Absolutely Completely OT: Opinions?
Apr 3rd 2003, 6:33 am
#16
Joined: Apr 2002
Posts: 35,082
Re: Absolutely Completely OT: Opinions?
Angela, congrats on your upcoming addition and for having the forethought to deal with this issue before it's under your nose.
Since you asked for opinions, I'd say Jenney said it best for me, so I won't repeat it. The first thing that came to my mind was to see if MIL can stay with your folks, good bonding all around and they probably have a guest room. There are some details that would have to be considered (MIL's transportation comes to mind...don't want her to feel trapped if she can't drive on our side of the road etc), but compromise must be made.
Look, I love my own parents to death. I missed them terribly over the past two years, as we had worked closely together for 5 years previous and then didn't see each other for ages. I was so eager to spend time together again! We're staying in their house while they're away, but intersected for 4 weeks this winter. I was emotional, we had all grown apart, alot of our communication 'shorthands' were gone...all of a sudden it was really hard living together. And we had lots of room in this house!
Expectations are a difficult thing...and everyone's got them no matter what they say. I'd certainly advocate clear communication between all parties and preface it to your husband with "...I know I might be hormonal right now, but..."
I agree that MIL should be accomodated, many Grans see the event as partly "theirs", but you should keep your own boundries as well so everyone leaves with a winning feeling.
Best of luck to you.
Since you asked for opinions, I'd say Jenney said it best for me, so I won't repeat it. The first thing that came to my mind was to see if MIL can stay with your folks, good bonding all around and they probably have a guest room. There are some details that would have to be considered (MIL's transportation comes to mind...don't want her to feel trapped if she can't drive on our side of the road etc), but compromise must be made.
Look, I love my own parents to death. I missed them terribly over the past two years, as we had worked closely together for 5 years previous and then didn't see each other for ages. I was so eager to spend time together again! We're staying in their house while they're away, but intersected for 4 weeks this winter. I was emotional, we had all grown apart, alot of our communication 'shorthands' were gone...all of a sudden it was really hard living together. And we had lots of room in this house!
Expectations are a difficult thing...and everyone's got them no matter what they say. I'd certainly advocate clear communication between all parties and preface it to your husband with "...I know I might be hormonal right now, but..."
I agree that MIL should be accomodated, many Grans see the event as partly "theirs", but you should keep your own boundries as well so everyone leaves with a winning feeling.
Best of luck to you.
Apr 3rd 2003, 7:10 am
#17
BE Forum Addict
Joined: Feb 2003
Posts: 1,350
Congralulations to you and your husband! My very humble opinion comes from my own experiences as a mother of three who knows nothing about you, your family, your husband or your husband's family other than what you've disclosed. Balance everything that follows with what you already know in your heart.
Here's the reality of newborns, Gerber baby food commercials notwithstanding. A newborn is a demanding (though simply awesome!) creature immune to reason, rational requests or compromise of any kind. If you are nursing you will do so every 1.5-2 hours for the first weeks unless you have a great set of earplugs (and don't have the problem most nursing women have when they hear their baby crying; censored for the sake of non-fathers on the MB). You will burn more calories and energy than you ever have in your life. Baby will sleep 16-18 hours a day, but none of it in a stretch of more than 2-3 hours at first. Absent a lot of luck that 2-3 hour stretch will not usually be when you yourself are used to sleeping. Given the sheer physical demands of labor and delivery, nursing and caretaking, for the first few weeks you will likely be very tired. And in need of some help.
Yet in many western cultures, many folk see having a baby as a time to isolate the new family, and view the presence of people other than the parents as potentially "interfering" with the process of bonding between baby and parent. (I have never understood why really; the cognitive and developmental science doesn't bear any of these fears out). But in other cultures, African in particular, there is a different tradition which welcomes and invites the older women in the family to participate. It is called "mothering the mother".
In those cultures where mothers are mothered, the maternal grandmother and/or MIL have the privilege of nurturing and supporting their daughters and DIL's after they give birth. She who many of us in the "traditional" Black community call "Big Momma" get to make sure that daughter/DIL remembers to eat, gets enough sleep, has clean clothes to wear, remembers where the shower is, and has a shoulder to cry on when she feels helpless and ignorant and stupid because Baby is Not Happy no matter what you do. She is a source of encouragement and strength even when daughter is on the verge of sleep deprivation psychosis, someone to interact with who verbalizes in a language other than cries, grunts, sighs and gurgles and never ever spits up on your best blouse. In the ideal circumstance, "Big Momma's" very presence provides the quiet certainty that you too will survive this beautiful, yet at times stressful and weary-making, transition in your life. And, by taking care of the mother, Big Momma gains a direct role in taking care of the baby and gets to experience again in some small way the joys she felt as a new mother herself, long ago. Thus, Big Momma coming to "help out" is seen as an honor and privilege by everyone.
But none of this stuff will reassure you if if you don't know what you're getting with the presence of your MIL -- after all, she may be good at none of the above things. So I think that Caro's initial question is spot on. How do you get along with your MIL? How well do you know her, and she you? Do you have a relationship where there is mutual respect, and a willingness on her part to let you do things even if she herself didn't do them and cringes when you do? Or is it a relationship in which MIL will assume that she will know "best" and is therefore entitled by virtue of her status as *his* mom (or someone old enough to be *your* mom) to just take over? Will she accede without harsh judgment when you need her to do something -- or not -- to accomodate the things you need for yourself (i.e for her to "go away" for a few hours after she cooks you a hot meal LOL)?
