Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

I had posted on BE a few months back..dithering about whether I should leave Oz and head back to UK...am still here but just on the point of going into the travel agents and booking that one way ticket....have got all the shipping oxes and started to pack...but is something holding me back from booking the flight...doesnt help that am leaving behind my Australian fiance (he refuses to go back to UK)...or that I dont really know what am going back to, having spent the best part of 3 years entirely focused on Oz, the visa, coming out here..and while I know I cant stay here, I just am scared I will have regrets...that I didnt try it longer..that I am looking at home with rosy tinted specs...

Not really sure what I am asking for with this post....but maybe some thoughts from those who felt like me, went home and regretted it..or who went home and knew they had made the right choice...

This whole emigration thing is an emotional roller coster..sometimes I wish I had never even gave Oz a second thought and just got on with life back in the UK:-(

Any advice??

Karni

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

If you take time to read through the threads in this forum you will see posts from plenty of people who are very happy to be back in the UK. There are a few who have regretted it but you can't please all the people all the time.

Leaving your fiance behind can't be easy...some people have left their husband and children behind they were so unhappy in their new country.

I'm sure you'll get plenty of replies to your questions on here. Good luck.

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

Thanks JerseyGirl...
I have read a lot of the posts on BE over the past few months...I think the balance of odds is that those who were very unhappy here are glad to be back...I think my problem is perhaps mainly leaving behind my aussie fiance rather than Oz itself...to be with him means staying in Oz forever..those are the terms he has set...and while I love him that just doesnt seem fair to me:-(

thanks for the advice...hope your situation is slightly brighter..though I know anyone who is looking on 'going home' focum in BE mustnt be totally settled!

Thanks a million
Karni

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

Hi there,

Can't answer your question properly as I've not made the move yet but we are looking at returning to the UK next year for good and thought I'd share!

I'm sure you will always have wobbles - I certainly do but I feel reassured by the fact that if I'm going to do it, I am going to do it properly this time. We have citizenship and I'm in the (super frustrating) process of getting our Australian passports sorted out. Although I'd get on a plane tomorrow and am very down about the wait sometimes, we've agreed to stay until next year to get some money saved. This will mean we can hopefully hang onto our house over here and not give up on Aussie life entirely. I've a sneaky suspicion that we'll want to come back at some point and I'd like to have that option. THis is exactly what we didn't do in the UK - we sold up and shipped out and it's now going to be tough getting back on the property ladder so I want to make sure I don't make the same mistake over here.

We are also heading back for a month at Xmas to try and suss out how we feel about the place. Nothing will prepare us totally but I feel better knowing I've taken the rosy specs off for a moment!

My hubby really didn't want to even think about heading back and was only going along with what I wanted for a long time (thankfully he never said Oz or me which must be awful for you - are you sure you'd want to marry this bloke?) but we did a lot of talking and he's now really happy with the plan.

Have you thought about going back for a visit/citizenship? I guess the latter may not be applicable if you're on a spouse visa but if you are not sure whether the UK is right perhaps a recce is in order? Not easy I know and at the end of the day, if you're not happy you have to do something about it - there are plenty of people who can testify to going home and being over the moon but there are also one or two who hated it and ping-ponged straight back to Oz.

Several friends have moved back in the last few years and they are both happy but certain they won't stay forever. It's a difficult one eh?

If you are not happy - change it. If you don't want to change it - it can't be that bad!

Hope you work something out.

Em

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

I think your problem isnt as cut and dried as first appears. Firstly let me qualify myself commenting, by saying my Aussie wife of 27 years, said exactly the same thing to me, before I slipped a engagement ring on her finger back in the UK in early 1980.

I didn't know much about Aussie then, save for a six week holiday here from 77 through xmas 78, where I met my wife. I did know it felt pretty good here, but never dreamed I would end up living here. She came over to the UK late 78, whereupon we started living together in London, got married late 1980, and lived here ever since.

