Advice required re potential move
Jul 11th 2018, 3:11 pm
#1
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Advice required re potential move
My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have a happy 1 year old baby boy. For the last year and half, our marriage and relationship massively struggled as my husband was not dealing with taking on responsibility of having a child so well. I had a lot of stress during pregnancy and post birth because he was stressed about the lifestyle change, frustrated about the financial burden, even though we planned our baby. Our relationship changed drastically over this time and I also had my job made redundant so I have not been working, and am now a full time stay at home mom until I secure another job, which I will do soon, but am waiting for the right role. I love being with my son but am very lonely so am looking forward, bitter-sweetly, to return to work. My husband has been told that his job might move to Germany for the last year, depending on how the restructuring of his firm happens. He’s German. He’s told me this for the last year but never discussed any alternate solution. When we met, we made it clear that we both did not want to move back to our home countries or elsewhere and this would be home. He is German and I have explained to him that I won’t be able to work in Germany very easily as I don’t speak the German or the professional jargon in German, which makes it highly possible that I would have to change jobs or fields of work potentially. I spent a number of years building my career and it’s very important to me. I don’t have a social or family base in Germany. When I asked him to sit down with me and look at alternate countries where we both can work and be happy, he comes up with many excuses and has a mental block to being anywhere other than Germany. I know that if we relocate, there is not chance of us leaving Germany as it is dear to him and he wants to move back. I am really scared of what is to come and don’t know how to handle this any more. I feel like he is not looking at my wellbeing but is making a unilateral decision, Any advice would be welcome.
Jul 11th 2018, 6:11 pm
#2
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Joined: Apr 2003
Location: Phoenix, Arizona
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Re: Advice required re potential move
Hi Sarah,
I feel for your situation, but you've posted in a US immigration -type forum. Are you a US citizen, thinking of moving back to the USA? Or are you a UK citizen living in the USA? Your post doesn't make that clear.
Doubtful anyone here knows the ins and outs of Germany, so I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for... your problem seems to be more marital than anything else.
Rene
I feel for your situation, but you've posted in a US immigration -type forum. Are you a US citizen, thinking of moving back to the USA? Or are you a UK citizen living in the USA? Your post doesn't make that clear.
Doubtful anyone here knows the ins and outs of Germany, so I'm not sure what kind of advice you're looking for... your problem seems to be more marital than anything else.
Rene
Jul 11th 2018, 6:43 pm
#3
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Re: Advice required re potential move
Hi there, thanks for the advice and sorry for not making it clear. I’m British living in the US. My husband is German. We met in the US and both clarified that this is where we both permanently wanted to live when we started dating.
Jul 11th 2018, 7:00 pm
#4
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Re: Advice required re potential move
Thanks for clarifying your situation. Are you a USC? What are your and his statuses in the USA?
Do you have a very specific question in mind?
Rene
Do you have a very specific question in mind?
Rene
Jul 11th 2018, 7:01 pm
#5
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Re: Advice required re potential move
If your husband is on a work visa in the US, then if the company moves his job to Germany, he is not going to have much choice but to move - or else find another company to sponsor him in the US.
Going to third party (counsellor) might be your course of action to discuss this situation further. Sounds like you have more than just job move problems.
Going to third party (counsellor) might be your course of action to discuss this situation further. Sounds like you have more than just job move problems.
Jul 11th 2018, 7:29 pm
#6
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 46,388
Re: Advice required re potential move
Are you asking for marital advice or advice on relocating to Germany. If to Germany, then you are best served by visiting our German forum found under the Europe header. If you want marital advice, perhaps you need to seek a marriage counselor. The issue of where your son goes, visiting rights and child support. Sounds like your husband is not happy in the US and prefers to return to his native country.