Knowing the answers to those questions would, to me, largely settle the matter in my own mind. But you raise a couple of other issues you're considering so here's my opinion on those.
The fact that you know you are prone to depression suggests to me that you need more, not less, people keeping an eye out for you. Post-partum depression is very real and greatly exacerbated by fatigue and stress, so anything that reduces either is a Good Thing. Any new mother who has someone around to whisk away the "chaff" of life (i.e. changing diapers, cooking meals, washing laundry, going grocery shopping) so that Mom can focus her physical and mental energy for the first weeks on Baby and Mom and Dad (and other sibs, down the road) is a woman who is under less stress and fatigue. So MIL would be a plus there and might help you better manage "down" feelings if they come.
Don't worry "needing space" to bond with your baby merely because your MIL is around. Folks these days make "parent-child bonding" out to be some sort of science for reasons unknown (if it was most of us would not have survived because our parents were just as clueless as we). You will almost certainly bond with your baby -- although it may not be in the stereotypical ways Hollywood says we're supposed to -- from the moment you first see him or her. (I believe the evolution has set it up that way to ensure survival of the species to be honest). MIL is unlikely to affect this process in any serious way unless you simply abdicate your own role.
I realize your husband has lost his family's day to day company and his mother's presence would not only be of practical help to you, but also would serve very real emotional needs for him. But, and this will sound unfeeling when I don't mean to, this should not be a very big consideration. If MIL coming to help out helps you in your primary mission of adjusting to new parenthood, and your hubby gets his mother's company as a bonus, more power to everyone. But IMO it cannot be of equal importance if it doesn't, with a first baby especially. If the other issues caution against having MIL come, this reason for me should not make any difference.
Finally, you'll likely be surprised how little you care about crowding when Baby comes. Indeed, you will likely be surprised that you no longer care as much about lots of things that previously rocked your boat (like making sure there are no dishes left in the sink, or even combing your hair some days LOL.) Not only will you likely care less about your "personal space", you may well beg people to invade yours with regularity. By the time my first baby was 72 hours old and I was coping with the reality that my perfect newborn planned on making her presence and authority clear by crying at unpredictable moments when nothing whatsoever was wrong (unless she was sound asleep, satisfying her suck urge on the only pacifier she would accept out of the *15* different ones I tried, nursing, in the Snugli, having raspberries blown on her tummy, danced with, or getting her aerobic on in her Jolly Jumper). I'd imagine I would have been thrilled to see my MIL -- who I despised -- close up and personal rather than be alone with this baby all the time after my husband returned to work. Heck, she could have even brought *her* mother, a fate worse than death.
My mother did not come for the birth of my kids although she really wanted to, especially with my first; we had a very bad relationship during my teens and were still healing the rift when I became a mother the first time. Since we were also in theoretical conflict about key parenting issues (such as whether to respond to babies who cry "just because"), I told her not to come for the first couple of months -- mostly to avoid the afeared vision of her standing over me telling me that I was "doing it wrong" (in retrospect, she could have at least shown me how to properly burp -- that BS they show you in the hospital is worthless). I never told her any of this -- I wasn't even completely honest with myself. Instead I focused on the fact that the house was "too small" (it really was) since I couldn't afford to put her up in a hotel, either.
The funny thing was that over the years my mother has done a perfect job of mothering the mother (me!) even 3,000 miles away -- always there when I need, never pushy, never in my "space". She probably would have been just as great even in my way-too-small house. I wish in retrospect that I'd been mature enough to have the "difficult" conversation about her coming to help out in advance, and given her the chance to prove that my fears were overblown, even though my asking her not to come at first has been long since forgotten. If nothing else, giving my Mom a chance would have at least allowed me to complete a meal in the first 3 months of my daughter's lifeand saved us a 90 mile drive one night at 2AM circumnambulating the San Francisco Bay when my eldest was a month and a half old and would stay asleep only if she was in the car in her carseat with the motor running, her father and I mortally terrified to stop driving for fear she'd wake up and start crying again (no she wasn't sick, hungry, wet, too cold or too hot -- just bored LOL). And if things didn't work out, I could have always sent my Mom home -- and she would have understood.
You therefore may wish to talk your feelings through with your MIL directly. See where your MIL might be coming from, how she sees her role during her visit or what she is prepared to do to make things easier, not harder, for you. If you have the conversation, in a loving way of course, who knows -- you might be pleasantly surprised. But either way, you're going to be just fine.
P.S. Through it all, remember to laugh -- at yourself, your baby, and even your pediatrician -- because otherwise you'll take everything way too seriously and not *enjoy* this miraculous time. I highly recommend a book that made all the difference for me, called "Motherhood, the Second Oldest Profession" by the late Erma Bombeck.
Here's the reality of newborns, Gerber baby food commercials notwithstanding. A newborn is a demanding (though simply awesome!) creature immune to reason, rational requests or compromise of any kind. If you are nursing you will do so every 1.5-2 hours for the first weeks unless you have a great set of earplugs (and don't have the problem most nursing women have when they hear their baby crying; censored for the sake of non-fathers on the MB). You will burn more calories and energy than you ever have in your life. Baby will sleep 16-18 hours a day, but none of it in a stretch of more than 2-3 hours at first. Absent a lot of luck that 2-3 hour stretch will not usually be when you yourself are used to sleeping. Given the sheer physical demands of labor and delivery, nursing and caretaking, for the first few weeks you will likely be very tired. And in need of some help.
