custody of the children!!

Old Oct 30th 2002, 12:54 pm
  #16  
Starla
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Default Re: custody of the children!!

Good day Marie

I recently moved from Canada to the USA with my two kids. I basically
asked the same question on this site and received nothing but
harassment for my efforts. So i took things into my own hands.

This is what happened with me.

I have sole custody of my two kids ages 15 and 12. He has "reasonable
access". (in 6 years he has seen the kids twice and to date i have no
idea where he resides) " The montreal embassy informed me that
"reasonable access" and "visitation rights" are two totally seperate
things. Hence i was safe with reasonable access and needed no further
evidence. Not satisified i pulled together all the letters i received
BACK from the Post Office which stated "address unknown" and took them
to the interview with me. Along with that I requested a letter from
support and custody which stated He was over 40 G's in arrears, from
there i went to the courts and filed a change of address and got them
to notorize a form stating that i did this. I took all this to the
interview. They looked at the custody papers stamped approved and
that was it.The requested none of the additional evidence i brought
with me.

I think each case has to be looked at individually. I think regardless
of visitation rights or not that if at all possible and if it can be
done safely, then the father should be informed. I also think that NO
ONE, not me, nor anyone else on this board has the right to make the
decision for you or to force their beliefs on you. Only you can do
that, only you can do what is right for you and the kids.

Hope this helps and good luck on all of this

starla

happily married and waiting on AOS...
 
Old Oct 30th 2002, 11:35 pm
  #17  
Margaret
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Posts: n/a
Default Re: custody of the children!!

I went back on the posts here in response to Maria's original post and
could not find any evidence of harassment against her. From what I
can see your situation is/was different from hers. Maria asked if she
required a letter of permission from her ex to have her children
immigrate and some replied to her with their experiences through the
Consulate. Most all responded that they were asked for the letter of
permission. It appeared that Maria's husband has been visiting with
his children and basically keeping up his duties as a father. Her
problem was that apparently he was a bully towards her and very
controlling. As one other poster said, what went on between the two
of them has nothing to do with the children. There is a phrase that
goes something like this (I've forgotten the exact wording). Just
because a spouse is a bad husband/wife, does not mean they are a bad
father/mother.

You had a different situation in that your ex never maintained proper
contact with his children and was in arrears of X amount of dollars in
support. You even provided proof to the Consulate of your attempts to
contact your ex and also were able to show his lack in supporting of
his children.

I totally agree with your last paragraph, nobody can make the decision
for Maria however she did come on here to ask if she needed a letter
of permission from her ex and when told she did, she got very upset
about it. When you come onto a newsgroup and ask for advice or an
opinion, you will get several different opinions and views. It's no
different than asking your friends for advice. You won't agree or
like everything they have to say.

I rest my case.




[email protected] (starla) wrote in message news:...
    > Good day Marie
    >
    > I recently moved from Canada to the USA with my two kids. I basically
    > asked the same question on this site and received nothing but
    > harassment for my efforts. So i took things into my own hands.
    >
    > This is what happened with me.
    >
    > I have sole custody of my two kids ages 15 and 12. He has "reasonable
    > access". (in 6 years he has seen the kids twice and to date i have no
    > idea where he resides) " The montreal embassy informed me that
    > "reasonable access" and "visitation rights" are two totally seperate
    > things. Hence i was safe with reasonable access and needed no further
    > evidence. Not satisified i pulled together all the letters i received
    > BACK from the Post Office which stated "address unknown" and took them
    > to the interview with me. Along with that I requested a letter from
    > support and custody which stated He was over 40 G's in arrears, from
    > there i went to the courts and filed a change of address and got them
    > to notorize a form stating that i did this. I took all this to the
    > interview. They looked at the custody papers stamped approved and
    > that was it.The requested none of the additional evidence i brought
    > with me.
    >
    > I think each case has to be looked at individually. I think regardless
    > of visitation rights or not that if at all possible and if it can be
    > done safely, then the father should be informed. I also think that NO
    > ONE, not me, nor anyone else on this board has the right to make the
    > decision for you or to force their beliefs on you. Only you can do
    > that, only you can do what is right for you and the kids.
    >
    > Hope this helps and good luck on all of this
    >
    > starla
    >
    > happily married and waiting on AOS...
 
Old Oct 31st 2002, 6:50 am
  #18  
Just around the next bend
 
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I do have my ex's verbal permission to take our daughter to live in the US, but am going to have a legal document of some kind produced by a lawyer. I am hoping he/she will know of the correct kind of wording for such a document. Does anyone have any ideas please?

Thank you,

Debbie
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Old Oct 31st 2002, 8:37 am
  #19  
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Posts: 144
Mooey is an unknown quantity at this point
Default Re: custody of the children!!

Hi me again,,, I didnt get upset abouty the fact that I need to get a letter and I have NEVER said he is a bad father, I said that he is a CONTROLLING BULLY... and he is and to ask him for this letter will be giving him contoll back over my life.. If it comes to the children having to make the decision ten I know what it will be,, I just wanted to keep them out off all this hurting.. they see him because he also contols them!!!

