energy but there is always a light at the end of the tunnel. It might just be a glimmer right now but it will shine again in time. Be kind to yourself and stay strong.
Aug 20th 2019, 1:42 am
#161
Austin. TX.
Joined: Sep 2013
Posts: 5,930
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
I have also followed your posts and have been in total awe of the dignity and resilience you have shown in the face of such utter awfulness.
My divorce lawyer told me to put a big red cross on the calendar in 6 months time and then one year's time - she said that in 6 months you will be feeling so much better and be on the path to recovering, in 1 year's time you will be so much happier and well on the way in your new life. She was right. Seeing that first cross on the calendar got me through those first six months and then the next 6 months and so on.
Keep on going and know that every teeny, tiny step forward is another one towards freedom and peace.
Big big hugs.
BTW if you are anywhere near Banbury, my best friend rents out rooms in her beautiful house and I think you and she would have a lot to talk about....
My divorce lawyer told me to put a big red cross on the calendar in 6 months time and then one year's time - she said that in 6 months you will be feeling so much better and be on the path to recovering, in 1 year's time you will be so much happier and well on the way in your new life. She was right. Seeing that first cross on the calendar got me through those first six months and then the next 6 months and so on.
Keep on going and know that every teeny, tiny step forward is another one towards freedom and peace.
Big big hugs.
BTW if you are anywhere near Banbury, my best friend rents out rooms in her beautiful house and I think you and she would have a lot to talk about....
Aug 20th 2019, 7:42 am
#162
Forum Regular
Thread Starter
Joined: Jun 2019
Posts: 36
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
Thank you so much, I can't tell you how much your encouraging words mean to me. My family aren't describing me as 'strong, courageous, or having dignity or resilience', they are mad with me for leaving in the first place, have no real desire to understand what my life was like in the States, and are more of the 'blame, fault and accepting the consequences of your actions' variety of people. It matters as I have to be around them a lot, which is reminding me of my life pre-marriage and move to America.
There's a long road ahead with every single aspect of my life, which is a peculiar position to be in. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but I sometimes wonder if we aren't cut from a different cloth. I hope this experience is teaching me to be more compassionate. I will think twice before telling anyone my views on legal matters if I'm not 100% certain of the law in relation to their situation, but more than that, I have discovered the importance of listening and validating what someone is saying. There's no room for judgement.
I hope I never lose sight of respecting that the person in crisis is the one having to deal with the reality of being left - no money, the sudden loss of 'friends', the ill-health, heartache, stress, pain, despair - and in this less than strong position, having to make the choice to sink or swim.
I'm struggling to make sense of my story and I can't wrap it up in a little bow with a definition of what happened and why. I'm not sure that'll ever happen and I do think there's strength in letting that go and focusing on the future. Of course, that's not where my head's at. I don't think he ever loved me. When I look back I see things differently and with a crushing laser like precision, my eyes are now open to what he showed me. 'I love you' was said a bit like wishing someone a good day, his actions told the truth. He showed me every day that he didn't respect or love me but I kept hanging in. Kept looking for help, kept trying to make things work.
After 6.5 years of long distance and hopping across the channel every few months, he finally got what he thought he wanted and then discovered I wasn't it. Be careful what you wish for, eh?
And before things becomes all about him, which is how I feel about the breakup - his choice and me having to deal with the life changing ramifications of the fallout - what about how I feel? I discovered a much angrier person than I realised, and someone whose values didn't sit well with my own. I went headlong into marriage believing we were finally going to get our chance at building a life together, only to realise that we had very different ideas about what that looked like.
He fully expected me to slot right into his existing life, and that being married wouldn't change much for him. I wanted to share time, he didn't. I wanted for us to be each other's #1 but I barely made his top 10. I couldn't understand his approach to adulting and managing a home, a life together. Needless to say, my communication skills were not ready for this kind of challenge and didn't know how to express myself well.
Anyway, this post is really to say a heartfelt thanks for reminding me that not everyone sees me in a bad light. Than you for your kind words, means so much.
