Difficult to make friends in America?
#136
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
You're introducing your opinion of the American culture. Good for you. However, the person next door could have a very different view. I'm of the opinion that since it's such a vast country that you could never generalize this culture. I find it interesting that anyone, especially an American who has lived in so many different areas, would think that you could.
I share little, if any, of Colorado's point of view and I am an American who just happens to have a college education, work on the Isle of Manhattan, been a wife twice and a mother of 2 and grandmother of 4 and don't know sports, and don't care to learn or talk about it.
Yes, I have friends and I have friendly acquaintances. Yes, I have made several good friendly acquaintances with co-workers which means that we socialized on weekends but when we moved on to other companies and/or our personal lives changed, we lost touch with each other. My good friends are those that I have grown up with, have shared life experiences with and for whom I would go to great lengths to help in time of need and they for me.
From my viewpoint, we make friends with people such as ourselves. A new immigrant would not share our sense of humor, lifestyle, or religion or lack of religious conviction. So for the newly arrived, it will be difficult to make that initial connection since the cultural differences are so great. It is a compromise on both parties that would lead to friendship. The native might feel that they should be accepted as they are because, lets face it, it is their country while the foreigner feels that the native should go out of their way to make them feel accepted. Neither party wins. The differences are inherent and only a true adult with an open mind can bridge those differences and allow friendship to enter the equation.
#137
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Sadly, the better beers tend to be at restaurants, the swill at the bars.
#138
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 41,518
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Pidgin English. That would help. Start with the "I ain't got no . . . ". That really helps with building relationships. (That was a joke ).
Not socializing? I never said that. Just not necessarily with coworkers (but please still try). A lot of 20-something kids still go to the bars with coworkers, but that dies out when they start having kids. Go to the sports bars and chat about the local teams. Or join a film or book club or go to a local festival. You meet a lot of people at events. Or go roller skating/blading or picnicing in the park (Seriously. I'm 46 yrs old and roller blade in the park with people of all ages).
Get out there and meet people. The library, the supermarket. Just start up a conversation. Lots of Americans love to talk and would love to listen to you talk about yourself and your interests. You also sound like a lovely, intelligent lady and I bet you have a lot of talents and hobbies that people would love to hear about. Knitting? Fantastic! Love to cook? Sounds great. Never give up trying to make friends. You have a lot to offer to people and should be appreciated for who you are and what you are all about.
Not socializing? I never said that. Just not necessarily with coworkers (but please still try). A lot of 20-something kids still go to the bars with coworkers, but that dies out when they start having kids. Go to the sports bars and chat about the local teams. Or join a film or book club or go to a local festival. You meet a lot of people at events. Or go roller skating/blading or picnicing in the park (Seriously. I'm 46 yrs old and roller blade in the park with people of all ages).
Get out there and meet people. The library, the supermarket. Just start up a conversation. Lots of Americans love to talk and would love to listen to you talk about yourself and your interests. You also sound like a lovely, intelligent lady and I bet you have a lot of talents and hobbies that people would love to hear about. Knitting? Fantastic! Love to cook? Sounds great. Never give up trying to make friends. You have a lot to offer to people and should be appreciated for who you are and what you are all about.
I can do all those things (well not the chatting about local teams. Or rollerblading.) Something is missing though and the Brits will know what I mean.
#139
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
The big problem for me is making time to find friends, which is why work is such a great avenue usually.
Like many people my life is 8.30-6ish work, kids homework, do some house jobs and make dinner, eat dinner. By then it's 9pm and we slob in front of the TV. I don't have time to go to book clubs... so never get the opportunity to meet people This schedule hasn't changed much in the last 10 years, however moving around in the UK we never had problems making friends as we made them through work. When you spend 8 hours a day with a bunch of people it seems the perfect time to make friends.
From my experience Americans also don't seem to make many friends once they reach their 30's, nearly all their friends are from school/college days.
Like many people my life is 8.30-6ish work, kids homework, do some house jobs and make dinner, eat dinner. By then it's 9pm and we slob in front of the TV. I don't have time to go to book clubs... so never get the opportunity to meet people This schedule hasn't changed much in the last 10 years, however moving around in the UK we never had problems making friends as we made them through work. When you spend 8 hours a day with a bunch of people it seems the perfect time to make friends.
From my experience Americans also don't seem to make many friends once they reach their 30's, nearly all their friends are from school/college days.