I cant believe that he can force me to stay in a place where I do not want to be and that we cxan not be happy..I asked for peoples advise here because unlike my friends they would have had experiance with the process.. if i wanted to go back to England I do not need to get a letter from him.. so its just the us that need this letter..

I was asking for what I cant do other than to ask for this letter,, he will know where we are,, he will still be able to have his visiting rights, but another thing he will not like is the fact that I have backup in decisions ... which is another reason that he wanted me to be kept here, where he continures to control me..
He also refuses to pay me what the court says he should, which means and he knows this that I can not afford to see a solicitor.. I have spoken to the solcitor that we used for the divorce and he stil says that I do not need his permission as long as I allow him the acces the court said...









Originally posted by Margaret
I went back on the posts here in response to Maria's original post and
could not find any evidence of harassment against her. From what I
can see your situation is/was different from hers. Maria asked if she
required a letter of permission from her ex to have her children
immigrate and some replied to her with their experiences through the
Consulate. Most all responded that they were asked for the letter of
permission. It appeared that Maria's husband has been visiting with
his children and basically keeping up his duties as a father. Her
problem was that apparently he was a bully towards her and very
controlling. As one other poster said, what went on between the two
of them has nothing to do with the children. There is a phrase that
goes something like this (I've forgotten the exact wording). Just
because a spouse is a bad husband/wife, does not mean they are a bad
father/mother.

You had a different situation in that your ex never maintained proper
contact with his children and was in arrears of X amount of dollars in
support. You even provided proof to the Consulate of your attempts to
contact your ex and also were able to show his lack in supporting of
his children.

I totally agree with your last paragraph, nobody can make the decision
for Maria however she did come on here to ask if she needed a letter
of permission from her ex and when told she did, she got very upset
about it. When you come onto a newsgroup and ask for advice or an
opinion, you will get several different opinions and views. It's no
different than asking your friends for advice. You won't agree or
like everything they have to say.

I rest my case.




[email protected] (starla) wrote in message news:...
    > Good day Marie
    >
    > I recently moved from Canada to the USA with my two kids. I basically
    > asked the same question on this site and received nothing but
    > harassment for my efforts. So i took things into my own hands.
    >
    > This is what happened with me.
    >
    > I have sole custody of my two kids ages 15 and 12. He has "reasonable
    > access". (in 6 years he has seen the kids twice and to date i have no
    > idea where he resides) " The montreal embassy informed me that
    > "reasonable access" and "visitation rights" are two totally seperate
    > things. Hence i was safe with reasonable access and needed no further
    > evidence. Not satisified i pulled together all the letters i received
    > BACK from the Post Office which stated "address unknown" and took them
    > to the interview with me. Along with that I requested a letter from
    > support and custody which stated He was over 40 G's in arrears, from
    > there i went to the courts and filed a change of address and got them
    > to notorize a form stating that i did this. I took all this to the
    > interview. They looked at the custody papers stamped approved and
    > that was it.The requested none of the additional evidence i brought
    > with me.
    >
    > I think each case has to be looked at individually. I think regardless
    > of visitation rights or not that if at all possible and if it can be
    > done safely, then the father should be informed. I also think that NO
    > ONE, not me, nor anyone else on this board has the right to make the
    > decision for you or to force their beliefs on you. Only you can do
    > that, only you can do what is right for you and the kids.
    >
    > Hope this helps and good luck on all of this
    >
    > starla
    >
    > happily married and waiting on AOS...
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Old Oct 31st 2002, 9:42 am
  #20  
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I have to agree with Margaret that I don't see anyone on this thread harassaing Marie. But I raised this earlier in the thread and Starla confirmed it;

the best source of information for your case is the US Consulate itself. If they have a phone number or an e-mail address you can acess, they ask them directly what their requirements are.

I understand about tight financial situations but if an attorney is required perhaps your USC fiancee can assist you financially for at least a consultation with an immigration attorney who is familiar with the custody issues and INS.

Rete
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Old Oct 31st 2002, 12:35 pm
  #21  
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Joined: Jun 2002
Location: Spain
Posts: 144
Mooey is an unknown quantity at this point
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Hi Rete..

Not sure what this is about me being harrassed??!! Im really cionfused now,, I came ona and asked whether this was true tat the embassy will ask for a letter of permission,, even though I have already been told by my solicitor that I do not need it... I then tried to explain why I wouldnt be able to get that letter from my ex husband,, because of the way he likes to control people( this was the reason that I divorced him in the first place) I then asked if anyone knew of anything else that I could perhaps take that will satisfy them:::
I have not idea whats going on in here now!!! I do not intend to stop my ex from having visiting rights with the children or even have them to stay with him in school holidays....
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Old Oct 31st 2002, 1:36 pm
  #22  
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Originally posted by Mooey
Hi Rete..