Yet in many western cultures, many folk see having a baby as a time to isolate the new family, and view the presence of people other than the parents as potentially "interfering" with the process of bonding between baby and parent. (I have never understood why really; the cognitive and developmental science doesn't bear any of these fears out). But in other cultures, African in particular, there is a different tradition which welcomes and invites the older women in the family to participate. It is called "mothering the mother".
In those cultures where mothers are mothered, the maternal grandmother and/or MIL have the privilege of nurturing and supporting their daughters and DIL's after they give birth. She who many of us in the "traditional" Black community call "Big Momma" get to make sure that daughter/DIL remembers to eat, gets enough sleep, has clean clothes to wear, remembers where the shower is, and has a shoulder to cry on when she feels helpless and ignorant and stupid because Baby is Not Happy no matter what you do. She is a source of encouragement and strength even when daughter is on the verge of sleep deprivation psychosis, someone to interact with who verbalizes in a language other than cries, grunts, sighs and gurgles and never ever spits up on your best blouse. In the ideal circumstance, "Big Momma's" very presence provides the quiet certainty that you too will survive this beautiful, yet at times stressful and weary-making, transition in your life. And, by taking care of the mother, Big Momma gains a direct role in taking care of the baby and gets to experience again in some small way the joys she felt as a new mother herself, long ago. Thus, Big Momma coming to "help out" is seen as an honor and privilege by everyone.
But none of this stuff will reassure you if if you don't know what you're getting with the presence of your MIL -- after all, she may be good at none of the above things. So I think that Caro's initial question is spot on. How do you get along with your MIL? How well do you know her, and she you? Do you have a relationship where there is mutual respect, and a willingness on her part to let you do things even if she herself didn't do them and cringes when you do? Or is it a relationship in which MIL will assume that she will know "best" and is therefore entitled by virtue of her status as *his* mom (or someone old enough to be *your* mom) to just take over? Will she accede without harsh judgment when you need her to do something -- or not -- to accomodate the things you need for yourself (i.e for her to "go away" for a few hours after she cooks you a hot meal LOL)?
Knowing the answers to those questions would, to me, largely settle the matter in my own mind. But you raise a couple of other issues you're considering so here's my opinion on those.
The fact that you know you are prone to depression suggests to me that you need more, not less, people keeping an eye out for you. Post-partum depression is very real and greatly exacerbated by fatigue and stress, so anything that reduces either is a Good Thing. Any new mother who has someone around to whisk away the "chaff" of life (i.e. changing diapers, cooking meals, washing laundry, going grocery shopping) so that Mom can focus her physical and mental energy for the first weeks on Baby and Mom and Dad (and other sibs, down the road) is a woman who is under less stress and fatigue. So MIL would be a plus there and might help you better manage "down" feelings if they come.
Don't worry "needing space" to bond with your baby merely because your MIL is around. Folks these days make "parent-child bonding" out to be some sort of science for reasons unknown (if it was most of us would not have survived because our parents were just as clueless as we). You will almost certainly bond with your baby -- although it may not be in the stereotypical ways Hollywood says we're supposed to -- from the moment you first see him or her. (I believe the evolution has set it up that way to ensure survival of the species to be honest). MIL is unlikely to affect this process in any serious way unless you simply abdicate your own role.
I realize your husband has lost his family's day to day company and his mother's presence would not only be of practical help to you, but also would serve very real emotional needs for him. But, and this will sound unfeeling when I don't mean to, this should not be a very big consideration. If MIL coming to help out helps you in your primary mission of adjusting to new parenthood, and your hubby gets his mother's company as a bonus, more power to everyone. But IMO it cannot be of equal importance if it doesn't, with a first baby especially. If the other issues caution against having MIL come, this reason for me should not make any difference.
Finally, you'll likely be surprised how little you care about crowding when Baby comes. Indeed, you will likely be surprised that you no longer care as much about lots of things that previously rocked your boat (like making sure there are no dishes left in the sink, or even combing your hair some days LOL.) Not only will you likely care less about your "personal space", you may well beg people to invade yours with regularity. By the time my first baby was 72 hours old and I was coping with the reality that my perfect newborn planned on making her presence and authority clear by crying at unpredictable moments when nothing whatsoever was wrong (unless she was sound asleep, satisfying her suck urge on the only pacifier she would accept out of the *15* different ones I tried, nursing, in the Snugli, having raspberries blown on her tummy, danced with, or getting her aerobic on in her Jolly Jumper). I'd imagine I would have been thrilled to see my MIL -- who I despised -- close up and personal rather than be alone with this baby all the time after my husband returned to work. Heck, she could have even brought *her* mother, a fate worse than death.
My mother did not come for the birth of my kids although she really wanted to, especially with my first; we had a very bad relationship during my teens and were still healing the rift when I became a mother the first time. Since we were also in theoretical conflict about key parenting issues (such as whether to respond to babies who cry "just because"), I told her not to come for the first couple of months -- mostly to avoid the afeared vision of her standing over me telling me that I was "doing it wrong" (in retrospect, she could have at least shown me how to properly burp -- that BS they show you in the hospital is worthless). I never told her any of this -- I wasn't even completely honest with myself. Instead I focused on the fact that the house was "too small" (it really was) since I couldn't afford to put her up in a hotel, either.
