scrubbedexpat097

Actually she is not "gregarious" and she still has a lot of her British reserve.

It was difficult for her, heartbreaking actually. She didn't want to give up the chance of a great move to help her career but she knew it would be hard to do it on her own.

The one thing she had/has is family support which the OP doesn't have and that made a big difference to her. When she was struggling she would call and we would talk it all through with her or she would call her brother or her friends here in Texas.

Being completely alone with no back up system would be a lot harder. However hard people try they cannot always cope with major changes when they have no back up system.

You have to remember we are all different, sometimes decisions are hard to make. Having family support needs not to be taken for granted, not everyone has it when they need it.

MMcD

Two comments:
1.
The OP's original posting with his description of his plight seems to have struck a raw nerve in this forum:
In just 2 days it's already elicited 165 messages spread across 12 pages. WOW! (Does that set a record?)
And (if you agree that it's an unusually vociferous response)....why is that? What has that post tapped into?
2.
Ethelred - you obviously feel extremely un-buttressed. But hopefully you'll find some of the supportive advice offered in a few of the thoughtful posts - to be helpful. In addition you might take heart and feel fortified by a realization that there is a common bond which you've obviously evoked through your description of your circumstances. And because you share this common bond - despite feeling isolated - you're really not alone.
I certainly cannot offer you any specific advice regarding returning to the UK or not. But I can enthusiastically reiterate what's already been expressed by others - just managing to change ones perception/perspective/thinking/point of view regarding ones situation - can be a vital 1st step in improving it.
I hope - through some of the thoughtful advice people have taken the time to share with you - you'll be able to find a key to doing just that.
Good luck

scrubbedexpat099

Amen.

cluedweasel

And for anyone who has never been in that situation, don't underestimate how difficult it is. Many moons ago I had to go through a very difficult experience with no family support at all. Looking back, I'm still surprised I coped with it. Fast forward 15 years and I was having the problems with settling and dealing with life in the U.S. Having a supportive wife and part of her family to help made things a LOT easier. Ethlered doesn't have that support.

Sally Redux

I think she actually messed up the quotes somehow, because it was Cape Blue who made the original comment.
That is absolutely the norm here.

Ethelred_the_Unready

I have found a lot of good advice here. I shoved those who just wanted to add to existing misery on ignore as it is pointless arguing with idiots over the internet and it's a waste of bandwidth. I'm sure those individuals are still drawing entertainment from this, so I will continue to aim to please, for those 1) who can relate to the ensuing train wreck and less importantly 2) those enjoying seeing the buildup...

I believe that many expats can relate to my posts, but perhaps are reluctant to completely agree with me, either because they don't want to upset the apple cart (forum regulars). I understand that and I also understand that the majority of expats who move to the US did so to seek a better life and are generally happy here. Some though, probably realise that there is no such thing as greener grass, or that perhaps the UK isn't the cesspool that the likes of the Daily Mail make it out to be. Count me as one of those people, although prior to becoming romantically involved with an American woman, my intention was to try living elsewhere in Europe, perhaps Germany or one of the Nordic cointries. I didn't come here chasing dreams, a big house, a petrol guzzling vehicle or a fridge the size of the average British house. This, is why the "running away" BS does not apply to me. I had no burning desire to leave the UK for anything better, aside from curiosity. But, to reiterate, I do not regret my US adventure and have gained a lot from the experience.

Truth be told, in many ways, I don't want to go home, not because of the UK, but because I'll be going back to a family whom I am inferior to, good looking yuppie younger brothers, a mother who as much as I do stil love her, has done much more harm than good. When I log on to Facebook and see pics and updates of their stupid "perfect" lives, in some ways, I am happy to be 4,000 miles away and not obligated to spend any time with them. They are not bad people, I wasn't abused, but I made the decision long ago to severely limit contact for the sake of my own mental health and I do not regret that (that decision probably saved me from suicide). The parental favouritism, ghosts, demons and the friends I had back home are the only reasons why I am posting this from Florida, rather than Folkestone, Felixstowe or Fulham. I am afraid that even if I had the money to go back home, the ghosts and demons would swallow me whole, if that makes sense? Out here, I am the only member of my family who emigrated. My yuppie / good looking brothers could do so if they wanted, but I'm the only one who actually did it. It's the only achievement I have over them. If I go back, I'll go back to being the loser in the council flat: the only unmarried one, the only one who didn't go to university. I really don't want that, but on the other hand, I don't belong in the United States, of all places. I am just about the opposite of what the average American strives to be, plus I have no chance of dating here and no interest in it.

