SJG31

Hi, i have been living in the US for 41/2 years, my husband is from here and i moved over. I have had bouts of homesickness before, but it just seems to be getting a little worse and a little more often. With the time difference it makes life hard to get in contact with friends and family and also friends back home just say "come home" when anything seems wrong, which really doesn't help, so i am finding i am not confiding in my old friends from the UK. Friends here are few and far between and so i find it rather lonely at times (though i am good with my own company most of the time). I have stopped work as i have a small child who was very premature, i love spending time with him as he is such a joy. However, i find it so hard to talk to my husband about my homesickness as he just gets cross and frustrated why i get sad and down. I think he feels guilty for me giving up my life in the UK, i keep trying to tell him that i CHOSE to move and to be with him and share a life together but it sometimes feels like he resents me having done that. It has got to the point where i can't even show that i am down as he just thinks i am p***ed off the whole time with him, and closes up and walks away. Can anyone suggest how i should deal with this as i feel really rather sad and lonely. Thanks

vcf49

Hi there,

Have you tried looking on MeetUp for some Expat groups near you - possibly with some Mum and baby activities as these are pretty good for ice breakers with new people!? It may just give you chance to blow off some steam without being judged as most of us get those sorts of feelings at some point or another - sometimes more frequently and sometimes more severely and it sometimes just helps to talk about it to someone who's not a long-term friend from 'the before'.

Sally Redux

My husband is British but he doesn't like it if I get sad and down either, I think men handle things slightly differently. You have had some huge life changes to deal with though, and hopefully you can find a way to express your feelings to him that he can understand. Sorry I don't have any tips, I find it difficult to fit in here as well, however checking out activities with other mums should be a good starting-point. All the best.

Weeze

I think having a baby is such a huge change that it makes you question everything. When I had my first (back in the UK, but away from family), I found I naturally drifted away from some friends as they didn't have kids and we were just at such different places in our lives. Add to that, life doesn't change that much for the one out at work. They go to work and nothing is different in their day. The person at home has to get use to everything changing. Having left the UK as well gives you something else to question.
Mom and baby groups are great. They make you realise that everyone goes through the same. Check out Moms club international (http://www.momsclub.org/). They are a non-religious, nation wide moms club. Lots of US moms will feel the same way about being away from family. Meetup is also a really good suggestion. Your local library will probably do a baby activity as well. You could try babycentre.com as well (the UK version) or babycenter.com (the US version). That's always good for venting.

scrubbedexpat097

How old is baby? Is he still very young? Could be part of your sadness is post partum depression which may have happened wherever you were living.

As Sally R said it is sometimes hard for men to understand us women and are at a loss at how to make us feel better. The mother/baby groups are a good start and I always found (actually still find) that making plans for future trips/fun days out etc really helps.

If you cannot work right now how about doing some kind of volunteer work a couple of evenings a week when husband is home to take care of the baby. It will give you a break, you will meet other people and it will be something worth while which always makes you feel better!

It's hard when you are so alone but the only way around it is to put yourself out there honey and try and make life better. Only you can do that, I'm sure you can Good luck x

WEBlue

Yes, give yourself credit for haveing upended your whole life! First you moved to a foreign country (and it IS foreign, despite what some say), leaving family, friends, & old way of life behind. Then you had your first child under what must have been difficult circumstances (the prematurity). No wonder you've got overwhelming feelings right now.

I was a basket case when I had my first child far from my home country. I felt like I'd been thrown into the shark-infested open sea with no swimming lessons beforehand. There were problems with the birth which took me several years to come to terms with, not to mention the anxiety of negotiating a completely different healthcare system. It took me quite a while to recover my balance & realise how fragile I was at some points back then.

And no, my husband didn't understand at all. Though he tried to be supportive, he thought women were somehow all pre-programmed to handle this birth stuff. Not so, & certainly not far from our life-long support systems of family, friends & "home".

Give yourself credit for surviving. Keep trying to talk to your hubby in a neutral & non-accusatory way. These are YOUR feelings--not his, & not really his fault--but he could sure help by listening without walking away. (Some men are rotten at just listening. they always feel they have to "do" something, & they feel bad if there's nothing to "do".) Try to find some mum groups--as everyone has said, it can help enormously if they're the right ones. At least these are women who've gone through some of the experiences you are dealing with now. And if your OH does keep shutting down, talk to him about counselling sessions for you or both of you if your health insurance allows.

