Webbie

My Mother died this afternoon (UK time) - morning my time.
Unfortunately because of my work situation and our finances I will not be able to fly home for the funeral.

At the moment I am being a typical male and British.
Holding it in, still upper lip and all that.

I know my family are going to see me as uncaring and cold (we are not very close) but there is nothing I can do about that.

The reason why I am posting this is to ask what it was like for others who lost someone whilst they are living here and what happened with you.

Webbie,

dudleydowg

sorry to hear of your loss, its always hard to lose a love one and when you are thousands of miles away its even harder.

My wife Wendi lost her father and grandfather within the same week 5 years ago, its was awful, she was in the UK and couldn,t get back to arizona until after the funerals because of flights, fortunately her fathers funeral was delayed and the day we arrived there we attended it, she still has issues that she wasn't there at the time of his death but it was sudden and no one could forsee it.

I again offer our condolances.

Gavin & Wendi

HunterGreen

I'm sorry for your loss, Webbie.

Elaine

Taffyles

I'm so sorry for your loss Webbie- it seems even worse when you are so far from home. When we were in Africa my Dad got lung cancer and I was lucky that I could make frequent trips back and fore till he died- it's at times like this you really feel the distance.
I feel for you.

SueIP

I am sorry to hear about your loss too...

JeanDupont

Very sorry to hear about your mother.
This can happen even if you live relatively close - my grandmother lived in Belfast when she was very ill and then died (in the 60's) and my father could not get there from London until it was too late as the airport was fogbound.

mrsm

Sincere sympanthies to you for your loss.

When my grandmother died in England last month I felt terrible that I never got to say "goodbye" and attend the funeral. I have also lost both my grandfathers since I have been here in the US. However, my entire family has been very understanding in the fact that I couldn't be with them in person during those times, but they did know I was hurting too. Eventhough you say that your family isn't very close I hope that they do understand the reasons why you can't be with them at such a sad time.

BrigieDarling

Webbie, I am so, so sorry! -- Given the choice would you want to attend the funeral? Not for the sake of the family members you are close to, but for your own reasons?

I want you to know that if you want to talk privately you can contact me! I might not know what to say, but me heart goes out to you and will help if I can with support!

God bless.... Brigie

ladyofthelake

Thinking of you Webbie at this tough time. Hope your family will understand the constraints you have because of the distance, it certainly doesn't mean you're cold or heartless.

Pharrya

About 4 months after I moved here, my Dad died of lung cancer. It wasn't a great shock as he'd been ill for some time.

Although our finances were not that great, there wasn't really a question of whether or not we were going to the funeral, and we went. In the end we simply put the plane tickets on the credit card.

I was pretty much mentally prepared for his death, and I think it was becoming fairly obvious that it was coming. Iwasn't so worried about my own grief, but more about my mother's - luckily my brother lives fairly close by as does her sister.

My condolences.

Paul

Manc

not been in your position to comment mate.
sorry though, because I wouldn't wanna be in that position either.

Rockgurl

I'm so sorry to hear about your mother. I have nothing to add except to give you a hug. {{{Webbie}}}

Webbie

I was amazed that people have emailed and replied to this post, I didn't think that you would bother.
I am a total stranger to you and you take the time to reply.
Thanks.
Messages of condolence do help. I didn't think they did when I was offering my sympathy to others, but they do.

This is the first time I've experienced a death in the family (too young to remember or realise where my Grandparents went) so this is the way I deal.
Not sure if it is right or the correct way.
I think it is usually a private thing isn't it ?
Or should be some people are thinking.
But this is my way.
*Breaks into song*

Plus I wanted to get some positive out of it and read about what happened to others and what it is like being 3000 miles away when something like this occurs.

Pharrya - as with your Dad we knew it was going to happen (liver failure) and had time to prepare.
But it is still a shock.

When I mentioned that I'm not close to my family I was including my Mother.
But we were not on bad terms thankfully.
Before we moved over here we went to see her and my wife met my Mother and even though she didn't express it I know she was proud and very happy for us.

If I had the money would I fly back for the funeral ?
Yes of course. It would be expected of me and I would want to be there.
To use a football cliché - at the end of the day she still is my Mother.

Do you know something weird - I can't help thinking about my Mother's husband - I suppose he is a step-father but I never saw him as that because I was 28 when they got married.
Anyway I'm more sad for him because he is alone now and will be for Xmas. Can't stop thinking about that.

Thanks again for stopping by and reading this.
As I mentioned above - it does help to talk about it.

and sorry for bringing down the mood a bit.
Normal service will be resumed as soon as possible.

Webbie.

Pimpbot

I havent been in your shoes, but I wanted to offer my deepest sympathy to you and your family.

snorkmaiden

I'm really sorry to hear about your loss.

I have not been in your position yet and hope not to be for many years to come. Just before we moved here however and within five weeks of eachother both of my husbands remaining Grandparents died.

My husband had to cancel his flight out here in order to attend the funeral. It really brought home to us how hard it would have been for us to deal with had it happened a few weeks later when we had all moved across.

To this end we are hoping to start an "emergency" fund, essentially money set aside to use should something awful happen at home.

I can only begin to imagine how you must be feeling. My thoughts are with you at this horrible time and I can't help but hope that despite the lack of closeness you describe in your family that they take this opportunity to reach out and donate your flight money rather than look down on you for not attending.

I hope you don't mind or feel I am stepping out of line but might I also suggest that you take the day of your Mothers funeral and despite not being able to be there have your own send off of sorts.

The funeral after all is for those who are left behind and it's important to mark her passing in your own way in order to deal with your loss.

My deepest sympathy Webbie,

Leah