I may be delving into the realms of cloud cuckoo land with this one. However this could be a case of finances/income not being compatable with desires. IE: how much time would your fiance be prepared to stay in the UK each year, or vice versa Aussie for you. If the answer is none then you are stumped. If he says/you say, I could go with you every year for a few weeks to a few months, or whatever other concession you are both prepared to make, then you could have the basis of negotiation. Bear in mind feelings about places and people can change dramatically, in relatively short time.


Thing is, I'm approaching the stage, where I can envisage spending a reasonable amount of time in the UK every year, if I want to. That comes down to financial position.

Basically I'm approaching your problem with the "money is no object" point of view, which means if you and your partner where in the position to go and be where you wanted at any time, would that change things ?

Hope the above doesn't confuse the issue to much, but I do hate seeing people split up.

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

I was in the US for about 3 years, loved it but also really missed UK, my wife hated it and made us come home so I never really made my own mind up on moving back, she had her own reasons for coming back and we went our seperate ways when we landed, our 11 year old son came with me.
My son has wanted to go ever since and i really want to and have new visas and the company i worked for made me an offer last Oct and still want me back. I'm not happy in the UK but have a similar issue to yourself, have been with someone since last Oct, we met about 6 days before i received the official offer and she was an old close friend so i've not been able to think clearly about the whole situation. If, like you, I go i would be leaving someone behind to, i think that this is what clouds the decision making, especially where i would be living, very small town of 1500 in the middle of know where.
As much as i'm not a big fan of the UK and don't feel the freedom i felt in the US I do feel like I belong, i really did fit in well in the US but it always felt alien especially in a small town where everyone has history etc.

I know how much better off i would be in the US, how much more fun my son would have and just generally a better life but my biggest fear is moving and feeling the way you are describing. I also feel I wished i'd never moved so i wouldn't be stuck on this fence.

It's hard to say that if you move you won't regret it, obviously you'll have things to get over, leaving your bloke behind, you will need a good support system, i was lucky enough that i moved into my parents house with my son so the initial blow of losing 'everything' was a little easier.

My cousin was on holiday in Oz about 12 years ago, met a bloke and has been there ever since, she really misses london and still goes on about coming home even tho her life would never be as good but she never will, i guess we all just miss what we know and were used to.

Have you thought of taking a holiday home on your own for a bit to see how you feel.

My company in the US have let me visit 3 times since last year to try help me decide, i just want to be in both places i guess, but it is so much easier visiting as you know you coming back, moving is a little different.

I guess i do regret coming home somewhat but my wife is the devil and was making life unbearable so at the time i didn't really have many options, i did feel i wanted to come home at that time but the way things where anyone would have felt the same.

It's really hard to picture yourself making the move and living back in the UK and trying to figure out how you will feel, I guess you have to weigh up the two different lifestyles and decide which one is best for you.

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

Hi
We as a family of 6 have just returned to the uk from New Zealand in June (myself and 1 daughter) Hubby and 3 others in July 07. My husband and family Did not want to return at all, but I could not settle at all, for lots of reasons. i justknew that I had to come home. But since returning, it is only my hubby and 1 daughter who would actually return to NZ now, the others r hapy to stay.
have I any regrets? I miss a lot of things now in New Zealand and I can see good and bad in both, but it a personal decision. I know a colleague at work who has a friend in Australia, who has been out there for 3 years and is returning in October 2008.Emmigrating does not work for all of us. it hasn't put me off. I am quite happy to try another country and I know that the UK will always be a big part of who I am.
I am sorry about your fiancee, but it just goes to show how important you are to him, give and take is easier said than done, especially when one wants to stay and one wants to go. We were at this stage in january 07 and although my hubby has returned, maybe he will never settle here as he is not happy, all we have done is move countries where he does not want to stay, just as i was earier in the year in NZ. I wish I could give u a simple answer. but it is the most dificult decision in you life. Good Luck, I wish u al lthe best.
Anne-Marie

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

Karni I totally understand where you are coming from here - no matter how much you want to return, you will always wonder if you are doing the right thing going home.

