vikingsail

I like Gloria but my personal divorce favorite is:
"Hoping for the best but expecting the worst...."

hutchison

G00dByeGirl

I love all the advice and it's lifted my spirits no end that people are willing to give their time, thought and wisdom to my nightmare. Thank you... and yes, I did listen Ms Gaynor a few times. I know that song well, but this is the first time that I've really paid attention to the words.

So first, a warning, long post ahead! I'll break it up though if I can get my thoughts in order.

He tried to have me arrested and thrown in jail. Mercifully I wasn't aware of any of this. It seems that when I made my one and only contact about a domestic issue, he thought the PFA had been served and promptly called the police to put me in jail for being in breach. Words fail me. They couldn't oblige as I hadn't been served and I was oblivious that he'd even raised a PFA. Who on earth did I marry?

The attorney's meeting was difficult, mostly because I am struggling so hard to cope. I did manage to go through my questions and we created a settlement offer which is now with his attorney. One of the hardest parts was seeing my name above his on the document, waiting for our signatures to confirm we are dissolving the marriage. Eleven years and it has come to this. It was so sparse, so final. Just a signature and the dream dies. But I know my dream died a long time ago, no signature needed.

My attorney now has PoA and can sign the final settlement on my behalf. I think I've been fair and reasonable, but it goes without saying that he'll see things differently. My fear is the nasty, revenge acts of retaliation. Everyday I carry a lingering feeling of dread about what's coming my way next.

He's now left me without a penny to live on so I was pleased that my attorney did something about him not paying the temporary spousal support. But I won't get a full payment, and I'll get it after I've gone! Such hassle. I don't want to go through this with any payments that are agreed in the divorce and I feel so much for people who've gone before me that have this issue month-on-month, day-by-day. I sometimes wish I was in the financial position to walk away.

Yesterday I booked my flights home. I'll be leaving in early August. I've made my feelings clear to my attorney, I do not want him to know of my whereabouts or the date the house will be available to him ahead of my departure. From the day I leave, he can simply be told that the house is vacant. Full stop.

Booking the flights was very painful, another solid confirmation that this is really happening. But today my practical side has kicked in and I'm more focused on assigning tasks to my departure timeline.

There is absolutely no contact between me and him, and my attorney has made it clear to his counsel that I do not want contact and there's not been any behaviour whatsoever that would even come close to anything resembling harassment. Privately, I don't use social media and I don't go looking for him. I don't want to see something that's only going to upset me.

As for how I'm doing, I bounce around the 5 stages of grief, wanting so much to land on acceptance and stay there. But there's no short cut to this pain, I have to go through it and it's probably the most overwhelming, agonising and difficult time of my life. When I think of closing my life out here and starting afresh in the UK, all the unknowns come tumbling in, and it's time to hide under the duvet. But somewhere in me, there's some true grit. tn must be there, as despite the hideous mess my life is now, I have kept going.

That counts for something, right?

Lion in Winter

You've taken lots of steps forward, you are getting concrete things done, and you are advancing. The process is worse than after it's done, and what comes next isn't really starting again, it's going on to the next stage of your life with some experiences under your belt - not all of them good, for sure, but experiences none the less and you have proved that you have strength and reslience. As unsatisfactory as this all is, as it now appears it's much better than the two of you actually attempting to spend your lives together. When you are in the UK and back on your feet, things will quickly get easier. Do your best to get whatever money/assets you are entitled to of course, but even if you can't get them it's not the end. I was cleaned out, on $0s, literally, and with a credit card debt left for me to clean up as well (not my charges), my son, and a low-wage job. I did it. You will too. It's all just practical stuff, step by step, so just do one step at a time. Life goes on. Choose from the choices that are available to you, and don't get stuck over the ones that aren't.

Where in the UK are you going to?

Goonergirl

vikingsail

Get out of there as soon as possible. not sure why you are waiting until early August? Every moment you spend there you risk being compelled to stay. He only has to raise spurious charges and you become embroiled. If its a question of $$ for the flights. I think I would pay through the nose so to speak to get out asap - as in this evening.

Dorothy

Agreed. Pack your bags, taxi to the airport with a stop by the post office where you can mail the house keys to your attorney with instructions that they can be returned to your ex now you've left. But do take dated and time stamped photos of the entire house and contents before you go so he can't say you've damaged anything.

G00dByeGirl

My attorney told me to leave it two weeks before leaving, so I'm pushing it as it is. Saying that, I couldn't get a flight in my price range any earlier - how I wish I could afford business class.

The people I'm close to out here are upset at how 'quickly' I'm leaving, but with a week and a half to go, it's getting harder. My anxiety over being here, and then what faces me as I make my fresh start, is hard to keep a lid on.

I'm waiting to hear from my attorney about the response to our settlement offer. Though it is a relief that I don't have to deal with him direct, I can't say I'm looking forward to it. My mind won't rest as I try think through scenarios and how I'll feel.