The funny thing was that over the years my mother has done a perfect job of mothering the mother (me!) even 3,000 miles away -- always there when I need, never pushy, never in my "space". She probably would have been just as great even in my way-too-small house. I wish in retrospect that I'd been mature enough to have the "difficult" conversation about her coming to help out in advance, and given her the chance to prove that my fears were overblown, even though my asking her not to come at first has been long since forgotten. If nothing else, giving my Mom a chance would have at least allowed me to complete a meal in the first 3 months of my daughter's lifeand saved us a 90 mile drive one night at 2AM circumnambulating the San Francisco Bay when my eldest was a month and a half old and would stay asleep only if she was in the car in her carseat with the motor running, her father and I mortally terrified to stop driving for fear she'd wake up and start crying again (no she wasn't sick, hungry, wet, too cold or too hot -- just bored LOL). And if things didn't work out, I could have always sent my Mom home -- and she would have understood.
You therefore may wish to talk your feelings through with your MIL directly. See where your MIL might be coming from, how she sees her role during her visit or what she is prepared to do to make things easier, not harder, for you. If you have the conversation, in a loving way of course, who knows -- you might be pleasantly surprised. But either way, you're going to be just fine.
P.S. Through it all, remember to laugh -- at yourself, your baby, and even your pediatrician -- because otherwise you'll take everything way too seriously and not *enjoy* this miraculous time. I highly recommend a book that made all the difference for me, called "Motherhood, the Second Oldest Profession" by the late Erma Bombeck.
Apr 3rd 2003, 7:26 am
#18
Forum Regular
Joined: Apr 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 260
I absolutely second Dekka's message. Please know that your scarifice will make three person, at the least, very very happy - they are your husband, your MIL and last but not the least your LOVELY LITTLE GEM TO BE BORN, who is going to get extra CARE. That doesnt mean that you will be suffering having taken this decision. NOT at all. Eventually you will be very happy for doing that. And you know what, you will come back to us and say that you have taken the right decision.
So all the very best my friend. Cheer up. Majority is with you.
So all the very best my friend. Cheer up. Majority is with you.
Last edited by 21stcenturylove; Apr 3rd 2003 at 7:29 am.
Apr 3rd 2003, 7:33 am
#19
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Absolutely Completely OT: Opinions?
What's the question?
It's his mother. You already indicated she could not afford to stay in a
hotel. You have also indicated he moved away from his family to be with
you. How small is "tiny"? Is there an available sofa? There are more
words I would use, but I am afraid of some bad ones slipping out.
It's his mother. You already indicated she could not afford to stay in a
hotel. You have also indicated he moved away from his family to be with
you. How small is "tiny"? Is there an available sofa? There are more
words I would use, but I am afraid of some bad ones slipping out.
Apr 3rd 2003, 7:59 am
#20
Guest
Posts: n/a
What a hard decision - I sympathise completely with your dilemma.
I would agree with those who point out how demanding a new baby is and how exhausting. If she's going to cook and shop and give you time to bond with your baby, what she's offering is priceless and many women would give their right arm for such an offer. If she's going to nag and disapprove and expect to be waited on you have a nightmare prospect. Only you and your husband can work out the answers to that one.
Some other questions to consider: if she's too poor to stay elsewhere (that's not a criticism, my family is too!) then is she at least able to pay her way? New babies are expensive, considering how small they are, and it doesn't sound like you'd find it easy to feed an extra mouth. My mum is coming with my nephew to visit us next week. We don't have a spare room so it will be crowded. But they're only coming for 2 weeks and have already deposited 200 pounds into our account so we won't be embarrassed expense-wise (we're poor too LOL). We don't have a new baby (just a 6 and 8-year-old) but we will have moved house only 5 days before they arrive. I decided I could either kill myself trying to make everything perfect by then or just be grateful that help with the unpacking is on its way. Thing is though, both my husband and I (and of course the kids) adore both my mum and my blue-haired nephew so though it'll be a squash it will be a cuddly one.
I think there's a lot to be said for taking account of your husband's wishes. But if you feel uncomfortable around your MIL (and I expect you do or it wouldn't be such a dilemma) then a month is definitely TOO LONG. If your family is unable/unwilling to put her up, and if she can't compromise on the time period, then it would be further proof of that. Anyone who's been through it themselves - and she obviously has - ought to understand your mix of feelings at this time and be prepared to compromise.
It's an incredibly mind-blowing time - both before, during and after a first delivery. But you know, it's so mind-blowing that that can't be stolen from you whatever happens, whoever is around. And there are so many variables too... Waiting to go into labor can be scarey - especially if your husband is going to be out at work all day. You might be grateful there is someone. Also, there's no guarantee this baby is going to arrive to fit her travel plans. For example, my first daughter arrived two weeks late, by which time I was going CRAZY!!! When she finally arrived her father was in such shock he was worse than useless - forgot to bring clothes to dress the baby in to go home from hospital, or even the baby seat. An extra pair of sane hands might come in useful. Your MIL obviously cares or she wouldn't be making the trip...
Probably there is not a perfect solution. But I wish you all the best - and remember, we're all around if she's driving you crazy and you need to vent
Congratulations and best wishes whatever you decide!
