PetrifiedExPat

Another can of worms!

thinbrit

Taking out of the equation what the law says you both can agree on what is amicable. (here in Texas a spouse is only entitled to assets after the marriage, so there may be some value associated with payments made in to a retirement policy during the marriage, but not any made before). Get a GOOD lawyer. You'll draw up an agreement on how the assets can be divided, and only if you both fail to agree will the court be asked to make a judgment. The law may detail exactly what is considered, but you both have input on how you decide to part ways.

If there are other parties involved, and the divorce is to facilitate a 'new life' then he may want a quick settlement, one that is in your favor or at the very least equitable.

Whilst unusual, it is perfectly legal (at least it is in Texas) to not cleanly separate the assets at the time of divorce. You can have an agreement that states you will divide some assets at a later date (a house or business sale being good examples). This date can be months or years later. I know a couple that runs a mid size business that neither of them could manage on their own. They are divorced, but kept the business and continue to work toward the joint goal of eventually selling it. Their divorce agreement clearly details how this will work. They didn't have to sell up and take a loss.

Don't let emotions run the show. You may not be in a good place right now to be making decisions of this nature. Get an attorney. Join a divorce support group to get input from others going through exactly what you are going through. Try www.MeetUp.com to see if there are any in your area.
Your attorney would be able to advise you better on this, but I'd recommend not leaving the US if you want this to go well. Your attorney may be able to shield the fact that you are in the UK, but your spouse may request mediation or a court hearing. You'll likely lose if you don't attend.

G00dByeGirl

I'm sorry for a slow reply, I didn't realise I wasn't getting notifications. Thanks for all your kind words and advice. So here's where I am:

Yes, my UK savings and private pension plan were reported each year on an FBAR and Form 8938. I didn't make any contributions to my private pension during the 4 years we were married, so my lawyer says he can't go for that. Not considered marital assets as nothing was contributed during the marriage.

I'm trying not to make this post emotional, all I'll say is that living with him as the divorce progresses is getting more and more hellish. I want to move back to the UK asap, but have hit a roadblock in that Transfer of Residency (TOR) applications are now taking up to 8 weeks or more. This is the customs clearance needed to get my personal effects or 'goods' into the UK without paying huge fees.

He has decided he wants to buy me out of the house, and has sent me a clinical and harsh breakdown of his terms, all of course he sees as 'fair and reasonable.' He's made it clear that he wants to divorce quickly and without attorneys, and if I get one, he will make my life even more unbearable. He is bullying me into responding with my agreement or response by Tuesday.

I do have a lawyer, but can't get into see her until 24 June. I need to know whether the terms he's askingfor work better in my favour, and how to respond to a bully. I've emailed her. My issues are:

1 - his offer to buy me out is $10k short of the down payment I paid from my UK funds
2 - he is not offering spousal support
3 - he wants me out of the house once the buy-out is complete. If what he says is true, that could take 45 days/6 weeks (if I agree) but my TOR may not be approved within that time frame. As much as I want to leave, I have nowhere to go but back to the UK. Even if I did, I don't want to pay costs for moving somewhere on a temporary basis, and over handling my tea crates.

It's a horribly stressful situation and I hit my limit today with his verbal abuse. His anger is breath taking. I reported him to his First Sargent (he's military).

I want my lawyer to give me good counsel on how to respond. I think his demand that we agree a settlement between us is looking more and more unlikely, mostly down to his inability to get his temper in check when we attempt to talk.

retzie

Jeez, that sounds rough. I'm sorry

I have no wisdom to add on the legalities, but is there someone you can stay with in the short-term? I absolutely recommend removing yourself from his physical proximity. If you don't have friends you can turn to, maybe you can find an affordable AirBnB? It sounds like he's trying to force your hand and the thing you most need is a bit of breathing room to regain your composure.

I don't know anything about TOR, but is it something where you need the paperwork finished before you can even ship goods? If so, perhaps you could find a short-term storage solution? The quicker you and your belongings are out of the shared house, the better. Money spent on this will be a HUGE investment in your well-being.