#140
Account Closed
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 1,570
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
I don’t think it’s difficult to make friends here, I have found it easier. Things are just different. If you trying and are having problems you should probably start by looking in the Mirror
I agree the workplace is a little different here, it does seem more formal but that also has its advantages. I couldn’t even count the amount of lost hours we wasted on having extended lunch breaks down the pub on Fridays in the UK My workplace seems more achievement oriented here. There’s no sense of seniority based on your age like there is in the UK. You earn respect through your achievements, you don't expect it based on how old you are or how long you’ve been at the company.
I am perfectly happy here but also like to keep in touch with friends from the UK. Seeing their lifestyle and hearing them complain about things in the UK makes me feel i did the right thing choosing to live here
I do feel like meeting a partner/starting a relationship is more difficult here. When i tell people i met my wife in bar here I get a totally different reaction than i would in the UK.
I agree the workplace is a little different here, it does seem more formal but that also has its advantages. I couldn’t even count the amount of lost hours we wasted on having extended lunch breaks down the pub on Fridays in the UK My workplace seems more achievement oriented here. There’s no sense of seniority based on your age like there is in the UK. You earn respect through your achievements, you don't expect it based on how old you are or how long you’ve been at the company.
I am perfectly happy here but also like to keep in touch with friends from the UK. Seeing their lifestyle and hearing them complain about things in the UK makes me feel i did the right thing choosing to live here
I do feel like meeting a partner/starting a relationship is more difficult here. When i tell people i met my wife in bar here I get a totally different reaction than i would in the UK.
Last edited by Uncle_Bob; Nov 14th 2012 at 8:42 pm.
#142
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
But speaking of college. I know why a lot of kids like going to local colleges, just because the cost thing is such a huge factor....but, it also seems to be the best opportunity to go out there somewhere completely different to experience something new across the country and do things on your own.
It's a shame that costs can make this prohibitive, if not just the tuition, but the travel costs.
When I went to uni, I don't think there was one person in my class that was local. Part of it was getting better student loans, but also as folks wanted different experience...so loads would help each other out at the train station or whatnot.
Just a very different experience and out look. One thing that probably did help was everyone being thrown in at the deep end having to make their own food and the like, rather than the hand holding that seems more common here.
#143
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 59
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Sally - You are probably right about something being missing. It's probably another cultural difference that I don't realize.
I have considered moving overseas when I retire (if I ever get to retire). And I think, "What about football?". What about those really great chocolate chess and pecan pies that my mom used to make, and fried catfish and Memphis ribs and pulled-pork barbeque and Coney Island and marching bands with 150 people in them and the Macy's day parade on TV and the Superbowl. Can I give that up, and would I have to? It would be very hard to give everything up that I've ever known and loved.
I started thinking about all of the new things that I could learn from a new culture and what would I have to do to make friends. It's so much easier said than done from my chair here at my computer, with my seriously ugly, toothless cat staring at me hungrily (I'm home from work sick today with a nasty cold).
I really hope that you give us another try. Many of us like fish and chips, even though it really isn't that good here. The beer here is touch and go, too. I like the Nottingham Forest Football Club, heaven knows why. Not too keen on lager, but what the heck. But we try to understand you guys. We really do like you and are so fascinated with your culture.
I have considered moving overseas when I retire (if I ever get to retire). And I think, "What about football?". What about those really great chocolate chess and pecan pies that my mom used to make, and fried catfish and Memphis ribs and pulled-pork barbeque and Coney Island and marching bands with 150 people in them and the Macy's day parade on TV and the Superbowl. Can I give that up, and would I have to? It would be very hard to give everything up that I've ever known and loved.
I started thinking about all of the new things that I could learn from a new culture and what would I have to do to make friends. It's so much easier said than done from my chair here at my computer, with my seriously ugly, toothless cat staring at me hungrily (I'm home from work sick today with a nasty cold).
I really hope that you give us another try. Many of us like fish and chips, even though it really isn't that good here. The beer here is touch and go, too. I like the Nottingham Forest Football Club, heaven knows why. Not too keen on lager, but what the heck. But we try to understand you guys. We really do like you and are so fascinated with your culture.
#144
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 59
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Piers Morgan is SO cute.
#146
BE Enthusiast
Joined: Jan 2011
Location: West Sussex - did 3 years in the US...
Posts: 577
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Rete - I would agree with you if it had been a problem making friends, really good, lifelong friends, in France, Germany, the Netherlands, etc.
There is something HERE that is different, and as Sally_Redux says, it is just difficult to work out what.
Bob - you mention that you don't like listening to your English friends moan - the issue I have here is that everyone KNOWS there are problems, but no-one has the b*lls to do anything about it because they might get fired.