We desperately wanted to go home but it didn't stop those feelings of are we doing the right thing, will we regret it, should we try for longer etc. I needn't have worried though because as soon as we arrived here it was just amazing to be back home and we appreciate all the things that we took for granted before - the country pubs, leafy lanes, the beautiful scenery all within a short drive away, the people, sense of humour - I could go on but don't want to bore everyone.

I can't say that I don't miss some things about Oz - the beautiful weather, the lovely vibrant city, the happy, laid back attitude, beautiful clear blue seas and lovely beaches - I wish I could have a trapdoor to walk through to visit every so often. That said though, I am so much happier living my life in the UK and would never ever return to Oz to live permanently.

Of course there will be others who wish they hadn't returned, not everyone is the same or wants the same things in life, and realistically, you can only go with your feelings at the time.

It's so difficult a decision when, like you say our lives have been taken up for years, planning, applying, waiting for those prized visas. And for you, its worse having to end a relationship.

I'd always say go with your instincts - it's often the right thing to do.

Good luck :)

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

To answer your question in the thread title, yes - twice. In 2000, I came back from Tennessee (which I loved), and was hit immediately with homesickness, plus a rather dodgy job situation (department was in danger of closing, various other problems that didn't come out at interview). To be fair, my colleagues were just fine and I enjoyed the students, and I enjoyed the village I stayed in, next to lovely Scottish hills. But the uncertainty and lack of professional opportunities, p;lus the homesickness meant that I returned (to a fantastic job) in North Carolina after just a year.

I also came back (from NC) 12 months ago and after 6 months teaching statistics to nurses, I got a job (ironically, in the same place I worked in 2000) and again live in that same village next to lovely hill walks. The "Oh crap, what have I done?" feeling this time is all about finances - look for my other posts to see what it's all about, but basically it looks like I'll be paying a huge mortgage from now to retirement and way beyond. No money left at the end of the month, nada, zilch (and I mean after just BASIC expenses).

This may be obvious, but I think people who return and are happy meet several of the following:

Really disliked their adopted country.
Return to a familiar place.
Have general agreement among their significant others that they want to return.
Still have a strong network of family and friends.
Either made money while overseas or at least didn't lose out financially (often because they kept a property in the UK)

I think people who return and regret it meet several of the following:

Were actually quite happy in their adopted country (that's me).
Return to an unfamiliar place or somewhere grotty.
Have disharmony among their significant others about the decision to return.
Do not have a strong network of familiy or friends (that's me, too)
Are considerably disadvantaged financially as a result of their return to the UK (that's definitely me, too).

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

When I went to Oz I went there with the view that I'll see what it is like and maybe give it a couple of years to decide whether I wanted to be there or not. When I got engaged, I started having the wobbles, because it became more permanent. I did get married and when my family left I had a feeling of being trapped. That can put a lot of pressure of a new marriage, we ended up breaking up later. Everyone then thought I would return, but I didn't, and stayed. I did feel unsettled for quite a while and when my father was ill 12 years later I returned. It was a culture shock to me, and in many ways I had grown away from it. Had I returned 3 years later I think I would have settled back into a routine quickly enough, years later I found it tougher. I live in Spain now because I love the lifestyle which I did miss from Oz and it was as near enough to what I was used to without going back to the other side of the world and close enough to UK.

Depending on what is really important to you and also how your man is. But there could be resentment later on, and it might be a black cloud over your marriage. When I returned to the UK, it was meant to be only a few months, it has been longer. But I put my belongings in storage in Oz and then returned. It also gave me time to think where I really wanted to be when I was in the UK. I loved Oz, but I didn't return, because I felt it was too far away to see my family. Now I know I'm a couple of hours away if I need to get back. That can also make the difference, especially when you are married and children come along, you may not have the finances to return if you want to.

