Tracy in Texas

Hi !
Well, I think I'm going out of my mind.
I just want to see if anyone else is thinking along the same lines / is in the same situation as myself.

I was born in London, lived in the UK until I was 26.
Got divorced from hubby #1, (no kids) applied to an Arab Airline to be a Flight attendant (fancied a change!) - got accepted . . .
Moved to Bahrian (Middle east ) for 3 years.
Met hubby #2 (American) got married.
Moved to Virginia, (he was in the US Navy)
Moved to Texas (when he got out of the Navy)
Lived here in Texas since 1999.

Well . . . I STILL don't feel settled in America.
I loved it in Bahrain (my job, living there etc) but hubby got orders to move to Virginia, by the Navy, so we had to come to the US) Plus, ex-pats cannot own property in Bahrain.

We've been through as LOT of stress (infertility treatment mainly, which didn't work, so still no kids) but I just don't feel happy here. Been thinking a lot about moving to Australia lately. (I've been there, it's not just a whim)
I quit my job, I'm going back to college full time to become a nurse (RN) so that should help with the points test for Oz.

What I really want to know is . . . has evryone on here settled ok? Or, do you still have thoughts of moving somewhere new?
I would never go back to the UK, my parents live in Portugal, brother's in UK, but hubby adamantly said he does not want to live in Europe at all, but might consider Australia.

Just wondering.
Tracy.

sallys

I have lived in the US since '74 - left England in the late 60's and lived in S. Africa, Mozambique, Amsterdam and Germany... if I had gotten divorced while living in either Michigan or Texas, I probably would have left, but I got divorced in Seattle, which I loved until it got too big and crazy - transferred to Bend, Oregon, which is great for now, but plan on retiring to or close to the Oregon Coast, so this is my forever home now... went to the UK a couple of weeks ago - it was nice, but I have no plans to return...

Squirrel

Why won't your hubby consider Europe? It seems a little unfair that you moved to the US for him but he will not consider the UK or any of Europe. Also in the UK they are now allowing 2 attempts at IVF on the NHS.
I think there are ways of getting around the ex-pat not being able to purchase property in Bahrain thing. You can set up a limited company and buy 50:50 with a local. At least that's what I read somewhere. They may even have changed the law. Or you could just keep your property in the US as a nest egg and rent a property in Bahrain. What about Dubai? That's supposed to be nice and lots of English speaking/European ex-pats there.
Problem with Australia is it is very far away from family and lots of people find it quite insular.

Tracy in Texas

Thanks for the replies. Nice to know that total strangers can be bothered to give advice/views.
Yes, I heard about the IVF deal in the UK. I'm looking into it further at the moment.
Like I said, I don't want to live back in the UK, in fact it scares me - I keep hearing from my relatives still there that it's really going downhill - way too many assylum seekers and illegal immigrants taking all the benefits, racial tension (because of the immigrants etc), higher crime, unemployment, an economy that's spiralling out of control, health care standards dropping to new lows etc etc etc.
I don't really know if it's that bad, but I spent 3 months over there last year (doing IVF at a private hospital) and I couldn't wait to get back to Texas ! I couldn't believe how expensive food, petrol, clothing and day to day living is in the UK now. (Haven't lived in the UK for about 11 years)
I don't think we could afford to live there ! Property has gone through the roof - the house I sold near Cambridge when I left for GBP 40,000 is now worth GBP 98,000 Unbelievable !!
Well, I think I'll stay in Texas for now and get my RN, then have a look around to see where we could both want to live.
Hubby's against Europe, as he sees the EU as a big mistake.
Oh well, I'll consider my options.
Thanks again.
Tracy.

Englishmum

Tracy - it's quite refreshing to read your post.

We left the UK just over 9 years ago and spent 51/2 years on a company expat posting in Singapore. Just like expats in the Middle East, assignments in Asia are fantastic with so many perks and so many neighbouring countries to travel to.

We knew we would leave Singapore as soon as our eldest had taken her IGCSE's and my husband had the choice of being posted to Tokyo or New York. I would have loved to have lived in Japan for a couple of years, but my husband really wanted the New York job as he saw it as a better career move and we've been here since the Summer of 2000.

I just can't settle here. I really hate the cold, cold winters here in the North East. I don't really want to move back to the UK either (maybe when I'm an old lady). I do somehow feel guilty when I know that so many people are desperate to move to the States, but it's very expensive to live in the New York metropolitan area so I don't feel as if we are necessarily living a more prosperous life than we were when we were living in the UK. There is definitely a big emphasis on displaying one's wealth here which I find distasteful, and I find that it's hard to make close friends with the Americans here, I would regard them as acquaintances really as friendships tend to be shallow and superficial - but I must point out that most people in our neighbourhood are transplanted New Yorkers, well known for their rudeness!.