This alone breeds the "it is what it is" sentiment, the back-stabbing and general inertia in business. Surely it is better to admit and talk about it and the fix it rather than smiling and saying "everything's good."
There is something HERE that is different, and as Sally_Redux says, it is just difficult to work out what.
Bob - you mention that you don't like listening to your English friends moan - the issue I have here is that everyone KNOWS there are problems, but no-one has the b*lls to do anything about it because they might get fired.
This alone breeds the "it is what it is" sentiment, the back-stabbing and general inertia in business. Surely it is better to admit and talk about it and the fix it rather than smiling and saying "everything's good."
#147
Lost in BE Cyberspace
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 41,518
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Yes that's true. There was one girl from our flat who came from Bolton and went home at weekends for 'herm coomferts' I think they are trying to get more students to go local in Britain now as well.
#148
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Sally - You are probably right about something being missing. It's probably another cultural difference that I don't realize.
I have considered moving overseas when I retire (if I ever get to retire). And I think, "What about football?". What about those really great chocolate chess and pecan pies that my mom used to make, and fried catfish and Memphis ribs and pulled-pork barbeque and Coney Island and marching bands with 150 people in them and the Macy's day parade on TV and the Superbowl. Can I give that up, and would I have to? It would be very hard to give everything up that I've ever known and loved.
I started thinking about all of the new things that I could learn from a new culture and what would I have to do to make friends. It's so much easier said than done from my chair here at my computer, with my seriously ugly, toothless cat staring at me hungrily (I'm home from work sick today with a nasty cold).
I really hope that you give us another try. Many of us like fish and chips, even though it really isn't that good here. The beer here is touch and go, too. I like the Nottingham Forest Football Club, heaven knows why. Not too keen on lager, but what the heck. But we try to understand you guys. We really do like you and are so fascinated with your culture.
I have considered moving overseas when I retire (if I ever get to retire). And I think, "What about football?". What about those really great chocolate chess and pecan pies that my mom used to make, and fried catfish and Memphis ribs and pulled-pork barbeque and Coney Island and marching bands with 150 people in them and the Macy's day parade on TV and the Superbowl. Can I give that up, and would I have to? It would be very hard to give everything up that I've ever known and loved.
I started thinking about all of the new things that I could learn from a new culture and what would I have to do to make friends. It's so much easier said than done from my chair here at my computer, with my seriously ugly, toothless cat staring at me hungrily (I'm home from work sick today with a nasty cold).
I really hope that you give us another try. Many of us like fish and chips, even though it really isn't that good here. The beer here is touch and go, too. I like the Nottingham Forest Football Club, heaven knows why. Not too keen on lager, but what the heck. But we try to understand you guys. We really do like you and are so fascinated with your culture.
#149
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
I don't remember any office gatherings in the UK, with exception to Christmas one year, but after that no. There was never any talk of going after work for a beer, but maybe that was because we lived a considerable distance from his job. Not sure. However, in his jobs here there have been quite a few work gatherings, specifically during the day (and yes they drink alcohol when they go and have lunch) and so he has more of a chance to join in, even though again, we live quite a distance away from his office.
Over here, that seemed to be almost the closest on the road.
It had a huge difference, especially those who weren't fresh graduates.
Back in the UK, it was never a issue if no one bothered going out, but there was always some folks playing footie, or basketball or whatever after work and drinks at the pub and people going out to dinner or a pint at peoples birthday. Over here, that generally didn't happen, except people maybe going out for a birthday lunch, or whatever could be crammed in at lunch.
A very different dynamic.
#150
Forum Regular
Joined: Nov 2012
Posts: 59
Re: Difficult to make friends in America?
Uncle_Bob - You're correct. I don't see the seniority issue much at work. Maybe some, as older employees are often more knowledgeable, but not always. I worked with three guys, and was promoted over them because I busted my boody at work trying to get my job done correctly and on time without errors. One guy was 74 and another was 55 at the time. The third was 32 and didn't want the responsibility. No hard feelings when I was promoted as neither of the three wanted the job.
Yep - definitely an achievement-oriented workplace. I may eventually get to retire some day. We used to joke at work that Phil, the 74-yr old guy, would be found one day dead at his desk but that we'd just keep him propped up so that noone would know that he wasn't hard at work. Put dark sunglasses on him and he's as good as new.
Yep - definitely an achievement-oriented workplace. I may eventually get to retire some day. We used to joke at work that Phil, the 74-yr old guy, would be found one day dead at his desk but that we'd just keep him propped up so that noone would know that he wasn't hard at work. Put dark sunglasses on him and he's as good as new.