Regards
-=-
Scarlett
I would agree with those who point out how demanding a new baby is and how exhausting. If she's going to cook and shop and give you time to bond with your baby, what she's offering is priceless and many women would give their right arm for such an offer. If she's going to nag and disapprove and expect to be waited on you have a nightmare prospect. Only you and your husband can work out the answers to that one.
Some other questions to consider: if she's too poor to stay elsewhere (that's not a criticism, my family is too!) then is she at least able to pay her way? New babies are expensive, considering how small they are, and it doesn't sound like you'd find it easy to feed an extra mouth. My mum is coming with my nephew to visit us next week. We don't have a spare room so it will be crowded. But they're only coming for 2 weeks and have already deposited 200 pounds into our account so we won't be embarrassed expense-wise (we're poor too LOL). We don't have a new baby (just a 6 and 8-year-old) but we will have moved house only 5 days before they arrive. I decided I could either kill myself trying to make everything perfect by then or just be grateful that help with the unpacking is on its way. Thing is though, both my husband and I (and of course the kids) adore both my mum and my blue-haired nephew so though it'll be a squash it will be a cuddly one.
I think there's a lot to be said for taking account of your husband's wishes. But if you feel uncomfortable around your MIL (and I expect you do or it wouldn't be such a dilemma) then a month is definitely TOO LONG. If your family is unable/unwilling to put her up, and if she can't compromise on the time period, then it would be further proof of that. Anyone who's been through it themselves - and she obviously has - ought to understand your mix of feelings at this time and be prepared to compromise.
It's an incredibly mind-blowing time - both before, during and after a first delivery. But you know, it's so mind-blowing that that can't be stolen from you whatever happens, whoever is around. And there are so many variables too... Waiting to go into labor can be scarey - especially if your husband is going to be out at work all day. You might be grateful there is someone. Also, there's no guarantee this baby is going to arrive to fit her travel plans. For example, my first daughter arrived two weeks late, by which time I was going CRAZY!!! When she finally arrived her father was in such shock he was worse than useless - forgot to bring clothes to dress the baby in to go home from hospital, or even the baby seat. An extra pair of sane hands might come in useful. Your MIL obviously cares or she wouldn't be making the trip...
Probably there is not a perfect solution. But I wish you all the best - and remember, we're all around if she's driving you crazy and you need to vent
Congratulations and best wishes whatever you decide!
Regards
-=-
Scarlett
Apr 3rd 2003, 10:55 am
#21
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Absolutely Completely OT: Opinions?
I think if your husband was *that* close to his family he wouldn't have chosen
a US wife and moved so far away. Was this a unilateral decision made by your
husband and his mother? Was it discussed at all? I think a good compromise
would be to have her come a month *after* the baby is born so you and your
husband and child can have time to be alone together. It's not unreasonable
for you to want this. I think if your husband resists or gets upset, perhaps
it's time for him to grow up and and honor his wife's wishes. If he's afraid
to hurt his mother's feelings, this won't be the first time something like this
will happen. If *she's* going to give him a problem and he won't stand up to
her, you have big problems. She's not entitled to anything here. Tell your
husband that you don't want her there right away and stick to your guns.
OT: Opinions?
>From: KissingtheBrit
>Morning people - hope everyone is well!
>Because I consider 99.45% of the people that post to this forum to be
>intelligent, rational human beings, I am going to ask this question of
>you and will base my decision on the overall outcome of what you think.
>I have been over this 10,000 times in my head and can't come to a
>conclusion by myself.
>You're all in the same boat as me...foreign spouse/fiance (e), foreign
>family. So here I go...
>I am 6 months pregnant. My husband is from the UK and we are first
>time parents. My husband is very close to his family; however, I am
>not very close to mine. His family is in the UK, mine is a town away
>(about 10 minutes).
>His mum wants to come right before the baby is born and stay for a
>month...with us. Keeping in mind that we live in a VERY tiny mobile
>home and are on a shoestring budget. She will be able to afford the
>trip here, but not a hotel, and we cannot afford to put her at a hotel.
>I've been over it a million times, there is NO other way, she has to
>stay with us if she comes.
>David has given up everything to be here with me and I am trying to
>be understanding. He wants her here, he misses her. I want him to
>be happy yet am concerned about being a new mom. I don't know how I
>will feel...emotionally, physically. I suffer from depression and
>worry about postpartum. I also want bonding time alone with my DH
>and new baby. I am not a person who does well when people are
>constantly in my space.
>I have already told him she can come and stay with us, but occasionally
>I feel a bit bitter about it. It causes fights. Am I being
>unreasonable (and I truly want to know!) because if I am, I will shut up
>and not say another word to him about it. Or do I have cause to be a
>bit put off by having my MIL here for a month right after I deliver?
>Whatever you say I will abide by. Just looking for advice.
>Angela - Confused As Usual.
>--
>Posted via http://britishexpats.com
a US wife and moved so far away. Was this a unilateral decision made by your
husband and his mother? Was it discussed at all? I think a good compromise
would be to have her come a month *after* the baby is born so you and your
husband and child can have time to be alone together. It's not unreasonable
for you to want this. I think if your husband resists or gets upset, perhaps
it's time for him to grow up and and honor his wife's wishes. If he's afraid
to hurt his mother's feelings, this won't be the first time something like this
will happen. If *she's* going to give him a problem and he won't stand up to
her, you have big problems. She's not entitled to anything here. Tell your
husband that you don't want her there right away and stick to your guns.
OT: Opinions?
