retzie

Here are two for you to try out: "abusive spouse" and from the sounds of it, possibly "a textbook narcissist". Have a read around here to see if anything catches your eye: Out of the Fog.

As for everything else: you are at the famous 'rock bottom' right now. But you know what? That means that all directions are up from here! Things aren't going to keep getting worse. Maybe there will be salvos from afar, but they will be *from afar* and not blind-side you like the original. And things in your immediate vicinity might be a bit shit, but you will only build your strength and independence. Have you got some kind of plan for getting your own space? Even if it is long-term, I think it will do you the world of good to acknowledge that ~this~ is not forever.

When I found myself in a very unstable situation in my early days in the US, my mantra was "something will happen". Because it will: you will not be stuck in limbo forever. You have just been through a trauma and need time to heal and regroup. Think of yourself as being stuck in a hospital bed with a broken leg strung up. It is uncomfortable and painful and boring and full of "why didn't I just not break my f#$%ing leg!". But it is safety. And it is the first, unavoidable, post-trauma stage that marks the beginning of your recovery.

(I know the absence of a hospital bed is hampering your family's ability to understand how much you have been through. But on the bright side, you don't actually have a broken leg )

Keep going for walks. Maybe try 'Couch to 5K'? Either way, you can do eet!

retzie

Hey G00dByeGirl , I don't know if you are still around these parts, but I thought of this thread the other day and wondered how you were doing. I hope you are getting back on your feet in Blighty.

I imagine at this point that things might have kicked off, divorce-wise, so I just wanted to let you know there are good vibes heading across the pond as well

Dorothy

Isn't that funny!? I was thinking about her today as well. I do hope being back home is working out and that she's finding her happiness again.

MMcD

I'm so glad you reached out to GBG...
FWIW - I have reason to be extremely concerned about her well-being.
But what can we do - other than continue to send her our ongoing concern and support - from time to time......
Grim

G00dByeGirl

Hello - sorry to worry everybody, I'm still here and just about hanging on. I've come back to this thread so many times to post, but lost the will as things aren't so good. But I was touched to hear from you guys, so if you can, brace yourselves for an update. Here it is.

Where do I start?

I didn't hear from my attorney for around 3-months. I mailed and called every week but couldn't get a response despite leaving message upon message. When I did hear back, I was thrown at the complete lack of legal counsel offered on the response to my settlement offer. Not only are we going backwards, it seems my attorney doesn't have any recollection of my position or the mountain of evidence she'd asked for proving my receipts. I'm very disheartened.

He is trashing my name to all and sundry and wants to contest the divorce on grounds of 'incompatibility' as he believes he'll get away with not having to pay a bean as he's been 'physically abused' for the entire marriage. He seems to think his temporary PFA (restraining order) against me can be kept on hold until the settlement, as if this is some kind of proof of the torture he's endured. Poor lamb.

So this military man is really giving me a run for my money in the creative stakes - and I'm the one who's meant to be the professional writer! He's 6' 4 and I'm 5' 2 (almost) and have lost so much weight I resemble a tooth pick. I must be ninja like in my murderous ways, as there's never been a mark on him. And more seriously, who out of the two of us do you think is the trained killer?

Because I hear so little about the divorce, it's quite a shock and reality check when I do get news, and it's always of the bad kind. I'm hit in the gut all over again by how little he cared for me. And he clearly cares nothing for me now (if he ever really did at all).

As for rebuilding my life, it's incredibly tough. I am facing homelessness at Christmas, I can't quite believe my life has come to this. How I wish I could tell you how things are on the up, but the reality is, despite the effort, I am sinking.

I know you are all routing for me, so I am so sorry this post isn't more positive.

retzie

Oh love, I'm sorry to hear that things are so rough. But you HAVE made progress! You were in the 'totally unknown' phase of the divorce before. Yes, now it's messy and awful and spiteful, but you're through the first responses and know how he's choosing to 'play' it. So the big unknown is done with. Sure, you have the painful plodding part now, but you will deal with that one step at a time.

I don't mean to be internet doctor (but I am on the internet and I am a doctor ) but he really does sound like a narcissist. I have had two friends with experiences that sound eerily familiar: operator-level military, threats of extreme retaliation, claims of victimhood. Also with the outrageous physical advantage. If you don't have the means for professional help right now, perhaps you can find some support in the literature and/or forums for narcissistic personality disorder? As for his absurd propaganda: I promise that one day you will laugh. The people who listen to him are not worth an ounce of your time; the ones that matter will ask for your side.

I have this image of him as a runaway locomotive that you managed to uncouple yourself from before he took you over a cliff. Whatever damage he has done, and however long it takes you to right yourself onto your own tracks, you are NOT bound to follow him. He is steaming off into the distance in his blaze of 'glory' (which just amounts to a bunch of noise and him looking like a twat...)

I know you have serious financial considerations wrapped up in the divorce, but remember that the settlement is not the only source of money in the world. You didn't mention work -- any chance of any toeholds there? Even some freelance work will knock his hold on you down a peg. Remember that regaining and maintaining your own well-being will be 'winning', whether the divorce settlement goes your way or not.

All of this is very slow, but don't forget the tiny daily things you can do to look after yourself. Walks. Tiny nutritious snacks (I am a stress non-eater as well). And if you haven't already, please look into any independent support that you can draw upon. Even if you don't feel comfortable classifying yourself under the 'domestic abuse' umbrella, perhaps such services can help you tap into the secondary resources for helping people get back on their feet?

And remember we're not just here for you to crunch through all this. You can stop in without giving us an update. Or you can just hang out and chat in the Trailer Park/Lounge, if you need some friendly faces
*Not a doctor-doctor, just the silly PhD kind.

Lion in Winter

Are you back in the UK? What is the situation with emergency housing/shelters for abused women where you are?

https://www.crisis.org.uk/get-help/how-to-get-help/

Here too. Nice people.

https://england.shelter.org.uk/get_help

Lion in Winter

Also, it looks as though you could do with some help with a rather shit lawyer.

Try here and explain the situation and see what they advise. You don't really have anything to lose - except your shit lawyer



https://www.kansaslegalservices.org/