xiomi

This is going to be a very shallow message to some of you……..but I need to let this out!!

Our financial problems are starting to get in the way of our marriage. My husband came in two months ago….and already streching out the cash for both of us is becoming a problem. EAD is not her yet so he does NOT work and I pay for everything. I no longer have savings or extra cash for anything. I am getting very angry and depressed about this financial instability and I don’t see a way out any time soon. I understand money is not EVERYTHING, but it can definitely manipulate you if you are short on it and you need it desperately. I see myself living in this situtaion for another 2-3 years, because he does not speak English and is going to have a hard time finding a GOOD paying job. Min wage is not going to help much…….. I want to buy a house, I want to travel, I want to have kids…….. at this rate it’s not going to happen any time soon. Why couldn’t I just fall in love with someone that already has a stable life here in the US. What was I thinking???? He also has a $6k loan back home that he must pay!!! That’s almost a car payment for another 2-3 years. What do I do? Is there hope?? Am I giving up too soon??

claudia13839

Xiomi,

I can totally relate to your financial problems. My husband arrived around the same time as your husband and still NO DAMN EAD!!!! I am only part time employed and things are very hard. I guess that the fact that I am not paying any rent because I live on the first floor of my mothers 2 family home is a real help. But you know what, marriage is about sacrifices and compromises. I am sure that things will eventually get better so hold on girl.

Good luck,

~Claudia

ScottHenshaw

Easy answer... Have him do work that does not require EAD. He or you can sell stuff on eBay. Lots of people including myself do pretty well.

Scott

majken

Hi,

You might want to focus on the fact that this is pretty much a temporary thing. If you married the right person, and he's willing to work (not just a lazy slob), then things will eventually get better. The EAD is not his fault, so don't take it on him. And if you think about it, you probably don't have to travel NOW, have kids NOW, or have a house NOW. There must be a reason you fell in love with him in the first place, and you just have to keep that in mind when you're going through all the adversity which most married couples go through the first few years or so anyway.

In other words, don't lose sight of the big picture. Besides, being with someone just because he is conveniently moneyed is called something else, isn't it?

ScottHenshaw

majken,

Excellent points!

Scott

NevAnna

Very good advice, Majken. I think this whole process is so tough for us, that it causes us to lose sight of the big picture, sometimes. I do hope this works out for you, xiomi. After all you both have been through with the waiting and stress, it has to be worth it

Ludeksa2003

That is exactly the reasom why I am scared to go into the unknown .. I am a
South African citizen and Julie is a USC, I have a good job, and I realy
want to be with her, but I am oh sio scared of sitting at home not working.
She keep telling me I dont need to worry, she love me, and I DO beleive her,
but what will happen in a few months time .. this is really a hard thing to
do, I love her so much ...


"xiomi" wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > This is going to be a very shallow message to some of you....but I need
    > to let this out!!
    > Our financial problems are starting to get in the way of our marriage.
    > My husband came in two months ago..and already streching out the cash
    > for both of us is becoming a problem. EAD is not her yet so he does NOT
    > work and I pay for everything. I no longer have savings or extra cash
    > for anything. I am getting very angry and depressed about this financial
    > instability and I don't see a way out any time soon. I understand money
    > is not EVERYTHING, but it can definitely manipulate you if you are short
    > on it and you need it desperately. I see myself living in this situtaion
    > for another 2-3 years, because he does not speak English and is going to
    > have a hard time finding a GOOD paying job. Min wage is not going to
    > help much.... I want to buy a house, I want to travel, I want to have
    > kids.... at this rate it's not going to happen any time soon. Why
    > couldn't I just fall in love with someone that already has a stable life
    > here in the US. What was I thinking???? He also has a $6k loan back
    > home that he must pay!!! That's almost a car payment for another 2-3
    > years. What do I do? Is there hope?? Am I giving up too soon??
    > --
    > Posted via http://britishexpats.com

cindyabs

YES and NO. Yes in the sense that this just didn't spring up out of the woodwork without warning...............and No because it's no fun and you're human and you're frustrated. Both my husband and i have been working two jobs full time and part time for the last 18 months for just this reason. Me to clear the decks so I could afford to have him here unemployed or God forbid underemployed and him to get his financial house in order.....I'm 51 and he's 53 and it's not a great deal of fun, but that is the way it is. He's about to learn about housework, something he never really had to do. That will be fine. There will however be fireworks if I come home and find him eating mallomars and watching the soaps!!!!
Keep your chin up and keep on keepin' on.