>From: KissingtheBrit
>Morning people - hope everyone is well!
>Because I consider 99.45% of the people that post to this forum to be
>intelligent, rational human beings, I am going to ask this question of
>you and will base my decision on the overall outcome of what you think.
>I have been over this 10,000 times in my head and can't come to a
>conclusion by myself.
>You're all in the same boat as me...foreign spouse/fiance (e), foreign
>family. So here I go...
>I am 6 months pregnant. My husband is from the UK and we are first
>time parents. My husband is very close to his family; however, I am
>not very close to mine. His family is in the UK, mine is a town away
>(about 10 minutes).
>His mum wants to come right before the baby is born and stay for a
>month...with us. Keeping in mind that we live in a VERY tiny mobile
>home and are on a shoestring budget. She will be able to afford the
>trip here, but not a hotel, and we cannot afford to put her at a hotel.
>I've been over it a million times, there is NO other way, she has to
>stay with us if she comes.
>David has given up everything to be here with me and I am trying to
>be understanding. He wants her here, he misses her. I want him to
>be happy yet am concerned about being a new mom. I don't know how I
>will feel...emotionally, physically. I suffer from depression and
>worry about postpartum. I also want bonding time alone with my DH
>and new baby. I am not a person who does well when people are
>constantly in my space.
>I have already told him she can come and stay with us, but occasionally
>I feel a bit bitter about it. It causes fights. Am I being
>unreasonable (and I truly want to know!) because if I am, I will shut up
>and not say another word to him about it. Or do I have cause to be a
>bit put off by having my MIL here for a month right after I deliver?
>Whatever you say I will abide by. Just looking for advice.
>Angela
- Confused As Usual.>--
>Posted via http://britishexpats.com
Apr 3rd 2003, 11:27 am
#22
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Absolutely Completely OT: Opinions?
> OT: Opinions?
The problem that is going to rear its ugly head is that the poster is
forcing the husband to make a choice between his wife and his mother. No
man should be faced with that.
If she cannot stomach this woman for a month, or cannot afford it, then
it's time to explore whatever alternatives there are, such as MIL
staying with family instead of them, OR shortening the visit.
If negotiation of one of the above plans won't fly, the poster should
therefore FIRST decide what is the MOST important to her: having her
baby to herself with NO husband, or having the baby with his family
there. Once she makes that choice, the rest will be decided by default.
Life is not always easy, but that's life. One of the first lessons we
have to learn is that we do not always get our way, followed by the fact
that life is not always fair. Live and learn. But don't force a husband
to choose between a wife and a mother, because this will ALWAYS turn
ugly.
--
Trashy girl
The problem that is going to rear its ugly head is that the poster is
forcing the husband to make a choice between his wife and his mother. No
man should be faced with that.
If she cannot stomach this woman for a month, or cannot afford it, then
it's time to explore whatever alternatives there are, such as MIL
staying with family instead of them, OR shortening the visit.
If negotiation of one of the above plans won't fly, the poster should
therefore FIRST decide what is the MOST important to her: having her
baby to herself with NO husband, or having the baby with his family
there. Once she makes that choice, the rest will be decided by default.
Life is not always easy, but that's life. One of the first lessons we
have to learn is that we do not always get our way, followed by the fact
that life is not always fair. Live and learn. But don't force a husband
to choose between a wife and a mother, because this will ALWAYS turn
ugly.
--
Trashy girl
Apr 3rd 2003, 11:29 am
#23
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Absolutely Completely OT: Opinions?
Huh? When a man marries, his wife and kids become his family. If a *man*
finds himself in such a dilemma, with his wife making a reasonable request,
then he shouldn't *be* married. He should stay with his mama until she dies
and then move on with his own life. Wife and kids come first. There shouldn't
be a second thought about that.
>From: Trashy Girl
>The problem that is going to rear its ugly head is that the poster is
>forcing the husband to make a choice between his wife and his mother. No
>man should be faced with that.
finds himself in such a dilemma, with his wife making a reasonable request,
then he shouldn't *be* married. He should stay with his mama until she dies
and then move on with his own life. Wife and kids come first. There shouldn't
be a second thought about that.
>From: Trashy Girl
>The problem that is going to rear its ugly head is that the poster is
>forcing the husband to make a choice between his wife and his mother. No
>man should be faced with that.
Apr 3rd 2003, 11:47 am
#24
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Absolutely Completely OT: Opinions?
> >From: Trashy Girl
> >The problem that is going to rear its ugly head is that the poster is
> >forcing the husband to make a choice between his wife and his mother. No
> >man should be faced with that.
In article ,
[email protected] (Tbrghtmn) wrote:
> Huh? When a man marries, his wife and kids become his family. If a *man*
> finds himself in such a dilemma, with his wife making a reasonable request,
> then he shouldn't *be* married. He should stay with his mama until she dies
> and then move on with his own life. Wife and kids come first. There
> shouldn't
> be a second thought about that.
>
Shouldn't be...but that's in a perfect world, dear. Wife and kids
*should* come first...but mama's apron strings can be pretty long.
--
Noir
> >The problem that is going to rear its ugly head is that the poster is
> >forcing the husband to make a choice between his wife and his mother. No
> >man should be faced with that.
In article ,
[email protected] (Tbrghtmn) wrote:
> Huh? When a man marries, his wife and kids become his family. If a *man*
> finds himself in such a dilemma, with his wife making a reasonable request,
> then he shouldn't *be* married. He should stay with his mama until she dies
> and then move on with his own life. Wife and kids come first. There
> shouldn't
> be a second thought about that.
