Corporate speak??
I may be close to landing a new job, since it's been a while I have to brush up on my corporate lingo. For the uninitiated corporate speak is somewhat similar to Orwellian 'newspeak' and is the art of using ever so clever and highly annoying catchphrases and buzzwords in place of common everyday language. This corporate speak is mostly adapted from high technology and mainly spoken by insecure, fat and balding white men working for large corporations to cover up just how mediocre they actually are. Some examples are;
Download me - Can you explain Synergy - share resources copacetic - fine, okay delta - difference, expressed in numbers bandwidth - attention share multi-task - work on more than one thing at a time. kuudos - thanks Can anyone share some more of these irritating terms with me so I can sound clever on my first day, so the company doesn't realize what a ****-wit I really am? |
Re: Corporate speak??
Originally Posted by lionheart
Can anyone share some more of these irritating terms with me so I can sound clever on my first day, so the company doesn't realize what a ****-wit I really am? BTW in the corporate world you must refer to everything, no matter what it is, as a "paradigm". No, I don't know what it means either, but there's a lot of them about. |
Re: Corporate speak??
Originally Posted by lionheart
I may be close to landing a new job, since it's been a while I have to brush up on my corporate lingo. For the uninitiated corporate speak is the art of using ever so clever and highly annoying catchphrases and buzzwords in place of common everyday language. This corporate speak is mainly adapted from high technology and mainly spoken by insecure, fat and balding white men working for large corporations to cover up just how mediocre they actually are. Some examples are;
Download me - Can you explain Synergy - share resources copacetic - fine, okay delta - difference, expressed in numbers bandwidth - attention share multi-task - work on more than one thing at a time. kuudos - thanks Can anyone share some more of these irritating terms with me so I can sound clever on my first day, so the company doesn't realize what a ****-wit I really am? Unplanned outage/downtime - it broke Planned outage/downtime - we knew it was going to break Irreducible spare capacity - its too expensive to close plants I prefer the originals though "You are a c***" "What the f*** do you think you are doing?" These are universal in the English speaking world, and timeless classics, not open to interpretation, whilst simutaneously presenting the immediate nature of the problem to the recipient. |
Re: Corporate speak??
Blimey...scary stuff...well i'm sure you'll be able to impress on your fellow workers the ways of doing nothing while looking busy...BE for instance as a calming device to prevent going postal...and ways around the work proxy :D
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Re: Corporate speak??
Originally Posted by Bob
Blimey...scary stuff...well i'm sure you'll be able to impress on your fellow workers the ways of doing nothing while looking busy...BE for instance as a calming device to prevent going postal...and ways around the work proxy :D
Don't worry Bob! Playing up being a Brit usually gets you further than trying to blend in. Always try to use Brit-specific words they don't understand with a very emphasized accent. They'll be too embarrassed to ask so they'll put it down to that British humour. Gets you noticed, which is actually the most important thing. |
Re: Corporate speak??
Originally Posted by lionheart
Can anyone share some more of these irritating terms with me so I can sound clever on my first day, so the company doesn't realize what a ****-wit I really am?
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Re: Corporate speak??
How are you coming with that? Usually applies to a project. Means nothing grammatically.
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Re: Corporate speak??
Of course there's also "network" = kiss *ss and pretend you like someone you don't know but might come in useful.
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Re: Corporate speak??
Originally Posted by gruffbrown
I can get the widow to send you a list, she inadvertently asked me whether I was 'Onboard' the other day, 15 minutes later, I'd ran out of jokes...:)
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Re: Corporate speak??
Originally Posted by fatbrit
Don't worry Bob! Playing up being a Brit usually gets you further than trying to blend in. Always try to use Brit-specific words they don't understand with a very emphasized accent. They'll be too embarrassed to ask so they'll put it down to that British humour. Gets you noticed, which is actually the most important thing.
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Re: Corporate speak??
Originally Posted by elfman
"touch base with" (ie speak to briefly) winds me up.
arghhh - that one always used to annoy me when i worked for a american company - my boss liked to use that one all the time!!!! Ant |
Re: Corporate speak??
Go with a lycra solution - one size fits all :D
Actually heard this said in seriousness and pissed myself - we played buzz word bingo quite a bit when i used to work for one of the big 4 consulting firms - priceless!! ;) |
Re: Corporate speak??
Being in sales I also need to be familiar with all the sporting and sales cliches such as;
All the bells and whistles - numerous product features Show and tell/dog and pony show - presentation The whole nine yards - everything touch base - liaise I already hate my job and I haven't even accepted the offer yet ;) :D |
Re: Corporate speak??
Originally Posted by lionheart
I already hate my job and I haven't even accepted the offer yet ;) :D |
Re: Corporate speak??
Originally Posted by gruffbrown
Just run it up the flagpole and see if it flies...:rolleyes:
...see who salutes - apparently used to find out who was loyal to who in days of the Empire etc etc.... :cool: |
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