Like you, I've had a few visits to Australia (and have many Aussie expat friends) and I would much rather live Down Under than in the US. The problem is, my husband doesn't want to go as he knows that the income tax is so high in Oz - but I argue that money isn't everything and I'd rather have a relaxed lifestyle than live amongst all the neurotic people here! He isn't even around half of the time, he's always taking off for overseas or domestic business trips. What I do know is that I don't want to live in the States when I'm old and possibly sick

Vicky88

We have a similar story. We moved to Australia in December last year. We had been living the expat lifestyle for the previous 16 years, moving between 5 different countries. Before returning to Oz we were living in San Diego. Whilst we enjoyed it, thought there were many fantastics aspects, it never felt like home. The possiblity of us ever being able to afford to buy a house was zilch and I had so many problems trying to get my work permit that the effort got too much. My husband travelled a lot for work, so for 80% of my time I was on my own. Add in that we don't have children, have the same IF issues as you, and my life seemed so empty. Most people my age worked, and those who didn't work have children and I didn't feel the need to have that rubbed in my face each and every day.

The move has worked out to some extent for us. I am Australian so we are now living near my family which has solved the problem of me being on my own. We don't live in each others pockets, but we are there when we need each other, or just want to talk. My husband has been fortunate to continue his employment with his US employer so financially we have noticed no difference. We are enjoying living in our current location but won't stay forever. I think the reasons behind my not being 100% satisfied is firstly, I have not been able to find a job I love. I am working and earning reasonable money, but it has hurt me that I have been out the work force for so long, in the sense that I have not been able to perform well at interviews. I'm hoping that if I work hard at my my current position for the next 6 months that will give me confidence at future interviews. Secondly, it has been hard to adjust to Australian thinking, they do love their barbies and a drink or two. Just for once I wish I could meet someone who has read a book or wants to talk about the stock market and investing. I'm not saying these people don't exist, I have friends in other locations who I have such conversations with, but I haven't met anyone locally. However, have to add that I have made more friends here in 4 months than I did in 15 months in San Diego.

I believe you could make a go of it in Australia if you have a realistic attitude. I think one of the most important keys for living here is having the money to be able to take off to Europe if you feel like it. I used to travel a lot with my husband last year and at the moment my mind is filled with when can I next go to Italy, hell I will even chuck in my job if I feel like going. I think you would be wise to stay and finish your RN as that is your ticket to going anywhere in the world.

BTW UK is the last place in the world I would go for IF treatment. I was in the system there and it was the shittiest system I have ever encountered. I can not find one good thing to say about the system and their supposedly fantastic St Mary's or any other unit. I feel very bitter about my medical treatment there as it cost me 2 pregnancies.

I would add that I do miss the true expat lifestyle, you know the type more prevalent in non-English speaking countries and more remote areas. If it comes about again in a few years that DH gets a good offer to go somewhere we want to go, I would be up for it.

Tracy in Texas

Thanks for the replies ladies (Englishmum and Vicky 88)
Well, that's just how I feel - I know I should be grateful for being able to get here (the U.S.) so 'easily', compared to some people, as others would give their right arm for that.
But . . . I agree . . after living in the Austin area since 1999, I still only have acquaintances, not friends - and es, the women here seem to be very shallow and transparent. (nothing like the loads of friends I had in the UK and Bahrain ) Luckily for me, I did meet another Brit girl here and we are now like sisters but I don't get to see her that much as she's now re-married and lives further away. I feel very isolated - like you said Vicky- everyone seems to have kids and I don't like having my face rubbed in it either. It seems like the whole American lifestyle revolves around family and children, and I have neither. (well, I have family but they live overseas) Even my in-laws live in another state - a small town in Arkansas that I flatly refused to live in after DH left the Navy (everyone knows each other's business there and it's way too small for me - a real one-horse town) Hubby is obviously American and LOVES it here in Texas. He said he'd stay at his job until he dies he loves it so much and that he'd live in our house forever too, as it's 'perfect' for us. It makes me sick that he's so happy about everything and I am very unsettled and unhappy.
I wonder if moving to another country would even help, actually, maybe I won't be happy anywhere? (that's what hubby told me anyway, and I'm starting to believe it !) Maybe it is just me, and the grass will always be greener??
Yes, Vicky, a LOT of this has to do with the infertility thing. I was on those stupid IF newsgroups over here for at least 7 years. In fact, I just sold the last of my leftover Gonal-F last week !! We've done 8 Clomid cycles, 8 IUI's and one IVF. I'm done with it I really am. We have given up. That's another thing - I would like to adopt, but DH doesn't. Aaaaaaarrrrgggghhhh !!!
Yes, I will get my RN, but even that may not be my key to happiness, but it will open some doors. I agree with you about the NHS IVF stuff- they are pretty useless (that's why I went privately last year - a lovely private hospital in Essex - way cheaper than doing it in the US, but it didn't work)
Well, anyway, that's enough of my moaning.
I'm trying to get my parents to move over here but they can't afford the health insurance, so . . . . .
Thanks for listening,
Tracy