>
Shouldn't be...but that's in a perfect world, dear. Wife and kids
*should* come first...but mama's apron strings can be pretty long.
--
Noir
Apr 3rd 2003, 12:14 pm
#25
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Absolutely Completely OT: Opinions?
Not for a man who's ready to be married and take on the responsibilities of
such a man. Maybe little boys who never grow up but who the hell wants to
marry one.
>From: "I. C. Noir"
>Shouldn't be...but that's in a perfect world, dear. Wife and kids
>*should* come first...but mama's apron strings can be pretty long.
>--
>Noir
such a man. Maybe little boys who never grow up but who the hell wants to
marry one.
>From: "I. C. Noir"
>Shouldn't be...but that's in a perfect world, dear. Wife and kids
>*should* come first...but mama's apron strings can be pretty long.
>--
>Noir
Apr 3rd 2003, 12:52 pm
#26
Son 5 & Daughter 2 1/2
Joined: Oct 2002
Location: Virginia USA
Posts: 160
Re: Absolutely Completely OT: Opinions?
Hi there, for starters, Pete and I are expecting too! Congratulations on your upcoming event!
As the pregnant mother I can see how you feel, but, you must understand this is a special even for BOTH of you. Being married is a partnership. If he wants him Mum there for comfort, oblige him. HOWEVER.... Sit down with him and set boundaries... That is important. Make sure she and he knows she is welcome, but knows the limits, for example, don't do the mothering of the newborn for you, don't give unsolicited advice, do not jump for the baby ahead of you, basically have her follow your lead and not the other way around. As well make sure that you do include her and while everyone has oppinions, that does'nt mean that we all must use them. I hope this helps. Remember, a month goes by quickly. This is a hard time, but a joyous one... compromise as always wins out... :-) Hugs to you both...
Pete and Carla
As the pregnant mother I can see how you feel, but, you must understand this is a special even for BOTH of you. Being married is a partnership. If he wants him Mum there for comfort, oblige him. HOWEVER.... Sit down with him and set boundaries... That is important. Make sure she and he knows she is welcome, but knows the limits, for example, don't do the mothering of the newborn for you, don't give unsolicited advice, do not jump for the baby ahead of you, basically have her follow your lead and not the other way around. As well make sure that you do include her and while everyone has oppinions, that does'nt mean that we all must use them. I hope this helps. Remember, a month goes by quickly. This is a hard time, but a joyous one... compromise as always wins out... :-) Hugs to you both...
Pete and Carla
Apr 3rd 2003, 1:17 pm
#27
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Absolutely Completely OT: Opinions?
A month of mother in law in a small house would be a strain even without a
new baby. My advise: Do not do this to yourself and your marriage.
"KissingtheBrit" wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Morning people - hope everyone is well!
> Because I consider 99.45% of the people that post to this forum to be
> intelligent, rational human beings, I am going to ask this question of
> you and will base my decision on the overall outcome of what you think.
> I have been over this 10,000 times in my head and can't come to a
> conclusion by myself.
> You're all in the same boat as me...foreign spouse/fiance (e), foreign
> family. So here I go...
> I am 6 months pregnant. My husband is from the UK and we are first
> time parents. My husband is very close to his family; however, I am
> not very close to mine. His family is in the UK, mine is a town away
> (about 10 minutes).
> His mum wants to come right before the baby is born and stay for a
> month...with us. Keeping in mind that we live in a VERY tiny mobile
> home and are on a shoestring budget. She will be able to afford the
> trip here, but not a hotel, and we cannot afford to put her at a hotel.
> I've been over it a million times, there is NO other way, she has to
> stay with us if she comes.
> David has given up everything to be here with me and I am trying to
> be understanding. He wants her here, he misses her. I want him to
> be happy yet am concerned about being a new mom. I don't know how I
> will feel...emotionally, physically. I suffer from depression and
> worry about postpartum. I also want bonding time alone with my DH
> and new baby. I am not a person who does well when people are
> constantly in my space.
> I have already told him she can come and stay with us, but occasionally
> I feel a bit bitter about it. It causes fights. Am I being
> unreasonable (and I truly want to know!) because if I am, I will shut up
> and not say another word to him about it. Or do I have cause to be a
> bit put off by having my MIL here for a month right after I deliver?
> Whatever you say I will abide by. Just looking for advice.
> Angela - Confused As Usual.
> --
> Posted via http://britishexpats.com
new baby. My advise: Do not do this to yourself and your marriage.
"KissingtheBrit" wrote in message
news:[email protected]...
> Morning people - hope everyone is well!
> Because I consider 99.45% of the people that post to this forum to be
> intelligent, rational human beings, I am going to ask this question of
> you and will base my decision on the overall outcome of what you think.
> I have been over this 10,000 times in my head and can't come to a
> conclusion by myself.
> You're all in the same boat as me...foreign spouse/fiance (e), foreign
> family. So here I go...
> I am 6 months pregnant. My husband is from the UK and we are first
> time parents. My husband is very close to his family; however, I am
> not very close to mine. His family is in the UK, mine is a town away
> (about 10 minutes).
> His mum wants to come right before the baby is born and stay for a
> month...with us. Keeping in mind that we live in a VERY tiny mobile
> home and are on a shoestring budget. She will be able to afford the
> trip here, but not a hotel, and we cannot afford to put her at a hotel.