Never an easy decision and UK and Oz will always have it's pros and cons. You decide what type of lifestyle you want, the people who are important to your life and which country will give it to you. I think sometimes the longer you are away it can be harder to return, because we all do change. Also is a factor is money, where you will be able to afford to live, and job opportunities. Maybe come back for a short spell, get a temping job if need be, depending on what you do, and then re-evaluate whether you want to be in the UK, or with your man in Oz. Only then you will know if you are making the right decision or not. By putting your stuff in storage for a short spell will also save you money in shipping costs if you find UK isn't what your really want and want to return back to Oz. Its what I did anyway, until I made a firm decision, so valuable money wasn't fritted away in moving costs backwards and forwards. Be aware of the exchange rate also can eat money up very quickly and doesn't always go as far as you think it will, when you return.

Best of luck and hope you make a decision that you are happy with.

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

Hi Karni

Some v good replies to your predicament.
You're in a tough one arent you.
Not only have you the feelings of wanting to be in the Uk (or not Oz) long term but the whole having to leave your fiance to do so. That you are contemplating doing so says alot, in my mind about the strength of your feelings to leave Oz. Also, if my partner categorically said no way to living where I wanted, no discussion, I'd not like that.
I was chatting to a friend a while ago, shes aussie, she was in the same situ as you but in the UK. She loved her man loads and said it was a really hard thing to do (her sister was living nearby in UK too) but she knew much as she loved living in UK, it wasnt somewhere she wanted to be long term, she wanted to live her life in Oz. She left, hard as it was. shes really glad she did.
Much as I wanted to come back, in a very different situ from you (single), I had pinged back b4 so was worried how I'd feel being back. Only been home a week but must say I'm happy as larry to be back, tis brill in so many ways.
Your bound to get the wobbles and if you do leave, which it sounds like you want to, you're bound to feel torn. stay strong and focused and remember to cut yourself some slack, you're doing a hard thing.
good luck with it, thinking of you
lotsa love
Tanya
xxx

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

While this may be true for you, it certainly wasnt for us. I don't think its right to generalise and think that everyone is the same.

Really disliked their adopted country - We loved many parts of it
Return to a familiar place - We have moved out of our old town and couldn't be happier
Have general agreement among their significant others that they want to return - Very close family fell out with over our return and still don't speak to us
Still have a strong network of family and friends - we've made a whole new set of friends since returning
Either made money while overseas or at least didn't lose out financially (often because they kept a property in the UK) - We lost all our money in our move to Oz and have had to start over again.

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

Hi LouiseD - in fairness to Dunroving, it is extremely difficult to make any kind of point on this forum without generalising a bit. If we didn't generalise, every post would be about a page long!:)

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

I don't think that everyone is the same - just listing what I have seen are common patterns among successful/unhappy returnees.

Like everything else, there are exceptions to the general pattern. But I think I have described many of the characteristics that differentiate between those who are more likely, and those who are less likely to be happy on returning to the UK.

I think to ignore the factors that often (not always) characterize successful/unsuccessful returns is in fact to fall into the trap of generalizing - wow, lots of people on MBTTUK ended up being very happy, so therefore I will be happy (or vice versa). I really do believe that if you go home broke, with a discordant family (just to clarify, I mean spouse and kids were not on the same page about returning - not wider family in the UK), to somewhere you don't know, a long way from friends or family (or don't have many friends or family in the UK), you are more likely to be unhappy - not doomed or destined to be, just more likely.

Re: Anyone gone back to UK and regretted it?
 

Thanks for all the useful advice guys..I really appreciate everyone taking the time out to give me their advice and it has all been really useful.
Unfortunately spending a few years in Oz, then a few years in the UK is not an option for us...we would both want to start a family and that becomes impossible with kiddies in school etc etc..
Unfortunately it seems we have come to the end of the line with our relationship as we cant reach an agreement on where to live, and to be honest the constant discussing of the issue over the past few months has caused a massive strain in our relationship to the point where myself and may partner just feel drained..
Just a quick question for Mercedes..I like the idea of putting my stuff in storage for a month or so just to see how I feel..can you, or anyone else recommend anyone in Sydney? I am using Seven Seas for shipping but am unsure if they do storage also.
Once again..thanks everyone for all the advice...it looks like I am definetely homeward bound..and sooner rather than later!
Thanks
K