Thanks to everyone who's shared their painful break up stories and how they survived. Gives me hope. If it'd been me that'd decided to throw in the towel, and my move back to the UK was on my terms, then there's a chance I'd feel more empowered. Or at the least, all that's happening would be at least a bit on my terms. Having my life turned upside down twice in four years at his insistence is making me take a difficult look at myself.

vikingsail

I respect your decision but there is no reason to wait two weeks that I'm aware of unless there is a legal reason to stay? Given what has happened and I'm not trying to create fear but why wait around for something to occur. Based upon your earlier reports, who knows what may occur. I would get out now. I cannot help thinking the attorney is self-interested. The settlement agreement etc can all be dealt with at arm's length from the UK. Sure it would be easier and cleaner for them if you did it while 'in situ' but the risks associated with your unpredictable ex seem to me to make it safer to get out now. Oh and don't be surprised if in the next two weeks you suddenly get correspondence and billing from the attorney.

As I said I would be out of there asap. Changing flights may cost money at this point but I would gently slide away sooner rather than later. I am concerned as to what your ex will do when he 'catch's wind' of the fact you are leaving and although unlikely it is quite possible it may slip out in attorney to attorney chat....

The clarity you will get from being away from the situation geographically I think will be immense.

Lion in Winter

It's all just life experiences. Take them on board and move on, it's all just water under the fridge now (Trailer Park Boys). It's not possible to stage manage one's whole life, and our species is very resilient. Once you have got things going again, this scene will fade.

The way it feels now is not the way it will feel forever. Come back in a year and tell us how you are doing (not saying you should go away until then!)

retzie

Gosh, you have achieved SO MUCH progress since you started this thread. Please take a moment to celebrate your achievements so far. You weren't even clear on how readily you could transport your belongings, and not only are they on their way, but you will be soon too!

I'm glad you have some practicalities to sink your teeth into now. Prepping for the move will hopefully keep you busy; if it doesn't, start making plans with people for when you get back! I don't mean to dismiss this difficult chapter, but you are charging toward the end now -- don't look down! The deal I make with myself is "Now is not the time for me to properly process X. I can feel these things, but need to set aside their examination until I have the time/space/mindset to do so". Of course, most of the time, by the time I get to a place where I can give issues some clear, level-headed thought, I don't think they are an issue anymore...

No matter what you decide you will feel NOW, you are going to have a reaction THEN anyway. And the two are possibly (probably?) completely different. There is absolutely nothing to be gained from preemptive reactions -- they cost a lot of stress and energy, but do nothing to prepare us for when the time actually comes. Have faith that your future self will deal with it at least as well as your present self; after all, you will have at least a tiny bit more accrued wisdom by then.

But really, you will soon be thousands of miles away, where you will have the added benefit of being surrounded by what the entire rest of the world thinks of the US military...

G00dByeGirl

This is such good advice. I knew divorce wasn't going to be easy, but what's happened has knocked the stuffing out of me - over and over.

I've been trying to let go of what I have no control over, and at the same time, trying to put controls in place to protect myself. Like not making my leaving date known, and giving my attorney very clear instruction that my ex can be told from the day I leave simply that the house is vacant.

If it were at all possible that I could leave any earlier, then I would.

Thank you for all the encouragement. I'm sorry this post is quite hopeless at trying to convey my appreciation, I've been quite ill this week. I so much want to feel stronger and out of pain. When I'm in a better place, and miles away from him, there's one thing I know for sure - I want to pay it forward. If I can get through this, I want to give something back. I've been so touched by the kindness I've been shown here, I want to help someone else with any wisdom I've learnt. Or even a shoulder to cry on.

One more weekend to get through. Got my car lined up for sale, remaining air courier boxes getting picked up early next week, hotel booked for the night before. I'm getting ready for my fresh start.

Nutmegger

Jerseygirl

Your comments are not hopeless. You are not hopeless. Life has played you a tough hand and you playing that hand to the best of your ability.

I think many of us on here have been through similar circumstances, a different time, different names etc but basically very similar situations. You are bound to feel insecure, helpless, frightened etc etc but when you get on your feet in Blighty you will find a new found strength and you will never, ever let anyone hurt and manipulate you this way again.

G00dByeGirl

[QUOTE=I think many of us on here have been through similar circumstances, a different time, different names etc but basically very similar situations. You are bound to feel insecure, helpless, frightened etc etc but when you get on your feet in Blighty you will find a new found strength and you will never, ever let anyone hurt and manipulate you this way again.[/QUOTE]

Thank you, your words hit home. I very much intend to focus on my own growth and healing. I never again want to put myself in a position where I open myself up to this level of hurt and manipulation.

I want to put aside my attempts at making sense out of the marriage, my part, his part, his awful behaviour now... and just focus on me. It kills me to think of him with someone else, but in time, that should fade too. I so hope that I'm back on here letting you guys know how little that matters to me, and how well I'm doing.

I'll be out from under his control. I'll be away from 4 years of being almost invisible and so unimportant.

To everyone that's come out the other end, stronger, wiser and with a willingness to help others (me) treading the same path, I salute you. You may never realise the kindness and impact of your words.

Just a few more days to go now. No word yet on a response to the settlement offer. Really trying not to stress about that. Divorce is many horrible things, and the unknown is a massive, massive part of it. Saying that, there are some unknowns that could be a really good thing - you just don't know! And that's called life I think.