Scout

I think most of your post is just a vent and I can understand where you are coming from. To a certain extent, all or most of us here are going through something similar or have gone thru it already.

1. Put your heads together and see if you can establish a home based business that the two of you can set up together. Every little bit helps.

2. Believe it or not 2 to 3 years is not forever. It may seem that way now, but it isn't.

3. Help your husband with his English. A good many people come to this country speaking very little English, yet they get by and actually prosper. An accent isn't a bad thing all the time you know?

4. Want to travel.......can't afford it? Surf the WWW and find places you want to go.........do this together and plan your dream vacations...............one day, you will be able to go. Half the fun of traveling is learning about where you are going and what there is to see.

5. Make the best of where you are now. Hubby can't work? He can make dinner for you and help with chores around the house, etc. and make your life a little easier. Want a little romance? Fix a picnic supper and go to the park.........it's cheap and it's romantic.

6. Remember, try not to take it out on him..........I know it get's frustrating, but it the red tape isn't his fault and think of the sacrifices he has made to be with you............for richer or poorer, for better or worse.

7. Come here and vent away to us..............we do understand the nature of the beast. We are all living our own little version of it.

Cheers,

Leslie

Caro

Yep, your husband does not have the excuse of watching soaps to further his understanding of the english language

Caroline

Ludeksa2003

lol, watching the soaps .. i will sttart to practise that ...
"cindyabs" wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
    > Originally posted by xiomi
    > > This is going to be a very shallow message to some of you....but I
    > > need to let this out!!
    > >
    > > Our financial problems are starting to get in the way of our marriage.
    > > My husband came in two months ago..and already streching out the cash
    > > for both of us is becoming a problem. EAD is not her yet so he does
    > > NOT work and I pay for everything. I no longer have savings or extra
    > > cash for anything. I am getting very angry and depressed about this
    > > financial instability and I don't see a way out any time soon. I
    > > understand money is not EVERYTHING, but it can definitely manipulate
    > > you if you are short on it and you need it desperately. I see myself
    > > living in this situtaion for another 2-3 years, because he does not
    > > speak English and is going to have a hard time finding a GOOD paying
    > > job. Min wage is not going to help much.... I want to buy a house, I
    > > want to travel, I want to have kids.... at this rate it's not going to
    > > happen any time soon. Why couldn't I just fall in love with someone
    > > that already has a stable life here in the US. What was I thinking????
    > > He also has a $6k loan back home that he must pay!!! That's almost a
    > > car payment for another 2-3 years. What do I do? Is there hope?? Am I
    > > giving up too soon??
    > YES and NO. Yes in the sense that this just didn't spring up out of the
    > woodwork without warning...............and No because it's no fun and
    > you're human and you're frustrated. Both my husband and i have been
    > working two jobs full time and part time for the last 18 months for just
    > this reason. Me to clear the decks so I could afford to have him here
    > unemployed or God forbid underemployed and him to get his financial
    > house in order.....I'm 51 and he's 53 and it's not a great deal of fun,
    > but that is the way it is. He's about to learn about housework,
    > something he never really had to do. That will be fine. There will
    > however be fireworks if I come home and find him eating mallomars and
    > watching the soaps!!!!
    > Keep your chin up and keep on keepin' on.
    > --
    > Posted via http://britishexpats.com

meauxna

Is this not something you discussed ahead of time? Everyone here should be prepared for exactly this situation; it's not exactly news that one will not be able to work immediately upon entry.

What was your plan for the next 2-3 years? Can you and your husband re-visit what your goals are?

I'm not picking on you, xiomi, honestly. I often think, when reading posts here, that people don't take into account the real idea of expatriating. Moving to a new country is a whole decision on its own. Love is a factor, but doesn't fill your belly or pay the rent. What plans did others make specific to expatiration?