Not sure what this is about me being harrassed??!! Im really cionfused now,, I came ona and asked whether this was true tat the embassy will ask for a letter of permission,, even though I have already been told by my solicitor that I do not need it... I then tried to explain why I wouldnt be able to get that letter from my ex husband,, because of the way he likes to control people( this was the reason that I divorced him in the first place) I then asked if anyone knew of anything else that I could perhaps take that will satisfy them:::
I have not idea whats going on in here now!!! I do not intend to stop my ex from having visiting rights with the children or even have them to stay with him in school holidays....
Hi Mooey (are you also Marie? confused!)
I certainly hope that you didn't feel harassed in coming and asking your question: I didn't mean to imply in my earlier response that you were doing anything wrong.

I said before that I understand the situation you're in. My ex was, (and still is) a controlling person, although not always in obvious ways, but more subtle ones. The gist of it is that I have been told by him that he will NEVER allow the children out of the country to live and that I can just forget that idea altogether. We have joint custody but I am the residential parent. He pays his support on time and visits with the children regularly and in most ways is a good and capable parent. I have always done everything I could to support his relationship with the children. He is angry about my relationship with my "fiancee" and because of his flat out refusal to even consider moving them, we have decided that he'll just have to come here if we are to be together, which he is willing to do (knowing that he'll have to put up with a hostile ex-husband for the rest of his life!)

So, that said, my advice to you was, and still is, to find out from the authority involved (in this case the consulate) what proof they will need to allow the visa to go through. No one is saying that he should be allowed to control YOUR life and where YOU end up, and I fully understand your anger and resentment about that part, but he is the kids' father, like it or not, and you will ALWAYS be bound to him by that relationship no matter how awful it was. We all have choices and sometimes they are excruciatingly difficult to make.

Talk to the consulate. Perhaps a letter from your solicitor outlining the custody agreement as it stands and explaining that you don't need his permission to take the kids will suffice for them (if in fact you don't need it----I would need it here, certainly). I hope it works out in your favor. just don't do anything impulsive that would ruin your chances for the happy life you're seeking.
~SecretGarden
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Old Oct 31st 2002, 7:43 pm
  #23  
Margaret
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Posts: n/a
Default Re: custody of the children!!

Well said Secret Garden. Always believed in some cases where there is
confusion that you should go directly to the source which in this
particular case is the Consulate. Many people have different
experiences in dealing with the various Consulates. They all don't
seem to operate the same way.

Good luck to you Maria!



handle thi SecretGarden wrote in message news:...
    > Originally posted by Mooey
    > > Hi Rete..
    > >
    > > Not sure what this is about me being harrassed??!! Im really
    > > cionfused now,, I came ona and asked whether this was true tat the
    > > embassy will ask for a letter of permission,, even though I have
    > > already been told by my solicitor that I do not need it... I then
    > > tried to explain why I wouldnt be able to get that letter from my
    > > ex husband,, because of the way he likes to control people( this
    > > was the reason that I divorced him in the first place) I then
    > > asked if anyone knew of anything else that I could perhaps take
    > > that will satisfy them:::
    > > I have not idea whats going on in here now!!! I do not intend to
    > > stop my ex from having visiting rights with the children or even
    > > have them to stay with him in school holidays....
    >
    > Hi Mooey (are you also Marie? confused!)
    > I certainly hope that you didn't feel harassed in coming and asking your
    > question: I didn't mean to imply in my earlier response that you were
    > doing anything wrong.
    >
    > I said before that I understand the situation you're in. My ex was,
    > (and still is) a controlling person, although not always in obvious
    > ways, but more subtle ones. The gist of it is that I have been told by
    > him that he will NEVER allow the children out of the country to live and
    > that I can just forget that idea altogether. We have joint custody but
    > I am the residential parent. He pays his support on time and visits
    > with the children regularly and in most ways is a good and capable
    > parent. I have always done everything I could to support his
    > relationship with the children. He is angry about my relationship with
    > my "fiancee" and because of his flat out refusal to even consider moving
    > them, we have decided that he'll just have to come here if we are to be
    > together, which he is willing to do (knowing that he'll have to put up
    > with a hostile ex-husband for the rest of his life!)
    >
    > So, that said, my advice to you was, and still is, to find out from the
    > authority involved (in this case the consulate) what proof they will
    > need to allow the visa to go through. No one is saying that he should
    > be allowed to control YOUR life and where YOU end up, and I fully
    > understand your anger and resentment about that part, but he is the
    > kids' father, like it or not, and you will ALWAYS be bound to him by
    > that relationship no matter how awful it was. We all have choices and
    > sometimes they are excruciatingly difficult to make.
    >
    > Talk to the consulate. Perhaps a letter from your solicitor outlining
    > the custody agreement as it stands and explaining that you don't need
    > his permission to take the kids will suffice for them (if in fact you
    > don't need it----I would need it here, certainly). I hope it works out
    > in your favor. just don't do anything impulsive that would ruin your
    > chances for the happy life you're seeking.
    > ~SecretGarden
 

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