Jaxbar

My 15 year old stepson comes to live with us permanently in the next few weeks. I have never had my own children and am aware of the huge responsibility I face.

He is a talented, witty, outgoing young man, but we come from different worlds, any ideas how to encourage him to do well at school, eat healthy and be an asset to society -appreciated.

Octang Frye

Taze him.

(In before Ray.)

hopeful_Mark

All you really need to do is show patience, understanding (ok you may not understand but try), be there to answer his questions remember it is a new life for him to adjust to as well, just try to be there when/if he needs you. Gentle hints and let him think everything is his idea when it comes to diet/education and for him to be an asset to society just lead by example. And if the going gets tough count to 10 and remember the good things that being a parent bring, unfortunately it is not always easy but the rewards of watching him mature will outweigh any negative times that may lie ahead. Good luck and most of all try to enjoy the experience.

madeofkent

My Brother is a step parent to a 16 and 18 year old and he has had to bring his values to the table, but he always always defers to there mother and father, to the extent that recently he got called to a police station about the youngest, and he made it clear to the police and his step son that he wasn't picking him up but he would act as a buffer between his parent's which ever one it was he chose, he eventually picked his dad, who my brother hadn't actually meet, but his dad was grateful and proceeded to try and knock 7 bells of.. out of him, my brother and the police stopped him, but my brother said its not his place to father them but it is place to make his value's in his own home important to them and for them to respect that.
don't know if this helps...

BritishGuy36

I feel for you, I became a step-child at 14 and it's a difficult age. You've a tricky time ahead.

All the best with that!

Tootsie Frickensprinkles

Only you know the details of the move, it's always very much easier if everyone is at least to some extent on the same page. If your step son is viewing this as a desired, positive move - presumably away from his own mother - then you're off to a good start. Depending on what the score is there, I would argue the more you are informed of the nature of that relationship the better.

The only generic piece of advice I think I have is give him the space and time to come to you. He will decide in his own good time what sort of relationship he wants with you and there's not an awful lot (especially in the early time) you can do to influence that. Once he's comfortable with that relationship you are then going to be in a position to take on the things you mention, encouraging, influencing etc etc.

He's a child, but not, and by that age I'm of the mind that step parents are only ever gaurdians. Obviously behaviour boundries have to be set, discuss this with your husband and let him lay the law down so to speak. As long as he uses a mix of I and we this young lad will learn his father stands with you and that he can't muck you about.

Have the right foods in the house, provide a calm environment and like hopeful_mark said, just be there intially, take his lead and it will come

Good luck.

penguinsix

BINGO! When I first read the OP post about how to get them to do this and that my immediate reaction was "DON'T DO IT". You can't rush being a parent, or being in a position of authority over them. The faster and harder you push, the more extreme the push-back will be. It's going to be something that takes times. Months to years, unless you want to deal with some resentment issues.

You need to make it feel like they are becoming your step child, not you becoming their step parent. Let them move at a pace that they are comfortable with. You need to let them have a measure of control in how the relationship develops.

Good luck.

Jaxbar

Thanks for some great advice there guys.

I am more worried about me than him, I have no idea how to help with homework ( I have a degree but no math(s) skills, I have no experience of what to do if the school calls me in or how the school system works but have a few parents giving advice on that score.

I have always been the fun step parent who lets him do what he wants and have had nothing to do with discipline as he's only been for holidays before, I see the sense it makes to back off and develop the relationship before jumping in with.

Its strange trying to imagine the future as two rather than three of us.

Rete

Sit down for the OH and work out exactly what responsibility you are to assume for the teenager and if your word carries any weight. You need to know that if you say "no" or "yes" to something that the biological father is not going to reverse your decision.

Let your stepson know that you will respect him as long as you are respected and that you are happy he is living with you as a family and that you need his help in getting to know him better.

As for the homework issue, if he needs assistance in an area that you are not skilled in, then be honest with him and if he really confused with the subject matter, think about hiring a tutor privately to help out.

Poppy girl

[QUOTE=Rete;6530194]Sit down for the OH and work out exactly what responsibility you are to assume for the teenager and if your word carries any weight. You need to know that if you say "no" or "yes" to something that the biological father is going to reverse your decision.


I have been down this road and have none of my own children so I empathize with you.....(my stepson was 13 yrs old)

Rete is so right this was one of the major problems we had when I was married, and its not easy to get around as so many things crop up that you question yourself about, or put your foot in it and its said in haste,which later upon reflection should of been dealt with by dad, but each day you learn a bit more.

Hopefully he is a nice kid with manners mine was a little terror sorry to say, but then so was his father lol..


Good luck

Xebedee

Yep.
Yep.
Good idea.
(I am a step parent also - technically)

lisa67

As a parent of a teenage son I think the most valuable advice I was given was to remember you are his "parent" and not his friend and to stand united with your spouse in front of your (step) son even if you don't agree and discuss it out of ear shot later.
My son responds to reverse psychology..no good me saying "no" straight out as he will want whatever he is asking for even more...much better to have a discussion and let him make the decision.
As for homework, I've found that the teachers have been really helpful in the past and my son doesn't often ask us for any help. I let him decide(with a "gentle" reminder every evening) about when he needs to get his homework done. He know there will be consequences if his grades slip due to laziness etc.

Good Luck...and remember, you're only human, and no one, least of all yourself, should expect you to be super-woman.

Tootsie Frickensprinkles

As a step parent, I dont think that holds the same weight.

That on the other hand, still does. Disciplinary roles are far, far greyer though.

lisa67

[QUOTE=Tootsie Frickensprinkles;6531624]As a step parent, I dont think that holds the same weight.

why ?

lisa67

Hey Tootsie...re read your previous post and think I know where you're coming from. The only experience I have of step kids is my SIL and her step son who was about 14 when she married his father and treated her like dirt most of the time, especially when she tried to be friendly and understanding