britoverseas

My wife and I are going to start a family (very soon hopefully) I'd like to ask those of you on here that have kids a few things.

I have some general queries, such as how did you feel it changed your outlook on life? obviously this is a very subjective question, but I'd still be interested to know. I can't wait to be a dad and so any views would interest me. Did it put a strain on your relationship? I ask this, as it seems the early stages of having a baby may be the most crazy and hard to adjust to! no need to answer that if it's too nosy though lol .

Also, I realise a lot of people move here with kids and so they have to get used to the school system being different etc, which wouldn't apply for me, well unless we moved to the UK lol. Those of you that are in a UK/US relationship, do you wish your kids could see your side of the family more (those of you that are the UK part of the relationship)? Personally, I can see that being something I will wish I could have more of as I am very close to my family.

I hope some of you feel like sharing your experiences/feelings on the matter

cheers

MsElui

before kids DH and I did things we were interested in. We could sleep in late, eat late, go anywhere, etc. etc. when you have kids you have to stop and think about it all a tonne more. Its still fun but less footloose.

Before i could skip a meal if there was something better to do - or make do with a bag of chips or something. Now I have to think what meals my kids will be eating through the day and make sure they happen at a reasonable time. Possible preparing special things for them as what I want to eat (ie a hot curry) isnt suitable. I have to stop scoffing sweets all day as the kids see me doing it and want them too - so now i have to abstain or hide it a lot better
I have to think about how the younger 2 need to work a nap into the day or they will be well grumpy later on.
I need spare diapers and trousers and snacks and toys etc with me.
I need to think about whether they can watch this TV program i want to see (language, subject matter , violence, etc)
I see events that I would not likely bother to go to myself - but find out about and plan to go because it would be fun or interesting or even eye opening for my kids to see.
I have to think about everything I say and Do as im setting an example to my kids all day long.
I have to research day care or pre schools or even school districts so that when the time comes I can make the best (and safest ) choice for my kids.

plus a tonne of other stuff!

britoverseas

Thanks for your reply, that's a lot of instances that you take for granted that need to be reconsidered with the arrival of a baby. I'm sure it will be a challenge, but I can't wait. Underwhelmed by the overall response though lol

Perhaps because I'm not part of the clique

Mummy in the foothills

No nothing to do with a clique.
I read your question and was trying to think what I wanted to say
MrsElui has already said a lot of what I think.
All I can really remember from first having kids here in US was lack of support. No family and friends around me, it was scary and overwhelming.

Elvira

Another issue we see quite frequently here at BE: marriage breaking down and expat being stuck in the foreign country because he/she cannot take the kids back to the UK.

People who may have thought that they were happy in their adopted country may realise - sometimes years down the line - that they are homesick and unable to settle long-term.

It's better to think of and discuss this before having kids.

Bob

Have a plan, in writing on what you want to happen to your kids in the event of one or both of you dying, do you want them brought up here or back in blighty, who with etc.

Other than that, get great medical insurance because it's a ball ache other wise and just go with it.

Your time table will roll around the baby and unless you've got family/friends/loads of money you won't be going out all that much certainly late for quite a while and even if you did get the chance you'd probably prefer just to relax and not do anything.

For that reason, find a local parents group, tends to be great for mothers, shit for dads unless you gate crash, anyway, look at baby care swaps, where you look after someones baby for a night and then they do the same another night, gives you a chance to go out, or just relax in.

Get a decent washing and drying machine too, because it's a pain using shit machines

Best advice though is check out the local library, chances are they'll have some kind of baby group or will know of one and if your lucky there will be a good free network and some free classes to take.

Also, if you have a drive in theatre nearby, it'll become your friend....and get a Boon Spoon, that and the tummy tub were the best investments that have been most useful, as well as a nice nappy wallet

meauxna

"For that reason, find a local parents group, tends to be great for mothers, shit for dads unless you gate crash, "

Oh Bob, I though about you recently.. this topic has been getting a lot of play here lately.
http://www.portlanddad.com/

Start your own!

Bob

That's pretty nifty

The woman who goes the parenting town network has gotten all us dads connected who stay at home, there's only 4.5 of us that are part of the network, we're sorting out coffee mornings on the town green so kids can play...should be interesting how this pans out.

One is a realtor and works part time. One's a cartoonist who works from home, the others have been made redundant too

notacrime

Definitely a shit machine, once you have a baby all it does is remove shit.

notacrime

Think about when you've planned a visit a country you've never been to before - you have a sense of what it's going to be like, in that you've seen it on TV, or you know people who've been there, but you're just not going to know what it's really like until you are actually there. It's equally impossible to describe to someone who's never been there what it's like.

My neighbors had their first baby 2 weeks before we had ours. When I saw Neil in the hallway a week after my girl was born we had a quick chat about the experience, and he summed it up nicely - "before they arrive you just have no frame of reference."