There's a long road ahead with every single aspect of my life, which is a peculiar position to be in. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly, but I sometimes wonder if we aren't cut from a different cloth. I hope this experience is teaching me to be more compassionate. I will think twice before telling anyone my views on legal matters if I'm not 100% certain of the law in relation to their situation, but more than that, I have discovered the importance of listening and validating what someone is saying. There's no room for judgement.
I hope I never lose sight of respecting that the person in crisis is the one having to deal with the reality of being left - no money, the sudden loss of 'friends', the ill-health, heartache, stress, pain, despair - and in this less than strong position, having to make the choice to sink or swim.
I'm struggling to make sense of my story and I can't wrap it up in a little bow with a definition of what happened and why. I'm not sure that'll ever happen and I do think there's strength in letting that go and focusing on the future. Of course, that's not where my head's at. I don't think he ever loved me. When I look back I see things differently and with a crushing laser like precision, my eyes are now open to what he showed me. 'I love you' was said a bit like wishing someone a good day, his actions told the truth. He showed me every day that he didn't respect or love me but I kept hanging in. Kept looking for help, kept trying to make things work.
After 6.5 years of long distance and hopping across the channel every few months, he finally got what he thought he wanted and then discovered I wasn't it. Be careful what you wish for, eh?
And before things becomes all about him, which is how I feel about the breakup - his choice and me having to deal with the life changing ramifications of the fallout - what about how I feel? I discovered a much angrier person than I realised, and someone whose values didn't sit well with my own. I went headlong into marriage believing we were finally going to get our chance at building a life together, only to realise that we had very different ideas about what that looked like.
He fully expected me to slot right into his existing life, and that being married wouldn't change much for him. I wanted to share time, he didn't. I wanted for us to be each other's #1 but I barely made his top 10. I couldn't understand his approach to adulting and managing a home, a life together. Needless to say, my communication skills were not ready for this kind of challenge and didn't know how to express myself well.
Anyway, this post is really to say a heartfelt thanks for reminding me that not everyone sees me in a bad light. Than you for your kind words, means so much.
Aug 20th 2019, 2:05 pm
#163
Deep in the woods of CT
Joined: Feb 2010
Posts: 7,002
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
I have picked out one line from your wonderful post -- to stress that even though you may have trouble putting this nightmare into the spoken word, you do express yourself perfectly on paper. So my suggestion: write, write, write! Craft your feelings and new-found knowledge into an essay, a diary, anything that ensures that you don't bottle this up. I think you have an important story to tell and the ability to tell it -- with perhaps a new career as an essayist! As always, all the best to you, stay strong.
Aug 20th 2019, 6:42 pm
#164
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: "LA LA Land"
Posts: 2,447
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
Oh, what lovely thoughts and suggestions! Thank you.
I was in two minds about posting an update, as I want to be positive, but the reality is a different story.
Nothing has been easy. I wasn't expecting easy and I also didn't venture too far into the nuts and bolts of setting up life again in the UK. I think if I'd found out what I know now, I may not have found the strength to return.
Not having a UK address for at least 6-months has been at the route of my biggest problems. I've managed to get squared away now with a UK mobile contract (Giffgaff) and have bought a used car. I had to pay more, about double in insurance and went through a site for expats to get the best quote.
But everything, just everything is fraught with roadblocks. I'm battling through but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't talking its toll.
As for the divorce, there's been no news in nearly 4.5 weeks. Needless to say, that's a stressor.
I have been able to walk quite a bit, which has been nice as you can't really walk anywhere in Kansas. And I've been getting the bus places while I wait for my car to be ready. I try to pat myself on the back each time I overcome an obstacle but there are so many.
There's absolutely no direct contact between me and my ex, and in a way, I'm glad there is a PFA in place to stop me from telling him what I think. Life is very hard, and I am nowhere close to rising out of the ashes. I'm not one for blame, and I don't want to be angry and bitter, but... boy, I don't know how he can look in the mirror. He's debt free, got his job, our dog and cat, his beloved truck, a home, his friends, family, well his network is intact and me?
I am living with family and don't have a room of my own, so no privacy whatsoever. Remember what I was saying about things not being easy? I'm sure you can imagine.