My husband had already moved to a new country when I met him (he had 8 years in Greece, from England) and had traveled extensively with the Royal Navy, living abroad for years at a stretch. He was very comfortable with the idea of living somewhere new and didn't have a problem with getting all the new bits of paper the US requires for daily living. He was already over the food cravings, too I've lived abroad several times through my life (including as an adult), so I was comfortable with what we were doing.

Financially, I like Scott's ideas...look for alternate ways he can financially engage himself. Maybe there's a niche business serving the community in his home country, or with other countrymen in the US. My DAH isn't pursuing a 9-5 job (at our agreement...he's been retired for 10 years already), but he brings in plenty of money from his odd jobs (which require no EAD, SS# etc, even though he has a GC). Pete comments often on the friendliness of Americans and how easy it is to meet people here.

Maybe an ESL class at the local Community college would be a good start? Still interested to hear others' plans.

hmiller

My husband has been here since March 6th and we were married on May 2nd and waiting for EAD.

It is hard on anyone's relationship when financial means are scarce. And I admit that I have at times found myself feeling a bit resentful that I am the only one working. Especially when I am working through my lunch or having to pick up extra hours on the weekend just so we can get-by. I think the best thing to do is communicate this with your partner. My husband and I have talked about this and it really has helped a lot. Yes, there have been a few tears and a few misunderstanding but it is worth it to get through it.

Even though I am the only one making money right now I think it is helpful to keep the other involved in the monthly expenditures and bills. I know that it has helped my husband realize why I am such a penny pincher. I know that it helps him feel more involved and like he is contributing, since it is hard for him not to be working as well.

They say the first 5 years of marriage are the hardest, so I figure we must just be getting all the hard stuff out of the way early so we can get to the good stuff

KissingtheBrit

Xiomi,

I have the opposite problem as you, but nonetheless, both are taxing and girl...just hang in there!! It will get better ~ this too shall pass.

My husband and I waited for donkey's years to get his SSN. He'd been here for nearly 8 months without being able to work and we quickly piled up the debt. I mean, literally, we are drowning in it.

Finally he got his EAD and SSN all sorted, found someone to hire him and he's been working a good paying job for a few months now. Unfortunately, both sides were a little unclear on their "expectations"...namely, the company wanted an employee that was willing to work rotating shifts with "some" overtime and my husband didn't ask what their definition of "some" was. Turns out "some" to them is 30+ hours a week on top of his regular 40.

Well, being that I am 8 months pregnant and can't even get up off the toilet without a hand...this is not acceptable. If I wanted to spend every waking and sleeping moment away from my husband, I would have just let him stay in England.

So...long story short, after much whining by both of us about him NOT being able to work, my husband is going to quit and we are going to wallow in debt again. Maybe he will work part time and watch our baby when she gets here, I don't know. All I know is that having an hour a day with him is not working.

Anyway - just the flip side of the story and I really hope things get sorted for you quickly. I know what it's like.

Good wishes...

Angela and David

Noorah101

I believe money is the one issue that puts a huge strain on relationships, whether local or long distance.

My fiance and I have already discussed the financial issues once he comes here. We both know we'll be living on my salary for a while. He wants to open his own business, so during the time he's waiting to work, he'll be exploring the avenue of self-employment and might even go work here and there across the US with some contacts he's already made, that won't require him to have his EAD yet. We even discussed how we handle money differently...i.e. I'm a saver and he's a businessman - he reinvests his money back into the business and I like to have a regular salary and save. I'm not saying we won't run into difficulties, I am sure we will....but at least we have the matter out on the table and know each other's styles. I've seen him at work he's very dedicated - I have no doubt whatsoever that he'll be successful here, even not knowing English right away. I trust him to look out for me financially when he gets settled. And, he trusts me to look out for him in the meantime. Our long-term goal is to run the business together....I can't wait for that time to come!! :-)

Hang in there, xiomi....talk to each other and air the problems, and follow through with some of the excellent ideas that have been mentioned on this thread. Good things will happen when you least expect them. :-)
Rene