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Breaking news to family etc?

Breaking news to family etc?

Old Sep 11th 2014, 11:28 am
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Default Breaking news to family etc?

So, we've just started breaking the news to the family and friends etc now the visa process is happening and it's actually real... But it's unbelievably tough for us and them.

We only got married last month and I'm an only child so I'm sure there is a compound effect and it's obviously not something that people are going to be completely thrilled about but what sort of experiences have you all had and are there any top tips?

There's so much great information here and you're all so helpful I figured you must have some gems to add that might help to make it as palatable as possible for our loved ones?

(I did have a mooch around the wiki and the search but found very little so apologies in advance if i missed something obvious)
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 12:54 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

Hold firm against the upset, be kind because their only child is moving thousands of miles away, and teach them how to Skype.

(from someone who's mum cried every time someone mentioned me for at least the first two years I was away).
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 1:08 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

Thanks, It's tough for them so we can't not be kind but you're bang on to hold firm too.

We did the Skype induction last night and we'll make sure we use it over the next few months to get them used to it before we go. I'm hoping it makes the difference. It certainly does with my wife when I've had to travel for more than a few days.

We're going to try to set out solid plans for their first visit before we go and we already have two dates in May and October where we have to be back in the UK anyway so we're hoping it will be ok.

2 years must have been a hard thing for you to deal with though?
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 1:26 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

It is amazing how much the distance will affect. I have lived in a different country to my parents for the last 4 years, although it was only an hours flight away I would only get home every 5/6 months. When I announced I was moving to USA my mum took it very badly. THough as others have said skype and facetime are great and we probably talk more now that we did in the last 4 years.
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 1:34 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

End of the day, you've got to do this for you and yours and friends/family will either get used to it and suck it up or they won't and there's not much you can do about it.

If you've got older folks or have kids, set up Skype for them before leaving and get them used to how to do video calls and offer to go visit them or to holiday in a neutral spot somewhere that you both can get a holiday out of so you don't feel you're just visiting people for the sake of it.

For the friends and extended family, definitely don't have a leaving do last minute. Go have dinner/drinks a week or two earlier, so you don't have to rush around last minute doing stuff and have to head out and see people.
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 1:40 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

If you can have them start planning their first trip out. Even a vague month they may be looking at. I found it helped my mum to have an approximate date in mind. We left in the Aug, they knew they would visit for New Years. That helped.

Otherwise, try and remember the reasons you are going for. It gets very easy to doubt your decision as you say bye to friends and family. Someone mentioned Skype and FaceTime. Set them up and test them while you are still in the country. If you use facebook, set them up accounts and show them how to use them. I actually feel closer to some of my relatives now than when I lived in the same country as we are often talking on facebook.
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 2:33 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

I was a boarding shcool brat from the age of 9, and while living in London only went home to Edinburgh twice a year anyway, so I don't think being in the US is really that different!

My mum & sister were the ones who had been trying to convince me to move home to Edinburgh so they probably took it the worst, but they were happy for me & saw it for the opportunity it is. I just emphasised how fun it would be for them to come and visit!

With the contact thing, I also find Viber to be quite useful. It's similar to Skype/FaceTime but without the video. Most of the time that overlaps when I'm awake and family are awake, I'm in the office. So Viber just means that they can call me if they need to, without it being a big production. Although you can do FaceTime audio as well, I'm not sure about Skype, they probably have something similar. It's just not always going to be convenient to be on video!
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 2:45 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

Originally Posted by scott1sh View Post
... I'm not sure about Skype, they probably have something similar. It's just not always going to be convenient to be on video!
You can do audio or text only chat too on Skype.
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 3:37 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

We're going through this now - no prob for me. I country hopped with my parents until I was a teen, then boarding school, uni etc meant I hadn't lived 'at home' since I was 14. My parents and sister live in different countries anyway. I just phoned them and they were excited for our next adventure.

OH is a different story. His entire (and massive) family all live within a 5 minute walk of each other. We're about 30 mins from them. They're putting a brave face on whilst coming up with lots of negatives. We'll see - his mum has already told the kids they can move in if they don't want to leave their friends!

I'd say that yes it will probably be hard for your family, but at the end of the day you're only a flight away and technology will make such a difference. When we lived in South America in the 70s and early 80s it could take weeks for a letter or parcel to arrive and you could only call if there was someone at the exchange!

Last edited by loubiblu; Sep 11th 2014 at 3:41 pm.
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 4:06 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

My Iranian husband immigrated to the USA 10 years ago via marriage to me. He knew his patents would never approve of him marrying an American, so he simply never told them. All his siblings know, but they all decided not to tell the parents. He told them he moved to the USA through work, and that was that.

Everyone deals with family differently.

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Old Sep 11th 2014, 4:11 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

Thanks all,
It's great to know that putting the emotion to one side is the right approach. I've made a mental note to get Mum set up on Facebook too so she can see what's going on.

Originally Posted by loubiblu View Post
I'd say that yes it will probably be hard for your family, but at the end of the day you're only a flight away and technology will make such a difference.
This is our answer - the current line is "We moving, not dying!"
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 5:25 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

Reading this with interest - having problems with MIL. Keeps trying blackmail to involve our children on my husband - she hasn't even spoken to my sons about it.
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 5:34 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

Originally Posted by Springy6 View Post
Reading this with interest - having problems with MIL. Keeps trying blackmail to involve our children on my husband - she hasn't even spoken to my sons about it.
Yep, came as a lovely surprise when my 15yr old daughter told me her nan had told her she could move in with her if she didn't want to go! My parents said "we're thrilled for you to have this opportunity, yes we'll miss you, but we've lived our life, we don't want or need to live it through you".

It helps that they know what it's like as that's what they did when we were children.

Mums and their boys hey
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 6:14 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

I talk to my parents more now via Skype than I did when I lived only an hour from them. I took their only grandchild away from them before she was a year old, so it was pretty hard on them for a while. Being able to see and interact makes a HUGE difference. Talk via Skype regularly before you go so that they get used to it and see how you really aren't going to be that far away.
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Old Sep 11th 2014, 7:24 pm
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Default Re: Breaking news to family etc?

I too am a only child, my mum and dad split up when I was 4 and he moved back to the US when I was 8. In 16 months time I will be leaving my mum and moving to live near my dad for possibly the rest of my life which seems like a back stab in a way. She is very upset but holding up well so far, she knows it's been my dream since I can remember. But with Skype and fairly cheaply priced transatlantic flights it's not like she will never see me again. When I have grandkids it's going to be tough though, but it's something I need to do in my life and she can be proud of how well she has done bringing me up to have the balls to follow my dreams.
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