Jul 13th 2018, 5:40 pm
#7
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Re: Advice required re potential move
There are some positives to moving to Germany: cost of living is much cheaper, working parents are treated better (part time working at all levels is common, you get loads more holiday days, you're not expected to put in 14 hour days etc), Berlin, Frankfurt and Munich in particular have massive expat populations and lots of international companies so you'd likely find a job where you didn't need to be fully proficient in German, you'll be closer to friends and family in the UK.
However, it sounds like your relationship is in deep trouble and I'd question making a stressful, international move with a man who, from what you wrote, seems to have one foot out of the door already. You will be even more reliant on him to find housing, help with admin etc because he knows the language and system and you do not. If he's absolutely set on going and you are not, there doesn't seem to be much of a solution. Can you stay in the US without him? If not, I'd personally be looking into where I could/should go on my own with the baby. As others have noted, with a child in tow, things could get complicated but as you've said, he doesn't seem to care much for family life so he probably wouldn't put up much of a fight if you told him you and the baby would not accompany him to Germany. Sorry to be blunt but you only get one life and yours sounds pretty intolerable right now
However, it sounds like your relationship is in deep trouble and I'd question making a stressful, international move with a man who, from what you wrote, seems to have one foot out of the door already. You will be even more reliant on him to find housing, help with admin etc because he knows the language and system and you do not. If he's absolutely set on going and you are not, there doesn't seem to be much of a solution. Can you stay in the US without him? If not, I'd personally be looking into where I could/should go on my own with the baby. As others have noted, with a child in tow, things could get complicated but as you've said, he doesn't seem to care much for family life so he probably wouldn't put up much of a fight if you told him you and the baby would not accompany him to Germany. Sorry to be blunt but you only get one life and yours sounds pretty intolerable right now
Jul 13th 2018, 7:03 pm
#8
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Re: Advice required re potential move
From my way of thinking, if she relocates to Germany with her husband and her son, he may never allow her to return to the US with her son. At least if she remains in the US, she a bit more control over the son remaining in the US in the custody of his mother. Trying to get the right to remove the son from Germany once they are resident there, will be much harder. Lots for the OP to think about.
I concur that life in Germany provided advantages in the work arena for her in terms of child care, vacation time but in the long run, if you don't know the language, don't have transferrable skills, and no family network, then you have nothing positive from the move. His family is always going to side with him if they even move close to his family.
I concur that life in Germany provided advantages in the work arena for her in terms of child care, vacation time but in the long run, if you don't know the language, don't have transferrable skills, and no family network, then you have nothing positive from the move. His family is always going to side with him if they even move close to his family.
Jul 13th 2018, 9:18 pm
#9
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Re: Advice required re potential move
If she does not have a green card or is not a USC then she will have no choice but to leave.
Jul 14th 2018, 8:52 pm
#10
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Re: Advice required re potential move
I lived in Germany for a year and loved it. I was working in a project department of an multinational engineering form and had trouble improving my German as everyone spoke English and all the documents were in English.
Jul 15th 2018, 5:52 pm
#11
Austin. TX.
Joined: Sep 2013
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Re: Advice required re potential move
I think it is pretty obvious that the OP needs to plan on being a single working mum. If she can't stay in the USA without her husband then I would be networking like mad back in the UK and getting ready to go.
Also, please bear in mind that no matter where you live, you cannot remove your son to a different country without his father's permission.
Also, please bear in mind that no matter where you live, you cannot remove your son to a different country without his father's permission.
Jul 15th 2018, 8:08 pm
#12
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Re: Advice required re potential move
I wonder what the law is in this (hypothetical) situation: the child is a dual UK - German - US citizen and the parents no longer have status in the US and must leave. Mother wants to take child to UK and father wants him in Germany. Which country's law prevails?
Jul 15th 2018, 8:15 pm
#13
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Re: Advice required re potential move
Under no circumstances would I step foot on German soil with the child until custody was sorted out.
Jul 16th 2018, 2:50 am
#14
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Re: Advice required re potential move
OP makes it sound like they are on a Work Visa, a L?
In which case her status is linked to his.
In which case her status is linked to his.