> I've been over it a million times, there is NO other way, she has to
> stay with us if she comes.
> David has given up everything to be here with me and I am trying to
> be understanding. He wants her here, he misses her. I want him to
> be happy yet am concerned about being a new mom. I don't know how I
> will feel...emotionally, physically. I suffer from depression and
> worry about postpartum. I also want bonding time alone with my DH
> and new baby. I am not a person who does well when people are
> constantly in my space.
> I have already told him she can come and stay with us, but occasionally
> I feel a bit bitter about it. It causes fights. Am I being
> unreasonable (and I truly want to know!) because if I am, I will shut up
> and not say another word to him about it. Or do I have cause to be a
> bit put off by having my MIL here for a month right after I deliver?
> Whatever you say I will abide by. Just looking for advice.
> Angela
- Confused As Usual.> --
> Posted via http://britishexpats.com
Apr 3rd 2003, 4:16 pm
#28
Guest
Posts: n/a
I was in a similar situation when I moved over here pregnant and had relatives wanting to visit us from overseas for the birth and 3 weeks after.
We decided on a compromise between privacy and support.
They came one week AFTER the baby was born and stayed the 3-4 weeks then. It gave my husband and I a chance to settle in a bit and really helped a lot with chores and just running about doing stuff.
We had some fights / tension at times but everyone was understanding.
We decided on a compromise between privacy and support.
They came one week AFTER the baby was born and stayed the 3-4 weeks then. It gave my husband and I a chance to settle in a bit and really helped a lot with chores and just running about doing stuff.
We had some fights / tension at times but everyone was understanding.
Apr 3rd 2003, 4:31 pm
#29
Forum Regular
Joined: Jan 2003
Location: Minneapolis,MN
Posts: 169
Wow, so many good thoughts on this subject. I've been reading them all and giving this much thought.
Boy, the space issue really worries me. A trailer isn't that large. Maybe if your MIL was to only stay two weeks at max? I don't think it would be an issue if you had two to three bedrooms and everybody would have their own space. But doesn't sound like you do. (?) I don't know about everyone else, but when i was nursing my son, I'd be up at all hours and walking around the whole house!
I've had MUCH experience with visiting inlaws...heck, I even vacationed with them! But then I've had the luxury of having a bit more space to put them in. lol ;-) And even with that (my late husbands mom really is a terrific person) sometimes you just need your space after a while. My MIL stayed with us for about two months right before my husband died. Yes, I know a different set of circumstances, but we kept the lines of communication open and that really helped.
I think it would be nice for your new Mum in law to visit, but maybe after the baby is born and NOT before. And maybe she should shorten her stay to about 2 weeks max, not the month that has been mentioned.
I wish you the best of luck and hope all works out. This could all turn out quite well, you know? Take advantage of her wanting to help and you could gain some really important time to yourself. A walk...visiting a coffee shop, or just going out to shop or a date with your husband. It's really a good thing to do for your mental health after having a new baby.
You will do fine, I know it!
Boy, the space issue really worries me. A trailer isn't that large. Maybe if your MIL was to only stay two weeks at max? I don't think it would be an issue if you had two to three bedrooms and everybody would have their own space. But doesn't sound like you do. (?) I don't know about everyone else, but when i was nursing my son, I'd be up at all hours and walking around the whole house!
I've had MUCH experience with visiting inlaws...heck, I even vacationed with them! But then I've had the luxury of having a bit more space to put them in. lol ;-) And even with that (my late husbands mom really is a terrific person) sometimes you just need your space after a while. My MIL stayed with us for about two months right before my husband died. Yes, I know a different set of circumstances, but we kept the lines of communication open and that really helped.
I think it would be nice for your new Mum in law to visit, but maybe after the baby is born and NOT before. And maybe she should shorten her stay to about 2 weeks max, not the month that has been mentioned.
I wish you the best of luck and hope all works out. This could all turn out quite well, you know? Take advantage of her wanting to help and you could gain some really important time to yourself. A walk...visiting a coffee shop, or just going out to shop or a date with your husband. It's really a good thing to do for your mental health after having a new baby.
You will do fine, I know it!
Apr 3rd 2003, 11:26 pm
#30
Guest
Posts: n/a
Re: Absolutely Completely OT: Opinions?
"Tbrghtmn" wrote ...
> Huh? When a man marries, his wife and kids become his family. If a *man*
> finds himself in such a dilemma, with his wife making a reasonable
request,
> then he shouldn't *be* married. He should stay with his mama until she
dies
> and then move on with his own life.
You are an idiot. You can look up the number of times I've posted something
like that on this forum and you'll find it's almost zero in relation to the
number of posts I've made.
Nothing more needs to be said; I doubt there's many people here that will
disagree.
Andy.
--
I'm not really here - it's just your warped imagination.
> Huh? When a man marries, his wife and kids become his family. If a *man*
> finds himself in such a dilemma, with his wife making a reasonable
request,
> then he shouldn't *be* married. He should stay with his mama until she
dies
> and then move on with his own life.
You are an idiot. You can look up the number of times I've posted something
like that on this forum and you'll find it's almost zero in relation to the
number of posts I've made.
Nothing more needs to be said; I doubt there's many people here that will
disagree.
Andy.
--
I'm not really here - it's just your warped imagination.