SJG31

Thank you all for your support, it's good to keep it in perspective. My son is now 1 1/2 years old, I have been on websites for mothers and toddlers groups but i am in an area that there are no, non-religious groups (i am in Idaho Falls, Idaho) and it is very Mormon (i am agnostic). The library is a good one so i will give that a try. We did swim classes but as with many other threads i have found, here people tend to be the very kind and interested types who say "let's meet up" but don't actually follow through. It's just that i had my 40th birthday recently and of course the memories of my 30th were exceedingly different and i just felt really out of touch, as my close friends in the UK were all at each others 40th parties except me. I felt very sad and my OH keeps thinking that i just want to leave. I try to explain that i do really enjoy it here and it is a great place to bring up our son, kids can be kids here and play in the front garden etc. but he just refuses to believe that i can miss things about the UK without wanting to go back! Leaving me very frustrated and guilty for feelings of sadness.

WEBlue

Oh wow, is Idaho Falls Mormon? Long ago my husband was recruited (strenuously) by a lab there. We made a quick visit & even checked out some schools. We liked some of what we saw, but in the end my husband turned it down & we went to TX instead. We never suspected it to be heavily Mormon. (I guess in a way we unknowingly dodged a bullet there.)

Are there non-Mormons there? Any other, less . . . intense churches around maybe? I know when I moved to TX with a baby, there was a (I think) Methodist Church that had some decent activities for mums & babies, & I ended up getting my little one into their Mothers-Day-Out program one morning a week too. I'm not very religious but that was never a problem. They were pretty low-key & mostly focussed on the babies, which was nice.

Some neighbours here on the east coast US have told us that a couple of local churches are very low-key. The Unitarian & Friends (Quaker) churches seem to have that reputation here, and can provide support without too much proselitising & propaganda. However, I haven't been, so I can't personally say anything about either. But . . . even though you're agnostic, sometimes when you're in an area with very high-pressure religion, it's best to seek something quieter & gentler on the religious front, where the folk will provide some support but not be "in your face" too much.

Anyway, good luck. Idaho Falls seemed beautiful in some ways back when I saw it, but it certainly is very different from the UK.

MarylandNed

Since you've given up work and your child is young, could you go back to the UK for a visit? That might help.

Also, think about getting some counselling. Hopefully you can persuade your husband to go with you. You are obviously having some issues dealing with your homesickness and there also seems to be a communication issue with your husband.

grb256

Online stuff just isn't the same as face to face interaction, and I think it gets to a point where even that can get depressing, so I know what you mean there.

Do you have any hobbies that can get you out and about meeting new ppl? or a his and her sport, that you can both enjoy and hopefully make some new friends?

I have found it difficult to make many friends in the 3 years I have been here - not that I had a billion at home mind you lol.

Weeze

http://www.facebook.com/kmwithmichelle
http://www.momsclubif.org/

We love Kindermusik. Think this one may be near you. Also, have you checked out this moms club? It's the same group as mine and has to be non-religious.

SJG31

Hi all, I didn't know that 'softer' religious groups may take on non-religious people for mothers' groups so i will have a lookie about for some - good idea! Momsclub; i emailed them, the closest group is in Boise (4hours away), but i will try the kindermusik - thank you. We don't have the finances for counseling, but i do think just a gossip and sarcasm (without having to explain everything i say in a slightly slower way to be understood) over a cuppa would be the best remedy, though just knowing you guys are out there and empathizing is really a huge help and relief already! My Mum and Dad are coming out in a few weeks for a visit, and my son and i will be going to the UK (thanks to my folks) in Oct.

MarylandNed

Often counselling is covered through an employer's health insurance plan.

WEBlue

Yes, check your husband's health insurance plan (or ring up if there's a number for questions). Almost all allow some kind of counselling, though it may be limited in number and have a co-pay. Even if you & your husband think you don't want to have counselling at this time, it might be good for your peace of mind to know for the future what's possible & what's not.

Bob

Definitely check out some of the local churches. Plenty of them rent out their halls for mother/baby groups that are not religious at all, but simply because of cost and central location.

I'm not in the slightest bit religious, but I've gone to a few of these groups in a couple of churches, some were a little on the religious side, so I just haven't gone back to those, but others weren't at all and I even found a little Japanese parents play group using one of the church halls.

So worth looking into.

Other places that might have parent and baby groups apart from the library, well around here at least have included a couple of the ice-rinks and bookshops, so maybe there's something similar down your way?