Rusty Chainsaw

The logistics of moving back seem daunting when you first think about it, but, in reality, all it is is, get visa (if necessary), book flights, book mover, pack stuff, get on plane, go. Take what you need, and sell or ditch that which you don't. Yard sales are very popular in the US, and, if you don't mind a swarm of people in your house, you could sell everything you own in a day!

The logistics back in the UK will be a little more difficult though - what's your situation back there? Do you have family who you could stay with while you get re-established?

Regarding culture shock, that didn't really sink in for me until a year or so after I got here. I was definitely homesick for a while, and I knew there'd be some culture shock, so I took steps to mitigate it as much as I could before I came - I bought a Slingbox to leave in the UK so I could watch British TV live. I joined TheBox and UKNova so I could download shows. I got a Sirius satellite radio so I could listen to the World Service and Radio 1 (they've just ditched R1 though), I got regular care packages of British food and sought out places where I could buy it over here. And it worked, for a while, until I realised that I was a square peg in a round hole, I struggled to make any friends no matter how hard I tried, since I had practically nothing in common with anyone I met, and that I had a strong aversion, on a very basic, moral level, to much of what passes as "normal" here, like the lack of universal healthcare, the death penalty, the lack of holiday days, the ubiquity of guns and so on. Having to adapt to that is a lot more than mere culture shock.

dunroving

To add a slightly different perspective than you have had so far, 3 weeks is nowhere near enough time to decide you want to go back to the UK. As for the comments about your husband, I think they are pretty unreasonable - after all the planning and investment of time and effort into getting there, I'd hardly expect him to simply say All right, you are unhappy so let's sell up and go back home after 3 weeks. A family can't simply be press-ganged into following the wishes of one member, and at the moment it sounds like everyone else is dealing with the move.

A more reasonable compromise would be to come to an agreed period (6 months? 12 months? 2 years?), after which the family should discuss their options.

Sure, there have been people on BE who "knew" immediately that they wanted to go home, and turned out after several years to have been right. But for every one of them, there are others whose culture shock was a temporary thing.

Remember that this is the MBTTUK forum, so many/most people on here either want to go home or already went home, so overall, there will be a bias towards telling you to go back.

Englishman43

If you decide to return to the UK look at it as a new adventure, new life etc rather than a "tail between the legs ".

With regard to culture shock - I've actually found it's got worse the longer I've been here. Or perhaps it's labeled something else but I feel more alienated toward the culture here than I did when I first arrived.

Good luck with everything and keep us posted as to how things are going

hayley BELL

That sounds a sad story too. I am sorry for the loss of your parents. We were in a comfortable financial position when we left - and realised a lot of money from the London house sale so I very foolishly bought this house at $755k but it had been very fixed up and staged for sale and when we closed, I saw how much has been just covered over. Of course workmen see how "fancy" the house looks (or could look: it's built in 1854 so definitely not a typical American McMansion and seem to price their quotes accordingly. My worries are that we will have thrown so much money into it that there is no financial security - nor option for me to go back and as I said before - to what? Husband is not selfish he's just very focussed on his career and also the children. I do come a poor third, but deservedly so. I should go out and get a life I suppose, because he thinks all I see him for is a meal ticket, but I think he is the security. We are on his visa, so if anything happened to him we would be stuck here with an expensive house, no rights to be here (and no desire) and no financial options back in the UK. And I have no one to blame for this but me: there were hardly any rental properties available and very little in the school district to buy. Added to this is the fact that Ann Arbor is definitely not as nice as we were led to believe by the people that so wanted my husband they did a very good sales pitch on us. For a reasonably smart woman I feel i have acted like a complete dope. I'm banging on about the house because it languished on the market for a whole year and the price came down from $1.5 mill to what we paid. Of course if there is the smallest chance we could do the modernisation and then sell it for what we paid plus what we spent - i.e. close to $1m then it won't all have been a total disaster - apart from my misery. Then, at least, we could sell it and if he wanted to tay, he could move to something much smaller and I could move back to UK. It's funny that the world over they really believe in the American dream. Of course its not quite like that when you actually tart living here ....
Hope you enjoyed your yard/garden work. We have bit of a forest for our garden - but I am loath to spend money relandscaping it as need to save all the dollars for the interior. Which state are you in?