She's turning 4 months old on Friday. It's been the longest 4 months of my life, yet it has flown by. It's been 4 months of learning how to care for a baby, adjusting to all the changes, and more than anything figuring out what the new reality of our lives is now that there's a new member of the family.

Our girl has a US passport (haven't got her the British one yet, the application is right here though, along with my renewal.) What a fantastic start to life to have both a US and EU passport. Some day I'm sure she'll take advantage of that, hopefully in the context of working abroad rather than evading the authorities.

Advice that comes to mind from the experience of becoming a new dad - we spent a lot of time worrying about the actual birth when we really should have spent more time thinking about what we'd do when we got the little girl home. Labor was a crazy experience, but it was nothing compared to being home with a newborn.

Our initial wish was to keep family and friends at arms length so we could enjoy time with the new baby. In retrospect that was a ridiculous notion, now we take all the help we can get, and there's still more than enough hours in the day to bond with the little one.

I would advise you to go do stuff that you won't be able to do once the kid is here. But you can't store up those experiences, just like you can't store up sleep (I've tried.) Maybe just stop and savor those moments that you know you'll miss when they are gone.

Oh, and start buying nappies now when you see them on sale. You'll need about 150,000.

Bluegrass Lass

What would some of those things be? We are starting to have the kids talk, and will likely have our first within the next 1-2 years. My biggest fear is missing out on something I may not be able to do once a kiddie comes along, and regretting it. Does anyone have some examples?..besides lack of sleeping in on Saturday mornings..

lisag8070

Nothing really major but I missed taking my time eating at a restaurant for the first 4 years of my DD's life...she had the attention span of a Knat and as soon as she was done eating she would start kicking off which meant that we had to wolf our food down in about 20 mins flat before she started..and of course we didn't go on vacation for the first 4 years either...but this was purely because we always liked going to hot places and that wasn't an option and plus there was only the two of us which meant it wasn't really a holiday as we were both always knackered..

But thats only the small things...but I will say this... if you ever fancied going up Mount Everest or to a dude ranch for vacation...now is the time to do it..

P.S. Never underestimate the lie-ins...because as long as you've had a good nights sleep...you can handle anything..but when you don't your grumpy and irritable and the little bambinos seem to pick up on this and become grumpy and irritable themselves..(well mine did anyway)..

MsElui

i so agree with Lisa. I recently went away with my family (incl my mum and dad vsisting from the UK) to Niagara Falls - with a 4 months old. The first night she was so ansty she I had to stay in the hotel and have room service while the rest went out for a meal. The second night I had to walk up and down outside the restauant when she had a few 'moments' a few times as i didnt want to disturb everyone else. I end up seeing to the kids (who are 4, 2 and 4 months) food before mine - so mine is always stone cold. Or when i chop up the kids food - i usually do mine too now so i can eat one handed and hold the baby at the same time who without fail kicks off during meals whatever their timing.

sunflwrfrl - stuff like walking or sailing holidays - very hard to do until kids are a fair bit older. Or anything that involves a lot of activity thats would be too hot/ too strenuous/too far/ too dangerous/too long/too quiet/ not interesting enough for the younger ones top do or be carried around for.

christmasoompa

A few things I miss -

can't leave the house instantly (used to be able to just grab keys, jump in car and go). Now it's a military operation and requires 20 mins just to get out the door.

can't go on the kind of holidays we want to anymore. No more 'cultural' weekends in somewhere like Venice, because it's just not suitable for very young children, and can't go to fave places like Africa (safari with a 2 year old - nope, don't think so!)

less 'couple' time, miss being able to go out for dinner or to the cinema easily.

can no longer have a sensible phone conversation. I've taught my kids that they don't interrupt me when I'm on the phone, but inevitably that is the moment that one of them wets themselves, or gets swiped by the cat, or knocks over a pot plant.

can never truly relax, even if I'm sitting reading the paper (a rarity), I've always got one eye on them and never really switch off.

I miss having money! Little blighters cost a fortune.

miss having 'me time' and being somebody other than Mummy. Wiping up poo all day is not terribly fulfilling.

miss being able to eat whatever I want, when I want. Now all meals have to be sensible and nutritious, and at certain times. No more 'oh I missed lunch, but I'll just grab a Mars bar'!!

having to think of others before yourself ALL the time

Mmmmm...........!! I should add to all that, that I utterly adore my children and think they are the best things in the world. I wouldn't change things, and love them beyond belief. My perfect little people.

Had to add the last bit in case anybody thought I really didn't like them much after all of the above!!

lisag8070

ahhh yes...its amazing what you can do with one hand isn't it...but you deserve a medal Luv, you have three...I only have one (I know my limitations)