effi

I am so sorry to hear about your trials and tribulations with IVF. I have a friend in Philly who is 37 and has been trying for over 12 years. She has been on chlomid for 3 months and was getting ready to start some sort of fertility shots at over $2000 per month. Well, she phoned me up on Monday and she is pregnant. I am so excited for her she will be an awesome mum. Like you said, maybe moving to another country will still not satisfy you. I don't know what the solution is but if you are not happy then you are not happy.

I lived in Philly for 10 years before moving to AZ 6 years ago. I loved Philly. I loved my home, I had a great job that I would have had until I was ready to retire. My son and grandson live there. But, hubby got the chance of a promotion and a move here so took it. It is the worst thing we ever did, I miss it all so much. I have very few friends here, they are all in Philly. American life is so superficial and like you said, the people are very difficult to make friends with. I have one close friend who lives in CA who is thinking of moving back to AZ.

It is not like all this was new to me. We spent 25 years in the RAF and moved on average every 2 years and lived all over the world. America is not all it is cracked up to be though and if the dickhead gets another 4 years in office it will be unbearable.

Vicky88

Tracy

It sounds as if so much of your unhappiness is tied in with the IF issues. Know what you mean about those internet groups, as I had similar experiences, everyone moaning about what a hard time they had TTC but they all had 3 kids in the time I was trying, but each time they would reappear moaning they didn't know whether they would ever get pregnant again. It does tend to make you a bit bitter. I think it is very difficult to reach the point where you say you are not going to try anymore and actually mean it. For me, I am now there, though it took me 18 months to get there from our initial declaration of no more trying. For so long I was hoping for a miracle yet at the same time knowing it would never be.

Anyway in your situation, given that your husband loves your current location, I would hesitate to be in a rush to uproot him. However, if you are prepared to compromise on where you live surely he can compromise on the adoption issue. My husband was never really interested in adoption, just recently we have started to talk about it, but I am of the mind we won't do it. Too hard and too expensive here in Oz.

I think my greatest difficulty is I only ever had plan A, that was have a baby and be a SAHM. Since having to find a plan B I have definitely floundered.

Tracy in Texas

Hi Vicky,
Thanks again for the reply. Very sweet of you.
Well, it looks like we're in the same boat as far as infertility is concerned. Yes, it is very difficult actually coming to the point of giving up and then going through with it. My Mum keeps phoning me and telling me to get IVF done on the NHS in the UK, as she's heard that a Citizen there can get one free on the NHS now, but I'm not going to - I just can't keep putting all my plans/life on the back boiler and putting myself through all that again. After 8 years of TTC, we have officially given up. I am 37 years old, and I still don't know 'what I want to be when I grow up', as I only ever thought I'd be a Mum !! I've tried several careers, but now my Plan B is to be an RN, so at least I'll have that under my belt for future reference !! Also, just going to college takes my mind off all the IF stuff. I don't even know if I'll like being a nurse, I guess I'll wait and see !! Well, if not I could always go back to being a Flight Attendant again - there's no age limit here in the US, so they'll hire me even if I am old and wrinkly !! (Saying that though, I can easily pass for at least 10 years younger than I am, and whenever I buy alcohol in the supermarkets, they usually ask for my drivers licence !! - I reckon it's because I don't have kids that keeps me looking young !!!) See, there is ONE benefit !!!
Well, best of luck on finding your "Plan B" and also with the adoption consideration. Hey, if you ever want to PM or e-mail me, feel free.
Where in Australia are you BTW?
Is your hubby an Aussie?
We are considering Perth after I get my RN, but everything's up in the air and I change my mind about 10 times a day - drives DH mad !!
Well, take care,
Tracy in Texas.