So I miss home, fundamentally. I would most likely never have contemplated leaving the UK, had it not been for what I mentioned above. I certainly would never have considered the US as a place to live. I am very left-wing, not big on "achievements", I don't care for the rat race and I would prefer to live in a more low key type society that doesn't exert so much pressure to conform. I don't like working here at all, I find it too competitive and cutthroat and people are generally too fake. I know saying these things won't win popularity contests, but these are my opinions based on 9 years of living here....take it or leave it, agree or disagree.

So that's my dilemma. Even when I have the money and knowing that realistically, I have to leave the US, doing so won't be easy, which is why I try to get advice from those in this forum, as I have few other people to turn to, plus I don't want to burden such people with this nonsense.

I am depressed...seriously depressed, due to the above, chemical imbalances and situational stuff that I don't care to share on a public forum. Just take my word for it. I am very alone and dealing with some very dark thoughts. I would not wish this on my worst enemy, enough said. There's no safety net here, a general lack of empathy in American society. I cannot afford to get sick and I could be fired from work for no reason at all.

If anyone can relate directly or if you're going through the same, send me a message, if you wish. I realise that in posting this, some people are getting a kick out of it all.

Sally Redux

I can relate in some way. I think part of me wanted to get away from my nutty family. At some point you have to stop letting the family (or rather your perception of them) dictate your actions. You are your own person now, you don't have to measure yourself by them.

scrubbedexpat097

absoloutely

Ethelred_the_Unready

It's the norm in most western countries, but it feels like it's up several hundred notches over here. If you are the Joneses, I guess it wouldn't matter, but it's not nice to feel looked down on, for whatever reason, including not being a homeowner FFS.

Ethelred_the_Unready

Unfortunately, I fear that if I go back, I will be exposed to that particular demon again. Trust me, ultimately it won't stop me as I most likely will just take the advice given by a good friend of mine and simply not tell them. I have virtually severed ties anyway, solely for the sake of my mental health. Northern Ireland is looking like an extremely attractive compromise right now.

Ethelred_the_Unready

You seem like a good parent. Do you fancy adopting another adult child?

ian-mstm

With respect, if you feel inferior, it's because you believe yourself to be inferior. No one can force you to be something that you aren't.


Why don't you unfriend them or their updates? It's obvious that you don't care for them... and yet you feel the need to know what's going on!


Yet you keep checking up on them! Curious. Your behavior seems more a pattern of deliberate self-destruction rather than self-preservation - which seems to be what you want. You say one thing... but you do another.

Many of us have toxic parents - and we each act to preserve ourselves however we can. Many years ago I made a conscious choice not to have children and thus break the cycle of emotional abuse. My dad died 6 years ago... I haven't shed a tear. My mom is in her 80s... I've no idea if I'll shed a tear for her either.

Alas, you'll probably never see this since you've likely got me on ignore!

Ian

Ethelred_the_Unready

Hi Ian,

No, I didn't put you on ignore, though I was tempted to, because you seem to be a bit of a **** at times (j/k!).

But clearly we can relate to one another. The difference is that my brothers have done nothing wrong, which makes it hard for me to completely cut ties, even though in doing so, I would probably have a much better chance of pulling through. In other words, as much as I feel mega inferiority, I am also glad that they succeeded and would not wish my own failures on them, if that makes sense?

Anyway, thanks for the response and sorry to hear about your own situation with your parents. Ultimately Ian, you have to do what's best for your own sanity. I am in the same situation that you are mate. It's certainly not easy. I don't want children either for the exact same reasons, though of course that decision is never easy either.

scrubbedexpat097

.but you'll have to get in-line behind some of the others that have claimed us over the years

You may have to do what my husband does when it comes to parent/sibling relationships. Think of them as distant relatives that are connected to you indirectly but that you can ignore most of the time. It works for him

Britinsac

Great post. No one can tell you how you should feel - or what you should do. Each person is physically different but also emotionally different and has varying degrees of tolerance to loneliness, stress and fear. If you have been in the country since 2003 then you have been 9 years trying to fit in and rationalize the decision and make a go of it. You may have been happy originally but things have soured along the way. Who is to say they would not have soured if you had stayed in the UK too? The answer is no one could possibly know. And you won't know if you go back if things will go better or worse for you. My advice would be never to burn bridges... and always leave a door open. You don't say what your legal status is in the U.S. Visa, Green Card or citizen, but if you do go back make sure you have the ability to return. Because you may be replacing one bad situation with another..