Chilli Contest
 

Chilli Contest
>
> *Note: Please take time to read this slowly. If you
> pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of
> the third judge is even better! For those of you who
> have lived in Texas, you know how true this is. They actually have a
> Chilli Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to town. It takes up a

> major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
>
>
>
> The notes are from an inexperienced Chilli taster named
>
> Frank, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:
>
>
>
> Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a
>
> judge at a chilli cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick
>
> at the last moment and I happened to be standing there
>
> at the judge's table asking for directions to the
>
> Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured
>
> by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chilli
>
> wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me
>
> I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
>
> accepted."
>
>
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>
>
> Chilli # 1 (Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chilli)
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing
>
> kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
>
> Judge # 3 -- (Frank) Holy sh*t, what the hell is this
>
> stuff? You could remove dried paint from your
>
> driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I
>
> hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
> Chilli # 2 (Arthur's Afterburner Chilli)
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
>
> jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers
>
> to be taken seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
>
> I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain.
>
> I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the
>
> Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when
>
> they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
> Chilli # 3 (Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chilli)
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chilli. Great kick.
>
> Needs more beans.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A beanless chilli, a bit salty, good use
>
> of peppers.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
>
> spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
>
> Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer
>
> before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
>
> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
>
> getting sh*t-faced from all of the beer.
>
>
>
> Chilli # 4 (Bubba's Black Magic)
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chilli with almost no spice.
>
> Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
>
> side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a
>
> chilli.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
>
> tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to
>
> burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid, was standing
>
> behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. b*tch is
>
> starting to look HOT... just like this nuclear waste
>
> I'm eating! Is chilli an aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
> Chilli # 5 (Linda's Legal Lip Remover)
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chilli. Cayenne peppers
>
> freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very
>
> impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chilli using shredded beef, could use more
>
> tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off
>
> my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I
>
> farted and four people behind me needed paramedics.
>
> The contestant seemed offended when I told her that
>
> her chilli had given me brain damage. Sally saved my
>
> tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it
>
> from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
>
> It really p*sses me off that the other judges asked me
>
> to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks.
>
>
>
> Chilli # 6 (Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety)
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chilli.
>
> Good balance of spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
>
> onions, and garlic. Superb.
>
> Judge #3-- I sh*t myself when I farted and I'm worried
>
> it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined
>
> to stand behind me except that sl*t Sally. She must be
>
> kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips anymore. I
>
> need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
>
>
> Chilli # 7 (Susan's Screaming Sensation Chilli)
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chilli with too much reliance
>
> on canned peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally
>
> threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I
>
> should take note that I am worried about Judge #3. He
>
> appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
>
> uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull
>
> the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight
>
> in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of
>
> rushing water. My shirt is covered with chilli, which
>
> slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of
>
> lava-like sh*t to match my shirt. At least during the
>
> autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop
>
> breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
>
> any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in
>
> through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
>
>
>
> Chilli # 8 (Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chilli)
>
>
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
>
> chilli. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its
>
> existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced
>
> chilli. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of
>
> it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell over and
>
> pulled the chilli pot down on top of himself. Not sure
>
> if he's going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd
>
> have reacted to really hot chilli?