I can completely understand your wish to get back to the UK as quickly as possible, but staying in the US in the short term does not automatically mean staying with him (or even in any location where he can reach you). If you can bring yourself to stay in the US for, say, 3 months in a new location, then I think it will open up a lot of options. It will also allow you to flex some control over your own destiny, which will definitely help get a hold of some of the anxieties.

petitefrancaise

Don't move out and leave your belongings in the house if you can avoid it. I'd definitely quietly take out any valuables/precious items and store them somewhere. Get your important documents in a safe deposit box at the bank.. they are surprisingly cheap (document sized for about $100 a year)
If you are being abused or feel unsafe -call the police and get a report of domestic violence. Find out where the local shelters are, the police should be able to tell you. Just in case you need them.
Your husband can rant and rave, threaten you as much as he likes but don't agree to anything, don't sign anything. I can guarantee that as soon as you speak to the lawyer, you will feel a million times better. They've seen and heard it all.
Probably best to be exceptionally circumspect about what you post online too.

Jerseygirl

Make sure you clear ‘The History’ each to you finish using your computer. That way husband will not be able see what Internet sites you have been visiting.

G00dByeGirl

Thank you for the kind words and advice. Things are so awful, I am trying to be grateful and recognise when good things happen.

I think it may be possible to go back to the UK before your TOR application is approved, but the chances of getting into an expensive spate with HMRC customs is very high. I am looking into AirBnBs, hotels... considering options for getting away from him, and storage for my boxes. It's all so expensive, and then of course there's the lawyers fees.

I want to finish my packing this week and be ready to go at the drop of a hat, perhaps even to a shelter in the short term. I reported him for abuse yesterday (military) and I fear his retaliation.

I am expecting a call from my lawyer today, I desperately need counsel on how to respond to his proposal. He will make my life hellish if I even attempt to say 'I'll get back to you when I'm ready, I need more time.'

He has no access to my laptop, but I don't keep a trail... just in case.

Taking out the emotion of his terms, there's a lot that I'm ok with, but I need my lawyer to look it over, and advise me. If his buy-out offer is the best I'm likely to get, I'd take it. If I attempt to go for spousal support to get it closer to the down payment I lost, then he'll likely change his terms.

He doesn't want to get lawyers in, as it's cheaper to file DIY, But of course, he wants it all his own way. He's threatened me that he'll get 'very angry' if I hire I lawyer and if I file before him. He's blatantly said that he'll play dirty if I don't agree to his terms.

civilservant

Manipulators are like that. Get out of the house, file a restraining order (if one is not part of the divorce automatically, they are in GA) and dig in. He can't hurt you, if he tries and violates the restraining order he'll end up in front of a court martial.

He's relying on your fear and lack of knowledge about the process to get what he wants, don't let him.

rebs

Yes, I think you did miss something.

Pulaski

Ok, thx.

Rete

Why do you keep going back to the down payment you provided? You should be standing firm on receiving 1/2 of what the house is worth on the current market. You are selling yourself short.

Nor does he have to. You have no children, you have the right to live in the US and work in the US and if you return to the UK, the right to work there, as well. Doubtful that any family court would say that you are entitled to alimony/spousal support.

I'll be honest and tell you that you are being unreasonable. If he buys you out, then you have absolutely no rights to remain in the house. You will no longer be 1/2 owner nor will you be a tenant. No clue what a TOR is but you will need to either find a temporary apartment, furnished or unfurnished, and live there until whatever time you can return to the UK if that is your choice.

Again, honestly, depending on when you received your green card, I would not leave the US until I had US Citizenship.

Nutmegger

Please contact a local organization for abused women. The more people who know what is going on in your house right now, the better. They will provide free counsel and help with a place to stay if it becomes necessary. At this point, you need to worry about your personal safety more than your personal effects.

Rete

Nothing worst then dealing with a spouse with a hair trigger temper. If you are not living on the base, then call the police next time.

Pulaski

Surely she's only entitled to half the net value of the home, after deducting the mortgage and any other secured loans? If they put down $20,000 on a $100,000 home she can't expect to walk away with $50,000, can she?

Assuming that it is 50% of the net value that is the applicable goal in a divorce settlement, then I think that the OP's issue is that, to continue the above example, she put down all the $20,000, so if she accepts half the net value of the home she would have lost half the $20k that she put into the purchase.

spouse of scouse

Great advice Nutmegger.