Rebuilding is tough, job hunting is tough, getting back on my feet is tough. I'm hanging in. MMcD posts such lovely things, I might need to ask if they are available for therapy services.
Thanks to who posted the link for the UK-Yankee site!
I was in two minds about posting an update, as I want to be positive, but the reality is a different story.
Nothing has been easy. I wasn't expecting easy and I also didn't venture too far into the nuts and bolts of setting up life again in the UK. I think if I'd found out what I know now, I may not have found the strength to return.
Not having a UK address for at least 6-months has been at the route of my biggest problems. I've managed to get squared away now with a UK mobile contract (Giffgaff) and have bought a used car. I had to pay more, about double in insurance and went through a site for expats to get the best quote.
But everything, just everything is fraught with roadblocks. I'm battling through but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't talking its toll.
As for the divorce, there's been no news in nearly 4.5 weeks. Needless to say, that's a stressor.
I have been able to walk quite a bit, which has been nice as you can't really walk anywhere in Kansas. And I've been getting the bus places while I wait for my car to be ready. I try to pat myself on the back each time I overcome an obstacle but there are so many.
There's absolutely no direct contact between me and my ex, and in a way, I'm glad there is a PFA in place to stop me from telling him what I think. Life is very hard, and I am nowhere close to rising out of the ashes. I'm not one for blame, and I don't want to be angry and bitter, but... boy, I don't know how he can look in the mirror. He's debt free, got his job, our dog and cat, his beloved truck, a home, his friends, family, well his network is intact and me?
I am living with family and don't have a room of my own, so no privacy whatsoever. Remember what I was saying about things not being easy? I'm sure you can imagine.
Rebuilding is tough, job hunting is tough, getting back on my feet is tough. I'm hanging in. MMcD posts such lovely things, I might need to ask if they are available for therapy services.
Thanks to who posted the link for the UK-Yankee site!
Try to find some privacy somehow, somewhere, even if it’s just behind a tree in a park.
Once you’ve done that:
1) Listen to this (1st video)…
2) Then… listen again while reading the lyrics (2nd video)…
3) Finally, surrender yourself: lie back, close your eyes, unclench your jaw, and …”Play it Sam” …. again
Nina sings (y)our truth
Remember it, let it be your mantle - so perhaps, whenever you feel yourself faltering - it might rekindle your resolve and your determination
Be. Fierce. Girl!
Note: Didn’t have time to find the videos / send this yesterday.
Wrote it before I reading your last post this morning….This quote from that LAST post :"with no money, the sudden loss of 'friends', the ill-health, heartache, stress, pain, despair - and in this less than strong position, having to make the choice to sink or swim."...make these videos even more relevant:
More on your distressing new revelation later
Last edited by MMcD; Aug 20th 2019 at 6:47 pm. Reason: video did not embed
Aug 20th 2019, 7:53 pm
#165
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Oct 2011
Location: "LA LA Land"
Posts: 2,447
Re: Divorce and UK pre-marriage assets... Help!
I have picked out one line from your wonderful post -- to stress that even though you may have trouble putting this nightmare into the spoken word, you do express yourself perfectly on paper. So my suggestion: write, write, write! Craft your feelings and new-found knowledge into an essay, a diary, anything that ensures that you don't bottle this up. I think you have an important story to tell and the ability to tell it -- with perhaps a new career as an essayist! As always, all the best to you, stay strong.
In fact - I posted exactly that in several of my early messages in this thread - to one of which GBG replied that, in fact, she is a journalist!
I'm captivated by her unique ability to combine a spare, unembellished, objective clarity with a profoundly emotional undercurrent.
I think she may be unaware of how very special her manner of expression is.
There would be profound karmic delight if she were able to rescue and ultimately free herself from the boa constrictor grip of her plight by channelling it into a creative manifestation.
By employing her considerable writing talent to mold the mess into a piece of writing that made all she's experienced (at least, in some small way) worth the excruciating pain and also resulted in a financial windfall, GBG would become the PHOENIX arisen from the "ashes" , to which she refers in her last post.
Hey...OP...are you out there? Whaddya say?
I'd place my Amazon pre-publication order NOW!