Karrie72

Hi Hayley,
I really do feel your pain, you must so must be so overwhelmed by everything right now. It sounds like your house is gorgeous but a huge money/time suck. I do think though that 3 weeks is just too premature to make a rational judgement as to whether you'll settle or not. I bet your emotions are a roller coaster right now and that can sometime cloud judgement. I imagine your husband must be worried sick about you and completely stressed also. Are you really considering leaving your family here and going back to the U.K? If I can be blunt I think that would be a huge mistake. I bet if you and your husband come up with a time frame in which you can reassess your plans you might feel more at ease and start to enjoy the whole adventure of it. It does sound like on a gut level you know its not for you. Your husband does need to take that into consideration. It would be very impractical to up sticks now surely? If you knew you had the option of going back in two years that might change your outlook. I would also advise against visiting the U.K for a good 6-12 months and throw yourself into your life here. Going home might sabotage your efforts at settling in.

Derrygal

Only a single man could have written this post..................

Karrie72

Slightly sexist? Playing devils advocate but I'm sure the husband is equally stressed and worried sick about everything. We might also say 'typical flighty female' although that isn't fair either.
This family are struggling and both hubby and wife have valid viewpoints/grievances. Hopefully this is just another bump in the road for them.

Sally Redux

Hayley, I recognise so many of the feelings you are going through.

Culture shock and depression are extremely hard to deal with and personally, all I've done is come to terms with things somewhat, my underlying feeling that it was the wrong move has not changed after 6 years.

However, what's done is done, your husband is no doubt feeling bad about how things have turned out but may feel the need to put on a brave face.

I hope you can work something out which doesn't lead to a family break-up.

scrubbedexpat097

3 weeks honey is not enough time to break a family up. What would you feel like back in the UK if your kids stayed here?

First things first. You cant change the fact that you have a home that is tying you down. Why not try and enjoy it, it sounds beautiful. Secondly reach out to other expats in AA, There is at least one on here, goes by the name "monster". Send her a PM, I'm sure she would give some moral support. Thirdly talk to your family and give a time line. Maybe things will improve or book a trip back for a holiday. Something to look forward to.

Try and stay positive 3 weeks is no time yet..

dunroving

That's simply sexist and facile. If the situation were the other way around (husband wants to leave, wife wants to stay), I'd be giving the same advice.

And what about my viewpoint regarding the kids? Are you saying only a single man could appreciate their situation? That doesn't make any sense.

p.s. Just to be clear, I wasn't referring to the OP's comments about her husband, I was referring to other posts.

sallysimmons

I agree with dunrovin. I simply don't understand how anyone can make any kind of decision just 3 weeks in.

I hope this doesn't sound too blunt, but it sounds as though every aspect of this move has been done without careful thought and study of all the options and implications - including buying the house. Perhaps it's time to stop reacting and start being more deliberate about decisions, because these are all decisions that affect the whole family.

A big move like this is a shock to anyone - most of us leave knowing that in advance and prepare for it. I think you have to do that mental preparation now and then get on with it for a while. When a year or two have passed, you can decide what you want to do next. If the move really has been a mistake, perhaps the rest of the family will have caught up with your feelings by then.

monster

She already met me, maybe that's why she wants to go back?


oooh, I haven't been on here in ages -I quit using that signature line ages ago!

Hayley, first step is to make it back from the UK next week. You asked me if I wanted any shopping and I said no, but now I'm thinking maybe I should ask you to bring me something so you have to come back. Ann Arbor is OK, really. I remember the culture shock, really I do. And I was maybe in an easier place than you with younger children, but it does get better, it will get better.

You are totally doing the right thing posting on here and talking to other expats. Maybe not necessarily in the MBTUK forum, but to people who've been there, done it, got through it. Britnet (the other British Expatriate site now sadly all but deceased) helped me immensely.

I'm still working on the ripe avocados, but I have a tree surgeon for you.

Oh and please, just call me monster here, if you're still speaking to me


BTW update for those who knew me on Britnet 10 years ago when I was in the "oh my god what have I done" stage..... yup, I'm thoroughly Americanized now. hayley can attest

scrubbedexpat097

Oh yeah...you are a true American Almost as much as me now.

Come back and visit again sometime. M has more bikes for the kids to try out

monster

We'll try. Went west this year....

Fish n Chips 56

I see nothing wrong with this post, maybe Derry is walking in this womans shoes and knows exactly how it feels, many men seem to rule the roost as weve seen before on this forum...